The Hundred Days War

The 45th and Final President

The Hundredth Day
April 29, 2017

During a Reuters interview on day 98 Der Furor whined, “I loved my previous life. I had so many things going. This is more work than in my previous life. I thought it would be easier.” ‘Thought’ is such an overused term. While discussing Chinese President Xi Jinping, The Orange Gas Cloud paused to hand out Electoral maps of the United States with areas he won marked in red saying, “Here, you can take that, that's the final map of the numbers. It’s pretty good, right? The red is obviously us.” And by “us”, of course, he means him. The only significant thing Chrump did during his first 100 days was get elected…and that happened 2½ months before the 100 days began. You know it is the only thing he is proud of because he still talks about it everywhere he goes.

Not only did Chrump blather on endlessly during the campaign-he-keeps-reminding-everybody-that-he-won about how America-great-again-making his first 100 days in office would be, he put it in writing on his website – a 100 day action plan/Contract With America. Remember America? It does sound vaguely familiar. I’ll have to get back to you on that. At any rate, like so many of Chrump’s contracts, this one is not worth the electrons it was written on. 

Don’t bother reading the words, they are just there for show.

 

Chrump has amassed 34 “Day One” promises that he broke after being sworn into office. He did manage to pass some critically important legislation. Almost immediately after taking office he made sure that mentally ill people like himself would never be denied access to firearms. He just became the first president since Reagan to address the NRA's annual meeting. Chrump also made it possible for mentally ill people and other assorted assholes (like his sons) to shoot pregnant, hibernating bears. I cannot think of one country – friend and foe alike – with the possible exception of Russia and the Philippines, who is not scared, ill at ease, and/or angered by the Chrump regime. I sincerely hope this is as great as America gets. For now, let us review some of Hair Chrump’s other stellar accomplishments in his first 100 days…

Flynn Stoned, Bull Sessions and Neiling Down

Chrump fired for lying, after only 24 days, one of the highest ranking appointments – one immune from Senate interference confirmation – the National Security Advisor, conspiracy theory merchant and Cro-Magnon man, Michael Flynn, who is now under intense scrutiny for treasonish behavior involving palling around with Russians...for money and who-knows-what-else. Chrump naturally blames Obama because Chrump either did not bother vetting, or did not care, or was perhaps thrilled that Flynn was also working for the Russians and Turkey. Obama fired Flynn years ago essentially for being impossible to work with and perhaps just a tad insane.

He appointed throwback bigot Jefferson Beauregard Sessions, who lied during his confirmation hearing to become Attorney General. Of the United States. Of America. Now. Sessions’ Turn Ons: white people, white supremacy, the Confederacy, guns. Turn Offs: African Americans, African Americans voting, non-white immigrants, cogent thought.

Chrump nominated, and the Senate blew up the rules to confirm, the wonderful Antonin Gorsuch – or whatever his name is, to fill the stolen seat for which Merrick Garland was nominated and then summarily stonewalled by Senate Republican'ts. Gorsuch heard his first case and cast his first deciding vote. The decision ended up allowing the execution of a very possibly innocent man by the state of Arkansas. The ACLU was pushing for a DNA test shortly before Arkansas’ rush to murder (they managed to kill three more in rapid succession) before the drugs they came by illegally, which have rapidly approaching use-by dates and are set to expire. This would presumably nix the illegal state-sponsored killings. I suppose it is bad etiquette to execute someone with expired drugs. Maybe someone in Arkansas has some guns they could use to penalize somebody to death.

WTFF

The Best Deals in Town

Chrump started a trade war with a dangerous nemesis – Canada. Though he did also do a patented Chrump U-turn on killing NAFTA. Chrump in October, 2016: “By the way, NAFTA is the worst trade deal ever made in the history, not of this country, but of the world.” Chrump a few days ago: “I was going to terminate NAFTA as of two or three days from now…* but then someone very smart [the President of Mexico and Canada’s Prime Minister] told me what NAFTA is and now I will reconsider. It’s kind of like what happened with that NATO thing a few weeks ago. I said it was obsolete and a terrible, terrible disaster and then someone [NATO Secretary General] told me what it actually was and it sounded kind of okay. We might raise their rent there in New York – I own a lot of real estate in New York by the way – so we’ll see. Plus, Jared said we should keep it and so did Ivanka. So there you go. I won the Electoral College, which everyone said it couldn’t be done. Probably the popular vote too. I guess we’ll never know for sure.” WARNING: actual quote coming… “…the first time I was ever asked about NATO, because I wasn’t in government. People don’t go around asking about NATO if I’m building a building in Manhattan, right? So they asked me…about NATO, and I said…NATO’s obsolete – not knowing much about NATO…” or clearly anything else.

Would You Believe…?

