Broken News – Quit Dicking Around

 

All Perfectly “Legal”

October 9, 2026

Frequenters of this space know that we have always been fair to Donald Fucking Trump. Sure, one or two things might have gotten us miffed. But we understood why a handsome, manly man like him might feel compelled to sexually assault a woman or twelve. Plus, they let him do it. And why would anyone – certainly not us – be put off by his very strong and powerful obsession with the likes of Putin, Un, Xi, Orbán and Erdoğan? And who could blame a guy for destroying more American property than the 9/11 hijackers, or starting an insurrection because he got his giant ass handed to him in an election, and then pardoning everyone convicted of following him into battle? He had to pardon them, they liked him. Or the fact that he stole a truckload of classified documents, some of which he likely sold to our enemies. Everyone is entitled to make a mistake. And no other president was brave enough to destroy the White House to build a ballroom that no one wanted, or turn the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool into a Superfund site, or bleed our military dry by attacking Iran for no reason and with no plan.

It is all just harmless fun.After all, as Richard Nixon famously said, “If the president does it then it is not illegal”. It damn sure isn’t these days.

But now Trump and his flying monkeys have gone too far.

 

The Department of Just Trump* is trying to let Richard Nixon – my personal bête noire – off the historical hook. Trump’s factory-second garden gnome, Kash Patel, the fake head of the FBI, is looking into whether Nixon was “framed” and was a victim of a “deep state” coup.

Patel is intending to look into “failures” of the past. If Patel really wants to look at failures, he need only look in the mirror.

Yes, Nixon was framed by tape recordings of his own voice and the voices of his top aides confessing to crimes. These were known as the “Smoking Gun Tapes”. The evidence against Nixon was almost as voluminous as the truckload of classified documents Trump stole on his way out of the White House in 2021 after his failed insurrection. Trump of course was also framed by mountains of evidence, including stacks of boxes of stolen documents photographed in a bathroom at Mor-on-Lago.

Like most framed people, Nixon had this to say to David Frost in 1977

“I let down my friends. I let down the country. I let down our system and the dreams of all those young people that ought to get into government but think it’s all too corrupt... I let the American people down, and I have to carry that burden with me for the rest of my life.”

Here’s a version you could expect from Trump

My friends let me down. The country let me down. The whole system is corrupt and all I did was try to fix it. The American people let me down. I was the greatest president who ever lived.

Republicans (remember them?) at the time unanimously supported impeaching the fucker, and it was they who talked Tricky Dick into getting the fuck out of town or they would impeach him. Nixon’s crimes against America seemed unimaginable at the time. Today, they would be called Tuesday.

____________________________________________
*Formerly the Department of Justice
 

This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News report.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled early voting.

Don Trump Actually Fucking Said This™*

 

This Is Not In The Same Galaxy As Normal

October 8, 2026

“I know more about inflation, I know more about everything
than anybody in this room, anybody anywhere in the world.”
  Don Trump, October 3, 2026

Who the fuck would say something like this?

Apparently the same guy who said this…

“I’m a high IQ person, unlike some other people I can tell you about.
Very, among the highest IQs anywhere in the world.”
Don Trump, also October 3, 2026

Only one person. One very insecure, very stupid, mentally ill psychopath, that’s who. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the current president of the United States. Yep.

Donald “Nobody Knows Dumb Has A ‘B’ In It” Trump spoke these words in front of a perpetually dwindling crowd of ignorant, racist assholes who continue to support him. It is not a stretch to concede that “Dumb With A ‘B’” Donald does know more about everything than anybody in that room full of rubes. He should have left it at that. But he cannot. He is a sick man with a very bad brain.

You have likely at least once heard Dumb Donalb (sic…k) discuss how intelligence genes are passed down from uncle to nephew. Though not nearly as solidly as being a racist scumbag is passed down from father to son, or even as thoroughly as being a narcissistic, hate-filled conman is passed down from shameless lawyer/mentor to his powerfully inhumane apprentice.

Donald Trump is barely the smartest person in his own shoes.

Leonard Cohen – Everybody Knows

_________________________________________
*As always, the full context does not make it any better.

This has been another painful edition of Don Trump Actually Fucking Said This™*
Remember, it will get worse before it gets much worse.

Letter to the Predator

October 7, 2026

Dear Sir:

With tears in my eyes, I just received the $90 you sent me via Social Security – you know, the lifesaving safety net program you and your shitty party keep trying to destroy. I looked it up and learned that you rushed this money to many Americans to encourage us to vote for the candidates of your choice and that we’re supposed to act like you are on the ballot. Let me just say, and I think I speak for many people, fuck you very much. I don’t want your money and I damn sure don’t want you. You really should take some time and go fuck yourself. I can’t think of any better use of your time. Seriously. I’m sure there are plenty of patriotic Americans who would be happy to help you accomplish this since you can barely walk a straight line anymore.

