The Real Beginning



All In For Iowa

February 1, 2016

Some will win. Some will lose. Some will disappear. Drink up.

Ben Croissant: Flaky, completely baked, ready to be toast

Kiss this ass good-bye.

anonymous reporting. Don’t look back.

Deface The Nation

What Hath Fox Wrought?

Des Moines, Iowa
January 28, 2016

This week on Deface The Nation we discuss the national embarrassment that is Donald Chrump and his campaign to bring out the very worst in America. He has recently racked up some impressive endorsements. There’s the runner-up for most attention-hungry – Sara Palin, religious fraud Jerry Falwell, Jr. and a bevy of white supremacists including ex-Ku Klux Klan Grand Dragon David Duke who said, “I don’t agree with everything he says, he speaks a little more, actually he speaks a little more, a lot more radically than I talk. And I think that’s a positive and negative.” Arthur Jones, who ran for Congress in Illinois as a Republican recently endorsed Chrump. In 2012 Jones stated, “The Holocaust is nothing more than an international extortion racket by the Jews.” Great Amerikans and geniuses all.

Sarah Palin sans lipstick doing Hamlet’s soliloquy

The latest fragment of Donald Chrump’s ongoing temper tantrum disguised as a political campaign has him backing out of the latest debate, pretending to show hurt feelings over Megyn Kelly’s “treating him unfairly” during the first debate some months ago, and Roger Ailes publicly disrespecting The Donald. Not even Bill O’Reilly’s pathetic begging changed Chrump’s mind. Chrump held his own event, where he did not have to waste time listening to anyone else and instead was able to talk to himself until he decided to stop.

While it is possible that a) this is in fact an actual campaign and not merely the latest installment in Chrump’s perpetual plea for attention, b) Chrump was treated the least bit unfairly, c) being treated unfairly was anything but par for the course if one is actually running for office, and d) Chrump has feelings for anything other than his over-sized ego, one could be excused for a) constantly considering plucking out one’s eyes and cementing shut one’s ears at the thought of one more moment of exposure to his visage or voice, b) pinching oneself repeatedly hoping to finally awaken from the surreal nightmare or c) planning a one-way trip to anywhere but here.

Nobody tells me what to do. I’m very rich.
I am Chrump, hear me bore.

Chrump claims it’s about Kelly and Ailes but it’s really about his inability to actually debate his rivals. His debate performances have gotten steadily less impressive – by almost any standard other than Chrump’s. As far as he is concerned he is the best, the best. Just ask him. We will just have to wait and see if his latest ploy pays off. Maybe a few of his loyal minions will realize that a man who claims to be unable to cope with a “tough” interviewer from his own team might not be the best choice to lead the free world. What would he have done in the face of the inbred terrorists in Oregon? Or the poisoning of Flint, Michigan’s water supply? Or another world leader disagreeing with him? It might be true, as Chrump said, that he “could stand in the middle of 5^th Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose any voters.” And he clearly believes that this is a good thing. Assuming he believes or even listens to anything that oozes out of the hole beneath his nose.

No tongue my friend. May the best weasel win.

Ted Cruz offered to donate $1.5M to wounded veterans if Chrump would debate him one-on-one after Donald scampered off in fear of Megyn Kelly hurting his wittle feewings. Chrump’s podium was emptier than usual at this, the final debate before the Iowa caucuses.

Chrump, who was joined by heavyweights Huckabee and Santorum – presumably to bask in his orangey glow, claims he will be spending the evening raising money for wounded veterans’ groups. His spokesperson could not name on single group that backs him. In fact Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America pledged to refuse any funds that Trump may try to donate from his Iowa event. The last time Chrump raised money for veterans it was for a group that had zero members, a staff one person and lost its tax exempt status a month later for failing to file tax returns for three years. Jon Soltz, Iraq War veteran and chairman of VoteVets.org said in a statement. “Let me put this in language Donald Trump understands. You're a loser. You're a third-rate politician, who clearly doesn't understand issues, and is so scared of Megyn Kelly exposing it, that you're looking to use veterans to protect you from facing her questions.”

Chrump spokes-whacko Katrina Pierson, sporting bullets not brains

This has gone on much too long. America is in danger of swirling down the drain. I will be interested to see just how many people in this country are serious about putting a hateful and brutish clown in the White House. May God have mercy on our souls.

What the next generation thinks about Chrump

Just for the record…

According to numerous holocaust survivors including Anne Frank’s step-sister Eva Schloss, “If Donald Trump become[s] the next president of the U.S. it would be a complete disaster…I think he is acting like another Hitler by inciting racism.”

I. Mangrey reporting.
                                                                                                    Mad in USA

Who Used To Live In Whitesboro?

BREAKING NEWS!