The Maxwell Smart of presidents is at it again. Candidate Chrump told everyone that on day one, “I will direct my Secretary of the Treasury to label China a currency manipulator. China is a currency manipulator.” Would you believe…After meeting with China’s President Xi, Chrump once again changed his tune faster than a juke box; “They’re not currency manipulators,” he said. I guess he did not know much about China. Who knew?

In a rare occurrence, Chrump convened all 100 Senators – one for each of Chrump’s first 100 days – drive in a bus to an un-secure location in the White House to hear what was sold as classified, highly sensitive information regarding North Korea. But mostly just to show who is in charge and because Chrump needed something to pad his very, very terrible 100-day resume. At least one Senator described the briefing as nothing he had not heard on CNN. The room had to be fitted with a cover to ensure that no unauthorized video emerged - like the cone of silence - only dumber.

Just days later, and still under the 100-day wire, Chrump, in an unpresidented move, told Reuters, “There is a chance that we could end up having a major, major conflict with North Korea. Absolutely. We’d love to solve things diplomatically but it’s very difficult.” Clearly, anything beyond applying spray-tan and hairspray is above Don’s pay grade and qualifies as very difficult. What the heck, starting an illegal, unnecessary war got George W a second term, it must be worth a shot. I am certain that Chrump will be very disappointed that his war with North Korea could not start during his first 100 days. He will keep trying even if he cannot get it going until day 101.

 

Chrump's work on the environment during his first 100 days has been beyond description. He just signed an executive order opening up previously protected areas to fossil fuel exploration/extraction. He is poised to sign another that directs the fox in the Interior Department hen house Ryan Zinke to “review” the status of all public lands designated as national monuments after 1996, and put them on the chopping block for drilling, mining and logging. Chrump will be the first president to threaten to retract any national monument designation under the Antiquities Act. Think ISIS destroying ancient statues and artifacts…on steroids.

Chrump’s impact on the Earth will never be forgotten. 

 

Never have (slightly altered) words uttered by George W. Bush been more apt – “The question is: Is our children presidents learning?”

100 days ago

Something you kind of assumed without realizing it: Chrump has a red button on his desk that he pushes to have a butler bring him a Coke. Not kidding. It’s good to be the king.

I. Mangrey reporting. Is America great or what?

Gall in The Family

More Fun Than a Barrel Full of Chrumpies

Chrumpworld
April 26, 2017

Ivanka has now been let loose upon the world stage, not as a vapid fashion designer or daddy’s little girl(friend), but as an un-vetted, untrained, un-competent representative of the Chrumpy States of Amerika. First stop – Germany, where whatever-the-hell-she-is joined a Women’s Forum panel. There was audible groaning, hissing and booing during a discussion on paid leave when Ivanka offered up this delusional gem, “He's been a tremendous champion of supporting families and enabling them to thrive."

Next came this from the panel’s moderator, “Some attitudes towards women that your father has publicly displayed in former times might leave one questioning whether he is such an empower-er for women. How do you relate to that? Are things changing? What’s your comment on that?” Daddy’s little enabler replied, “I’ve certainly heard the criticism from the media, and, that’s been perpetuated…” The media? Does that mean you never heard him say, “If she wasn’t my daughter perhaps I’d be dating her,” while you were sitting right next to him? Does that mean you didn’t see the video that featured his voice talking about how he gets away with grabbing women “by the pussy”? Did you miss all that? Damned media.

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!

When asked by an interviewer about her role as “accomplice” to her father, Ivanka responded, “Well, I don’t like the intonation of that, which, you know, assumes that, I think, you know, I don’t like the word accomplice, because, you know, in this context, I don’t know that that’s productive.” She also said that her father “curates ideas and he likes to hear from people with divergent viewpoints,” adding, “That’s not always true in politics. That’s actually seldom true.” Seldom true? Really? You know, like, I mean, you know, like how the fuck do you, like, you know, know about was is and is not seldom, like, true in, like, politics. Just because your father, who loves you, you know, like, way too much, and not in the way a father is supposed to love a daughter, suddenly ends up in the White House (two, three, some people are saying sometimes even four days a week), and you somehow got a job working for him, like a week ago, how do you even begin to act like you have the slightest clue? Did you see it on Fux News? Or did you pull it out of your dear father’s ass while he was grabbing yours? Inquiring minds want to know. I do not.

“You’re lucky we’re on TV right now.”

Is there nothing we can do to change the channel on this surreality show? I wish Don and Ivanka would just ride off into the sunset and get a room already. They deserve each other, so why can’t people like Jared just get out of the way?

