The Chrump Who Stole The Primary

The Campaign of Donald Chrump: It's Real(ity TV)

July 31, 2015

The Chrump

The current GOP frontrunner is pulling away from the cavalcade of clowns, creeps, clods and cretins clamoring to capture the 45^th presidency. So far, the more abusive, ignorant and childish he shows himself to be, the more beloved he becomes to Republican’t primary voters. The narcissistic reality show host is on a rampage against anything that’s not nailed down. Half Sarah Palin, half Louie Gohmert, half Andrew Dice Clay, Mr. Chrump can babble bellicose bile with the best worst of them. The interesting thing is that most people believe that his campaign is merely a spin-off of The Apprentice. None of those polled were asked if they thought that Chrump’s candidacy was for real. Some volunteered that they wondered why there have been no commercials so far. Others assumed that Chrump was sponsoring the entire event out of his very large bank account.

NEW CNN/ORC POLL:

SANDERS: 59% 

CHRUMP: 38% 

The only thing Chrump hasn’t done so far is whip a firearm out of his hair and start waving around while threatening his opponents, China, Russia, Iran, Canada, Mexico, Antartica and the climate. Thus far the candidate has not let on that this is the direction his reality campaign will take, but I’m looking forward to Chrump’s inevitable open carry campaign stops. He will show everyone who’s boss by Second Amendmenting his way across the country. Even more exciting will be his first accidental shooting.

The Donald explaining The Chrump Doctrine for international diplomacy.

Chrump arrives in Texas to huge, well-paid adoring fans. After trashing ex-governor Rick Perry for over a half hour, The Don’tald who calls himself a "big Second Amendment person," told the minimum wage crowd, “I don’t need glasses to look smart. I’m already the smartest person you’ve ever met. I’m the smartest man ever to run for president. I’m also the richest. I will defeat the Mexican rapists and John McCain easily. I will kick their ass. When I am president America will secede from the United Nations. Nobody tell America what to do…except me, Donald Chrump. I, I mean we, will own Europe. I’m worth $9 billion* by the way. Right now America is a broken down wasteland. There is almost nothing left for me take over, but I’m so amazing that nothing is too tough for me to fix or go bankrupt trying. Am I right? Frankly I can’t even believe anyone is running against me. You can’t beat me. You just can’t. Ask anyone. And I know exactly how to beat ISIS – you just watch me. I’m worth $10 billion.* Now watch me pull a rifle out of my hair.” Whereupon the AR-15 appeared and began to discharge its ammo until the Chrumpster regained control, but not before two of his bodyguards lay dead and 17 innocent, albeit well-paid attendees found themselves improperly pierced.

Chrump taking the stage for his famous “I Have a Gun” speech.

If you need further proof of Chrump’s reality-ness, according to Ann Coulter, “Trump is different. We have been lied to for thirty years about immigration. That’s why Trump is striking this chord. He’s attractive. He’s tall. He’s hilariously funny. I think he could be not only a nominee who could win but a third party candidate who could win.” I rest my case.

Chrump, the unrepentant, unrelenting birther is still waiting to see Obama’s birth certificate so he can finally believe Obama is president. It’s not the orangutan-topped Chrump’s birth certificate I’m anxious to see…

*or less than $3 billion according to those who are not Donald Chrump

NEW I. MANGREY POLL:

CHEEZ WHIZ: 19% 

CHRUMP: 2%
ANYONE ELSE: 79%

When All Else Fails…Hitler

Not to be out-dumbed, professional hypocrite, Rev. Mike Huckabee, miserably trailing Chrump in the Republican’t primary and also desperate for attention commented on Obama’s attempts at détente with Iran thusly: "This president’s foreign policy is the most feckless in American history. It is so naive that he would trust the Iranians. By doing so, he will take the Israelis and march them to the door of the oven." When Obama called him out saying that the former governor's comment was "part of just a general pattern that we've seen that would be considered ridiculous if it weren't so sad." Naturally Reverend Mike has, like all his Republican’t colleagues, not read the Iran agreement…but they all hate it preemptively.

Huckabee bit back…"What's 'ridiculous and sad' is that President Obama does not take Iran's repeated threats seriously. For decades, Iranian leaders have pledged to 'destroy,' 'annihilate,' and 'wipe Israel off the map' with a 'big Holocaust,'" Huckabee said in a Monday statement. "'Never again' will be the policy of my administration and I will stand with our ally Israel to prevent the terrorists in Tehran from achieving their own stated goal of another Holocaust." The man is clearly unshakable in his support for Israel.