Since I have no idea why I should have gotten this money and since I am thankfully better off than many millions of my fellow citizens (too many of whom voted for you, and now regret having done so) who you have been fucking over since you weaseled your fucking felon ass back into the White House, I am going to take your filthy money and donate it to Democratic candidates in close races, just as soon as I finish dashing off this heartfelt go-fuck-yourself.

So, once again thanks for the money that will hopefully hasten the end of your stranglehold over this nation, and the end of your whatever. Here’s hoping that November 3, 2026 is one of the worst days of your miserable, undeserved life.

And please, for the love of God and country, and I’ll only say this one more time*, and with all due respect, please go fuck yourself.

Signed,

An American

_________________________________________
*For today. This offer expires at midnight.

Broken News – Okay Goober

The Deaf Leading The Dumb

October 6, 2026

Squeaker of the House, Mike “Chucky” Johnson, despite appearing like an elf that makes cookies in a hollow tree is – among many other very bad things – a dangerous religious zealot. Don’t let his historic ineptitude as Speaker, his squeaky-clean façade and his unwavering ass-kissing of Trump fool you; if he was actually capable of doing his job, he would fuck this country straight to hell…for Jesus.

During an interview with fellow religious extremist/scumbag Tony Perkins, Johnson had this to say

“When people are promising free things to you, you must ask what the real price* is. It is your freedom.”

Johnson, is not just tone deaf, but apparently totally deaf, or he must have been out sick on all the days that his lard and master Donald “Death-To-America” Trump announced that he would be giving $5,000 to every adult American* if his entire Death-To-America agenda doesn’t end up suffering death-by-democracy after the November 3^rd midterm elections. Here is Deathbed Don’s latest** swindle:

“If the Republicans [his word, not mine] win, you win with us and you get $5,000. It will be called the Trump Dividend.”
                   Donald Fucking Trump, September 9, 2026

First of all, most Americans agree that we have acquired all the Trump “dividends” we can possibly handle. Please sir, can we have less?

Second of all, this would be the fourth big dividend Der Furor promised, the first three of which never materialized…not a penny. No $5,000 DOGE dividend, no $2,000 illegal-tariff bonus, no $1,000 “we destroyed your Affordable Care Act subsidy” pittance.

Vote! Strike while the irony is hot.

________________________________
*The real price for Trump’s bribe has been calculated as one trillion dollars; that’s almost as much as a full tank of gas and a hamburger.
**As usual, it’s impossible to keep up with this bullshit. Now Deathbed Donny says he’s sending out checks for $500 ahead of the midterms because…well, you know damned well why.

This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News report.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled sarcasm.

Pic Of The Day – Club Head

A Swing And A Mess   

October 5, 2026

Things Many People Would Like To See*

Everyone knows how much Duffer Don loves to golf. Thankfully, he spends more time on golf than on doing president stuff, because his president stuff is unadulterated shit. And it’s not just us saying this…

“I've done a shitty job as president.”
Donald Jeffrey Epstein Trump, September 29, 2026**

While out there cheating on the links, he should be careful. Golf is a dangerous sport.

While this may look painful, it would not affect his “thinking” one bit

_________________________________________
*Not us of course. We are just reporting what the public is thinking.
**According to fact checkers, Trump did say this but it is being taken out of context. Tough shit, it will make a great campaign ad.

This has been your Paying Attention™ Pic Of The Day.

Rent-A-Coma - New Improved

 

You Deserve A Break Today...And Maybe Forever
An Imaginary* Product For Surreal Times

October 4, 2026

With only one month until the frighteningly critical 2026 midterm elections, are you still worried that our dystopian present is poised to decompose into a dystopianer future? Are you that all the encouraging poll numbers are going to go up in schmuck? Remember when in 2024 Death-To-America Don told a gathering of hypocritical Christians:

“Get out and vote. Just this time. You won’t have to do it anymore. Four more years, you know what: it’ll be fixed, it’ll be fine. You won’t have to vote anymore, my beautiful Christians…. Get out, you’ve got to get out and vote. In four years, you don’t have to vote again, we’ll have it fixed so good you’re not going to have to vote.”

Yes, that’s right folks. If you vote for Trump and he wins, no more voting. Now he has “promised” $5,000 to every adult if his Fascist/Trump/Epstein/Sedition Party keeps control of America.