And who will stand up for poor little Ivanka (Spoiler alert: It will not be me.) now that it has been revealed that her clothing line is made by $1/hr Chinese laborers working where, “inspectors with the Fair Labor Association...found two dozen violations of international labor standards during a two-day tour of the factory in October.” At least she is not having American workers treated like slaves. I wonder how things are holding up in the Chinese sweat shops where Daddy Don has all of his things made. I can hear the excuses, "We can't continue to allow China to rape our country, and that's what they're doing.* This is about me and Ivanka showing China who’s boss. We’ll show them who’s raping who. Right Ivanka?"

I. Mangrey reporting. Are you moaning with me or at me?                                                      

*actual quote, May 1, 2016

The President and The Peabrain

I’ve a Feeling We’re Not in Kansas Anymore

Somewhere under the ground under the rainbow
April 24, 2017

Thirty-five psychiatrists met at Yale’s School of Medicine last Thursday to talk about Donald Trump’s mental health, which they warned was frighteningly unstable. I’m not sure how they could determine such a thing. Maybe they heard or saw him on the television machine for more than five seconds. According to one of the doctors, “We have an ethical responsibility to warn the public about Donald Trump’s dangerous mental illness.” Another explained, “I’ve worked with murderers and rapists, I can recognize dangerousness from a mile away. You don’t have to be an expert on dangerousness or spend fifty years studying it like I have in order to know how dangerous this man is.” It is not every day that you hear a trained mental health professional discuss the mental capacities of a sitting president in relation to the behaviors of murderers and rapists, especially a president who burnished his reputation by calling Mexicans murderers and rapists, but in this case it is a welcome change of pace.

It is not known if the psychiatrists were aware of the fact that Chrump had Angela Merkel explain to him eleven (11) times that Germany could not engage in unilateral trade deals with the US. The German chancellor. After the meeting Merkel reportedly told her cabinet that Trump had "very basic misunderstandings" on the "fundamentals" of both the EU and how trade works overseas altogether.” Although the entire world saw Chrump’s deer-in-the-headlights expression and the strained look on Merkel’s face during most of her time with El Presidon’te, Chrump now says, “Yeah, it's funny: One of the best chemistries I had was with Merkel.” Apparently they are on a last name basis.

Two peas in a pickle.

Is It Really 100 Days? It Seems Like Only Decades.

Now we have the good fortune to find ourselves at the 100-day mark in the Chrump alt-presidency. I say good fortune only in that psycho-boy has not yet engaged anyone in a thermonuclear war, and in that he has accomplished so little of his take-no-prisoners-kill-anything-that-moves agenda. Unlike the vast majority of Americans, The Orange Gas Cloud is very impressed with the job he has done thus far. He learned that providing health care is complicated – which everyone else on the planet has known for ever, that North Korea was part of China – it never was, that nuclear weapons are dangerous and should not be used to clear land to build golf courses and that he should leave everything requiring even a modicum of thought or knowledge up to his barely-post-pubescent son-in-law – who, though only slightly less clueless and incompetent, is now for all intents and purposes, our president. Chrump himself is occupied with more important matters: changing his tune on every single issue he ran on, scaring the crap out of the entire world, and making everyone think he is doing something presidential.

“I have reached the very important, very meaningless (unintelligible) hundred-day milestone faster than any other president in history. It took Roosevelt almost two years to get his hundred days (unintelligible), probably because he was in a wheel chair. I like presidents that weren’t in wheel chairs. I am much faster and (unintelligible). I am getting so much (unintelligible) done, and not just all the golfing – I have never golfed so much in my life – it is making my (unintelligible) head spin. It’s either that or the Propecia poisoning. I know many of you are already very, very tired of all the (unintelligible) winning, so I am planning do dial it down a little out of my great respect for (unintelligible).”*

 

“Many people are obsessed with my first hundred days. No other president has been held to such a ridiculous standard. If you want to get technical, since I only do the president thing two, three days a week max, I’ve really only had about 25 days so far. And most of the stuff presidents do has been handed off to Jared, so in real reality I have only been at this for maybe ten days. Come back to me in a year or two after I have really, really been president for 100 days. Until then I want the dishonest media to back off and show some respect.”

*A recent interview with the Associated Press. The AP transcript features (besides the general rambling idiocy) 15 incidents where “(unintelligible)” replaces an actual word or words, which were apparently unintelligible to the interviewer and whoever transcribed the interview. To be fair, even when the words are recognizable, the meaning is (unintelligible).

The worst part of this is, I’m working much harder paying attention to this lunatic than he is at pretending to be president.

I. Mangrey reporting. I work hard for the (no) money.

"Happy" Earth Day!