Said The Huckster in 2008, “Another way to contain Iran is through diplomacy. We must be as aggressive diplomatically as we have been militarily since 9/11…Iran is a nation-state seeking regional clout and playing the game of power politics we understand and can skillfully pursue. We cannot live with al Qaeda, but we might be able to live with a contained Iran.” Why does he hate the Jews so much? Of course allowing Iran to prematurely annihilate Israeli Jews is dangerous since the Jews in Israel are a necessary ingredient for The Rapture.

I. Mangrey reporting. Does this font make me look fat?

UPDATE

My prediction for the upcoming first Republican't primary debate...

Paying (For) Attention: Business Edition

(None Of Your Effin) Business News

July 17, 2015

Oil, Oil Everywhere, But Not A Drop To Drink

The looming deal with Iran obviously has many possible perils pervading its implementation, not to mention long-term effects in the Middle East and across the globe. One element not to be ignored however is the fact that Iran has lots of oil on which we would like to get our hands. Because oil makes the world go round. Right now the U.S. has more oil than it knows what to do with. And America’s tree buggerers remain relentless in their quest to unearth every last drop under the ground or under the seas. The goal is to suck it out and burn it up if only to prove that humans are in no way contributing to global climate change. Yes we can.

Rumor has it that some scientists are hard at work trying to develop technology that will turn oil into drinking water. Move over Jesus. My mouth is already watering at the mere thought. Finally, I may be able to stop drinking my own urine. Now I am not a scientist, and it is true that I am gullible enough to believe in things like global climate change, evolution and gravity, but it seems very possible that it would be easier to fix it so that people could consume oil instead of water.

Oiled water off the coast of Louisiana. Those folks just love anything blackened.

George W. Bush, in his 2006 State of The Union address told us that “America is addicted to oil.” Three months later he rattled off a list of possible alternatives and then swallowed his own brain before leaving office having ACCOMPLISHED his MISSION of having been president, albeit unelected.

Cheap Labor Pains

Apparently the hugely profitable corporations exploiting slave cheap labor in China are finding labor costs in China too high. They are looking to Africa as the next stop on their slave-y chain. The good part about this is that they won’t have to cart African workers half way across the world to enslave employ them this time. In our modern world we can now bring the abuse right to their front doors.

Don’t ask how they make the doll heads.

Meanwhile Greece is battling it out with their Euro predators creditors for their very survivial.

The Pope Weighs In

Pope Francis, fresh off his strident support for taking climate change seriously, appealed to world leaders on July 11 to seek a new economic model to help the poor, and to avoid policies that "sacrifice human lives on the altar of money and profit."

He urged politicians and business leaders "not to yield to an economic model which is idolatrous, which needs to sacrifice human lives on the altar of money and profit."

According to the Pontiff, "Putting bread on the table, putting a roof over the heads of one's children, giving them health and an education, these are essential for human dignity," adding, "Corruption is the plague, it's the gangrene of society." I wonder what kind of time he will have when he visits the States this September. Maybe he should read up on America. Not only is “Corruption” our middle name, and giving anything to the poor - especially health care and education - is seen as blasphemy to a large segment of the population and government, but we have more guns than anywhere else in the world and an unknown number of itchy trigger fingers attached to people with neither jobs, common sense or sanity.

Words To (Clearly Not From) The Wise

“There’s nothing wrong in America today that a change in leadership will not make happen.” Rick Perry June 4, 2015

One thing Mr. Perry might not know is that due to term limits there will be a change in leadership no matter what. He might want to get his glasses checked.

I. Mangrey reporting. Pay up.

Scalia Knows Best

Scalia Tortures Court, Constitution and Country

So What Else is New, DC

July 9, 2015

How do we get Antonin Scalia to stop talking?

Before I go any further, let us remember just what kind of person the Reagan-appointed Antonin Scalia is. In 2007 Antonin Scalia waxed apoplectic about a fictional character saving America by torturing people. Real-life experts insist that torture doesn’t work. Why would a Supreme Court justice bother himself with a bunch of facts and cogent arguments when he can just quote fiction as though he was a Fux News talking head. The self-described “originalist” Scalia claims to live by the word of our Founders, which he and apparently he alone knows without question. It is his job to impart unto us the precise meaning intended by each and every word they wrote. Let us not quibble over the fact that even they were not sure of what they were doing and that they clearly intended for the Constitution to evolve along with the great experiment that was the new nation they designed. Most interesting to me is learning just how flexible the Founders’ intentions were when it comes to war, corporations and invasion of privacy. Who the hell wants to form a more perfect Union anyway?

