“I’ve
got the whole world in my normal-sized hands. Literally. Believe me.”
I am not going to wait until the last minute. There’s a
saying in Pennsylvania…I know it’s in Texas, I think it’s in Pennsylvania. Fool
me once…shame on…shame on me. Fool me…can’t get fooled again. I believed Ralph
Nader when he said there was no difference between George W. Bush and Al Gore
in 2000. So I stayed home that November day only to awaken some four weeks
later to find that the Supreme Court had brushed aside the will of the unwashed
electorate. Scalia and company could not sit idly by and let all those inconvenient
votes be counted. Scalia had a MISSION to ACCOMPLISH. The Court went ahead and
appointed the man who would become: The. Worst. President*. Ever…so far. We can
do much better worse.
Those days are gone (though not calamitous hangover) and America sits on the precipice
of actually electing a man who is perhaps even more of a clueless huckster than
the one the Supremes installed. In the same way that much of the United Kingdom
(well, not that much really, but just enough) voted to leave the European
Union, so might many Americans vote to leave Chrumpworld should the
tiny-appendaged hair weave substrate prevail this November and take possession
of the White House, the United States military, including nuclear weapons
(which he appears happy to put to good use), the Supreme Court, our nation’s
economy and reputation. While is seems he will hand over all of the work to his
Veep, there is no doubt that he will have final say and nothing he disagrees
with will go anywhere, no matter what actual-president (and homophobic, misogynist
religious fanatic) Mike Pence has decided. That’s right folks. Start making
your Chrexit plans now before we are all forced into mandatory
spray-tan/comb-around detention camps.
“I
can’t believe all you idiots are actually going to vote for me. Is this a great country or what?”
Chrump is so stunningly horrific he makes Hillary Clinton look
like Bernie Sanders. Hillary Clinton, whatever else she may be, and she may be
many things you would rather she not be, she is qualified. She is a very
capable individual in many ways. And one of the things she is capable of is
losing the 2016 election to a burnt umbrage/orange-Crayola-colored
excuse-for-a-man who calls himself Donald Chrump (though his real family name
is Drumpf). Literally. He often refers to himself as though he was talking
about someone else. Who could blame him?
Chrexit
while you can!
*Every other president was elected in one way or another. By
hook or by crook. In this case the Supreme Court broke precedent, the law and
wind with a ruling the Court then specifically declared was not to be used as
precedent. I wonder why. Just kidding.
Just in case you needed another reason to think less than
well of Mr. Chrump, here he is preparing to…um…introduce his daughter at the
RNC…
Chrump
in mid-GrOPe of daughter Ivanka. Please don’t try this at home.
I wonder if this makes Melania jealous.
Okay, so I was right. We had heard that team Chrump was
looking for a VP
who was “an experienced person who can do the part of the job he doesn’t want
to do.” I imagined this meant basically all the stuff that actual presidents
do. It turns out the hair might be real but everything underneath it is
completely fake. Chrump thinks being presidential is nothing more than a facial
expression. As we all know by now he has the best facial expressions.
I assume he considers most of them very presidential.
Now we have learned that Donny Jr. has been calling around
asking if anyone wants to be the actual president once daddy dearest Chrumps
the White House. Unsurprisingly Mr. Chrump has no interest in doing any
presidenting. He just wants to make America Chrump greatly.
Reliable sources and the New York Times (not the usual
voices I hear when I’m in my happy place) say that Crump Jr. contacted team
Kasich to make the governor an unprecedented offer: How would Kasich like to be
the most powerful vice president ever? When asked what that might mean (after
all we already lived through the Cheney/Bush years) Kasich’s adviser was told
that the VP would be in charge of domestic and foreign policy. He was then
informed that Chrump would be in charge of “making America great again.” One
assumes this would free Donald up for playing with our nuclear arsenal, waterboarding
people who annoy him, attacking the liberal media and tweeting 24/7. Oh and
obviously P*&%!@#*t Chrump would take the lead on all matters of Outer
Space. This will likely consume much of Chrump’s time as countless refugees
flee the planet immediately after a Chrump victory, which will be known as The
Great Chrexit. (More on this next time.)
Chrexit: The ultimate in reality TV
Chrump tweeted a denial of any such contact. So you know it
really happened.
