Save Us, Sir

Keep Up The Goof Work

March 21, 2026 

There is only one person, one woman, one man, one whatever, who can stop America’s freefall into total oblivion. Someone with a very, very large, uh-brain, perhaps a very stable genius who is very strong with the cognitive, and has the best words, who came down from heaven (well, from the second floor) on wings of gold (well, on an escalator of gold), with hair so golden (well, it’s not really hair per se, but it does vaguely resemble something like it). Someone who took this once proud and powerful nation, grabbed it with tiny, little hands and turned it right around to remake it in his own image – literally – and plastered his soon-to-be-reviled name* all over everything while he drove it straight off a proverbial cliff into total ruin in an unprecedentedly short time.

There is only one who can save us from himself. And it’s not Studebaker Hawk, it is none other than Donald Jeffrey Epstein Trump.

Donald, Donald, he’s our…I want to say, man?…if he can’t do it, no one can. Let's keep it that way.

Trump’s chief-of-staff Susie Wiles seen here suddenly
realizing she is Trump’s chief-of-staff,
either that, or she just heard him say something.

So Donald, sir, with tears in my eyes (probably an eyelash in there), my hand on my heart (I’d rather it was on your throat) a desperate nation begs you – please keep doing what you’re doing, sir, for just a few months more, and we mean that literally. Just a little more of that Trump magic. Because every day, possibly every hour, with every horrifying move you make, every fetid breath you take, every unstable step you take, more people hate your slimy, stinky guts and want you the fuck out of here.

Flay at the pump

Thank you for your…I want to say, service?...and for your attention to this matter.

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*There are reports that Trump has talked to longtime advisers about what it would take to officially make his birthday a national, federal holiday. Someone should tell this fascist fuckwit that the Trump name will soon be retired and removed from every government structure. Next to his name on the list of presidents, there will be a skull-and-crossbones…and a poop emoji.

I. Mangrey reporting. Keep those cards and letters coming in.

Question For The Day – Alternative Intelligence

I See Dumb People

March 20, 2026

“Nothing bad can happen. It can only good happen.”
             Dumb Old Trump, September 23, 2025

“The only thing prohibiting transit in the straits (sic) right now is Iran shooting at shipping. It is open for transit should Iran not do that.”
             Secretary of Dumbass, Peed Hegseth, March 13, 2026

“War is hell and Peed Hegseth is a dumb-ass mother fucker.”
                     I. Mangrey, March 13, 2026

Desperate Don runs crying to other countries to help finish the illegal, unprovoked, insane WAR Trump started without a plan or a clue in Iran. Apparently, every country was driving through a tunnel and could not take Donny’s call…not even Nambia. Maybe it’s because Donny has been pissing and farting all over our allies at every turn. What about all his Bored of Peace buddies? Where the fuck are they? Don’t they care about their chairman of the bored?

“It’s Donald, pick up the fucking phone you losers.
I don’t need your sorry asses, but you better help me before it’s too late.”

The world has not seen this much global destruction – albeit without the instantaneous mass death and smithereened real estate – perpetrated by a single individual since Robert Oppenheimer proclaimed, “I am become death.” That individual today is one Donald Jeffrey Epstein Trump. Trump’s ill-advised – everyone except Lindsey Graham and Dry-drunk Hague-seth advised against such a completely moronic and doomed-from-the-start “little excursion” – unilateral (no one else wants any part of this debacle) attack on Iran is poised to plunge the entire world into a major recession.

Donald, Donald, he’s our man, if he can’t do it…we’d all be better off ‘cause no one else is fucking stupid, arrogant and dangerous enough to try this shit… Well, maybe Stephen Miller…or JD Vance…or Linsey Graham, or Peed Hague-seth. Oh, never mind.

Today’s Question For The Day:

Aren’t we fucking great enough already?

Bonus Question:

Hasn’t he done enough already?

This has been your Paying Attention™ Question For The Day.

Question For The Day – An Ex-Ex-President

We hope you enjoyed our little pause in the disaster, but it’s already time to jump back into Donald Trump’s Global Dumpster Fire with our recurring nightmare…I mean feature…

Question For The Day

Wishing Won’t Do It. Bombing Will.

March 18, 2026

Donald Trump – you might know him from his ubiquitous presence in the

Donald Trump Memorial Epstein Files

told reporters on Monday

“No president was willing to do what I’m doing. And the should have done it a long time ago; it would have been a lot easier. There’s no president that wanted to do it. And yet every president knew, I’ve spoken to a certain president, who I like actually, a past president, former president, he said “I wish I did it. I wish I did it.” But they didn’t do it. I’m doing it.”

A reporter who was somehow permitted to speak asked who that president was, to which Trump replied, “I can’t tell you that… It would be very bad for his career, even though he’s got no career left.”

