Debate Prep Poop

Happy Trails To You, Until We Vote Again

University of Colorado Boulder
October 28, 2015

I’m sorry to keep bothering you with all this as you are most likely trying your best to ignore all the pseudo-presidential-primary goings on, seeing as it is more than twelve months before the 2016 election. And you are wise to do so, but just in case you wish to eavesdrop just a bit more I give you this next installment of I. Mangrey @ Politics in anti-anticipation of tonight’s debate.

Don Cry For Me, Are You

Rapidly deflating Republican’t primary contestant and world-class hot air buffoon, Donald Chrump is approaching the Hindenburg phase of his trash-talking campaign. Chrump appears more and more exasperated as he watches arch rival Ben Carson overtake his cartoon campaign with a childlike simplicity and utter lack of awareness usually reserved for your Sarah Palins and Michelle Bachmanns and with all the effervescence excitement of a coma ward.

Chrump’s latest tweet has him (or the recently fired intern who Chrump accused of dissing Iowans in his name via Twitter) predicting “what I am sure will be a very unfair debate!” Apparently Chrump is concerned that other candidates will be permitted to speak.Chrump is hard at work trying to convince actual people that he is just like them. "It has not been easy for me," he said. "I started off in Brooklyn. My father gave me a small loan of a million dollars. I came into Manhattan, and I had to pay him back. And I had to pay him back with interest. But I came into Manhattan. I started buying up properties, and I did great." I assume Mr. Chrump is waxing psychotic about his pre-multiple-bankruptcy phase. Who among us cannot identify with Chrump’s ordeal – a strict father doling out no more than the bare minimum of millions – one. Imagine how you would feel if someone you looked up to had the gall to give you not ten, not three, but one measly little million of dollars.* Thankfully my father never tried to pull such a pathetic stunt with me. And that is the main reason we are still on speaking terms to this day.

NEW From the “mind” of Donald Chrump

If you think America is crippled now, and Chrump does,
just elect Chrump and crippled America will
quickly become the good old days
 

Chrump told an excited sociopathic audience, drooling on his every word, “They now have Super Duper PACs (Political Action Committees) and those PACs control the candidates. Carson is controlled by his PAC. Bush is controlled by his PAC. Rubio is controlled by his PAC. I am not controlled by any PAC. I am controlled only by my PECKER (Pathetically Excessive Creep Kicks Every Rival). And yes it’s a Super PECKER as you might imagine. It’s clearly not my brain doing all this. I do whatever my PECKER tells me to do.

*This, strangely enough, does not include several other millions of dollars Daddy Chrump bestowed upon his Little Donnie. Some of these millions, even strangelier enough, came in the form of an illegal loan. Apparently the fart doesn’t fall far from the tree. None of this actually seems strange once you realize that every word that escapes from Chrump’s front hole is a lie. And he is not really a politician, so there is simply no excuse.

Mental Ben

Since Ben Carson is retired from performing brain surgery (Whew!) and is no longer pointing out more lucrative targets to ill-meaning gunmen in Popeye’s organizations, he seems to have only two speeds – Hitler and Slavery. Just about everything Carson dislikes can somehow be likened to slavery (Obamacare, abortion) or Hitler (sane gun laws, politically correct language in America). "I mean, [our society is] very much like Nazi Germany,” said Carson in 2014. He recently told a New Hampshire crowd, “You know I think back to Nazi Germany — and I know the politically correct police say you are not allowed to say Nazi Germany but I am going to say it anyway because I don’t care what they say,”. "And some people say 'Oh nothing like that could happen in America.' I beg to differ." I don’t know who exactly Carson believes the politically correct police are or just what laws he imagines they have been enforcing, but I don’t know anyone who says you are not allowed to say Nazi Germany. There’s the rub. Ben’s imagination, such as it is, is simply limited to saying things that make him appear to be Hitler...I mean less than intelligent.

Why can’t the good doctor be more like convicted felon and ex-House Majority Leader Tom Delay (is that a great name for a Republican’t congressman or what!?) who merely wants to impeach Obama if he implements an executive order that would compel high-volume gun dealers to perform background checks on buyers. See, is that so difficult? Even the old Hammer didn’t have to bring up Hitler on this one.
 

Ben knows as much about politics, economics, foreign policy, religion, the environment, women’s health, Hitler, slavery, history, government, the Second Amendment, the rest of the Constitution as I know about separating conjoined twins. And I have no doubt he would make as good a president as I would a neurosurgeon. So it is with this in mind that I ask you for your vote, next November. Yes, I am officially announcing my candidacy for America’s most amazing brain surgeon. My Super PAC (Perpetual Aggravation Committee), IMangrey@Politics 2016 will be accepting large donations of any size in the very near future. And not just from my father. Remember, if you are conjoined twins you are not permitted to donate twice as much, at least not until you have been surgically separated.

I. Mangrey reporting. You reader retorting.

One September Eleventh Too Many

Bushghazi

October 24, 2015

I know the old expression. It’s no use beating a dead bush. But a bird in the hand is worth two in the horse. I think George W. Bush said that. You know he at least thought it. Either way, it’s hard to ignore the chance to pile on George’s (not) surprisingly incompetent brother as he staggers toward the 2016 nomination.

