Chrump Says Many Things Written By Someone Else’s Very Good Brain

The Morning After the STFU SOTU

Home Alone
January 31, 2018

You may find this hard to believe, but I spent most of last night very carefully not watching the latest episode of As The Stomach Turns, starring the reality-president Donald Chrump. Last night’s installment, entitled Hate Of The Union, though dwarfed in the ratings by Jimmy Kimmel’s interview with then-not-yet-president Chrump’s $130K-hushed sleepover buddy Stormy Daniels, was watched live by dozens of people with nothing better to do and/or non-functioning remote controls.

I had something better to do last night. I was busy staring intently at my living room wall. Not the one with all the artwork on it, but the empty one with nothing but an off-white coat or two of paint. And no, I was not watching the paint dry. It dried long ago. It just seemed that this would be a much more productive use of my time at that moment.

The Orange Gas Cloud no doubt had his meds adjusted to the appropriate level that allowed him to spend a few precious moments neither tweeting, waving his pecker while screaming at his staff, stuffing cheeseburgers into his face-sphincter, paying off porn stars, or insulting anyone and everyone. I’m sure he spent those few minutes standing in front of both Houses of Congress – sans those who decided they too would make better use of their time, Supreme Court Justices – minus Ruth Bader Ginsburg, who apparently had a “scheduling conflict”, assorted guests and possibly even Melania Chrump, who was unable to be called away on urgent business at the last moment, due to her contractual obligations with her “husband”.

I have it on good authority that Der Furor spent a good deal of time taking credit for the Obama economy that he inherited and the sky-rocketing Stock Market Obama left him (which by the way had its worst day in quite some time, losing 362 points on the day of Chrump’s SOTU), and threatening North Korea, Iran, some number of shithole countries. He no doubt pretended to be a uniter and not a hateful, racist, woman-hating conman. I guess you can teach an old pig new tricks.

Chrump did not mention the fact that he just blew off sanctions on Russia, his affair and subsequent hush money with a porn star, his unrelenting campaign of obstruction of justice, or what he will be wearing to his impeachment. He failed to mention that FEMA had suddenly stopped supplying emergency food and water to Puerto Rico today. I’m not sure why he left out all of this juicy material, but surely it will come out in due time. Chrump somehow managed to avoid any shout-outs to Nazis or the KKK. Bravo, Mr. Chrump.

Hopefully, you too managed to avoid subjecting yourself to the so-called-presidential stylings of Commander-in-chief #45. I admit that I did watch the lead-up and saw footage of quite a few people lining the route of Der Furor’s motorcade, holding signs and giving #45 two alternative thumbs up as the phalanx of vehicles made its way to Capitol Hill.

I did not make it down to DC for the big night, but I would be remiss
if I did not give Chrump two alternative thumbs up on his big night

 

I. Mangrey repulsed.

The Straights of The Union, Cont'd

2018 State of The Shithole, Part 2

Capitol Hill
January 29, 2018

They said it couldn’t be done. They said even louder, it shouldn’t be done. But, the boys we got downtown are working hard and doing swell, so we did it anyway. With only 24 hours to spare, we finally managed to get our hands on the rest of Chrump’s State of The Union address. Sorry, but it had to be done. 

“Despite the excellent job I’m doing, the ongoing American carnage continues. There are still people in this country who did not vote for Chrump and these are very bad people. Most of them are either here illegally or dead. And even though millions of dead people voted – and they all voted for Crooked Hillary – I won the election. With no collusion. No collusion. Not any collusion. Not like Hillary and all those dead people.

We still have to deal with Little Rocket Man. He is very unstable and no genius. No genius. Believe me. Take it from a very stable genius that Little Rocket Man is just a baby and not a serious leader like Donald Chrump. I could kick his ass. I am 6’3” even though my lying driver’s license says I’m 6’2”. All those Big Macs and Diet Cokes make me taller…and thinner. That’s why I’m in such good shape. The best shape.