It almost doesn’t matter what he was talking about, but the subject was Trump’s unprovoked, disastrous, world-fucking attack on Iran. Perhaps now, even Silly Putty-for-brains Trump is getting a sense of why no other president – even the one Dumb Donny claims wished they did it – did what he is doing. Everyone else in the entire fucking world (except Netanyahu) knows exactly why no one else did what Trump is doing.

Fun fact: Four living ex-presidents (except one) are on the record saying they have not discussed Trump’s bombing of Iran. All four living ex-presidents contacted by reporters denied wishing they had bombed Iran.* And there is only one ex-president that Trump likes actually.

Today’s Question For The Day:

Is this mystery “ex-president, former president” one that you see in the mirror and talk to every few minutes?

Bonus Question:

Or was it maybe Andrew Jackson?

Double Bonus Question:

Sir, do you realize that the guy you see in the mirror and talk to all the time is you?

________________________________________________
*Never-president John McCain famously parodied the Beach Boys’ Barbara Ann, singing “Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran.” But Donald Trump did not like John McCain because McCain was captured.

This has been your Paying Attention™ Question For The Day.

Science Is Golden

Birdosaurs

March 18, 2026

Full Disclosure: the team here at Paying Attention are suckers for science.

Long ago, many people were saying that birds were descended from the dinosaurs. More recently we learned that many dinosaurs we thought of as drab, scaly reptiles might have been brightly colored and were actually covered with feathers. More recently during one of our lunch gatherings, we watched a talk on the internets that sought to correct the birds-descended-from-dinosaurs narrative. According to many experts, birds actually are dinosaurs.

Behold the terrifying Chicadee Rex

The mighty (freaky), five-foot-tall Shoebill Stork

If it is true that birds are dinosaurs – and unless or until further research insists otherwise I will not doubt this – then why are they so scared of everything? I guess we’re lucky they don’t watch a lot of David Attenborough documentaries.

You surely would not want to meet up with a Shoebill Stork in a dark alley.

We hope you enjoyed this pause in the disaster.

Ed Venture
Managing Editor

Fly like a pterodactyl.

What’s That Behind You?

Who’s Got Our Six?

March 17, 2026

Let’s just get this out of the way – when do we get to see all of the

Donald Trump memorial EPSTEIN FILES^*

that have not yet been permanently destroyed? You know, the ones required by a special law (The Epstein File Transparency Act) specifically passed by every senator and all but one member of the House, and signed into law by Donald Jeffrey Epstein Trump for that sole purpose.

Democrats had better learn a lesson. Or else.

In trying to behave like responsible adults, Democrats have been obsessed with looking forward and not back whenever they take the reins of power from one disgraced Republican (if I may use that historic term) or another. It was understandable that the hapless Gerald Ford would pardon his criminal benefactor Richard Nixon after the Watergate cover-up forced Nixon to abandon the White House in disgrace. Ford’s act was itself disgraceful and damaging to democracy and to the notion that no one is above the law, but understandable since Ford was protecting Nixon and the political party he and Ford had in common. 

Whether it be Ronald Reagan’s double-dealing sabotage of freeing Iran’s hostages during Carter’s presidency and Reagan’s subsequent selling of arms to Iran, Democrats wouldn’t look back. Or how about out-and-out war crimes, such as George WTF Bush’s illegal invasion of Iraq, or his waterboarding torture of prisoners?  Barack Obama said look forward, don’t look back. Or Donald Trump’s attempted violent overthrow of the United States government – Joe Biden said don’t look back. Each time, Democrats have taken the high road. But it only looks like the high road; it turned out to be the highway to Hell. No one ever wants to clean up the mess in Aisle 1600. And like the incorrigible black sheep of the family only one party seems to leave the most foul and painful messes.

How Is That Working Out?

Well, fuck that shit because that is as big a reason as any that we ended up with a second Trump presidency, which some of you may have noticed is not going all that well.

It’s like a parent whose teenage son has several DUIs, but the parents keep giving him the keys to the car, certain he won’t do it again, except the fourth time the young lad drives the family car off a cliff. Everyone makes mistakes, but the biggest mistake is ignoring the lessons from previous ones, not just by those who made the mistake, but by those who enable the unnecessary and injurious repetition thereof.

If the fact that Trump is still trying to win the 2020 election is not enough** to start fighting fire with fire, then this country will be over. Trump continues sending his thugs into states like Georgia, and now Arizona, after trying to blackmail Minnesota, to steal voting records, voting machines, etc. to “investigate” the 2020 election. Trump couldn’t even accept the results of the two elections he won because some people did not vote for him.

Asshole in mirror is closer than he appears.

Some of the most devastating injuries come from getting rear-ended.

Once Trump has been excised and his Fascist/Trump/Epstein Party has been shoved aside, it is time to turn around and face the past and clean up the fucking mess left behind.

Those who do not learn from history are doomed to get stabbed in the back. Like clockwork. Orange.

