A Paul Appalls

Son Of Son Of Paul Beats Woman A Hasty Retreat 

Westworld

January 16, 2013 

It was recently learned that the teenage son of Senator Rand Paul (R-YFKM), ditsy pseudo-libertarian son of pseudo-libertarian, semi-closeted-anti-Semite and perennial presidential candidate, soon-to-be-ex-congressman Ron Paul (R-TX) was arrested for under-age drinking and assaulting a female flight attendant during the first week of the new year. Rumors that Skippy William was still inebriated from his New Year's Eve festivities remain unsubstantiated, so it is assumed that the 19 year old was freshly lit to the gills. To be fair, I imagine tempers were short throughout the aircraft on the very long flight from Lexington, KY to Charlotte, VA - a grueling hour-long ordeal. Who among us could make it through such an arduous expedition without consuming enough alcohol to make you want to assault a woman in plain sight on a small plane? This of course presumes the younger Paul was not inclined to assault women as a general rule. 

Senator Paul, while admitting some disappointment in his son, mainly for getting caught, held a brief press conference to address the emotional issue. “Now look, this is supposed to be a free country and I don’t see how we can, in good conscience, put such harsh restrictions on our young people, where they can’t even get drunk and assault the occasional flight attendant,” said the semi-older Paul. “He was just exercising his genetic endowment and his freedom of stupidity just like it says in the Second Amendment...or one of those amendments. It hardly matters which one really. The point is, that our Founding Fathers were some pretty heavy drinkers and they never intended for us to have a legal age for abusing alcohol and punching out a few working class losers. They didn't even think women should be allowed to vote. This kind of behavior really harkens back to the great Boston Tea Party when those brave patriots, disguised as Indians in order to avoid being recognized, threw that tea into the harbor to demonstrate their God-given right to drink beer and whiskey and not that stupid British tea they were forced to drink by that tyrant George III." When reminded that most members of the original Tea Party crowd were born tea drinkers and essentially British themselves, Senator Paul snarled and walked out on the press conference.

The older elder Paul could not be reached for comment. The younger elder Paul could not even be found for the purpose of declining further comment. He is now busy preparing to fight any sort of gun control such as that just ordered by President Obama and supported by the American people. “I’m against having a king,” Paul the dumber younger said Monday. One might be forgiven for assuming he is most upset with his son for not taking a shot at that flight attendant, just to show his patriotism. 

 

Sen. Rand Paul in Westworld re-enactment

 

I. Mangrey reporting.

Thanks for listening. Responsible drinking (sans assaulting women) invited.

America Celebrates, Drinks and Goes Home

You’re Not Actually Paranoid If You Spent Your Entire Career Pissing Everyone Off And Ended Your Public Life In Disgrace After Illegally Bombing Cambodia And Covering Up The Break-in Of Your Opponent’s Campaign Headquarters, Causing Just About Everyone To Despise You For Good Reason

Nixonland
January 10, 2013

Just had to give a big fuck you shout out to our 37^th president, Richard M. Nixon who was the only American president ever to resign in disgrace (and that even includes the walking definition of disgrace, George W. Bush), after what became known as Watergate. If you don’t know about this, look it up. I’m pretty sure it was in the Washington Post. Nixon would have been one hundred years disgusting old yesterday. One of the most enduring legacies Tricky Dick left behind was the "-gate" suffix often affixed to any appallingly scandalous episode.



I had never seen or heard this quote from December 14, 1972, just a few weeks after Nixon secured the second term he would eventually relinquish to Gerald Ford, who was appointed vice-president after Nixon's second in dishonor command - Spiro Agnew - resigned due to criminal charges of which he was eventually found guilty, paving the way for Nixon's ultimate legacy of shame and paranoia: “Also, never forget: the press is the enemy. The press is the enemy. The press is the enemy. The establishment is the enemy. The professors are the enemy. The professors are the enemy. Write that on the blackboard 100 times and never forget it.”



Somehow this bastion of Republican't hubris presided over the creation of the Environmental Protection Agency, National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, Occupational Safety and Health Administration, Consumer Protection Safety Commission, Title IX, the Social Security Administration and the “Cost-of-Living Adjustment." Most of these more by accident of history than a keen sense of right-and-wrong.  Nonetheless this kind of unseemly behavior would have caused the Tea Party to run him out of town on an assault rifle in today’s political climate.

In other news of the morally and intellectually challenged, Fox News host and alleged mammal Eric Bolling is trying to sell the idea, long ago debunked by everyone else on the planet, that Saddam Hussein was involved in the 9/11 attacks.  Rumor has it that Bolling is currently at work on a documentary outlining proof that the Sun revolves around the Earth.  Stay stupid my friend.