The latest Bush called the Benghazi incident, “a stunning example of incompetence.” And he knows a thing or three about incompetence – it’s in his genes after all. September 11, 2012 is a date this Bush wants to etch into America’s memory…in the hope of erasing much of our memory of September 11, 2001. You know, the part where his brother (who by most accounts was considered presidentimmediately before, during and after the 9/11 attack)went a napping, and preferring tax cuts for the rich to protecting America from terror attacks on home soil, wasted no time taking the month of August 2001 off. He had after all, been acting as president for seven months by then.

Trump recently shocked everyone named Bush when he said. “When you talk about George Bush, I mean, say what you want, the World Trade Center came down during his time. He was president, O.K.?” Not sure why this seemed so shocking other than the absolute aversion to anything factual perpetually displayed by Republican’ts. 

J.E.B. providing evidence that he is the smart Bush

Fux News’ Megan Kelly asked J.E.B. whether it’s a double standard to shut down questions about President George W. Bush’s handling of the Sept. 11, 2001 terror attacks while saying Clinton bears responsibility for the 2012 Benghazi attacks that claimed four American lives. “Not at all because if someone had evidence that there was a pending attack, there was – a lot of investigations after 9/11, if there was tangible evidence that there was an attack that was pending and no one acted, of course there would have been criticism, but that’s not the case,” responded Bush. J.E.B. and all Republican’ts prefer to blame Bill Clinton for 9/11 – and anything else that happened before Obama became president. Clinton warned Bush about bin Laden on his way out. Everyone warned Bush once he was appointed president after having lost the 2000 election to Al Gore. Al Queda was coming to America to wreak havoc. Bush went on vacation, getting an early start on his record-breaking down time, and ignored his own intelligence – well not his own intelligence of course, but the intelligence briefings he received from those with actual intelligence.

Trying desperately to rehabilitate his big brother’s legacy, J.E.B. told Kelly, “There’s a saying in Libya; I know it’s in Florida, I think it’s in Libya: Fool me once, shame on…shame on you……fool me, won’t get fooled again.” Clearly choosing his brother’s reputation over his own presidential bid, J.E.B. reportedly had to lay off a bunch of campaign staff. I can hear it now, “You don’t have to let me go sir, I’m happy to quit.”

Ben Crazhi

For many Republican’t voters a man’s Christianity is much more important than his sanity. Take Ben Carson. Please. Carson has repeatedly said that God told him to run for president. God now has him leading Chrump in Iowa presumably because he displays more down-home Christian values.



Iowans particularly like the fact that Uncle Ben claimed Obamacare was the worst thing since slavery. They also agree with Bedtime Ben that Hitler (Ben’s favorite subject) prevailed because he implemented gun control – Just. Like. Obama. Iowa’s likely GOP caucus attendees are impressed that Ben the Bigot doesn’t believe a Muslim should ever be president and they think the fact that he has no foreign policy experience is a good thing. Because who wants a president that understands what goes on in the rest of the world?

Carson demonstrates how he will deal with foreign policy issues

Ben has shifted from presidential campaign to book tour in support of his new book, A More Perfect Union: What We the People Can Do to Reclaim Our Constitutional Liberties, which is purported to be about the Constitution – something Dr. Carson knows a thing or two (but definitely not three) about. He knows there is something called the Constitution and that our founding fathers defeated Hitler. Chrump, for his part, has never claimed to know anything about the Constitution, but he does know that he doesn’t believe polls that don’t say what he wants to hear.

I. Mangrey reporting.

Is That A Gun In Your Hand, Or Are You Just Mad To See Me?

A Bullet Is Worth A Thousand (S)Words (Or Lives)

Never Never Land
October 9, 2015

Since we cannot seem to have a multiple-digit-IQ type dialogue about gun laws, maybe it’s time to change the conversation. I just can’t take any more of the grunting and shooting coming from the Guns Über Alles crowd. Almost 20 years ago Republicants, insisting that gun play had nothing to do with public health, saw to it that government-funded research on gun violence was ended. Now why didn’t I think of that? Don’t you miss the days when Congress was able to get things done?

Republican’t expert witness testifying before Congress (and naptime)

It’s like all that climate change nonsense. Who wants to waste valuable time on something that happens so slowly and is, according to a number of very loud people, actually a hoax? I sure don’t. So what if Exxonknew by the late 1970s that the Earth’s climate was being seriously compromised, and would continue to be compromised, by fossil fuel consumption? Come on, their middle name is fossil fuel consumption - well actually, their middle name is XX, but that’s a little scary and/or vaguely pornographic. Don’t be such a baby. And so what if in the 1980s they analyzed their data and decided their next move was financing an aggressive climate change denial effort? What would you do if you were Exxon? Admit that your entire raison d’être was killing the planet and anyone who happened to be living on it? That’s crazy talk. That’s no way for a responsible corporation-person to behave. Grow up already. Solutions are messy and require inordinate amounts of effort - unless you are investigating something that is actually nothing, like Benghazi. It’s much easier to round up loud stupid people to convince people that if they can’t see it right in front of them it doesn’t exist.

