More On Morons

How Many Morons Can Dance On A Pinhead, Continued

The Good Old U S of…I can never remember that last one

July 18, 2014

Before we were so rudely interrupted by the Fourth of July I was trying to determine, in a very scientific manner, how many morons could dance on a pinhead. I only got up to four. If you’re like me, and for your sake I hope that’s not true, you’re probably thinking, “I really wish I wasn’t like him.” You’re probably also thinking, “I can’t believe that only four morons can dance on a pinhead.” In order to be truly scientific about this we need to specify the pinhead. 

Now I could make this very easy and chose as my hypothetical pinhead, let’s say Rush Limbaugh. This time I know what you’re thinking; there’s nothing hypothetical about Rush Limbaugh being a pinhead. But, a pinhead of that size would be too easy, and might skew our results. And then there’s Donald Trump, but even one moron attempting to dance on that pinhead could become irretrievably entangled and never heard from again…not that there’s anything wrong with that. So let’s make it relatively safe and realistic and choose a smaller pinhead - of course by smaller I mean surface area, not actual pinheadedness. So, strictly in the interest of science, though science is like Kryptonite to the subjects at hand, let us continue with our thought (something else that is obviously toxic to the subjects at hand) experiment. We will use as our less hypothetical pinhead one Ann Coulter, who recently opined that, "any growing interest in soccer can only be a sign of the nation's moral decay."

Five?

Perry trying to shoot his mouth off

Governor Rick Perry (R-idiculous), he of the matching hat size and IQ, continues to speak in public. Oops. The details are unimportant…though hilarious, like comparing being homosexual with being an alcoholic. Okay, just this one more: “I’m more Jewish than you think I am. I read the part of the Bible that said the Jews are God’s chosen people.” And I’m part Nepalese because I once looked a map of the world.

Six? Seven?

Bachmann and Palin - still breathing, still talking, still dumb as rocks. 

More?

Countless gun owners like this lovely family…

From the website Americans Against The Tea Party:

A responsible, gun owning Kentucky mom stepped outside, leaving her

5-year-old son alone with his new birthday present — a brand new, shiny loaded .22-cal. rifle — and his 2-year-old sister.

Unfortunately, mom was outside just long enough for her son to fatally shoot his sister, Caroline Sparks, with his new present.

Kentucky State Police Trooper Billy Gregory says that the shooting has been ruled an accident. “It’s just one of those nightmares,” he said, “a quick thing that happens when you turn your back.”

He added that in the area it is not uncommon for parents to give their young children weapons. “In this part of the country, it’s not uncommon for a 5-year-old to have a gun or for a parent to pass one down to their kid,” he said.

The rifle that killed Caroline Sparks is a Crickett single-shot, and has a child safety, according to Cumberland County Coroner Gary White. The company’s web site features three .22-caliber rifle models for children and the slogan, “My first rifle.”

The family, while upset, is happy that little Caroline is in a “better place.”

Well, they got that right. The children’s grandmother said, “It was God’s will. It was her time to go, I guess.” Good guess.

More More?

Here’s a little tidbit I never knew: In November 2000, shortly after Al Gore defeated George W. Bush, and shortly before the Supreme Court appointed Bush president in flagrant contempt of the will of the people, an attorney named John Roberts flew down to Florida to advise Jeb Bush during the “recount.” John Roberts? Now why is that name so familiar? Moron, weasel or Chief-Justice-of-the-Supreme-Court-appointed-by-George-W-Bush? You make the call.

I have a sneaking suspicion that there is simply no way to accurately count the number of morons that can dance on a pinhead. And I haven’t even touched on Fux News and its audience, the entire Tea Party, the Republican’t leadership in Congress (the Democrats have been there, but at the moment they are the generally cooler heads, though not prevailing), anyone listening to Dick Cheney, John McCain, Bill Kristol or any of the other Major Morons who told us what a walk-in-the-park the Iraq War would be, Eric Cantor, the guy who just beat Eric Cantor, climate change deniers, or South Carolina. There just aren’t enough electrons in the known universe to do justice to all these Tiny (brained) Dancers. So I leave it up to you to keep on keepin’ track.