I inherited a shithole of a country from Barack Obama. He ruined everything. He had it so easy when he took office. And he wasn’t even born in America. My approval rating is a huge 39 percent. This is the best approval rating ever, by a mile. No one can believe that I am the most popular president, probably the most popular person of all time. I’m starting to think that I will be re-elected very soon. Very soon. It’s incredible people. My ratings are huge, the media needs me to survive and I am the only one who can make America great again. George W. Bush had a 34 percent approval rating around the world. Obama’s was even worse at 48 percent. I’m proud to say that mine is all the way down to 30 percent – and that’s just in one year. I got booed in Davos last week by people from all over the world. This is proof that my America first idea, which I came up with by the way, very impressively, is really working.

Ninety percent of Americans believe DACA should be left alone, that these dangerous people should be allowed to stay in America. SAD. All I know, and I know everything I need to know, is that just because they were born in America doesn’t make them American. I know more about immigration than anyone. The problem is, and everyone knows this, DACA was Obama’s idea and since now I’m the president, his things are over and I get to do all my ideas now. Just imagine all the winning still to come.

 

Finally, I need to talk to you about the two-ton Russian in the room. All this talk about Russia is the fakest news ever. Worse than the global warming hoax. Worse than Obama’s fake birth certificate. I talk to myself about this all the time and I’m convinced that Mueller is a Chinese spy. Just look at the guy. Totally Chinese. I never even heard of Russia before I got elected. The fake FBI is full of horrible people, almost as bad as the horrible, fake media. They are not protecting my good name at all. And I have the best name. I very wisely ordered my lawyer to fire Mueller, but he threatened to walk, so for his sake, I backed off. I would never fire anyone personally because I’m so incredibly brave. And very tough. Believe me.

There are many other things going on that I am doing the most tremendous work on. So many things, let me tell you. You don’t need to know about all this very complicated stuff. I alone can fix it. Just go out and enjoy your Chrump tax cut, especially since most of you will end up paying more in taxes next year.

Drain the swamp, build the wall, Mexico will pay for the wall; I beat Crooked Hillary and her very bad emails, and the FBI is out to get me because Benghazi. No Russia, no collusion, no obstruction. So much fake news. So much winning.

Remember, anything I like is the greatest, the best, most tremendous ever. Anything I don’t like is fake, weak and pathetic, unless I decide I actually like it; then it’s the best ever. Now get out there and make America great again. If any of you losers here with me tonight are thinking about saying anything mean about me, please see my attorney and I assure you he will give you $130K to keep your mouth shut. You’re welcome.”

“Bing bing, bong bong, bing bing.”

Sorry you had to see that.

We have heard that many people will be playing drinking games as is often the case – like taking a drink every time Chrump says, “Believe me”, or “tremendous” or “fake news”. The most popular version we have heard about, is taking a drink every time he says a word.

Ed Venture
Managing (barely) Editor, Paying Attention

The Straights of The Union

2018 State of The Shithole

Capitol Hill
January 27, 2018



Once again, our intrepid team here at Paying Attention has gotten its many (and totally normal sized) hands on important news before it happens. One of the few customs Donald Chrump has deigned to uphold is the State of The Union address to the nation. We, through our double-secret anonymous source – Daniel Stormy, have obtained a partial transcript of Der Furor’s immanent State of The Union address slated for January 30^th. We thought you should have a chance to look it over in case you are unable and/or too wise to watch it as it happens.

Even merely reading his words is, as you would expect, painful, but it is undoubtedly better than watching him do it. Fortunately, thanks to his goldfish-like attention span and his excellent health, he cannot remain upright especially while acting presidential, so this should be relatively brief. Obviously, it can’t be brief enough. As this will be Chrump’s first and only State of The Union, it is sure to be an historic event…however exhausting and nauseating.

Artist’s prediction of Chrump delivering SOTU

 

“Thank you so much. I think that was the longest applause ever to start off a State of The Union address. It’s not that I don’t deserve it, but thanks anyway.

Mr. Speaker – I call him Tall Paul, Vice President Jesus Boy, members of Congress – but not the Democrat ones, my fellow white Americans, what an honor it is for you to be here while I tell everyone how great America is…again.