We are happy to announce our new and improved RENT-A-COMA formula – now with anti-fascism crystals. This could be one of the most important ways of coping with the burgeoning fascist uprising.

Like the COVID virus he nurtured, Trump is also an airborne toxin

  It’s His Party And You Can Cry if You Want To

                 DOEs your brain scream
     Bruised with numb surprise?

  Why waste your precious time doomsday prepping?

From the really terrific people who brought you Votegra™ for Electile Dysfunction as well as the Moron-o-Tron Mental Detector™ for fewer morons and more intelligent elections …

It’s not a drug, it’s not Covfefe, it’s a way of life. And it’s easy to pronounce and spell. Sure there’s a pill to get you in the mood, but why call it a drug? What? Are you obsessed with facts and reality? That is so pre-Trump. We have just what the doctor (before he had his “medical” license revoked) ordered.

     Are your emotions frazzled?

Would you like to simply check out for a few days, weeks or years and wake up fresh as a daisy in 2035 or maybe 2525 (if man is still alive)?

Would you like to do it safely without risking damage to your vital organs and precious bodily fluids? Does this even matter anymore?

Finally, there is a way to protect your mind – if nothing else – from President Death

What you need is
Rent-A-Coma^™

Doesn’t this sound appealing?

Doesn’t this look peaceful?

It isn’t suicide. It’s just a time-out. The massive hospital expenses will be partially offset by the great savings you’ll realize thanks to the punishing Trumpflation. Plus, much if not none of it will be covered by whatever the fuck the Fascist/Trump Party pukes are pretending will replace Obamacare. Many people believe their plan is to replace health care with drive-by shootings.

Don’t get stuck in alt-reality without a viable exit strategy.

Our state-of-the-art resting facilities are in full compliance with all current regulations. Also, RENT-A-COMA is perfectly safe to use in the comfort of your own home, but it’s best to have someone nearby to monitor your bliss. Our promise to you is that when these regulations, as all regulations, are rescinded as Trump and the Republican’ts slash everything not aimed at helping the wealthiest Americans, we will maintain the highest standards required by law…when there was law.

CAUTION: The desire to remain comatose may be habit forming

Here’s what people are saying about RENT-A-COMA:

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       NP from San Francisco: “I tried. I really tried, but I just couldn’t take it anymore. I needed a break from surreality. RENT-A-COMA …zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.”

When we introduced RENT-A-COMA we were not prepared for the pure idiocy and galactic mayhem that was about to unfold. We simply wanted to help people still tethered to reality to avoid the ravages, indignities and insidious fascism of the impending Trump Regime. We had no idea how absolutely unprecedented and disastrous Der Furor would be. No one could have anticipated how high the demand would be, and we sold out in minutes. Add to all of Trump’s epoxy-“haired” lunacy Senate majority zombie Mitch McConnell’s super-secret assault on health care in America, and no matter how much RENT-A-COMA we produce, the demand will surely outpace the supply at least as long as Clear-And-Present-Danger J. Trump continues to draw breath. So act now, or forever wake up screaming in the middle of the night, either at the thought of another Trump administration, or the actuality of one. With RENT-A-COMA you won’t even know what hit you. And you won’t want to.

Ask your doctor or Magic 8 Ball if Rent-A-Coma is right for you, or just go get some. It’s all good. If you have a pulse and an IQ, you probably need RENT-A-COMA. And no prescription is necessary, just a credit card, or some form of electronic transfer of funds (no bitcoin, whatever the fuck that is, accepted).

Call right now: 800-NOT-HERE
Operators are standing by…but not many because most of them have already taken advantage of their perks – free samples of Rent-A-Coma – and the rest of them are sure to follow.
I know I am.

_________________________________________________
*Or is it?

And if you’re not willing to risk waking up, or want to be prepared if waking up turns out to be a horrific mistake, stock up on ENDITOL. You won’t be sorry…at least not after using ENDITOL.

On November 4^th* ask your doctor if the afterlife is right for you.
Ask for ENDITOL by name.

Take two (or ten, or whatever) and forget about the mo(u)rning

It’s always good to be prepared.

 

A Public Service Announcement

Praying Attention

October 3, 2026 

The 2026 Midterm Elections where most Americans hope to put the brakes on Donald Jeffrey Epstein Trump’s Death-To-America crusade are one month away.

That’s seven years in Trump days.

Hang in there.

Vote early and often.

This has been a Paying Attention™ Public Service Announcement. 