We Are The Egg Men

Earth First!
April 22, 2017

The Chrumpocene

The geologic time scale is broken up into ages, eras, periods and such. From the Cenozoic up through the Precambrian age. The most recent 11,700 year epoch has been dubbed the Holocene. The most recent period, comprising more significant human impacts on the global environment is known as the Anthropocene. Future paleontologists (probably some form of human-cockroach hybrid) will one day find a very thin layer consisting of the time between mid-2015 and the end of what will be known as the Chrumpian sub-Epoch. These scientists will discover a peculiar, very thin layer that will distinguish itself from the older layers by the unmistakable presence of a degree of stupidity (and some kind of strange orange pigment) previously unseen. They will be able to discern this layer with shock and awe as they realize that the level of ignorance and destruction was completely avoidable. Turns out, there is an app (an equation actually) for that.

The Anthropocene Equation is a formula created by Will Steffen, a climate research professor at the Australian National University, and Owen Gaffney, a science journalist and communications consultant at the sustainability research firm Future Earth. Their formula, recently published in The Anthropocene Review, shows that human activity is altering the environment 170 times faster than under normal circumstances.

Chrumpty Dumpty

 

I got this Earth thing under control.

Chrumpty Dumpty shat on Earth
Chrumpty Dumpty did it with mirth

All the king’s assholes and all the king’s clowns
Can’t stop Chrumpty from burning it down

The Koch Brothers are celebrating fossil fuels today. Isn’t that special.

I. Mangrey reporting. No Compromise in defense of Mother Earth.                                                 

Not A Chance

Being There Now

Nowhere in particular
April 20, 2017

The main character in Jerzy Kosisnky’s 1970 novel Being There was named Chance. Chance was a gardener. He grew up and then remained in the household of a wealthy man, never exposed to the outside world with the exception of the substantial amount of time he spent watching television. Chance was evicted after his benefactor died. All he knew of life came from watching TV. Sound familiar?

Peter Sellers masterfully portrayed Chance in the 1979 movie. Everyone who meets him, including the president, interprets Chance’s gardening-based utterances as profound philosophical life lessons. The movie ends with high-level movers and shakers deciding that Chance is the only man they could back as the next president, convinced that his lack of personal history, his down-home “wisdom” and lack of political experience would be tremendous assets for getting him into the White House. Sound familiar?

The main difference of course between Chance the person we are all thinking of, is that Chance was a pure innocent. There was no pretense to him. He was what he claimed to be – a gardener. He did not know how to read. When asked what he read, he would answer honestly as always, “I like to watch TV.” People read into that what they chose to. Chance understood nothing of the world he lived in. And Chance had absolutely no interest in being famous, unlike his real-life doppelganger, who wants attention, fame and adoration above all else…with the possible exception of the ability to maintain a candy-corn-colored hair-like substance atop his empty cranium.

Being Chrump

Chance’s evil twin – No-Chance – demonstrates a complete absence of innocence. He is 100% artifice. From his fake wealth, to his fake words, to his fake hair and hue. Like Chance though, he knows only what he gathers from television. He has no idea how any of it applies to real life. He has no interest in real life. He has never had to. He never had a real job, grew up in the house of a wealthy man – except while sequestered at a military academy, due to his utter lack of ability to have non-sociopathic interactions with other humans. He was a bad seed, now grown into a diseased plant, sowing its seeds to the four winds with wreck-ful abandon.

In response to a question from a German reporter about his statement that Obama hired British intelligence to tapp (sic) his wires, Chrump lied, “We said nothing. All we did was quote a certain very talented legal mind, who was the one responsible for saying that on television. I didn’t make an opinion on it.” Very presidential. First, you cannot quote someone without saying something. Second, Sean Spitball repeated the unfounded BS (I believe that is an opinion, particularly since it was untrue.), and third, the very talented legal mind at (SURPRISE!) Fux News was making shit up. A colleague at Fux News had to disavow the very talented legal mind, who was temporarily taken off the air and put into a witless protection program. He has since returned to his job, refusing to admit he was either lying or stupid.

It really is time that everyone ridicule everything this so-called alt-president says. Every. Single. Word.

Anyway, the picture below was meant to be worth a thousand words. Apparently, it was only worth about 480.

I. Mangrey reporting. Don’t make me come over there.



Bye, Bye Bully

Journalism Is Not Dead, But Bill O’Reilly’s Career Is

The No No Spin Zone
April 19, 2017

As you probably know, Don Chrump came the defense of one Bill O’Lielly after his repeated sexual harassment escapades came into view once again. Chrump said, ”I think he’s a good person. I think he may – you know I think he shouldn’t have settled. Personally, I think he shouldn’t have settled. Because you should have taken it all the way. No, I know Bill. Bills a good person…I don’t think Bill would do anything wrong.” This of course begs the question: Does he think Bill would not do anything wrong because he is a good person (which seems extremely unlikely) or because (as we know for a fact) Chrump does not believe that sexual harassment is wrong?

