Wait A Second

Second Thoughts On An Amendment

The Wild, Wild Waste

February 27, 2015

We the people of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

                                    Preamble to the United States Constitution

Thoughtful, beautiful and inspiring words I must say. A mission statement for a new nation, unlike any before it. Many nice words about things anyone would have a hard time arguing with. I mean, who wouldn’t want Justice, Tranquility, common defence, general Welfare, Liberty and stuff like that? And as well thought out as this opening salvo appears at first blush, it seems like something is missing. I just can’t put my finger on it. Is it sex? Free tea? No slaves? Chocolate? Health care? Oh, I know what it is - GUNS!  

How did our Founding Fools - very nice white men, though illegal immigrants all - leave out the guns? What were they, French or something? If you’re alive today and not just a character in someone else’s dream, even if you’re an extraterrestrial monitoring our tiny planet, you would be excused for having the unavoidable sense that our great nation was founded on guns uber alles. All that Justice, Liberty, Tranquility stuff is all well and good I suppose, but come on - Guns baby. Guns - they’re what everyone’s talking about, what all the cool kids are wearing these days - or if not the guns, then possibly the bullets - and through no choice of their own. And the only thing standing between us and godless communists or godful terrorists? Guns.

Go grab a good generous gander at intermittent-Republican’t-front-runner Mike Huckabee’s new book, “God, Guns, Grits and Gravy,” with the emphasis apparently on and. He left out gasoline…too many syllables I guess. Golly gee, Reverend Mike doesn’t have time for gays, Greens, Gandhi, garlic, generosity, gravity and greenhouse gasses. Psycho Mike doesn’t see any difference between an AR-15 and a pencil when killing time comes around, believing "Every weapon is an assault weapon, a pencil is an assault weapon if you poke it in someone's eye." Yes he actually said that.

Good Grief, Goober!

The Second Amendment of the United States Constitution reads: "A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed." First of all the amendment was written a few years ago and obviously their idea of arms was a nice knife, axe, pitchfork or a single-shot musket, with which an expert could pull off three to four shots in a minute - and maybe even hit something once in a while. In 2013, NRA president David Keene told an interviewer, “This nation was founded as a result of the fact, people, citizens who had a musket above their fireplace grabbed the gun when an emergency confronted them. For four million Americans, the AR-15 is the musket of today.” The slight difference is that the musket of today can fire off 700 rounds in a minute. The downside being the need to slap on a new hundred-round clip after twelve seconds or so. The good news is you probably don’t have to aim all that much, just wave it around and keep that finger on the trigger.  As you can see, they’re almost identical.

The amazing Key & Peele

Gun zealots blissfully ignore the first phrase of this amendment - the well regulated Militia bit. Personally, my focus always landed on the necessity of having a Militia. I admit that until just now I myself have all but ignored the qualifier of said militia. All of a sudden my focus was drawn to the words well regulated. I know most of the self-proclaimed patriots - relentless defenders of the Second Amendment to the exclusion of just about everything else in the known universe - detest being regulated in any way. However, since it’s right there in the Constitution they love to claim they love, as one of the first words to the very Amendment they cling to like the few parts of the Bible they choose to follow verbatim, shouldn’t they at least pretend to be conflicted? At the time we needed a militia to protect us from the King of England (and huge corporations like the East India Company) and that militia was apparently to be well regulated. It’s there in writing…on real hemp parchment, written by the original American patriots. Today’s patriots don’t even make a show of trying to explain it away. They simply pretend it’s not there. Or maybe they never actually read it. How many of these trigger-happy arms bearers are well regulated? And by whom? Every day another of them let’s a child shoot, and often kill someone with their safely stored guns. Do these people even really know what a “free state” is? Most of them are clearly off their meds.

Our founders were not demanding freedom to have unfettered access to guns. They were
interested in freedom for life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. You may notice that the first of these freedoms is inversely related to the unfettered - dare I say unregulated - access to guns as it turns out.

I. Mangrey reporting. Bang!

And They're Off...Really Off, Part Two

The 2016 Republican’t Whores Race, Part Two

Land of a Thousand Dunces

February 7, 2015

It’s time to pick up where we laughed off. I hope you are all feeling refreshed enough to have a go at Part Two of our (thankfully only) two-part series on the Republican’t presidential Field of Screams. Without any further ado about nothing…

Rev. Mike “God, Guns, Grits, Gravy, Golly Gee” Huckabee

Huckabee dissed the Obamas for letting their kids listen to Beyonce’s

revolting lyrics, but happily joins psycho-perv Ted Nugent singing

about having sex with anything that moves.