_______________________________________________
*Man, whatever is in those files must really be bad for old Fartenstein, because his flying monkeys are really working their little tails off trying to figure out how to protect him from letting the public in on it.
**And yes, he’s also trying to repeal the First Amendment and curtail voting. He’s taking bribes, aiding Russia and Iran, which he illegally invaded, and he’s responsible for the execution of American citizens. Oh yeah, and he’s an adjudicated rapist and a 34-time convicted felon who is hell-bent on destroying the environment. And that’s just off the top of my head.

I. Mangrey regrouping. Keep your eyes on the road and your hands upon the wheel.              

                                                                                     

Headline Of The Day – Just Give Me Some Truth

All I Want Is The Truth   

March 16, 2026 

Sen. Chris Murphy (D-CT): “This is the most incompetent, incoherent war America has fought in the last 100 years.”

I. Mangrey: “And that is saying something.”

Thank you, Senator Murphy.

John Lennon – Gimme Some Truth

And we didn’t even mention the

Donald Trump Memorial Epstein Files

This has been your Paying Attention™ Headline Of The Day.

Schmuck Of The Day – Pete Hague-seth

The Ugly Schmuckling

March 15, 2026

Holy War Hegseth has a problem, well, several. One is his alcohol-damaged brain. Another is his inability to separate alcohol church and state. The biggest problem is his gaping mouth. It just won’t shut. And the frothing feces it spews cannot be wiped away with any known solvents.

Hegseth has publicly dismissed concerns about international law, claiming he would ignore “stupid rules of engagement” and “politically correct wars”, spewing shit like “maximum lethality” and such. Even the spectacularly vapid and idiotic Donald Rumsfeld who held Hague-seth’s position during Bush/Cheney’s illegal, senseless and abysmal Iraq War was not so arrogantly ignorant and pathologically violent as Hague-seth.

Frank Zappa – Your Mouth 

Actually, Pete’s mouth is causing him even bigger problems by drooling literal war crimes. In a recent press tantrum, the secretary of excursions had this to say

“We will keep pressing. We will keep pushing, keep advancing. No quarter, no mercy for our enemies.”

Declaring “no quarter” is, all by itself, a war crime. Arrest that schmuck!

Speaking of war crimes, Hague-seth’s first stop on Trump’s Iran Excursion was to bomb a girl’s school to smithereens. Then Trump blamed the Iranians. Even though all – and I do mean all – the evidence pointed to a U.S. Tomahawk missile. While all this was going on, Trump was urging Iranian protesters to rise up against their government. It seems more likely now that the Iranian people will be rising up to denounce Trump and his illegal, murderous campaign against Iran and the

Donald Trump Memorial Epstein Files

This has been your Paying Attention™ Schmuck Of The Day. Schmuck on!

Trump Actually Fucking Said This™*

 

He Forgot The Spurs

March 15, 2026

Donald Jeffrey Epstein Trump was asked about his vacation war in Iran:

Fux Noise idiot Brian Killmeade: “When are you going to know when it’s over?”

Fux Noise idiot Brian Killmind on the phone with his main squeeze

In a patently insane and frightening response, Trump Actually Fucking Said This™:

       “When I feel it. When I feel it in my bones.”
                          Donald Fucking Trump, March 13, 2026

At least we don’t have to wait until he feels it in his brains.

Bonus Words From Paula Poundstone:

To Trump:

“You lick your finger and hold it up in the wind to measure your IQ.”

_________________________________________
*As always, the full context does not make it any better. Also, good chance this feature will be popping up constantly for at least the next four years. Sorry.

This has been another painful edition of  Trump Actually Fucking Said This™*
Remember, it will get worse before it gets much worse.

Headline Of The Day – Pete Hegstench, Secretary of Excursions

A Picture Is Worth A Thousand Whines   

March 14, 2026

Wow, incompetent, arrogant, psychotic and afraid of cameras.
Oh, and a wannabe war criminal.*

If the Secretary of Defenestration – Holy War Hegseth – wants more flattering pictures, he needs to stay out of them. Maybe he needs to spend more time in the make-up studio he had built for him at the Pentagon. According to Google, no other Secretary of Excursions even considered needing a makeup studio inside the Pentagon.

Bonus Hegstench Headline

If Dry-drunk Pete thinks pictures are unflattering, he should get a look at his expense account.

The above headline is a bit misleading. It wasn’t in 2025 that Pete spent $93 billion, it was in September of 2025. And the headline left out the fact that part of that was $15 million in steaks and $7 million in lobster tails. That must have been a serious all-you-can-eat. Oh, and a $98,000 grand piano for the Air Force chief-of-staff’s home.

He might be better off crawling back into his Fox hole.

We certainly would.

_______________________________________________
*More on this later. Stay tuned.

This has been your Paying Attention™ Headline Of The Day.