We now know that Chrump’s sexually assaultive buddy’s sudden/long-planned vacation will be lasting quite a bit longer than he was expecting. He will no longer be defiling the airwaves over at FUX News. The newsmusement veteran and star of then not-yet-Senator Al Franken’s 2003 bestseller LIES And the Lying Liars Who Tell Them has sexually harassed his last FUX News employee – at least as a FUX employee himself. Even having the Pussy-grabber-in-chief publicly and unbelievably standing up for him could not save O’Lielly’s job.

 

Murdoch did not seem to mind all the accusations, allegations and reparations – at least $15M paid in hush money and written off as income to the payees. Fair, balanced and criminal. The only person who settles out of court more than Big Bad Bill is good old Chrump himself. Please do not mistake this long overdue dismissal for Rupert Murdoch doing the right thing – that is as unlikely as Don Chrump making a good deal. This is all about the dollars. The network finally realized that Bill is harassing their bottom line. That, and perhaps the fact that his key demographic is between 85 and hospice. Now we shall see if they get the message that things need to change at FUX before sponsors start abandoning the entire network. I think Rupert should stand his ground. As for Chrump and O'Lielly, both continue to deny any wrongdoing. Also, I am likely to become the next Pope.

Not that I paid much attention, but good-bye to bad rubbish.

As for Bill, he will have to find another way to meet and abuse women. I wish him hell.

I. Mangrey reporting. And laughing long and loud.

Name That Tune

All The President's Hands

The White House

April 17, 2017

One of them is the president.

This morning Alt-president Chrump decided to briefly leave Mor-on-Lago to spend a few days at the White House, or as he calls it – The Chrump Shack. Looking completely out of place, he stood idly by as the first strains of the National Anthem rang out. Many patriotic Americans, particularly presidents, place their right hand over their heart when the anthem is played. Donald “America First” Chrump does not appear to be particularly patriotic (or president for that matter). Was he wondering how his “hair” was holding up while being out of doors? Was he dreaming about sending Sean Spicer to a Holocaust Center? Was he too pleased with the military bombing overshadowing his presidential bombing to hear the anthem? Does he even know where his heart is? Was he wishing he could have his own anthem? Was he too distracted by keeping himself from grabbing the pussy of the woman singing right next to him? Was he reliving his Electoral College victory…again? Was he imagining a way of putting Hillary Clinton in prison…again? Was he afraid that his lapel pin would make his tiny hands look even smaller? Is he more than just tone-deaf? Was he really born in America? He’s so vain; I bet he thinks the song is about him.

Why does Don Chrump hate America?

Just for the record, Chrump’s pre-teen son and his wife (who has only been a US citizen since 2006) know enough to place their hands over their hearts as the National Anthem begins, but the “president” stands there with a stupid grin on his face, only joining in the custom after his wife – born in Slovenia – nudges him. At least he did not put his hand on Melania’s heart. Many people are saying that Chrump only responds to the Russian anthem. No one has determined exactly what the Easter Bunny is doing there behind the woman singing the anthem. If Chrump was not standing right there, many people would be wondering if he was the one in the bunny suit.

I. Mangrey reporting.

Alt-president Chrump’s Easter Message

Huevos Rauncheros

Mor-on-Lago
April 16, 2017

“Hello my fallow Americans. North Korean president Kim Kardashian launched a pathetic little missile that almost landed in his lap. Sad. Nobody knows more about pathetic missiles landing in his lap than Donald Chrump, that I can tell you. I guess Kim had to do something to show his strength after my generals bombed the shit out of ISIS with the motherfucker of all bombs. I think that’s what they called it. I don’t bother keeping up with that stuff, especially when I’m preparing for the most important day in Christianness – Easter – the day when baby Jesus ate his first egg, which he found hidden in a pile of green straw. And as you all know, while he was eating his egg, he was visited by an angel-rabbit. In honor of this very special day, I will be golfing with God. My military will do what needs to be done. They are the best chocolate cake you have ever seen.

Chrump hard at work searching for his balls

Also, that huge bomb killed all 36 members of ISIS, so like I said during the campaign – which I won very impressively – defeating ISIS was very easy. And I was the one who was golfing or tweeting or watching FUX and Friends – I’m not sure what time they did it – when ISIS was finally defeated once and for all. Donald Chrump has made MISSION ACCOMPLISHED great again.

Those horrible criminals who were protesting to see my tax returns should be crucified if you ask me. I will be directing my chief racist, Jeff Sessions to investigate and jail all of these fake Americans who think they run this country. They are not president, I am. And there will be no more of this socialist protesting against me. I won, I am winning and I will not put up with losers who think American citizens have any say in what the government is doing. Not on my watch.

As soon as I finish golfing I will have my people prepare for the Easter Eggroll. The best eggrolls ever are made at Mor-on-Lago with only the freshest bacteria, which are kept in the best antique refrigerators anywhere. I’m looking forward to having many, many Easter Eggrolls. I love mixing the mustard with the dog sauce. Most important, I want to say that I will be going to church on this sacred day to thank God for creating the Electoral College, which I once said was a total disaster, but now I am happy that it made me president. So, Happy Easter to all my supporters. Notice I didn’t say ‘Happy Holiday’. That’s for losers. God bless the United States and God bless Donald Chrump.”