What a tremendously amazing crowd. I can see this is the largest crowd ever to attend a State of The Union. I know you are all excited to have the privilege of being in a room with Donald Chrump. Who could blame you?

What a great year it’s been. As everyone knows, I have been doing an incredible job. Truly amazing for someone who never did politics. It helps to be a very stable genius I guess. I’m sure you are tired of all the winning, but Donald J. Chrump will not stop until he has won everything there is to win. Everything. Believe me.

Many people are saying that I am the greatest president of all time. It’s not me saying this, it’s Fox and Friends, and many, many other people. Many people. All the time. I am glad to be giving you the privilege of having me as your president. And I’m not even charging you for it. I’m donating my salary to many charities, but I’m doing it anonymously so don’t bother snooping around for proof all you fake reporters out there.

I’m sure many of you remember the terrific day when I beat Hillary Clinton so very badly. Nobody thought an old white man could get elected president. It’s never happened before. I got more votes than all other presidents put together. Remember how red that map was? Everyone will be getting their very own copy very soon.

My doctor has assured you that I am the healthiest man alive, and will live to be 200 years old…at least. The fake and very crooked media refuses to believe how healthy I am. Too bad. My doctor Ronny Jackson – I call him Rockin’ Ronny – is the most trusted doctor anywhere and he knows almost as much about medical stuff as I do. He also said that I have probably the biggest hands of any president.

And one year ago today, who can forget my inspiring speech where I told everyone what a horrible, disgusting shithole America was before I came along. People are still talking about the largest crowds in history that came to see me get sworn in as the greatest president ever. The man who would make America so great again.
The fake news keeps talking about my lawyer paying some woman not to talk about an affair that the two of us agreed to say never happened. I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Just because my thug/attorney Mike Cohen created a shell corporation, cut a check from that fake company a week later, and sent a check for a measly $130K to a fake name a month before my great, historic election. They say she was a porn star or something. I don’t even know what a porn star is, plus I’m a huge germophobe. Everybody knows this. I won’t even touch myself. I mean who the hell would cheat on a hot babe like Melania. And even if I did, I’m a celebrity; they let you do whatever you want. Plus, I’ve done this kind of thing all my life, that’s why everyone loves me. And Melania just had a kid, she wouldn’t have cared – and he’s a great little kid; no Ivanka, but he’s a nice kid. I love Bannon…I mean Barron very much. But I can tell you, I never had sexual relations with that woman. Just because I told this woman that she was smart and beautiful like my daughter Ivanka doesn’t mean I grabbed her by the pussy. I gave that up months ago. Just ask the Secret Service. And all the big Evangelicals have forgiven me, so long as I keep pretending to be anti-LGBT, anti-choice and religious. Also, it depends of what your definition of “paying a porn star $130K to keep quiet” is.”  

We are hoping to get hold of the rest of this history making, anxiety-generating, brain-breaking verbal assault. No need to thank us. Just doing our job.

Ed Venture
Managing (barely) Editor, Paying Attention

January 20, 2017: Another Date That Will Live in Infamy

Oh, Fractious Day

O'er The Remnants We Watch
January 20, 2018

I hate to bring this up, but most of you are probably already aware that Donald Chrump is president. While there were thousands of people dancing in the streets when this became official, a significant majority of Americans was, at that time, and remains to this day, ashamed, mortified, disgusted, nauseated, shocked, depressed and possibly somewhat angry. President Little-Boy-Fat-Man defeated the American electorate after running the most disgraceful, pathetic, insulting, racist campaign in history and then scared the crap out of everyone at his inauguration.

We were all Melania that day, except for the smiley part

 

Today the world “celebrates” the first global holiday. Leaders, governments and people of all nationalities, colors, religions, genders and ages – and very possibly plants and animals – will set aside a split second to acknowledge the improbable fact that we have all survived an entire year with President Caligula.

