Ted Cruz, Rising Stain

Cringe-worthy Cruz Corrupts Constitution, Creeps Out Citizenry

Washington, TX

September 24, 2013

The latest loon to carry the torch-of-the-touched for the ridiculous-radical-right-wing-fringe of the Republican’t Party, Senator Ted Cruz (R-TX) (whose texting handle, rumor has it, is Hugh Jassoll) continues to impress the intellectually-unfunded Tea Party crowd with his latest stunning and futile gesture. Despite overwhelming opposition from all sentient beings and most Republican’ts, Cruz is flashing a big Texass middle finger to Americans’ ability to have access to affordable healthcare as he tilts at a government shutdown over funding Obamacare.

"I intend to speak in support of defunding Obamacare until I am no longer able to stand," said the factless, feckless Cruz adding, "All across this country, Americans are suffering because of Obamacare. Obamacare isn't working." Actually, he’s the one who isn’t working…or thinking. And many more Americans are suffering just from the sound of his voice, not to mention the things he actually says out loud. This Harvard/Princeton elitist, who believed himself too good to study with the losers from Penn and Brown, launched a meaningless twenty-one hour moronthon just to hear himself squawk. Cruz very likely knows his senatorial stall will achieve nothing other than being the opening movement of his Magical Misanthropy Tour (i.e., presidential campaign). If Cruz the law student was too good to be seen with anyone from Penn or Brown how must the freshman (and soon to be one-term) freak show senator really feel about all his Tea Party adorers many of whom can’t even spell Penn or Brown and certainly can’t relate to a Canadian-born-Ivy-Leaguer like Cruz?

“Oh shit, I must have left my brain in my other head.” 

The Sound of One Lip Flapping 

I wonder if he did in fact hear himself. I’m guessing he didn’t because he just kept squawking. With a squeaking speaking voice that makes Sean Hannity sound like Pavarotti, Cruz waxed moronic about…oh hell, who am I kidding, I didn’t watch more than a few secondhand clips. I did manage to see him compare everyone unwilling to defund Obamacare to Nazi appeasers in the ‘40s. Brilliant. I finally get it, providing affordable healthcare for millions of Americans is just like committing genocide. Wait. What? Why is it that these petty tyrant corporate hacks can’t get through a sentence without accusing everyone who disagrees with them of Hitlerophilia?

Cruz decided his time would be well spent verbally flinging feces in a faux filibuster. Cruz’s crazy fact-free foray into legislative limbo boasted less meaningful content than your average cat video even though the average cat video is approximately forty-five seconds and the mentally crippled Cruz blathered on for almost an entire day. George W. Bush, Rick Perry, Ted Cruz? What is in the water in Texas? Or is it the tea? Oh and did I mention that one of his few admitted supporters is Sarah Palin?

Can you find the senator?*

Green Eggs and Harm

Next, the barely hinged Hugh Jassoll read Sam I Am to his colleagues, who were probably plotting ways to enter the witless protection program rather than admit to being part of the same dysfunctional cabal as Cruz. Cruz explained that like Green Eggs and Ham, Obamacare just wasn't something anyone liked. It seems our hero has the same grasp of Dr. Seuss' Green Eggs and Ham as he does the United States Constitution - he can read and pronounce the words (he is a lawyer after all), but he clearly has no actual understanding of what the words mean. Unbeknownst to Mr. Cruz, Green Eggs and Ham were only disliked because they hadn't been tried yet. Once the nameless nudnik who would not eat them in a boat and would not eat them with a goat and would not eat them in the rain or in the dark or on a train finally tasted the unusual delicacy, he decided that YES he would eat them in a box and he would eat them with a fox and he would eat them in a house and also eat them with a mouse. It turned out in fact that he would eat them here and there – he would eat them ANYWHERE. Ted Cruz ladies and gentlemen - soon-to-be ex-senator, magnificently-failed presidential candidate, and star of Beyond The Stupid Dome.

Duck! Dick!

In a shockingly unsurprising and unfortunately unrelated turn of events, Dick Cheney suffered another firearm malfunction. Cheney, never satisfied just shooting off his mouth, or someone else's mouth cost his team a victory last week at the One Shot Antelope Hunt when his gun malfunctioned. Dick’s most recent errant discharge did not result in him shooting anyone, especially the junior senator from Texas Ted Cruz, in the face. Perhaps the most unsurprising aspect of the mishap was Cheney’s blaming of the equipment. "I don't take it personally," Cheney told the crowd at the event's awards banquet. "I'm sure there was some flaw with the manufacturer." I’m sure he’s waiting for his rifle to apologize to him. It’s just never his fault.