Happy Holidays from Paying Attention

The Dangerous Kitchen

You Can Have His Cake and Eat It Too…But I Wouldn’t Recommend It

April 15, 2017

“The most beautiful (not Photoshopped) piece of chocolate cake
that you’ve ever seen,” according to Chrump

The chocolate cake served at Chrump’s rat-infested resort while Chrump informed China’s President Xi Jinping he had just ordered the military to drop “59 cruise missiles on Iraq”. That is not a typo. That is exactly what Hair Chrump told a reporter two days later. She had to ask if he meant Syria and he apparently did. Just days before Chrump dragged Japan’s PM Abe to his Florida love nest, inspectors found 13 health code violations (a record for an institution that charges $200,000 in initiation fees) at the Mor-on-Lago’s kitchen. Three of the violations were deemed “high priority,” meaning that there is a risk of serving food that could cause illness. Chrump responded, “The crooked inspectors were hired by Obama to make me look bad. Did any of you know that you have to refrigerate fish and meat? Nobody knows this. Turns out it can keep people from getting very sick. I will have to think about that very, very carefully. As it stands, we have the best e-coli of, I would say, anyone. And the most of any over-priced club in America, that I can tell you. Did you know that it used to cost only $100,000 to join before I was elected? Since my victory was so huge, many, many people demanded that the fee be doubled. It wasn’t my idea. I would never cash in on being president. Everybody knows that.”

I. Mangrey reporting.                                                    

20/20 Blindsight

The Happiest War Criminal(s)
Part 2: Not Dicking Around

Later this same day
April 14, 2017              

                                            

In our 2007 semi-fictitious biography of #43, Son of a Bunch: Grand W. Bunch – The Life of a Man, the Death of a Nation, we describe the soon-to-be-second-worst president ever: 

He was the best of presidents; he was the worst of presidents. Not really…he was, in fact very simply and without exception, the WORST of presidents. The absolute, far-and-away, undisputed WORST FUCKING PRESIDENT in the history of the United States. This is not one of them ex-ag-ger-a-tions nor is it an opinion. It is historical fact…by any measure you care to use. And there is an abundance, actually an overabundance, of proof. Videotape, audiotape. Digital proof, analogue proof. Verifiable quotes, still photographs. Mental scars, emotional scars, physical scars. There is no missing the significance unless you were one of the faithful. Even then, chances are good that the part of the personal subconscious entwined with the collective unconscious felt the stinging pain that began at the moment he seized power and ended, with any luck at the time of their own physical demise. In addition, it turns out that almost every single presidential historian concurs: Grand W. Bunch will go down as the worst of the worst. To be sure there have been some doozies since the birth of this nation and perhaps even one or two almost everyone agrees were really good ones. But, according to those whose business it is to study and know about these things, none of the first forty-two presidents of the United States, individually or as a group, did as much damage to as many facets of the social and political fabric, not to mention the emotional well-being and long-term health of our nation and planet, in as short a period of time and left in his wake more enduring and painful consequences than did America’s 43rd president. In fact, the experts are convinced that it would take a concerted effort with malice of forethought to surpass the Herculean ineptitude displayed by president #43. And all he ever asked from us was that he not be “misunderestimated.” That, and an almost fanatical devotion to his woe begotten agenda. 

Silver-tongued doofus 

 

a quick note: This is the best book ever written about George W. Bush, semi-fictitious or otherwise. Nobody knows more about old #43 than the folks here at Paying Attention. Nobody. Believe me. It has the best words. And, the; best punctuation! Grammer and speling not even being something that is being mentioned. But also the best.

One of these is a cardboard cut-out

As I started writing this piece, the object of the title was singular. I had intended to focus (not my forte) on just one war criminal’s legacy: George W. Bush’s illegal invasion of Iraq, his condoning and carrying out of torture, extraordinary rendition and the like. All things Chrump aspires to. Then along came the House Intelligence Committee (the oxy-est of morons) and the testimony of election thief James Comey, and his attempt at salvaging his career and reputation after his leading role in causing the election of Don Chrump. Comey came out of his corner swinging for the fences and doubling down on my mixed metaphor, got a huge first down. After attempting the impossible – disabusing the man who looks out upon the world and sees only his own reflection (which he still imagines to be a dashing 35 year old poised to date his own daughter) of his pathetic delusion of being under surveillance by his predecessor – Comey went on to divulge what he should have revealed some eight months earlier, thus saving the entire world from what continues to look like total annihilation. He testified that, “the FBI, as part of our counterintelligence mission, is investigating the Russian government's efforts to interfere in the 2016 presidential election. That includes investigating the nature of any links between individuals associated with the Trump campaign and the Russian government, and whether there was any coordination between the campaign and Russia's efforts.” Full fucking stop. The FAKE PRESIDENT is not liking this REAL NEWS. Chrump now says he might dump Comey since he was “very, very good to Hillary Clinton.” All the hearing hoopla caused me and many, many people to harken back to another great trial in American presidential history. 