I. Mangrey reporting.
Thanks for listening. Responsible irresponsibility invited.

I Have Seen The Future...or Something Like It

Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle

Somewhere In The Known Universe

January 1, 2013

Following a long night of intense "meditation" with many dear friends followed by what I can only assume was a period of deep medication meditation induced sleep, the New Year's "morning" Sun has "coaxed" me back to ordinary reality after my conscious mind temporarily stepped aside allowing the connection with all of time and space each of us hides inside us, to reveal many great secrets of the future. Of course the future is what we make it, not merely what some formless, very possibly non-existent universal essence imparts as prophesy to any mere mortal. But what the hell, we hairless apes just eat this shit up. However, for our own pieces of mind we must take such predictions with a grain of salt, a pinch of garlic and a whole mess of unscented bathroom tissue. As always, keep on your toes…not on anyone else's; keep your nose and genitals clean and protect your precious bodily fluids. And with that I give you my Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle for 2013…

January 28, 2013: Willard Mitt Romney will narrowly escape death and serious hair damage in a freak car elevator accident. Authorities will discover that Willard was hopped up on Coke and Marlboros and had been riding up and down in the elevator for twelve hours. Romney will then enter a Mormon rehab facility from which he will emerge with a heroin habit.

February 13, 2013: Dan Quayle will throw his hat into the ring for the 2016 presidential election. He will eventually fail to qualify for any primaries being able to submit only one petition with exactly one name on it.

February 28, 2013: Republican't governors will band together to outlaw abortions, gun regulations, unions, minimum wage, gay rights, Democrats, science being taught in schools and women working outside the home. "Hey, we didn't reinstate slavery," said a spokeswhiteman.

March 15, 2013: Sarah Palin will say 147 incredibly stupid things in 23 days causing her to lose her new Fux News show "Being The One Talking Is Me" after only one month. For example, "Having been a candidate of the vice presidency race, I can tell you exactly that going through the mind of Joe Biden is his running for president in 2016 as can be thought of as something thought about by others such as myself too," and "As is known by all of us, the president, Obama, having been born in an unknown place or country, he is unwilling to lead this country or even appear on my show, which has been requested by me for the purpose of his questioning thereof." And perhaps her greatest revelation, "I can  see myself in the mirror every time I look at it."

March 25, 2013 (just after sundown): Jesus will return to Earth and endorse Obamacare just before driving the money-changers from the Senate and the House of Representatives, smiting Pat Robertson, hurling expletives in Yiddish and then disappearing in a puff of strange smelling smoke and an ear-splitting, "Oy vey."

 

 

April 1, 2013: Bill O'Reilly's head will literally explode on air after it is revealed by the hacktivist collective Anonymous hacking into his broadcast, that he is in fact Ann Coulter.

May 1, 2013: NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre, shortly after being punched in the nose by Gabby Giffords, will be shot repeatedly while speaking at a hastily convened NRA rally the day after he shot up a movie theater, a crowded diner and a busy mall food court. He will say he committed these acts to show the importance of arming the entire U.S. population, which could have prevented his heinous massacres. Having survived these injuries he will be non-fatally shot more than once a week for four months as he travels the country espousing more-guns-in-more-hands, each time while clutching an assault rifle in his cold not-quite-dead hands. LaPierre will finally take his own life by tripping and falling while attempting to enter the grounds of the White House wearing an explosive vest.

June 21, 2013: A previously unknown Mayan calendar will be found with the end of time specified only as Tuesday, 4:20 p.m. 

July 31, 2013: The Ronald Reagan Ballroom, site of a conference of climate change deniers will be lifted up out of the parking lot and into the sky, having been separated from the remainder of the Holiday Inn in San Diego by a freak tornado, and smashed to smithereens twenty miles off the California coast after colliding with a huge chunk of glacier that just happened to be in the neighborhood.

 

 

August 3,2013: John McCain will single-handedly invade Syria in a final bid to get one up on Barack Obama.

September 24, 2013: Donald Trump will be strangled to death by his own hair due to the same freak tornado (longest sustained tornado on record) that abruptly halted the climate change deniers ball on July 31^st. His preserved corpse will continue to host Celebrity Apprentice for three more dismal seasons.

 

October 31, 2013: Weekly fiscal cliff/debt ceiling negotiations keep a riveted nation on pins-and-needles. Each time an agreement is reached it carries with it a six day expiration - hence the weekly crisis.

November 4, 2013: Clarence Thomas will utter his first word ever during oral arguments in the landmark case Obama v. State of Arizona, attempting to settle once and for all the critical issue of where the current president was born. The word Thomas will speak: "Huh?" The decision ended up being delayed when Antonin Scalia was rushed to the hospital after falling out of his chair, shocked by Thomas' unexpected utterance. Scalia's thick skull was undamaged while shattering the oak floor beneath him, but an artery in his arm was severed by the splintering wood. His condition remains uncertain - not that we were that sure of his mental state prior to the accident.

December 31, 2013: Colorado and Washington will be the only two states not to declare bankruptcy due to the enormous influx of cash brought in by taxing marijuana sales.

 

 

 

 

I. Mangrey predicting.

Thanks for listening. Responsible confusion invited.