Editor’s Note:
As a yuuuuuuuge favor to myself and the staff here at Paying
Attention, and especially to you the reader, I have decided not to cover the
Republican’t National Convention. I am working hard to avoid as much of this
debacle as possible. We did stumble across one candid shot of popular
conservative talker Laura Ingraham finishing her screech:
Not Photoshopped. Just sickening.
And one from outside during convention downtime…
I. Mangrey reporting. We report, you try to keep your lunch down.
Okay so I was wrong. Sort of.
I was sure Chrump was going to be his own running mate. After all, he consults himself on all the pressing issues
confronting a presidential candidate, like when to tweet insults, how insulting
to be, which racist garbage to re-tweet, which childish nicknames to hurl and
when to act presidential for 30 seconds. As he told us, “I have a very good
brain. I’ve said lots of things.” I’m sure he really wanted to run unfettered
and unopposed. But he now has a partner in slime. It is Mike Pence, who was
poised to lose a re-election bid for governor of Indiana. The Republican’t
machine in Indiana was desperately trying to figure out what to do with Pence
who they were certain was going to lose if he ran. So at least someone stands
to benefit from Pence becoming the next Sarah Palin.
Chrumppence. Cute as a butthole.
You will not believe this but
Donny Chrump was lying when he said he was postponing his VP announcement
because of the tragedy in Nice. We know he was lying for two reasons: 1) He
went ahead and made the announcement at the exact time he originally said he
was going to, and 2) His face-sphincter was moving. The real reason he wanted
to hold off on making the announcement was:
Mr. Chrump has chosen the
running mate his children told him to choose. Sure the guy disagrees with
Chrump on many issues, but at least he hates the gays (he thinks they all need
conversion therapy to become un-gayed) and that is an important ingredient for
keeping the Christian base, who should be appalled by Chrump’s many marriages,
his long and storied lack of contact with the Church, his foul mouth and his
proud abuse of those less fortunate.
During the first Chrumppence interview with 60 Minutes,
Chrump – who found it very difficult to let his better half (now there’s a low bar) speak without
interrupting – interrupted Leslie Stahl’s final question. The question began,
“You’re not known to be a humble man, but I wonder…” Mr. Humility barged right in with, “I think I am actually humble. I think I’m much more
humble than you would understand.” That’s right folks; mere mortals simply
cannot fathom the staggeringly awesome humility of Donald J. Chrump. He not
only has the best words, but he has the best thoughts and is simply the King of
Humility. That I can tell you. Deal with it losers.
Speaking of
Losers
Chrump had what he calls a co-author (what anyone possessing even
a peripheral notion of the truth would call a ghost-writer) for his famousThe
Art of the Deal. Second only to the Bible on Chrump’s
greatest-books-of-all-time list, it is in any event one of the things
that put Chrump on the celebrity map.
Tony Schwartz – the man who says he actually wrote the book –
is now finding it difficult to live with himself for making Chrump appear
admirable. He told Mayer, “I put lipstick on a pig. I feel a deep sense of
remorse that I contributed to presenting Trump in a way that brought him wider
attention and made him more appealing than he is," adding, “I genuinely
believe that if Trump wins and gets the nuclear codes there is an excellent possibility
it will lead to the end of civilization.” Schwartz said if he was writing the
book today it would have a different flavor and a slightly different title:
“The Sociopath.” This from a man whospent 18
months with Trump – according to Mayer, “camping out in his office, joining him
on his helicopter, tagging along at meetings, and spending weekends with him at
his Manhattan apartment and his Florida estate.” Livin’ la vida loco. Granted,
this could have caused Schwartz permanent psychological and emotional damage,
but I still find his perspective credible.
Separately, SchwartztoldGood Morning America on
Monday, “You know, it’s a terrifying thing. I haven’t slept a night through
since Donald Trump announced for president because I believe he is so insecure,
so easily provoked and not – not particularly – nearly as smart as people might
imagine he is.” Wow, if Chrump is not as smart as I imagine he is…imagine that.
I. Mangrey reporting.
UPDATE: July 19, 2016, 1:00 PM
Donald Chrump has the best words (He clearly
does not, but that’s what he told us.); maybe that's why Melania “borrowed” hers from
Michelle Obama.
“There are two man-made things that are visible from 50 miles up.
One of course is the Great Wall of China and the other...Donald Trump’s hair.”