According to author and presidential historian Douglas Brinkley, “There’s a smell of treason in the air. Imagine if J. Edgar Hoover or any other FBI director would have testified against a sitting president? It would have been a mind-boggling event.” Brinkley added, “This is the most failed first 100 days of any president. To be as low as he is in the polls, in the 30s, while the FBI director is on television saying they launched an investigation into your ties with Russia, I don’t know how it can get much worse.” I hope Mr. Brinkley is very, very wrong about his last point. Big league. I would not underestimate Don’s potential to persuade people to find him despicable.

This brings me back to my eleventh-hour pluralization. One must assume that another great Republican war criminal must be heaving a posthumous sigh of relief at having someone make him look a little less loserly in perspective. Brinkley posited “a smell of treason in the air” and when I smell treason, I think Richard Nixon. Sure, Nixon ran on ending the Vietnam War, which he had no intention of doing, and then bombed Cambodia, but that was during his second term. Chrump will surely do much worse, given the time. At least with Nixon’s downfall, we saw Democrats and Republicans stand up for the Constitution and the nation.

Ah, the good old days

Today’s Republican’ts care nothing for either. Nothing. They only care about tax cuts for the richest 1%. Period. One can only hope they pay the price and learn the lessons punching them in the face, after one of the most shameful chapters in their party’s and their nation’s history. As the Nixonesque saying, once Chrump is complete exposed, excoriated and excised, will soon go, “If this president did it, then it must have been illegal.”

I. Mangrey reporting. Fast and furious…mostly furious.

WARNING: Part 1 below

20/20 Blindsight

The Happiest War Criminal(s)
Part 1: Bush Whacked

Right here, right now
April 14, 2017

After leaving the dais following Chrump's inauguration, George W. Bush reportedly said, “That was some weird shit”, according to three unnamed sources who claim to have heard the statement. Bush says he cannot remember if he said that or not.

George W. Bush is now out humping his new book, the title of which I am too disinterested and nauseated to bother looking up. Talk show hosts everywhere are treating the unelected president who shamelessly sold and illegally carried out the worst foreign policy disaster in American history, and oversaw war crimes, like a long lost uncle.

Sometimes you can judge a book by its cover
If it walks like a dunce and it talks like dunce...

What, you might ask, is all this fuss about? The book features Bush’s paintings of soldiers wounded thanks to his illegal, stupid, disastrous war in Iraq. I can barely draw a stick-figure, so I have to give old President Moron kudos for his artistic ability. Who would have imagined that a man-child who can barely manage his native tongue, trashed the economy, ruined our foreign relations, caused chaos throughout the Middle East and almost killed himself eating a pretzel, had talent of an artistic nature? As Chuck Berry once said, ““C'est la vie”, say the old folks, it goes to show you never can tell.”

If only Bush could have taken up painting a decade earlier, instead of running for president to show up his father. At least he stopped painting himself bathing and showering. I’m not sure I would have gone with portraits-of-people-I-caused-to-be-dead as my next subject matter, but hey, I don’t even know enough to lead an illegal invasion of a sovereign nation whose brutal dictator we had previously propped up for decades, in order to create new still-life models. I assume that is one reason I was never appointed president by the Supreme Court.

Right back at ya big guy

This lucky idiot was born on third base and had no idea what third base was. My one tiny little pleasure, having watched this buffoon do his dirty work and lived to tell about it, was knowing that he would go down as arguably the worst president in American history. Much too little, much too late, but a flicker of justice nonetheless. What really galls me now is that Bush held this honor for exactly eight years. Not decades or a century. Eight measly fucking years. That is how long it took for the torturous (literally), criminal and all around horrific Bush/Cheney administration to go from worst to footnote.

Bush exhibiting America’s greatness in China

In a way I feel a little sorry for the poor fucker. The only thing he was really good at was being terrible. He was a terrible student, a failed oilman, a disastrous governor and an even worse president. To be fair, he was also apparently pretty good at getting drunk, smoking pot and snorting cocaine…and going AWOL. He was also awesome at executing people – Bush, as governor of Texas, held the record until the bigger idiot, his successor, Rick Perry outdone him. But, Bush was the best at being the worst. And now, along comes a leaky bag of artificially colored pond scum, and POOF, Bush’s would-be-historically-bad reputation gets eclipsed in a dog-year. With any luck, Chrump will be ridden out of town on a rail before he can approach the level of damage inflicted on America by Bush II, and George can maintain his historically low standing. And we can maintain our ability to live and fight another day.

