Votegra - America's First and Only Election Drug
Midterm Election Special Report/Advertisement
October 29, 2014
Votegra
is celebrating its ninth year as America’s number one medication for the
nation’s febrile electorate. As with every election held since Votegra burst
onto the scene in 2005, we bring you the best of what the Twenty-first Century
has to offer to perk up our flaccid democracy. Hey it’s always worth a try. We
survived the as yet unabated genocide of our homeland’s original peoples. We
survived “knowing” that our great nation was built on the backs of African
slaves, whose progeny we continue to harass, belittle and gun down in the
streets, even after electing our first white president who is also black. We
survived a devastating civil war, though some of us continue to fight it a
century and a half later. We survived a president who ran the country according
to the sage advice of a secret astrologer. We survived the leadership of a
misunderestimated doofus who repeatedly fell off his bicycle and was almost
assassinated by a pretzel. Technically, our survival of this last affront is pending.
In any event, another mid-term election is upon us like a cloud of ether
engulfing an already dazed and intellectually questionable populace. Please get
out and vote if for no other reason than the Republican’ts don’t want you to.
We now bring you, in its semi-original form, the very first Votegra ad…
Are
you having trouble sustaining an election?
Important information about a
powerful drug for a serious condition afflicting hundreds of millions of people
the world over, even here in Americaland.
You may already be one of the many
who need the most remarkable wonder-drug of all time - VOTEGRA.
Not just for men. Not just for women. Millions of people all over the world are
suffering horribly and don't even know it. Millions more simply pretend that
everything is just fine. Others are, as we speak, having their right to vote
jeopardized by Republican't corporate backers and their pet government
operatives desperate to keep non-Republican't voters from exercising the most
basic American right. One human, one vote.
You may actually believe you're
healthy and happy and ready to vote in every way. Or you may simply be in
denial. Don't let another election
go by leaving you feeling angry, depressed, hopeless, powerless, useless, out
of step, unamerican or just plain stoopid.
The FDA has waived all safety regulations and precautions - and that's
almost a stretch for them since there were no huge sums of money offered. This
drug is too important to ignore any longer although, given the current
anti-vote environment, VOTEGRA may only be available in Canada and
Mexico between now and November 4, 2014.
Are
you suffering from Electile Dysfunction?
Can't get into the booth like you
used to? Are you voting blanks? Do you wish you could do it more often and make
it mean something? Is your chad just hanging there limp and listless? Is your
votecount shockingly lower than you ever would have expected? Do you get the
feeling your vote is about to be suppressed? Is your once worthless candidate
now just a worthless has-been? Does it seem like you’re just standing in an
endless line waiting for your chance to pull the old lever again? Would you
like to be able to throw a football through a tire?
VOTEGRA
won't just help you keep an election for as long as you want. It may even help
you prop up a government of your choosing for years on end. You'll be fighting
off those corporate whores with a stick if you know what I mean. And why
shouldn't you be - you put the pedal to the metal and made your vote count like
you haven't been able to do for years. Who's your daddy now? With VOTEGRA
your election will be valid every time. No more just worriedly wishing you had
an election - VOTEGRA can make you feel like you could get that lever up
and down any time you want to. Don't wait any longer - ask your doctor or
senator if VOTEGRA is for you.
Electile Dysfunction is no joke;
we're voting for quality representation for Pete's sake. You may have Electile Dysfunction and not
even know it. Do something about it before it's too late and you end up with a governor
who is already under investigation for numerous felonies, or one that is the
same size as the state he manages and shuts down major bridges to spite someone
who wouldn’t endorse him, or a senator who claims to carry a gun in case the
government doesn’t perform to her liking, a congressman who threatened to throw
a reporter off a balcony and who thinks YOU are a lazy moocher sponging off the
same government off of which he feels absolutely entitled to sponge. Oops, you
waited too long, but at least thanks to term limits George W. Bush has been
replaced. But nothing not quite as bad lasts forever. Please don't let Electile
Dysfunction wreck our lives again.
Possible side effects of not using
VOTEGRA include runny candidates, listless legislators, long lines, spoiled
votes, butterfly ballots, purged voter rolls, Diebold, depression, another
Depression, Citizens United II (corporations are people and people are not),
PATRIOT Act IV, armed repression, cranio-rectal syndrome, un-Occupied Wall
Street, Ted Cruz, Chris Christie, Jeb Bush, short-circuited recounts, Ayn Rand,
another Antonin Scalia, another Clarence Thomas, another Supreme
Court-appointed president, Armageddon.
If your
election lasts longer than four years contact your arms dealer immediately.
VOTEGRA
Fixing Elections since 2005
brought to you by the 99% non-corporation