– Joke performed by David Letterman in 2005, written by Johnny Carson
Feel Independent While You Can
July 4, 2016
First he went after the Mexicans and many spoke out even though they
were not Mexican. Then he went after women and many spoke out even though they
were not women. Then he went after the handicapped and many spoke out even
though they were not handicapped. Then he went after the Muslims and many spoke
out even though they were not Muslim. Now he’s going after the Jews…what the
hell took him so long?
Recently seen and more recently deleted tweet from Herr Chrumpler
Donald Chrump continues his Give
America the Finger tour. Although he remains very busy retweeting white
supremacist garbage, he is also in the process of finding a running mate. Thus
far he had his hair set on being his own running mate to cut down on expenses
and wasteful conversations with people who are not him. Word on the street is
that he is looking at Chris Christie, Mike Pence and the ever pompous, thrice
married (cheating on one wife while claiming Bill Clinton had no moral
character during the Lewinsky affair), left-in-disgrace-because-of-ethics-violations
ex-Speaker of the House Newton Leroy Gingrich.
Disgraced
ex-House Speaker, failed presidential candidate and
failed repeat adulterer Newt Gingrich out for a stroll
I. Mangrey reporting. Paying attention so you don’t have to.
Clearly the asshole doesn’t fall
far from the tree. I guarantee.
Mr. Chrump’s Neighborhood
July 3, 2016
Will Kaufman recently discovered never before published
lyrics by Guthrie including some referring to Fred Chrump, Donald’s daddy. In
December 1950, Woody Guthrie signed a lease at the Beach Haven apartment
complex, landlorded over by the elder Chrump. According to Kaufman Woody was
soon “lamenting the bigotry that pervaded his new, lily-white neighborhood,”
the way Woody did:
I suppose
Old Man Trump knows
Just how much
Racial Hate he stirred up
In the bloodpot of human hearts
When he drawed
That color line
Here at his
Eighteen hundred family project
American patriot Woody Guthrie
(According to the Village Voice, Fred Trump's
organization was sued by the the U.S. Justice Department's Civil Rights
Division in 1973.)
Talk
Is Cheap
Chrump’s spokes-idiots are unable to speak for him or about any of
his policies. I imagine trying to describe what Chrump is thinking or planning
at any given moment is like trying to hold the wind, or more accurately freshly
broken wind. Any time one of his greasy grifters is asked if their boss
believes such-and-such or thinks this-or-that the response is, “I can’t speak
for Mr. Chrump. You’ll have to ask him that yourself.”
“Donald J. Chrump is calling for a complete shutdown on Muslims
entering the United States until our country’s representatives can figure out
what the hell is going on.” This we are told means that Chrump is not calling
for a complete shutdown on Muslims entering the country, the problem is the
media and the public misinterpreting his words.
We just learned that Chrump is a recently born again Christian.
Claims are being made that he did “accept a relationship with Christ.” Jesus
could not be reached for comment as to whether or not he would accept a
relationship with The Don. Given that Jesus was a known socialist, what with
his palling around with prostitutes, lepers, the meek and the poor, chasing the
money lenders from the temple and all that – not to mention all those nice
Jewish boys with whom he was so “close”, there is a certain degree of surprise
that Chrump would want to be in a committed relationship with a guy like that,
but hey it is an election year. So in some way it makes perfect sense; he told
us in February – “Nobody reads the Bible more than me.” I’m sure he will make
an excellent Christian as soon as he stops fantasizing about having incest with
his daughter and stops divorcing everyone he marries. After all, he is a man of
his word…well, maybe not his word,
but he is a man of somebody’s word. If Chrump is a good Christian, then I am
the walrus. Goo goo gajoob. And nobody reads Atlas Shrugged more than me.
I. Mangrey reporting.
Who is Who? More Importantly, Why?
At The Circus
July 2, 2016
Hillary Clinton changed
a number of positions faster than you can say Mitt Romney. She parroted
everything Bernie Sanders said on the campaign trail as though she believed
just about everything he did. She assumed positions she had never taken before
on a host of issues. Hillary must have been doing a lot of political yoga
before she started campaigning. She knew she was in a fight she never expected
to be in and she knew that Bernie was killin’ it. So she tried to out-Bernie
Bernie. Time will tell if she is Bernie enough to win the White House in
November.