I. Mangrey reporting. Stay stoned for Part 2: Not Dicking Around

Wag the Chrump

Wag the Dick

Right behind you
April 11, 2017

Does anyone else find it sad that presidents who are floundering or failing or under investigation for conspiring with one of our oldest and most despised enemies – to rig an election the candidate in question assured us was rigged, for many months – suddenly gets a pass because he ordered a bombing? Americans love to see their presidents wave their peckers around. Nothing says success like gratuitous man wagging. It is even more effective when his tiny hands make everything else look so much bigger. It really is way past time for a vagina to run the White House. Not someone who just grabs them because he is famous. Please?

George W. Bush was mostly on vacation, clearing brush, and/or ignoring Presidential Daily Briefings during his first 100 days in office – after losing the popular vote and winning the Electoral College (Sound familiar?) only after the Supreme Court stopped Florida’s recount. Then the horrific attack on 9/11 happened, and something that any president with a beating heart would have done catapulted Bush from hapless do-nothing to instant president/hero. He stood on the pile of rubble at Ground Zero and aimed his megaphone at the attackers and their fellow travelers. What followed is beyond the scope of the present discussion. Suffice it to say that going on the attack made Bush seem very different than what we had experienced up until that point.

WTD

The movie 1997Wag the Dog portrays a president in need of something to change the narrative of his presidency. I do not remember exactly what issue the fictitious movie president was trying to circumvent. I doubt his situation was as bad as say, leading an administration riddled with ineptitude, racism and innumerable ties with a foreign entity – a decades-long enemy foreign power – the latter being the focus of a massive, multi-branch investigation. Like our fictitious reality TV president.

Our current “president”, when he is not golfing, tweeting, desperately trying to ban Muslims from entering our country, watching Fox and Friends, defending fellow sexual assaulter Bill O’Lielly, lying about just about everything under the Sun, attacking the press, the intelligence community (he thinks it just means they are a bunch of really smart people, which frightens him) or wandering around the White House (when he is not in Florida) in his bathrobe– who also lost the popular vote – spends most of his time bragging about his implausible Electoral College victory and accusing his predecessor of wiretapping him. Oh, and did I mention lying? I did not and no one can prove otherwise.

What about Syria?

 

One of the movie’s characters warned, “We can’t have a war,” but was assured by another, “We're not gonna have a war, we're gonna have the appearance of a war.” Kind of like Chrump does not really have hair, he has the appearance of hair. Barely. Nobody really knows what we are doing in Syria at this point, other than distracting everyone from the disaster that is the Chrump administration.

Chrump claimed he was deeply touched by seeing refugee children murdered by Assad’s chemical weapons (something that has happened many times, but never seemed to bother The Don before), This time he decided his best move was to be outraged saying, “No child of God should ever suffer such horror.” Many previous critics were in turn touched by Chrump’s seeming emotional response, and impressed by his decisive, presidentialesque action in “retaliation”. I have seen no reason to believe a single word uttered by this ne’er-do-well.

I did not, apparently with good reason, believe Chrump when he said – over a year ago – that he had a plan to eliminate ISIS “very quickly”, or when he said that he would release his tax returns at “the appropriate time”. I will forego the dirty-laundry list of other such examples. I did however believe him when he talked about how he enjoyed forcing himself physically on women because he could not help himself.

Chrump was against bombing Syria before he was for
it, before he was against it again and then for it again.

 

While claiming he is someone who cares deeply about the children, Chrump is cavalierly and ignominiously signing death warrants on thousands of refugee children and others by banning them from our country, while simultaneously shaming other countries for taking them in as well. Chrump is also more than willing to put countless American children and others at risk of a much slower death thanks to the elimination of programs and services critical to keeping them healthy and/or alive. Disingenuousnous thy name is Chrump. Chrump does not need weapons of mass destruction. He is more comfortable using legislation of mass destruction.

Wag the Dumb

The idiot president’s idiot spokesmoron gave us one of his best lines ever. In trying to explain/rationalize/defend/obfuscate the Assad chemical weapon deployment/Chrump absurd response scenario, Melissa McCarthy stand-in Spicerack decided not to bother engaging his brain before spouting, “You had a – someone as despicable as Hitler, who didn't even sink to using chemical weapons." He tried to explain what he meant. It did not go well. Apparently the Spiceman thinks using planes to deliver chemical weapons is worse than doing it via gas chambers. Who knew? Generous sort that I am, I assume his brain was in the shop for repairs. The Anne Frank Center for Mutual Respect called for Spicerack to be fired "at once". Works for me.

I. Mangrey reporting.