Connecting The iDiOTS

HYPOCRISY ALERT!!!*

October 2, 2026

Strike One

Susan Collins:

“I do not understand how anyone would take the word of a felon who’s been convicted twice – twice – two separate cases of five counts of money laundering, counts of bank fraud, false submissions to the [Federal Election Commission]…He is a convicted liar…”

Really? You slimy whore. Can you really not think of anyone who is a convicted felon and whose word not just anyone, but you your lousy, lying self would take and continue to take. In case this isn’t ringing any bells, your cult leader was convicted on 34 felony counts of falsifying business records to conceal payments made to a porn star. Sound familiar? No? That would be Donald Fucking Trump. Remember him? Remember when you voted to convict him after his record-breaking second impeachment? Well do ya, punk? Your guy got elected to the highest office in the land dragging around 34 felony convictions. I believe that is even more than two.

Strike Two

Next up, Donald Fucking Trump and his fellow travelers who have, out of desperation, trotted out the old fearmongering over the so-called dangers of communism taking over America. The Fifties called and they want their bullshit scare-tactic back. I am not now, nor have I ever been a member of the Communist Party, but I would take communism over Trump and his syphilitic fascism any day. Not to mention the fact that there is no danger whatsoever of America going communist.

Damaged Don is clearly suffering from Clown Syndrome

Strike Three

Speaking of hypocrites and communists, first lady Melania Trump** said recently that she had a “very beautiful childhood” growing up under communism in Slovenia. The worst lady told Fox News Business, “I grew up, under the communism, and actually, I didn't miss anything. I feel I had a very beautiful childhood, and my parents provide a beautiful child for my family." Huh?

The third Mrs. Trump’s comments come as her estranged husband has increasingly used “communism” to attack Democrats and democratic socialists, telling a Republican convention audience this month: “They call themselves Democrat socialists, but actually, they're communists.” Actually, they call themselves Democratic Socialists. And they call you…

Dishonorable Mention

I was going to label as hypocrisy the guy who spilled national security secrets to the Russians during his first months in office during his first term, and who just showed Chinese President Xi his super-secret ballroom/panic room while yelling about the dangers of communism. But that isn’t hypocrisy, it’s stupidity and treason. You know, since China is supplying weapons Iran is using to attack Americans and Trump offered to sell American weapons to China to help them kill Americans Trump thinks are suckers and losers. Did I mention that China*** is aiding and abetting Iran? I think I did.

Do they think we're as stupid as they are?

___________________________________
*AGAIN.
**The illegal immigrant wife of criminal/president Donald Jeffrey Epstein Trump.
***And Russia.

I. Mangrey reporting. But you knew that.

A Real Schmidt Show

Knock Yourself Out

October 1, 2026

America owes a debt of gratitude to very-nearly-dead Sen. Chuckles Grassley (FTES-IA) and his fellow travelers…I mean fucking idiots…I mean Fascist/Trump/Epstein/Sedition Party members for dragging former special prosecutor Jack Smith before the Senate Judiciary Committee with only weeks remaining until the midterm elections these yahoos seem destined to lose bigly. Team Trump did nothing but embarrass themselves with lies and raging stupidity rarely seen.

Apparently these elected knuckle-draggers thought it best to remind all Americans that Donald “Death-To-America” Trump was found, “beyond a reasonable doubt” according to Jack Smith to have committed crimes against this country.

Jack Smith’s opening statement, September 29, 2026

The viral moment of the bullshit hearing was Sen. Eric Schmitt’s gotcha attempt. Schmitt (R-MO) accused Smith of perjury for denying he had been in Atlanta in February of 2024 to attend an NBA game between the Golden State Warriors and the Atlanta Hawks. Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN) pointed out that Smith instead attended, on the date in question, a women’s college basketball game between University of Maryland and the Iowa HAWKEYES. Oops. The reaction of Sen. Katie Britt (R-AL) as it became clear that Schmitt’s gotcha was instead a exploding cigar says it all…

Britt froze like this for fifteen very long seconds

Schmidt was on the short list as Vance’s running mate in 2028. Don’t bother remembering that name. Schmitt’s next title will be ghost.

Schmitt just after setting his trap for Smith

Eric Schmitt, after making his mark

Second place goes to Lindsey Graham’s undeserving, appointed replacement, his sister Darline whose gotcha accused Smith of going after her sister…I mean brother Lindsey. Smith countered by saying that in fact the currently dead Graham would have instead been a witness against Trump, thereby brushing aside not one but two wild haymakers that not only missed their mark but somehow wound up smashing the aggressors smack in their own faces and sending both to the canvas.

Or was Schmitt in cahoots with Smith all along? You know you can’t spell Schmitt without Smith…or shit.

I. Mangrey reporting.