Get A Clue

Clearly America is unready and unwilling to make guns more difficult to obtain – more difficult say than adopting a dog or cat, or becoming a massage therapist or breastfeeding in public. Every day time there is a mass shooting the gun worshippers simply turn the other glock, cry out for more guns and blame everything on the mentally ill. Guns don’t kill people, mentally ill people kill people. Some might say that pretty much anyone who kills someone else, especially for no immediately recognizable reason, is mentally unwell. I am not including in this category the 11 year old who fatally shot his 8 year old neighbor because she wouldn’t let him pet her dog in White Pine, Tennessee this week. He’s just a kid; I’m sure he has excellent role models at home.

And what do you get?

The thing is, most mentally disturbed individuals never kill anyone, whether with a revolver, a dagger, a candlestick, a rope, a lead pipe, a sixteen ton weight or a pointed stick or whatever. So the one thing that remains constant in all gun related murders is...all together now – GUNS. Or maybe you prefer to blame the bullets. Chris Rock talked about making bullets cost $5000 each so people would think twice about using them so frivolously. This of course assumes that there is thought involved. But bullets don’t kill people either, it’s all that senseless bleeding. If people just had the presence of mind not to bleed so much after standing in front of a moving bullet, there wouldn’t be any problem at all. You’re welcome.

Open-carry Jesus

It seems increasingly unavoidable that America will go for anything other than, not just concealed-carry or open-carry, but mandatory-carry. I get the feeling that if anyone tries to take one single gun away from any of these güüns the rest of them will cry “Tyranny” and start shooting up the place. In the New America, anyone who insists on walking around without a firearm will be required by law to be removed from the gene pool. Problem solved.

                          Dr. Ben revving up the crowd at the second debate

And apparently Republican’t candidate and neurologically challenged narcoleptic ex-neurosurgeon, Ben Carson contributed the following to the dialogue while discussing the most recent (as of this moment*) mass shooting, in Oregon, “Not only would I probably not cooperate with him, I would not just stand there and let him shoot me. I would say ‘Hey, guys, everybody attack him! He may shoot me but he can't get us all.’” Then Ben had a good laugh. Yeah, you tell ‘em Ben. You’ve got it all figured out - not like it’s brain surgery or anything. I hope this brain-dead ex-brain surgeon gets a chance to show off his technique soon. Hopefully, he’s not one of those goofy bleeders.

I. Mangrey reporting. Shoot ‘em if you’ve got ‘em.

UPDATE: I spoke too soon. Another shooting in Arizona before I could get this to press.

Bush Craters, Ben Dozes, Bill Kills

A Case of Cheap Campaign

Everywhere and Nowhere
October 3, 2015

Bush Happens: Don’t Forget To Wipe Your Feet

A mass shooting is defined as an incident involving the killing and/or wounding of four or more people. Over the first 274 days of 2015 there were 294 mass shootings in America. This is almost certainly a consequence of the obvious backwards evolution of the human species known as Global Harming or Global Primate Change.

I have hate to keep bringing this up, but J.E.B. The Smart Bush seems bound and determined to eclipse his big brother’s catastrophic battle with words. In response to the daily mass shooting, this time in Oregon, J.E.B. made the mistake of opening his talking hole after Obama reminded everyone that mass shootings were a bad thing and maybe we should do something about it. J.E.B.’s response? “Look, stuff happens. There’s always a crisis. And the impulse is always to do something and it’s not always the right thing to do.” Yeah like opening your mouth. It must be difficult to speak with all those feet in there.

Did I just hear almost everyone say, “9/11 anyone?” J.E.B., I bet that if some of that stuff happened to just one member of your family, you would turn right around and invade (insert name of random country here). And then just to be on the safe side you would cut taxes on the wealthiest Americans. Stuff happens? That’s exactly what then-Secretary of Death and Destruction Donald Rumsfeld said about the chaotic immediate aftermath of his dream-come-true “liberation of Baghdad” in response to stuff happening here on 9/11.

Now I get why you don’t go for all that Black Lives Matter nonsense J.E.B.; not even white lives matter to you. Clearly the only things you value are the last little bit of the Second Amendment and tax cuts for the rich. GFY! To be fair, after this latest mass murder, every single one of your fellow Republican’t candy-dolts came out clearly in favor of more guns. Imagine if after 9/11, the United States went and destabilized the entire region whence the attackers came while simultaneously arming our enemies. Oh wait, that’s exactly what we did thanks to your big brother and Cheney. Never mind.

Bed Carson

Have you ever tried to watch Ben Carson speak? Does he make you sleepy? He can’t even keep his own eyes open when he’s talking. Of course, if you were saying the things he says, I guess your best bet would be to make people think you were talking in your sleep.

 

Only one of these things is not like all the others

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Don’t forget to miss out on the latest in Bill O’Reilly’s inspiring and uplifting “Killing” series – Killing Reagan. This promises to be as enjoyable and worthwhile as having a wart installed.

I. Mangrey reporting. I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me Bernie or give me death!