Whitesboro To Change Racist Town Seal After 'Daily Show' Visit

 

This eye and soul sore will soon be history instead of ignoring it

 

Now if we can just get rid of this abomination:

 

And relegate its namesake to history's footnotes where he belongs.

Oh yeah, and there's still this little thing:

From our nation's capital



Don't miss yesterday's big news below...

Finally!

Chrump and Chrumper

Ames, Iowa
January 20, 2016

We were all beginning to think it couldn’t be done. The pundits were certain that the reality TV pseudo-campaign of current Republican’t affront-runner Donald Chrump would be a wisp of smoke in the prairie fire that is the American Presidential Primary Era. But no, regular people have been quaking in their boots for months now at the thought of having to spend one more single moment seeing or hearing The Chrump. It was starting to look like nothing could stop the runaway train that has become the Chrump campaign. Not the racism, not the misogyny, not the lies, the insults, the utter lack of substance of any kind - other than building a beautiful wall, using nukes more liberally and bombing “the shit out of ISIS (which has already been done)” - not even the fact that he has unnatural designs on his own daughter. Nothing has even minimally impeded this horrifying onslaught of political mayhem.

And then suddenly out of nowhere (literally) a force of nature, an unstoppable wind of change – a frigid blast of hot air from the wilds of Alaska threatens to change the game dramatically like putting lipstick on a Chrump.

Rave and a Haircut

The one, the (thankfully) only Sarah Palin, apparently still permitted to enter the Lower 48, has trickled down from the 49^th state. The Queen of Quits has entered the fray mouth agape, clearly hopped up on goofballs and desperate to imagine that she has any relevance. Mama Grifter shrieked and she squeaked and she blew the house down. She who collects the words for the saying of things and the sharing of the thoughts within herself dwelling and with the random arrays of those words in the absence of punctuation that in her febrile mind are possessed of meaning and also for the reason of showing how powerful and influential she continues to be with her powerful influence for making America great again and knowing better than anyone you bet ya who should be selected to be picked to run for president. But why now? And why not her Tea Party besty, the Manchurian Canadian candidate - Raphael Edward “Ted” Cruz who Palin campaigned for in his 2012 senate run?

Maybe this is why…

Son of Sarah, Track Palin “had committed a domestic violence assault on a female, interfered with her ability to report a crime of domestic violence, and possessed a firearm while intoxicated” just one day before Palin made her great big Chrumpy announcement, one assumes in an effort to overshadow the latest episode of Palins Behaving Badly. And don’t ya know, she blames Obama. Better get it while you can little Sarah. Hey, at least Track didn’t get pregnant like his sister.

Anyway…

With all the gravitas of a wad of cotton candy half-term governor Palin has now put her considerable seriosity behind the equally substantive Chrump. He has already mused that Palin would make a good cabinet member and now she has come around the bend to return the favor. Palin is clearly cabinet material as sure as Chrump is presidential material. She certainly has all the intelligence of well-planed and varnished slab of wood. And Simple Sarah is ready to take charge on day one, “I think a lot about the Department of Energy ‘cause energy is my baby, oil and gas and minerals those things that God has dumped on this part of the Earth for mankind’s use instead of us relyin’ on unfriendly foreign nations...” The good news is that she would quit after a month or so. I wonder if Chrump thinks Sarah is as hot as his daughter.

Enter at your own risk

 

Since Chrump calls John McCain a loser for his 2008 loss to Obama what must, and I mean must, he think of the running mate that all but single-handedly annihilated the McCain campaign? Inquiring minds want to know.

So let us all give thanks to the Half-term Half-wit, brought to you by the Republican’t machine of whom she now says, “The GOP machine, the establishment, they who would assemble the political landscape, they're attacking their own frontrunner." Does she even know how party politics works? Inquiring minds already know the answer to that one. So at long last we have reached the beginning of the end of Chrump’s surreal circus/campaign. Not even the seemingly invincible candidacy of The Apprentice Master can withstand an endorsement from the Alaskan Airhead.

Just ask President John McCain.

The Chroll

I. Mangrey reporting. Do the math.

Does anyone know…

how it is that Wall Street and the world economy go into a tailspin when petroleum becomes more affordable for the average person? Does that say something about the human race? A little help here.



 



 

In Defense of Editors: SOTU 2016

Super-secret First Draft of Obama’s Final State of the Union

USA, USA, USA
January 14, 2016

Barack Obama does much of his own speech writing. He has a team of writers, but he is very active in the process. Thankfully he is willing to listen to others. You will see why after reading his initial draft. He must be feeling extra spunky as he prepares to return to life as a citizen. No more running for office, no more Mitch McConnell, no need to sit down with Bill O'Reilly ever again. No more Ted Cruz, Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter. That has to feel good.

Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of Congress, my fellow Americans. It is an honor ad a privilege to address you here tonight. And to my colleagues across the aisle, just so you know - a one-term presidency is four years and this my eighth. And good luck getting one of your knuckleheads into the Oval Office without a visitor’s pass. I will be a hard act to follow. Once you go Barack you can never go back.

 

Even after eight years - or two terms as we say in the business - it is still amazing to me that I got to where I am. I never dreamed, as a little boy growing up in Kenya, that one day I would be here - delivering my seventh and final State of the Union address. Who would have imagined that a young man - and a black one at that - who smoked his own weight in reefer, could not only stay out of jail, but find his way to the Oval Office without being shot on sight.

Contrary to what some people (who shall remain brainless) running for president would have you believe, America is already great. And what the hell is in that guy’s hairspray? You know who I mean - the guy who’s been telling everyone that the American dream is dead. The only thing that’s dead is whatever that thing on his head. Is that five year old spaghetti in meat sauce or did he buy up all the orange silly string on the planet? And this guy seems to hate everyone who is not him. I’m not saying that Donald Trump is a fascist and an ignorant fraud, but some people are saying that so it makes me wonder.

By every single measure America in 2016 is vastly better than when I took office in 2009. And when I say ‘took’ office, I mean after being elected by the American people, not appointed by the Supreme Court like the last guy, who by the way did such a bang-up job that his own brother’s political career went up in smoke in the bargain. At this point he couldn’t even attract an identity thief let alone a voter. Although truth be told I think little brother seems perfectly capable of obliterating his career without any help whatsoever. He’s very talented that way, and he’s the smart one.

Clearly my good friends across the aisle have a very different perception of the state of the union than I have. That’s understandable. Lookig out at the world from the inside of your intestines probably distorts your view of reality. I pity the fools. I am confident that the American people will eventually help these well-meaning but completely delusional folks to extricate their collective heads from…well you know what I mean. I’ll just leave it there because it would be less than presidential to tell you how I really feel about these fuckwits. And by the way, spell-check did not even flinch at “fuckwits”.

Barack Obama and the ghost of “presidents” past

I think I’ve done a pretty good job considering what I had to start with and who I had to work with. The last guy left one of the biggest most comprehensive messes any nation has seen. I doubt that he could have made things any worse if he tried. And since he sees himself as a great “decider” who made no mistakes while in office, maybe he did precisely what he intended to do. Trillions of dollars of war spending off the books, Gitmo, torturing prisoners, black sites, the demolition of the American housing market and near-death of our auto industry, global financial collapse thanks to Wall Street greed and government collusion (you’ve got to see The Big Short), the massive destabilization of the Middle East, and America’s reputation similar to that of Ebola. And then finally, after all of that you elect our first black president. I’ve had to fight for every inch of progress with the most hateful, uncompromising and do-nothing Congress in this great nation’s history. The stock market is through the roof, there are millions fewer people without health care, there is finally marriage equality in America, prices are way down at the pump – even lower than Newt Gingrich was promising, we’re talking to Cuba, unemployment is way down as is the deficit, bin Laden is dead and so is Fred Thompson…what, too soon? I saved this nation from having Sarah Palin a heartbeat away from the presidency of John McCain, who is technically still alive. You lost John, get over it already. I spared this country from President Romney and vice president (and Ayn Rand devotee) Paul Ryan; sure he’s now Speaker of the House, but I can hardly be blamed for that.

So bring on the November election. Thank Allah for term limits. I’m outta here in a year and eight days. I can’t wait to get back to Kenya. Hey, at least I wasn’t born in Canada.

So Long and Thanks For All The F#[%s

Actual SOTU Wrap-up

Things Republican’ts didn’t applaud for: cutting carbon pollution; affordable college for all, equal rights, equal pay, less gun violence, feeding the poor, closing Guantanamo, ending gerrymandering, getting money out of politics, making voting easier, affordable health care, less war

Things Republican’ts did applaud for: cutting regulations

I. Mangrey reporting. If you can read this you're too darn close.

And now for something completely different…

DUCK!

(insert unnecessary 1000 words here)

2016: Puking Up Where We Left Off

Three Queasy Pieces

There and Here
January 8, 2016

I really hate to bring this up. Nothing would give me more pleasure than leaving this subject to history’s trash bin where it belongs. Our great nation, though built on a foundation of genocide, slavery, racism, misogyny, guns, fear, and guns has worked since its inception on improving much of this. The genocide of the land’s original inhabitants has slowed tremendously and not merely because there are hardly any of them left. Our slave labor system has been thankfully outsourced overseas – with the exception of those poor desperate souls crawling over our border to work for slave wages and inhuman conditions right here in America. Women eventually got the right to vote and make two thirds as much as a man in the same job; someday they might even be allowed to have control over what they do with their own bodies. I know it sounds crazy, but a girl’s gotta dream. Many of us are still running around like scared little mice – afraid of gays, Muslims, black people, brown people, shadows, science and compromise. We might be scared little mice, but at least we’re armed to the teeth. And we are willing to shoot before asking any questions even if it’s our own toddler wandering around the house too late at night. Oops! Stuff happens. But now a man has emerged from our television sets and sewage systems to put a halt to all this so called socio-economic progress, spreading his signature brand Hair-and-Mouth disease like some type of mental leprosy.