One entire year, a complete trip around the Sun – or a complete trip for the Sun revolving around the Earth, if you are a Chrump supporter – or an eternity if you are not. We are only about 2500 lies and 100 golf days into this presidency and most Americans are afraid to turn on the television, read a newspaper or browse the internets for fear of learning of the hourly fiasco perpetrated by The Orange Gas Cloud. Fortunately, Chrump only works 1-3 hours every day, but his Chrumpublican enablers are hard at work dissolving the fabric of our society. They only need Der Furor to sign his name bigly now and then, show it off like it was the first time he ever did it, and take one more chunk out of the environment, the poor, minorities, voting rights and/or civilization in general. The important thing is that we made it this far.

This is not to say that we are not drastically worse for the wear. The body politic is in the ICU fighting for its life in the face of multiple organ failures. The nation’s soul has checked into the funny farm for a series of interventions, and heavy doses of opioids, which are still readily available for abuse while Jeff Sessions is busy fighting the Killer Weed. There is nothing else to celebrate about it beyond the fact that we have not been vaporized.

First Anniversary of The End of The World: The Pearl Harbor of Presidencies

This first anniversary also boasts a brand new government shutdown. Apparently Chrump thinks that Obama is the one who wants the government to function, and is having none of it. This past spring he said, “our country needs a good “shutdown”.” He probably thinks Mexico will pay for our shutdown, since it is due exclusively to Chrump’s fantasy wall, which he insists he never said was an actual wall…except for the thousand times he did. To show that he takes all this very seriously and is fully engaged in finding solutions, Chrumpy the Clown planned to show what a man-of-the-people he is by spending yet another weekend at his resort in Florida – golfing and communing with those he ran to represent.

To that end he has scheduled an anniversary event, with tickets for the event starting at $100,000/couple. For only $250,000/couple you can get a seat at the roundtable and have your picture taken with the thing they call president. Oh, to be a millionaire fly on the wall at Mor-on-Lago. I assume he is planning to use this money to fund the government during the shutdown he created. Sadly, Chrumpy was shamed into staying in Washington (which he thinks is a shithole) to pretend to work on stopping the shutdown he caused by lying about accepting any bipartisan plan laid at his feet by Congress. He was presented such a plan, threw a shitholefit, and here we are – nation-as-dead-man-walking, waiting desperately for a reprieve from Bob Mueller.

January 20, 2017, a date that will rival December 7, 1941 for living in infamy. Who will ever be able to forget Chrump’s “American Carnage” inaugural assault/address? My ears still bleed a little every day for having made the mistake of hearing it. It was truly the 9/11 of speeches. Those foolish enough to think he or this nation would get any better under the control of the man who spewed that insane tirade should have their heads examined – I hear that lobotomies are new, improved, and back in vogue – and their voting rights revoked.

Meanwhile, Back at The Russian Ranch

Anyone who has to say that, “there was no collusion” 16 times during a 30-minute interview – without the issue having been raised – might be worried about something. Lying 24 times within those same 30 minutes, while entirely unsurprising should be no less horrifying. And, in a desperate attempt to muddy the crystal-clear waters of the Mueller investigation, Chrump has convinced Jeff Sessions to investigate…guess who: Hillary Clinton. How original. Also, to put the feces-laced icing on the obfuscation cake, the Chrumpublicans on the Senate Intelligence Committee (behind the backs of the Democratic committee members), protecting their king, wants fake charges brought against Christopher Steele. Steele is under fire for digging up too much real dirt on Der Furor and sharing his findings with the FBI due to concern that a serious crime was underway. The crime Steele uncovered was Russian interference in our 2016 presidential election. Some of you might have heard about this.

President Caligula salutes himself

      Chrumperwocky

‘Twas brillig and the slithy Pence

   Did queere and quibbol in Deecee

All manky were the twitterthumbs

   And the mome rats outscreed

“Beware the Chrumperwock, my son 

   The jowls that fart, the thumbs that tweet!

Beware the Bannon bird, and shun

   The frumious Sessionscheat!”

We draw our vorpal ballot in hand

   Long time the chrumpsome foe we fought—

So vote will we, November six,

   And watched him morv to naught.

“And hast thou slain the Chrumperwock?

   Decrapitate impeachy swine?

O fractious day! Callooh! Callay!”

   The last laugh shall be mine (ours).