Even the often clueless conservative commentator/columnist George Will had something constructive to add on the Founder’s intent in a recent column: "In 1824, in retirement 37 years after serving as the Constitutional Convention's prime mover, James Madison, 73, noted that the 1787 "language of our Constitution is already undergoing interpretations unknown to its founders." He knew that the purport of the text would evolve "with the changeable meaning of the words composing it." Madison, our fourth president, considered by many to be the "Father of the Constitution," was also the key champion and author of the Bill of Rights. Madison’s political views evolved during his life, as did those of most of his contemporaries. During the drafting and ratification of the constitution, he championed a strong national government. He subsequently came to favor stronger state governments, finally settling between the two extremes late in his life. I know what you’re thinking (even Scalia doesn’t know that). What the hell does Madison know?  He’s been dead for 179 years and never even owned an assault rifle.

Yes, that would be the same Antonin Scalia who flouted the very foundation of democracy by illegally halting the counting of votes in Florida’s 2000 presidential contest and then blithely appointing George W. Bush president despite Bush’s having lost the popular vote and very likely the Electoral College. Scalia had no problem with the fact that there was no precedent for this decision and happily insisted that this unheard-of judgment (more accurately described as a coup d’état) could not be cited in future cases. I believe this was the original WTF moment. Scalia has more recently shown his disdain for voters and his desire for corporate control of our electoral process by siding with his cohorts on the Court who ruled in favor of Citizens United in 2009 and gutted the 1965 Voting Rights Act in 2013.

Scalia Scorches SCOTUS

Scalia is now freaking out about two major decisions he and his eight colleagues decided, with Scalia, his lapdog Clarence Thomas and Samuel Alito on the losing end. Scalia hates the idea of poor Americans getting health insurance with the help of the federal government. Scalia is also mortified by the thought of marriage equality and by all appearances, most civil rights. Obamacare was upheld by a 6-3 vote, a decision Scalia labeled “interpretive jiggery-pokery” and “Pure applesauce.” Strangely, Obamacare still probably helps insurance corporations at least as much as it helps the insured. Marriage equality passed 5-4; Scalia called this decision a “threat to Democracy” and “constitutional revision by an unelected committee of nine.”

Somewhere…the Rainbow

In a striking rebuke from the pot to the kettle, Chief Hypocrite of the Supreme Court Scalia said Justice Anthony Kennedy’s majority opinion was, "couched in a style that is as pretentious as its content is egotistic." It is also rumored that Clarence Thomas had and wrote an opinion. Said Uncle Thomas, “Slaves did not lose their dignity (any more than they lost their humanity) because the government allowed them to be enslaved.” Nope, can’t think of anything more dignified or humanity-affirming than being a slave. Can you? Is Clarence Thomas just another Rachel Dolezal? He looks black, but that’s about it. Dolezal didn’t look, and apparently isn’t nearly as black as she acted - the exact opposite of Uncle Thomas.

Black tie. Very dignified.

The Court Giveth and The Court Sucketh Away

Fortunately, the Court quickly got back on track after briefly erring on the side of people and civil rights instead of their usual - protecting corporations from people like you and me. Scalia will be happy again now that air pollution is safe from the tyrannical EPA  and prisoners can still be killed by eventually-lethal or lethal-ish injection – just like in other paragons of virtue like China, Iran, North Korea and Yemen. Pretty good company, no?

James Madison, though dead since 1836, is still more intellectually honest, reasonable and adaptable than Antonin Scalia. Be careful America, I’m pretty sure Dick Cheney’s old hunting buddy Scalia owns guns - and they’re not all Constitutionally-authorized muskets. If I were Scalia wouldn’t take any more of this pathetic revisionism; I would stand up for my firmly-held, coldhearted, archaic beliefs and resign.

To all those who agree with Scalia on these devastating blows to the United States – providing health care and civil rights to Americans – let me say to you what people like you were so fond of saying to people like me back in the 1960s and 1970s: Love it or Leave it.

I. Mangrey reporting. Yippie!