The not-quite-right reverend Mike Huckabee spoke about making laws this way, “If you’re gonna have some sausage, you gotta kill some pigs. And folks, there’s a lot of people in America who want the sausage, they just don’t want to kill any pigs. We need to do some pig killin’…to get to the sausage.” Clear enough for ya? He sure is fucksy folksy.

Gov. Rick “I Can See Myself In The Mirror” Perry

Perry trying to keep air from blowing in one ear and out the other

while singing, “You Are The Wind Between My Ears.”

Rick Perry keeps on his Clark Can’t glasses but can’t keep his mouth shut, thereby seriously jeopardizing his chances of advancing. That, and people now know who he is. Don’t judge a book by its cover, especially if you’ve already read the book and then they changed the cover.

Bankruptcy Expert, Donald “One Man, One Hair” Trump

Trump: as usual, mouth agape, brain disengaged

Donald Trump continues to be Donald Trump - a devastating disadvantage. The personification of the Mose Allison song, “Your Mind is On Vacation, But Your Mouth is Working Overtime.”

The Queen of Tea

She’s a little Tea Pot. And a little potted.

Sarah Palin, who is wont to make fun of those whose talking takes place with teleprompters and their use of it, found herself teleprompter-less and therefore having to make words of which to speak from her heart or god or too much booze, or however she makes the talking go, dazzled the already dazed crowd with this: "Things must change for our government. Look at it. It isn’t too big to fail. It’s too big to succeed! It's too big to succeed, so we can afford no retreads or nothing will change with the same people and same policies that got us into the status quo. Another Latin word, status quo, and it stands for, ‘Man, the middle-class everyday Americans are really gettin’ taken for a ride.’ That's status quo, and GOP leaders, by the way - y'know the man can only ride ya when your back is bent. So strengthen it. Then the man can't ride ya, America won't be taken for a ride, because so much is at stake and we can't afford politicians playing games like nothing more is at stake than, oh, maybe just the next standing of theirs in the next election."* Wow, we haven’t been privy to such oratory magnificence since George W. Bush’s famous “Fool-me-once” speech. 

George W. Bush fools himself

And speaking of fools, rock and roll reject, Ted Nugent said of Palin, “She is my hero. Sarah Palin is the perfect example of what our Founding Fathers envisioned for an experiment in self-government.” Interesting since neither of these self-promoting cretins has the vaguest notion of what our Founding Fathers envisioned and neither has any experience with self-reflection, let alone self-government.

Nugent and Palin (armed) shown here with their hostages/spouses

But wait, there’s more. The ex-half-term Alaskan governor and full-time random word slinger added, “Racism. Sexism. Whatever. Really it’s,  it’s kind of Orwellian observing how that works that rule of...Saul Alinsky’s no doubt that the Left employs, disgusting charges from the Left that reverse ‘em you know for it is they who point a finger not realizing they have triple that amount of fingers pointin’ right back at ‘em.”* Couldn’t have said it any stranger myself. Admittedly these quotes were taken out of context during a 40 minute flood of syllables. I challenge anyone to create a context within which any of this frightening splatter of words makes sense. Palin arranges words like Jackson Pollack arranged paint, though to much poorer effect.

Jackson Pollock famously and successfully flung paint onto canvas in what might be called

precise randomness. Palin while similarly random is infinitely less precise and an abject failure.

Oh, and did I mention Chris Christie, Scott Walker and Ted Cruz were there? No, I did not. 

“I love you Chris.”

“I will literally eat you for breakfast Scott.”

We have recently learned that another potential contender, Jeb Bush was fond of marijuana and hashish as a young lad. No word on whether he also shared his older brother’s fondness for cocaine. Ted Cruz has also owned up to dabbling in the evil weed. Marijuana would not admit to having ever been involved with Ted Cruz.

The good news for Republican’ts is they really only need two votes to get the nomination and very possibly the White House. Those two votes belong to David and Charles Koch who are promising to infuse just shy of one billion dollars into the 2016 election cycle. 

