Axis of Emo

SO TU, Barack?

Washington, DC

January 31, 2014 

Just as Lyndon Johnson, during his State Of The Union address fifty years ago called for an “unconditional War on Poverty,” Barack Obama threw down a gauntlet of his own in his 2014 State Of The Union address. While not in so many words, Obama clearly decided the time was right for America to launch an undeclared War on Pinheadery. As he gazed out on so many Tea Party scowls, and ultra-conservative cry-babies (Democ-rat and Republican’t alike), Obama demanded action on issues like Climate Change, renewable energy, the minimum wage, equal pay for women, income inequality, making health care more and more affordable, sensible gun legislation and putting an end to the limitless arrogance, perpetual obstruction and nation-crushing stupidity of today’s Republican’t Party.

House Speaker extraordinaire John Boener, having just run out of Scotch.

Obama suggested that another forty or so votes to kill Obamacare might not be the best use of time for the most worthless Congress in American history. John Boehner’s 113^th Congress has passed only 55 laws as of December 3, 2013. Historic note: The current Congress makes the famous (majority Republican) Do Nothing Congress of the late 1940s look like very busy bees. Boehner's bunch brings new meaning to Do-Nothing, managing to achieve even less than the most ineffective congress ever - the Newt Gingrich (majority Republican) Do-Less-Than Nothing congress of 1995 - which passed fewer than half of the meager number of laws than did the original Do Nothing Congress.

The president apparently said some things that sent Republican’ts into tantrum mode. Obama talked crazy talk about things like ending our presence in Afghanistan, not shutting down the government…again, taking the massive tax breaks away from the insanely profitable oil companies and diverting them into renewable energy technologies, protecting natural lands for future generations, restoring the unemployment insurance the maggots in congress let expire last December, making sure people who work full-time can afford food, keeping money out of our elections and other mind-bending socialist-communist-Marxist-Kenyan radicalism aimed at destroying our great nation of, for and by the One Percenters. I don’t know how Speaker Boehner kept the tears inside and mostly maintained his happy drunk face during Obama's address to the nation.

Following the speech a careening cavalcade of cantankerous, clueless clowns assaulted the airwaves, awkwardly attempting annoying anecdotes aimed at persuading America that these wayward wizards of worthless whining had just the tiniest clue 1) what they themselves were talking about, 2) that they had ideas of some kind, 3) that America would be better off dismantling the federal government, paying no taxes, fending for themselves, demanding crappy medical insurance that would help them achieve bankruptcy, killing the gays, working for less money and starting another war or two, or three, preferably in the Middle East or possibly New York.

Price of Petulance, Rand Paul (R-KY) decided he just had to put in his own 2 non-cents in response to the SOTU. Never mind that the Republican’ts already had someone deliver the official rebuttal, as did the soon-to-be-historic-footnoteTea Party. Paul clearly stumbles to the beat of a different fife player. And just as nobody else in congress wishes to associate themselves with Ayn-Rand Paul, he is clearly comfortable not associating with anyone else as he prepares his make-believe run for the presidency in 2014. I’m sure he will get almost as few many votes as his old daddy has managed to drum up over the years.

Lindsey Graham, whiny, adolescent girl senator from South Carolina, land of the undying Confederacy, a state that only recently and very begrudgingly stopped flying the Confederate flag in its capitol, repeated his usual assessment of any speech that doesn’t announce the beginning of a tragically insane war on some country or other. Clearly reeling from Obama’s constant pleas for patience, thoughtfulness and diplomacy across the globe, Ms. Graham, carefully choosing his words as always, in his usual understated manner offered, “The world is literally about to blow up.” This, Graham claims is a result of Obama's peacenik policies of massive spying on American citizens and his penchant for incessant drone strikes across the globe.

Ted Cruz imparted his usual hallucinatory take on things, squeaking, "There's going to come another president, a Republican president*, and if you have this power for the president to say, 'I don't agree with this tax law, this environmental law, this labor law, so I'm just going to change it' – that threatens the liberty of every American." 

Cruz and many other poor little Republican’ts are particularly bent out of shape about Obama’s threats to issue Executive Orders that circumvent their massive, unending roadblocks. Cruz said, “Of all the troubling aspects of the Obama presidency, none is more dangerous than the president’s persistent pattern of lawlessness.” Soon-to-be ex-Congresswoman and Guiness Book of World Records entry for least number of blinks in a lifetime, Michele Bachmann added, “The president renewed his commitment that he was going to be King Obama. This is something that is really frightening to the American people…He may think he’s king, he may declare he’s a king, but that’s not what he is under the Constitution.” Republican'ts pretend to be outraged that a president (even a white one I presume) would dare take matters into his own hands to make things happen. It may surprise you to find that Obama is not the first president to use his special powers to enact policies. You may be familiar with a president named Lincoln and his Executive Order known as the Emancipation Proclamation. Given the uproar that followed Obama’s long overdue decision to sidestep the Comatose Congress you would probably think he’s been quite abusive on this front. Rather than adding another thousand words, I’ll let you look at this picture:

The all-time champion of Executive Orders, not shown above, was Franklin Delano Roosevelt, whose time as president left us pretty darn well off compared to when he first took office.