So raise a glass, if you still have the strength and congratulate yourself for having not fully succumbed to all that is Chrump and his merry band of racist psychos after an entire year. With any luck, we will be losing our minds over the intolerable insanity of President Ryan this time next year.

I. Mangrey (and Lewis Carroll) rebralbring.                                       

                                                                             

Triple Threat

Chrump’s Trifuckta

January 18, 2018

“You may not believe in global warming, but global warming believes in you.”
Bill McKibbin

Just when you thought you had seen it all, or at least seen quite enough, the Chrumpublicans look to put an end to this whole climate debate. No one will bother yammering on about climate change after the latest onslaught. It would be like hiring a top-notch security detail to protect a VIP right after he has been taken out by a sniper. The only difference is that instead of a sniper taking out the target and disappearing into the shadows, the assailant in this case carried out the equivalent of standing in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shooting someone in broad daylight (and not losing any votes). Or something like that.

Not only is the Chrump administration looking to open up both coasts to wanton offshore oil drilling, they also have big plans to gut safety regulations put in place after the Deep Water Horizon disaster and designed to prevent oil disasters at sea. But wait, there’s more. There’s always more.

Deep Water Horizon: For some reason this was not a tourist attraction

 

As part of their recent tax cut from hell, they eliminated the nine-cent-per-barrel tax on oil that was used as an emergency fund to deal with oil spills. This tax was created on the heels of the Exxon Valdez disaster off the coast of Alaska in 1989. And really, nine cents per barrel. How can any oil merchant possibly survive under such oppressive taxation? I mean, how would you like it if you had to pay nine cents every time you spent a dollar or so at the store?

Exxon Valdez: Who doesn’t love Alaskan crab – packed in oil?

 

As of now, it seems that every single governor – or close to it – of a coastal state would prefer that Chrump and his drillers – I will try to keep this civil and professional, presidential, even quoting the great Dick Cheney – go fuck themselves. But wait, there’s more. There’s always more.

How Many Sgt. Schultzes Can Dance on the Heads of The Poor

Florida governor, Rick Scott did not like the idea of opening up his state’s coastal areas to government sanctioned oil thieves. By the way, Scott was CEO of a hospital company when that company was fined $1.7 billion for Medicare fraud. I have never been enmeshed in corporate America, but from what I’ve been able to ascertain over the years, it is clear that CEOs never have the slightest idea what goes on under their noses. Who could forget smartest-guy-in-the-room Ken Lay (close personal friend of George W. Bush – who Bush later denied ever knowing) who was CEO/innocent bystander of Enron while the energy giant ripped off entire states by creating artificial power outages, and stole their employees’ pensions before going bankrupt back in the good-old-days of The Zeros when Bushes and Cheneys and Rumsfelds ran free. Rick Scott or course, is a Chrumpublican governor of a major swing state – one that is likely to dump every single Chrumpublican from office after the way they treated Puerto Rico in 2017 – that also happens to be home to three Chrump-owned golf courses. These are the kinds of coincidences that keep CEOs up at night. That and the fact that for the most part, they are heartless, greedy bastards destroying lives and the planet.

While China, Germany and others are readying themselves to own the already-growing renewable energy market, the United States is intentionally vying to become the oil-soaked-bird of nations, working hard to stay firmly entrenched (literally and figuratively) in the petroleum economy. If we can pull this off, America will be a dinosaur nation, except that the dinosaurs did not commit suicide. The petroleum age is a dead man walking. Unfortunately, it still walks among us, not yet incarcerated without bail, awaiting trial and continuing to wreak havoc.

Meanwhile, the million-gallon-of-oil-laden Iranian tanker that burst into flames off the coast of China on January 6 finally stopped burning…by exploding and sinking into the East China Sea. The worst oil ship disaster in decades has now become two oil slicks – one of which is over 15 square miles, the other over 25 square miles – all in all the size of Paris. Oddly enough, there is concern that all of this runaway oil might harm the environment and contaminate seafood. Sounds like a hoax to me.