The hair, the mouth, the hot air

The Art of The Drool

People and pundits continue to say that Chrump is so popular because he says things no one else will say. There are very good reasons why no one else will say these things, 1) they tend to be ignorant and hateful, 2) they show without fail that the candidate has no concept of governance, democracy or any of the day’s important issues and 3) almost every cubic inch of hot air escaping from his mouth that is not simply an insult is a bald-faced lie. Apparently we need more of this in our political discourse.

Mr. Popularity had his goons demand a loyalty oath before allowing the hoi polloi into his recent pep rally in Vermont. Democracy! Countless infidels slipped through Chrump’s Wall of Purity and made their presence known while the candidate was off-gassing. In banishing the heretics out into the bitter cold Vermont evening, Chrump instructed his thugs to “confiscate (i.e. steal) their coat”. The media just can’t look away. They love shiny things, celebrities and tragedy – all great for ratings. Facts and useful information be damned.

Chrump made his 2008 presidential bid solely on a “Barack Obama was not born in America and I have proof” platform. His campaign was exceedingly and mercifully brief. Though the Mythically Coiffed One to this day has shown absolutely zero evidence to prove his claim. He now says “I don’t talk about that anymore,” while adding that he may write a “very successful” book about it in the future. Chrump’s new target for his birther attacks is rival Republican’t Ted Cruz, who was in actual fact born in Canada and only renounced his Canadian citizenship in 2014. Unfortunately Cruz is as much a US citizen as Obama or Chrump.

In other news…

Freedumb Fighters

A bunch of extremely white guys calling themselves Citizens for Constitutional Freedom, patriot defenders of a constitution that exists only in their own fevered brains (and possibly Antonin Scalia’s), remain holed up (except when they go into town to get a bite to eat) in a federally-owned wildlife sanctuary headquarters in Oregon. One of the group’s leaders, son of renowned patriot/buffoon/deadbeat Cliven Bundy compared his completely unhinged and unregulated militia to Rosa Parks, though most historians insist that Rosa Parks was neither armed, white nor morbidly ignorant. Bundy’s ragtag file of whiners decided to stand up for people who have since loudly proclaimed that the Bundy spawn do not speak for them and should pack up their weapons, their supply of Twinkies and Coors Lite designed to support their valiant siege, and go away. These brave patriots from La La Land insist they will not leave until they aren’t there anymore. Did I mention that these guys are white? One of these brave radical Mormon anti-government terrorists, Lavoy Fincum is “shown” below:

LaVoy Finicum, strangely enough on his rocker with a shotgun across his lap

News From Earth

California is farting up a storm. Literally. For almost three months natural gas has been billowing invisibly, but far from inconsequentially from a well in the San Fernando Valley region of Los Angeles. Governor Jerry Brown has finally declared a state of emergency. According to CBS News, only 2,200 families have been relocated. Only 2,200 families? Over 6,500 families have applied for help. I don’t know why there’s so much complaining. The hazardous leak is a full mile away from residential areas. The hole is belching out the equivalent of 7,000,000 cars every day. By the way, it is anything but odorless. Nobody knows what caused the rupture. Oh well. Unfortunately this environmental disaster is problematic for any of you who happen to live on the planet known as Earth.

Southern California Gas Company, the “responsible” party is installing large mesh screens around the leak site to try and hinder the oily mist from spraying down on the community. Whew, what a relief. I guess paper towels don’t work on methane. After only two and half months, the company is poised to leap into action sometime next week – to burn off some of the methane. According to SoCal Gas who clearly has no reason to mislead the public, any meaningful repair is at least two to three months off. Let me know how that works out.

Mmmmmmm, water

I won’t even get into the year-long poisoning of the water supply in Flint, Michigan thanks to Republican’t governor Rick Snyder who replaced the duly elected local government with his hand-picked minions who in turn decided to find a cheaper albeit browner and more lead-filled source of water for the good people of Flint. Governor Snyder has made no move to help the people of Flint obtain potable water now that they cannot use their water for anything people tend to use water for.

 

 Michael Moore: “I welcome all to look at the appalling facts of this case, which have been reported brilliantly here, here, and especially here by the great Rachel Maddow. Thank you, Rachel, for caring so deeply when the rest of the national television media didn't.”

I. Mangrey reporting. Untarped since 1955.

                                                                                                         Mad in USA