Macho, Macho Man

Finally, you heard it here first: like so many virulently anti-gay public figures, Vladimir Putin is a closeted homosexual. It's as plain as the nose Dick Cheney shot off Harry Whittington's face. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Vlad the Lad, sauntering down the stream

 

*This was a trick question. They are all senators, one of them happens to be Ted Cruz.

I. Mangrey reporting. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Thanks for listening. Pass it on.

Morons Of Mass Destruction

A Fabulous, Undeniably Crucial, Kindly Undertaken Peace Mission
I Hope They Stay Until The Job Is Done

Egypt, Egypt

September 14, 2013 

Members of Congress often travel to foreign countries to increase their profile, to be seen as movers and shakers. It's not uncommon for them to rush to the scene of newsworthy events, sometimes because they have an interest in the outcome, but more often because it makes them look and feel important. Sometimes the president will send one or more Senators or Congressmen in his stead to show America cares, or for fact-finding purposes. More often than not they just go because they want to or because they can, or occasionally to play golf or to cheat on their wives.

For example, it might be good to have Rep. Keith Ellison visit the Middle East since he is not Caucasian and he is a Muslim. Maybe he has a certain level of understanding of their culture that others might be missing. Or maybe John McCain, who still thinks he's the real president, will just take it upon himself to buddy up with "freedom fighters" in Libya or opposition leaders in Syria to show he da man. Then he can return home and tell the nation he knows what-up and that we'd better start a war in whatever country he just visited or else the United States is doomed. That's just the way he rolls. McCain never met a war he wouldn't start.

Just the other day a trio of Congressthings showed up in Egypt to hold a press conference. To call this ménage-a-twits Three Stooges would be insulting to stooges everywhere, especially the three we know and love. This tiresome threesome, from the land that brains forgot, spoke to what could only be perceived as an empty room, for fifteen minutes. All three clearly have IQs in the triple digits, it's just that there's a decimal point before those digits. You may not be familiar with all three, but they are well known and respected in the circles within which they move. And they do move in circles, like lobotomized hamsters unable to stop running on the wheel until their little hearts explode.

King, Bachmann, Gohmert

 

Michele Bachmann (R-MN), Steve King (R-IA) and Louie Gohmert (R-UF'ing Kidding Me) assured the Egyptian people military that they would lend their inestimable support to the blossoming dictatorship. Speak-no-real, See-no-real and Hear-no-real stated their certainty that this military takeover will lead to the type of democracy envisioned by Thomas Paine and Thomas Jefferson, and presumably by Thomas' English Muffins, all of whom (with the exception of the muffins) were quoted by Gohmert. He also compared the man now running Egypt, Gen. Abdel Fattah al-Sisi, to George Washington. During his time at the microphone Steve King babbled incoherently, as is his wont, and flashed a copy of the Constitution that he carries "in his pocket every day he wears a jacket" to the unseen and apparently stunned-into-absolute-silence Egyptian audience. What is in the tea these people are drinking?

King, Bachmann, Gohmert in the eyes of most Americans 

Michele Bachmann opened up the festivities, sporting her best deer-in-the-headlights look. The girl genius (IQ: .003) opened with, “My name is Michele Bachmann; I’m a member of the United States Congress from the United States of America.” Bachmann added, "We see the threat that the Muslim Brotherhood has posed around the world. We stand against this great evil, we are not for them. We remember who caused Nine-one-one in America. We know who killed three thousand brave Americans. We have not forgotten." Interesting. I remember when she thought it was Iraq, even though everyone with a whole-number IQ knew it was Saudis…and calls it Nine-eleven. Bachmann personally guaranteed her support for the Egyptian military as long as she serves in the United States Congress in the United States of America. An interesting choice of words since she has announced her immanent retirement, presumably to spend more time with her attorneys. Bachmann currently labors under a nimbus cloud of investigations and a tsunami of stupid.

King, Bachmann, Gohmert, sans make-up 

After all three had finished scaring the hell out of everyone in the Middle East and most of the Americans in the United States of America, Bachmann asked for questions from the "audience" and then responded to the continued silence by asking and answering "one question that has come forward again." I’m sure these three balloon animals airheads came across to the Egyptian people like the teacher in the Peanuts TV specials. I wish they sounded that way to me, but I can still make out the words.

The Definition of Insanity

Things don't get a heck of a lot better when you get the whole House of Representatives of the United States in the United States of America together. Two hundred and thirty Republican't members of Congress voted to repeal Obamacare this week. This is the forty-first time these yahoos have voted to kill Obamacare. Forty-one times. Failing each time. If at first you don't succeed try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try again. And expect a different result.

You just can't make this stuff up folks.

I. Mangrey reporting.

Thanks for listening. Making this stuff up invited.