Move over Carnival Cruise Lines

 

Speaking of disgusting environmental disasters…

 

I. Mangrey regurgitating. For oil you do.

Turn Your Head and Resign

It's a Turd, It's a Stain, It's a Whatever

The Bowels of the White House
January 12, 2018

Donald Chrump, under threat of medical subpoena, begrudgingly underwent his first physical exam as so-called president. There were few surprises, though very little that resembled a humanoid body. One independent medical expert who reviewed the findings described Chrump as “very much like a cadaver with a pulse…a very faint pulse, but probably a pulse.”

 

Chrump was examined by Rear Admiral Ronny L. Jackson, who has been a White House physician since 2006. Chrump was unsurprisingly hesitant to let Jackson get close enough to perform the exam when he learned that Jackson had previously examined Barack Obama. “As you know, I’m a huge germophobe and an even huger Obama-phobe. I had no idea that this doctor had his hands on Obama who was born in some shithole country. Did he wash his hands after? How can anyone know for sure? I was hoping to have my old doctor do my exam, but he apparently has locked himself in his own house. And by the way, I am very proud that thanks to me everyone has the privilege of saying ‘shithole’ on television. So much political correctness, so sad. Now Americans can say shithole all they want on TV. And the ratings will be very good. That I can tell you. Very good.”

Leaked reports of Dear Loser’s findings revealed that there was no sign of most of the usual internal organs, leading most medical professionals to conclude that Mr. Chrump is actually more like a very large, poorly camouflaged tapeworm.

Many experts are now questioning whether a giant tapeworm can actually be president. However, according to one, “The Constitution actually says nothing about the species of the Executive, or even members of Congress for that matter. We could very well one day find ourselves under the leadership of a series of ticks, adorable bunnies, YouTube kittens or even a spruce tree. Probably not bears, since they hibernate in winter, or deciduous plants that die back in the winter as well. There could be a problem with the age requirements for some of previously mentioned candidates, but that is clearly not the issue here.”

Admiral Jackson briefly addressed the press, “We determined that there was a very large mouth, leading to a tube filled with remnants of fast food and sugary liquids, ending in what can only be described as a hellish shithole. We observed what appeared to be tiny little hands and a tiny little whatever. I have been a doctor for over 25 years, admittedly mostly for mammals, but I’m ashamed to admit that I was unable to complete the exam after becoming physically ill. At this time I am announcing my retirement, not only as White House physician, but as a medical doctor altogether. I never want to risk seeing anything like that again.”

Although Chrump claimed he was willing to undergo a psychiatric evaluation, saying, “I have no hesitation to let them evaluate my amazing psyche. As you know, I am very stable, probably the most stable person, I would say, ever. As I have said many, many times – many times – I have a very good brain...I would say, probably, the best brain of all time. Everybody knows this. It thinks good thoughts, very stable thoughts, and helps me say very smart things in a very stable way. Also, I know more about the brain than any doctor. But, I will let them test me all they want, I just hope they can find someone who is not a fake doctor and is smart enough to take my brain pressure properly.” Unfortunately, no doctor could be found who was willing to take on such a dangerous mission.

I. Mangrey repulsed.

President Caligula

Racist-in-chief

A Shithole Country
January 11, 2018

“When someone shows you who they are, believe them.”
Maya Angelou

“Believe me.”
Donald J. Chrump

Hot on the heels of his insane tweets (I know…so what else is new?) meant to convince (emphasis on the con) everyone that he is “like, a smart person,” a “genius” and “a stable genius at that,” Chrump’s handlers thought it would be good to put President Caligula on TV in a The Apprentice-like setting. Chrump actually welcomed everyone to “the studio.” His handlers are clearly not, like, smart people. The Doofus-in-chief once again demonstrated that he has no clue what anyone is talking about. After agreeing with a request from Diane Feinstein for a clean DACA bill, one of Chrump’s handmaidens had to explain what Feinstein has said, and how it was the exact opposite of what Chrump wanted. There were many more examples of Chrump’s absolute buffoonery during this fake meeting of course.