 

Breaking Noose

Jolly Old England

February 13, 2015

Republican’t front-runner-du-jour, Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker, visiting England in an attempt to show he is bona fide president material, was asked by a British moderator if he believes in evolution. In a deep, calmly assured voice Walker responded, "(laughing) For me, I'm going to punt on that one as well. That's a question a politician shouldn't be involved in one way or the other. So I'm gonna leave that up to you." Apparently this was not Walker’s first punt of the interview. Presumably he was also asked if he was a moron. Be very afraid America - this guy’s about as presidential as George W. Bush.

Walker can’t even blame Lucy for pulling the ball away - he was punting.

I. Mangrey reporting. All politics is loco.

Consider yourselves warned more thoroughly.

* I promise this is an actual quote.

And They're Off...Really Off

The 2016 Republican’t Whores Race

Iowa Lot

February 6, 2015

As you probably know, Willard Mitt Romney recently emerged from his mansion, saw his shadow and/or the writing on the wall, and scurried back into his car elevator, having decided not to run for president again. Woe is we. I guess we won’t have Mitt Romney to kick around anymore. That however doesn’t mean that the Republican’ts’ new cavalcade of clowns won’t delight, amuse and frighten us. To quote John Boehner, “Hell no!”

Live Free or D’oh

A week before Mitt’s disappearance, Rep. Steven King hosted the Iowa Freedom Summit for Republican’t 2016 presidential hopefuls. King insisted that for every child of illegal immigrants “who’s a valedictorian, there’s another 100 out there who weigh 130 pounds and they’ve got calves the size of cantaloupes because they’re hauling 75 pounds of marijuana across the desert.” This coming from a man with nothing but an over-ripe melon keeping his ears apart. King is a quote machine: “So we just asked them, under oath, “are you a vegetarian?” And they confessed they were vegetarians, all of them. Well there they are with an agenda for our diets…I eat recycled, concentrated, enhanced vegetables in the form of meat.” 

“I didn’t think it’s an irrational comment at all — I just see it as the situation we’re in.

I have an irrational lust to love the Constitution and fiscal responsibility and individualism.”

All those with the urge to run, or more likely just having the runs, were on hand to get out of hand, and show the true conservatives who is the Bull Goose Loony ready to stop Obama from being a three-term president. Shhhh, don’t tell them about the term limit thingie, let them have their fun.

Dr. Rand “Don’t Vaccinate, Don’t Tell” Paul

Rand Paul, quoting Bob Einstein, or someone...

In 2009 Rand Paul, having not yet learned how to properly hide his disdain for things like desegregation, a federal government and vaccinations said, "The first sort of thing you see with martial law is mandates, and they’re talking about making it mandatory." In this instance Paul was referring to vaccines. In late 2014 Paul, who supported Romney in 2012 weighed in on a third Romney run this way, “When you do the same thing and expect a different result, it’s sort of what Einstein said, that the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result." Right now I’m trying over and over to remember just how many times Paul’s father ran for president. I must be insane.

Dr. Ben “Think Big, Talk Crazy” Carson

Carson, the first neurosurgeon to separate twins joined at the head,

can’t keep his one head together for two minutes.

Dr. Ben Carson, the black Republican’t who isn’t Herman “Awww Shucky Ducky” Cain, and one of a select few who could give brain surgeons a bad name, jumped at the chance to take Cain’s seat in the Clown Car. According to this retired brain surgeon, "You know Obamacare is really, I think, the worst thing that has happened in this nation since slavery." Carson also told us that Gay marriage caused the downfall of the Roman empire and that Obama may cancel the 2016 election and declare martial law. Brain surgery may still loom in Dr. Carson’s future, though this time he won’t be the one holding the scalpel.

Gov. Bobby “No-Go Zone” Jindal

Jindal working his magic on the Gulf Coast.

Louisiana Republican Bobby Jindal says, "If the Supreme Court were to throw out our law, our [state] constitutional amendment -- I hope they wouldn't do that -- if they do that, I certainly support Ted Cruz and others that are talking about making an amendment in the Congress and D.C., a constitutional amendment to allow states to continue to define marriage. I think it should be between a man and a woman." Unfortunately the interviewer didn’t ask Jindal if he felt the same way about slavery.

I’m going to take a break here. I just can’t take any more at the moment. I imagine you feel the same. I’m going to rest up and then go out in search of a vaccine to protect my precious bodily fluids from these nut jobs as they prepare to criss-cross the country bobbing for dollars. I’ll be back next time with more from Steven King’s Fabulous Freedom Freak Show. Consider yourselves warned.

I. Mangrey reporting. All politics is local.

Consider yourselves warned.