Now the shoe is on the
other fool. But there is a twist. Chrump, rather than parroting Hillary’s
position on the issues, has turned the whole thing upside down. In his fevered
conspiracy-theory driven delirium, Chrump is accusing Hillary of essentially
being him. The “most corrupt person ever to run for president”. Check. A “world
class liar”. Check. Failed at everything she has done. Check. He said ISIS
dreams of Hillary becoming president. Check. And just to put the assing on the
cake he called Elizabeth Warrena fraud and a racist (immediately after once again tarring her
with the racist epithet "Pocahontas"). He just can’t help himself…or us.
Confronted with the fact that Hillary called him the king of
debt Chrump quickly shot back, “No, I called myself the King of Debt. I’m the
King of Debt. I’m great with debt. Nobody knows debt better than me. I made a
fortune using debt.”* He may or may not have added, “Hillary is the king of
losing. Nobody loses more than her. She is the king. I promise you. Nobody goes
bankrupt more than Corrupt Hillary. Nobody rips off more contractors, customers
or investors. She’s just the worst. I can tell you. Believe me. And her hands
are so small. She has very small hands. She is the worst of the worst. I am the
best you will ever see. Vote Chrump or we all die. It’s not me saying that.
Many people are telling me this. Many people. I would never say that.”
He did say of Hillary Clinton (in between spewing
long-ago-debunked conspiracy theories): “I will never say this…but she screams
it drives me crazy. I didn’t say it. I can’t listen.”* Really? He can’t listen
because of her screaming? If only
there was some kind of technology, some way for Donald to hear his own voice,
like some kind of mirror for sounds. He clearly has not figured out how to use
the mirror that works for seeing; what else could explain his hair? If Chrump
could somehow listen to his own voice he might come to realize that his voice
makes Hillary sound like Ella Fitzgerald.
*
Real-actual-not-made-up quotes
I Will Never Say This…
It would be exceedingly rude
to call Chrump a lying sack of shit. That is why I will do no such thing.
Frankly I am apalled that so many thousands of people all over the world are
calling him a lying sack of shit. Perhaps they have exhaustive and incontrovertible
proof of him lying over and over and over about just about every subject under
the sun. I still don’t think that makes it right to call Donald J. Chrump a
lying sack of shit. How anyone would be so cruel, however honest, about a “tiny fingered, Cheeto-faced,ferret wearingshitgibbon” is beyond me.
I. Mangrey reporting. Paying attention so you don’t have to.
Campaign Cock Tool
July 1, 2016
He Has the Best
Endorsers
People Chrump says are 100% with him include a number of
notables, many of whom are apparently unaware that they support him any%. Of
course we already know (because he keeps telling us so that we will think it’s
really true) that the blacks love him. And nobody is better with women than
Chrump (he told us that too, though most women seem completely unaware of how much
they love him). Also the Muslims and Hispanics are going to vote for him in
yuuuuuuuge numbers (at the self-loathers will). But what about specific people?
Some names that stand out are boxing promoter Don King who seems to have said
he supports Chrump and then not, Steelers quarterback and occasional rape
suspect Ben Roethlisbeger – also unaware that he supports Chrump 100. Add to
these the burgeoning laundry list of Republican’t governors, senators and
congress-people hoping to keep their jobs and now treating Chrump as a
political leper. Many people are saying that Chrump will announce other
high-profile 100% endorsements next week including Bruce Springsteen, Tommy
Smothers, Benjamin Franklin, Noam Chomsky, Antonin Scalia, Vladimir Putin, Kim
Jong Un, Barack Obama and Bernie Sanders. They all love him. Don’t you? And Chrump just tweeted that Helen
Keller told him personally that she supports him. What? Too soon?
Chrump’s campaign manager and defender of despots the world
over Paul Manafort told Chuck Todd on Meet the Press, “The good thing is, we have a
candidate who doesn’t need to figure out what’s going on in order to say what
he wants to do.” The first true words to come out of the Chrump campaign –
true…but stupid. This candidate had no idea what Brexit was until a day or two
before the referendum even though he was planning to be in Scotland (to hawk
the grand re-opening of his golf
course, because that’s what presidents do) the morning after the vote. Oh, and
even though he claims to be running for president. Once he heard about it he
thought it was a great idea, and after the pound took an historic nosedive
said, “I don’t think it will affect me personally that much.” Whew. While in
Scotland Sir Donald of Orange crowed about what a great thing Brexit was.