Back in the Oval Office, in what a Fux News legal expert called “a new low” for Der Furor, he was quoted as saying, “Why are we having all these people from shithole countries come here?”, referring to countries like Haiti and African countries, adding, “Why can't we have more people from Norway? Why must we have a shithole president?

Haitians, Africans and Norwegians. Any questions?

 

Many people are familiar with the term psychobabble. It is typically employed to describe someone who uses psychological or pseudo-psychological jargon to create an impression of truth or plausibility. The term implies a lack of experience and understanding necessary for the proper use of such terms. The emphasis was on the babble. President Shithole brings new meaning to the term, causing the emphasis to be shifted, as in, “Do I have to listen to this psycho babble?”

Earlier in the week Chrump told an audience of farmers, “Oh, are you happy you voted for me. You are so lucky that I gave you that privilege.” If only I had known it was a privilege. Once again I have missed out on a golden opportunity. The story of my life. A perfectly good privilege shot to hell. I do not deserve Donald Chrump as president, and the same must be said for a large majority of Americans who also squandered their Chrump-given privilege. Bad country! Go to your room.

Anyone who tells you he has “a very good brain,” that he is “like, really smart,” and “not smart, but genius…and a very stable genius at that!”, just might not be as smart as he thinks he is. Donald Chrump might the only person I have ever seen who can insult his own intelligence.

N.B. Leevibol reporting.

Tweets of The Ancients

While Washington Burns,
A Pause in The Disaster
Before it Gets Worse

January 8, 2018

Many of you are (wishing you were not) aware of Twitter. We are currently laboring under the first Twitter-crazed White House occupant. Donald Chrump is incapable of formulating and expressing cogent ideas and is deathly afraid of reporters, so we are left with his relentless tweeting. He is even afraid to walk down the hall and make an appearance alongside his press secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders. Many people are saying that this is simply a matter of Chrump not wanting to be any closer the Huckabee Sanders than necessary, or because he could not get his pants on that day, and not because he is scared to death of facing actual questions that demand answers. Instead, Der Furor appeared in video form recently, to remind (i.e., con) everyone what a tremendous president he is and how badly he is being treated. SAD.

Pay no attention to the man on the curtains

A Jack of All Tirades

Putting aside the horrific, ignorant, infantile, dangerous, weapons-grade content of Chrump’s incessant tweets, I must admit that I find it amazing that this clueless chowder head can count up to and stop at 280 characters in order not to exceed the maximum allowable on Twitter. It must be said that if not for the aforementioned horrific, ignorant, infantile, dangerous, weapons-grade tweeting, we would be in much deeper, hotter water. If Chrump did not constantly rub our faces in his cognitive excrement, the Republican’ts would be running a much more successful agenda of crushing civil rights, voting rights, economic justice, the environment, science, etc.

I rest my case.

 

Seventeen Syllables

Being old, I remember Haiku. I was not around when Haiku first started, but I enjoy the simplicity, the brevity and the durability of the art form. Had to write them in high school. Full disclosure: I also enjoy vinyl recordings. Haiku is basically the original tweet. Simple. Elegant. Brief. Always been a fan.

Here are three examples from Basho Matsuo (1644-1694), considered the greatest haiku poet:

An old silent pond...
A frog jumps into the pond,
splash! Silence again.

Autumn moonlight –
a worm digs silently
into the chestnut.

In the twilight rain
these brilliant-hued hibiscus –
A lovely sunset.

Some more recent examples from someone considered nowhere near the greatest haiku poet:

Exalted leaders
embarrass themselves daily
by talking too much

The brainless man can
be elevated above all
by lying bigly

And it gets even worse:

So-called president
orange hued birdbrain tweeter
Donald J. Chrump. SAD!

Phony billionaire
extraordinary Con man
actually broke

Can’t read, can’t think of
anything besides his “hair”
and TV ratings

Orange flatulence
deeply in love with himself
for no good reason

So-called president
neither clue nor interest
he’d much rather golf

White House infected
renegade virus with “hair”
having his way. Ouch.

Brain damaged tweeter
words happen, thoughtless, hateful
when will he stop it?