I leave you with this video about some brilliant satirists showing those stupid environmentalists who’s boss:

I. Mangrey reporting.

Thanks for listening. I think we’re going to need a bigger pinhead.

We interrupt our regularly scheduled raving for this special holiday message...

Happy 2^nd 4^th of Amendment July

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

July 4^th, 2014

As we prepare to celebrate our nation’s 238^th birthday a relatively small, armed and dangerous segment of America is wallowing in a grotesque and misguided obsession with the Second Amendment to the Constitution. It’s obvious that these pseudo-patriots have spent little if any time actually reading the Constitution, even the ones who can read. This is obvious because they clearly haven’t even read their beloved Second Amendment. It says, “A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.” Even the casual reader will notice that the opening phrase refers to the necessity of a well regulated militia. 

The drafters of the Constitution – not plastered, but bronzed (actually they often were

plastered, but clearly less tragically unstable than their modern-era tea-strained wannabe successors)

Militias were our fledgling nation’s only defense against the still very irritated and still well-armed British. It was probably important to defend ourselves against the at least equally annoyed Native Americans we continued to displace and murder as well. In any event we had no police force and no standing army. Hence the need for militias. This of course preceded the Second Amendment, contrary to renowned historian Sarah Palin who shared what can best be described as a Drunk History lesson about Paul Revere:

"And you know, he who warned the British that they weren't going to be taking away our arms, by ringing those bells and making sure, as he is riding his horse through town, to send those warning shots and bells, that we were going to be secure and we were going to be free."

Unfortunately, neither sentence structure nor sensibility is part of Ms. Palin's repertoire, but you get the point. As Keith Olbermann was wont to say from time to time, "That woman, is an idiot."

Not to be out dumbed, Michele Bachmann, during the 2012 Republican't presidential primary, told an audience of students and conservative activists in Manchester, New Hampshire, "You're the state where the shot was heard around the world in Lexington and Concord," clutching a tea bag in her hand. Most of you, and your children, and their children know that the historic moment soon-to-be-ex-congresswoman Bachmann was referring to happened in Concord, Massachusetts, which is a different state than New Hampshire. Apparently nobody told Ms. Bachmann that when she was growing up.

More Second Amendment Fun For The Whole Family

Georgia’s newly enacted Safe Carry Protection Act, commonly referred to as the “Guns Everywhere Bill” makes it legal to carry guns in schools, churches, airports, restaurants and of course bars. Everyone knows that the fact that Dick Cheney was drunk while hunting trapped, flightless birds and shooting Harry Whittington in the face before hiding out for 18 hours while he sobered up in anticipation of his inevitable encounter with the local militia police. How anyone resisted the temptation to purposely combine guns and alcohol this long is simply a mystery. Finally some legislators had the good sense to get plastered and pass a law. Even so, one poll said that 70% of Georgians oppose this crazy law.

No Gun Control, No Birth Control

While it has always been acceptable to conceive a child in the same schools, churches, airports, restaurants and bars in which Georgia now wants you to be armed and derangerous, I imagine that a sizeable majority of pregnancies resulting from such encounters were unwanted. That is why the Supreme Court made abortion safe and legal in 1973. Today the anti-separation-of-church-and-staters in the Supreme(ly Disappointing) Court have just empowered religious zealots to change the way we all live, which after all is precisely what they want. To paraphrase the great (just kidding) Ronald Reagan: Justices Scalia, Thomas, Alito and Roberts - please stop tearing down that wall. It’s not enough that this nation entitles everyone to their religious beliefs. These fanatics will not be satisfied until we live in the theocracy of their choice. The Roberts court has now enabled these freaks to stop people from having easy access to contraceptives. If that’s the way they want it, I believe there’s one other thing that needs to happen…

Come and get it birth-forcers.

All anti-choicers must voluntarily place their names on a list to receive, love and raise as their own the next baby born out of lack-of-choice. In fact once such a child is conceived, since that is when they say life begins, the next lucky duck on the Save Helpless Infants Today list will immediately be responsible for all medical and related expenses. If they think this is unfair I suppose they could opt to terminate the pregnancy.

There are plenty of babies for everyone who wants one.

Just look at this happy couple.

I. Mangrey reporting.

Thanks for listening. I’m so sick of these people I can’t even tell you…oh wait I think I just did.