Scotland voted to remain in the EU 63% to 37%. You Brexit, you bought it.
Scotland responds to Chrump’s take on Brexit
International
Man of Misery
Some of Chrump’s most ardent supporters seem to be supporters of
ISIS. According to a counterterrorism analyst, “It’s clear they find his
comments, they find his demeanor, they find his approach, in some way serving
the goals of ISIS…” His hatred and bigotry fuel theirs quite nicely. Heck of a
job Chrumpy. Not to be swayed by, or in any way familiar with the facts Chrump
said of ISIS, "They want her to get in so badly. They have dreams at
night, and their dreams are that Hillary Clinton becomes president of our
country." I got nothin’.
Look up there, on the bench. It’s a mute. It’s a shame. It’s
Uncle Thomas. Quieter than Marcel Marceau. Fewer words than Harpo Marx. More
ignorant than a Tea Party congressman. Able to ignore critical legal arguments sans
a single sound.
Affirmative Asshole
Clarence Thomas benefited enormously from the kind of
affirmative-action programs he now so vigorously opposes. Thomas received a
scholarship set aside for racial minorities as an undergraduate at Holy Cross
College. He was admitted to Yale Law School in 1971 as part of an aggressive
(and successful) affirmative-action program implemented to achieve a 10 percent
minority enrollment. Yale offered him generous financial aid. But that was
then.Between then and now Thomas got
two jobs with in the Reagan White House specifically because he opposed the
civil-rights movement, as did the great St. Ronnie. Now that racism is over,
who needs civil rights? Or action, or anything affirmative? Thomas is just a
great all-around guy who loves porn and harasses women. That stuff never gets
old.
Reluctant law-porn star - Short
Tongue Silver
Hello Dummy
Short Tongue Silver, the least-heard-from justice in the
history of the highest court in the land. Thomas kept his trap shut for 10
years up until February of this year.
Now that Scalia the ventriloquist is gone Thomas the Dummy is left to offend for himself and has managed
to utter some choice words of his own. Less than two weeks after Scalia left
the bench the Mute One opened his own mouth and spoke for himself and his old
boss. And what burning issue caused this self-imagined jurist purist to break
his vow of silence? Protecting minorities from hate crimes and prejudice?
Protecting women from gender discrimination? Protecting average Americans from
greedy bankers and Wall Street thieves? ‘Fraid not.
Clarence Thomas finally disengaged his mute button over the
last phrase of the cynically hallowed, deliberately misinterpreted Second
Amendment. More specifically, he broke his vow of silence because he thought it
was a terrible idea that domestic abusers should not be permitted to keep or
bear arms. Militia? No man is an island, but every man is his own militia. Well
regulated? Don’t waste my time with regulations.
Thomas fancies himself a protector of the original intent of
the Constitution – that would be the same Constitution written by slave owners
who considered his ancestors to be 3/5 of a person, and etched that sentiment in
parchment. And that was the good part. It would have been a huge improvement
had slaves actually been treated like 3/5 of a person. Thomas is not even 2/5
of an originalist.
The White to Bear
Arms
Speaking of infringing on Americans’ rights to bear arms,
let us not forget that in 1967 St. Ronnie Reagan – in cahoots with the NRA – imposed
draconian gun restrictions via the Mulford Act in California when the Black
Panthers decided to exercise the same Constitutional rights enjoyed by white
people while patrolling the streets to keep their neighborhoods safe from
police. Can you believe that back in the 20th century black people in
America had to fear for their lives…from the police? Thank God those days are
over.
Black Panthers exercising
their God-given right to bear arms in 1967.
California Republicans eagerly supported increased gun
control once the Panthers began their own open carry movement. Governor Reagan
told reporters that he saw “no reason why on the street today a citizen should
be carrying loaded weapons.” He called guns a “ridiculous way to solve problems
that have to be solved among people of good will.” Reagan also said he didn’t
“know of any sportsman who leaves his home with a gun to go out into the field
to hunt or for target shooting who carries that gun loaded.” The Mulford Act,
he said, “would work no hardship on the honest citizen.” Guess Uncle Thomas
doesn’t think his old boss Reagan was much of an originalist.
I. Mangrey reporting. Stop or I’ll shoot you a glance. Mad in USA