The day after Tuesday's SOTU Obama signed an Executive Order authorizing Treasury Secretary Jack Loo to institute MyRA to help regular Americans save for the future. John McCain, who began serving in the Senate during the Grant administration I believe, was simply shocked, shocked I say, to hear Obama threaten to use Executive Orders. McCain put down his i-Phone long enough to croak, “We haven’t got many more options except tell the American people that we’re seeing an abuse of the intent of the Constitution.” The senior Maverick from Arizona needs to get back on his meds.

* This is growing more and more unlikely by the minute and will stay that way for a very long time unless they figure out a way to gerrymander federal elections, which they are in fact working on with great vigor ever since the Supreme Court killed the Voting Rights Act. For example, you know what is happening to presumptive Republican’t front-runner and Olympic gold-medalist in bullying - Crass Christie. He was just surpassed by Mike “Women Need To Keep Their Libidos In Check To Reduce Unwanted Pregnancies” Huckabee. It looks to be another mind altering Republican’t presidential primary coming soon to psych ward near you.

I. Mangrey reporting.

Thanks for listening. Responsible gnashing of teeth invited.

Poor Excuse For A War

Don't Let The War Hit You On The Way Out

The Poor Side Of Town

January 12, 2014

This week saw the fiftieth anniversary of President Lyndon Johnson's first State of The Union address, during which he declared an “unconditional war on poverty in America.” Some of you might be thinking, heck, that doesn’t sound like a bad idea. At least it’s a nice sentiment. Put me down as FOR it. And what do you know? It had its share of success and programs begun under the banner of The War on Poverty continue to provide critical assistance to Americans in need. And yes, somehow after fifty years poverty stubbornly continues to menace countless among us. Federal policies that actually helped level the playing field continue their uphill battle. Twenty-four years after Johnson's declaration, President Ronald Reagan decided he had a better idea. Reagan declared war on The War on Poverty lobbing this brilliant salvo, “Friends, some years ago the federal government declared war on poverty, and poverty won.” 

This year Senator Marco Rubio (T-FL) used this fiftieth anniversary of one of America’s prouder moments to first vote against extending unemployment benefits, and then claim he has a better way to fight poverty. The most amazing thing was his ability to get through the entire diatribe without lunging for a drink of water. Not to be outdone the Republican’t chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee proposed stopping unemployment benefits altogether. There are many more examples of such brave and moral pronouncements from our legislators, many of whom were blissfully complicit while George W. Bush pillaged the national treasury and handed anything that wasn't nailed down to the very wealthiest among us, playing no small part in the Great Recession from which we are just now emerging over half a decade later…maybe. Today’s Republican’ts remain resolute as ever in fighting the War on The War on Poverty. Go Poverty!

Get a job ya little moocher.

Republican’ts of course oppose Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, a minimum wage, child labor laws, welfare, food stamps, public education, school lunches, civil rights, abortion rights, voting rights - anything that might help those unable to overcome circumstances beyond their control. They will fight any attempt to provide government assistance to anyone not already advantaged. They can only abide government handouts to large banks and corporations and will fight for what they believe to the death…of the poor. Oh, and 50% of Congress are millionaires. And the richest of them all is Darryl Issa (R-YFKM), chairman of the House Oversight Committee. Filthy. Rich. Issa has busied himself with creating phony scandals to investigate, none of them having anything to do with moving the country forward in any way. He surely puts the con in congress. Paul Ryan, who owes his success in part to government "handouts," says giving such help to anyone else has created a "poverty trap." Why does Ryan hate himself?

There is one thing that can be used to level the economic playing field, actually any playing field, that Republican’ts favor with every bone in their bodies, including those in their cold dead hands. And that, my fellow Americans, is GUNS. Yes, if you can’t get a decent paying job, can’t afford food for your family, if your unemployment was cut off by wealthy congressmen, get a gun. Not only can't they stop you, most of the people who are keeping you from having jobs, money and food actually want you to have a gun. You can just shoot your way to happiness and prosperity and simply claim self-defense. This is Second Amendment territory. Start your well regulated militia today. Even if it's a militia of one. Stand your ground. It's time to declare war on the War On the War On Poverty. But don't fire until you see the whites of their skin or the green of their backs.

I. Mangrey reporting.

Thanks for listening. Don't actually shoot anyone.