Like a really smart
person, a stable genius
who could ask for more

He’s like, really smart
though in fact not smart at all
like really, not smart

I hope you will be inspired to create your own Haiku. It’s easy, and usually under 100 characters.

I. Mangrey at work
callin’ ‘em like I see ‘em
like a smart person

Bring On The Femocrats

I Have a White To Be Angry

Snow
January 4, 2018

I hate to have to say this, but white people – particularly white men – in America have got to be stopped before it’s too late. Before anyone starts calling me a racist or sexist, let me state for the record that I am generally considered to be white and male. So I know of what I speak.

It was clearly white people who gave Chrump his Electoral College victory, and white people who worked like the dickens to elect the very white Roy Moore. Let’s face it, white people have a consistent history of very bad behavior. Very bad. They have not sent us their best people. They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're rapists. They’re racists. They’re bringing Steve Bannon, Mike Pence, Mitch McConnell, Paul Ryan – and who could forget Hall-of-Shamers like Dick Cheney, George W. Bush, Don Rumsfeld, Karl Rove …oh, and that pasty-faced-fake-tanned Chrump guy himself – they don’t make ‘em much whiter. And some of them, I assume, are very good people.  

Another dangerous old white man

Fortunately, thanks in no small part to the unabated toxicity of these old white men, women, especially African American women are grabbing this thing by the balls. Hopefully they have a way of shutting that whole thing down.

The take-over should be fairly easy. Many stupid old white guys are now at each other’s throats. Soon-to-be-forgotten Steve Bannon is following up his disastrous support for Roy Moore by dishing dirt on various Donald Chrumps in Michael Wolff’s new book, Fire and Fury: Inside the Chrump White House. Bannon described Don, Jr.’s Chrump Tower/Russians meeting as “treasonous” and “unpatriotic”. In a written statement tantrum from the PGOTUS, Chrump replied, “Steve Bannon has nothing to do with me or my presidency. When he was fired, he not only lost his job, he lost his mind,” and calls the new book a “trashy tabloid fiction expose”, or in other words, an accurate Chrump biography. Chrump as expected, is threatening to sue Bannon for telling the truth. The latest salvo came from Bannon, who is now teetering on the brink of oblivion, “The President of the United States is a great man. You know I support him day in and day out…” One (but not this one) hopes that Bannon’s stubble does not chafe he ex-boss’s hindquarters too badly.

Bannon was not the only insider scooping poop on the Orange Gas Cloud. Many other white people said many other unflattering things about Der Furor. Basically, everyone who has ever spent any amount of time trying to work with Chrump thinks that he is a fucking moron, a fucking idiot, dumb as shit, totally incompetent, unfit for office, or any number of such objectively accurate descriptors, and has said as much. For the record, Chrump feels the same way about everyone else.

It is not a moment too soon for women to flex their political muscle. And yes, I am aware that a majority of white women voted for the p***y-grabber now despoiling the Oval Office. I imagine that many of them are feeling some degree of buyer’s remorse, or hopefully self-loathing. Those who did not vote for Chrump have been very busy since the onset of his presidency. Women are in large part responsible for much of the pushback we have seen at the polls in Virginia, Alabama, New Jersey and other special elections seen as important in stopping Chrump’s agenda before it completely devastates this nation. This November looks to be a serious kick-in-the-tiny-shriveled-balls to Little Donny.

Chrump is rapidly deteriorating right in front of our eyes and he plans to take us all down with him. Well, I suppose ‘plans’ is probably not the appropriate term. Chrump clearly has no plan, no clue, no sense. He is a Category 5 shitstorm.

 

I. Mangrey reclining.

Hope-y New Year

Postparty Depression

January 1, 2018

Hope you celebrated the death of 2017 and the birth of a hope-filled 2018. Sorry to remind you of the fray so soon in the new year, but we dare not rest on remnant of our last laurel, or take our eye off the Orange Blob for very long. With 2017 in its last throes, Dear Leader insisted, “I have absolute right to do what I want to do with the Justice Department. But for purposes of hopefully thinking I’m going to be treated fairly, I’ve stayed uninvolved with this particular matter.” Sure, it was poorly said, mostly untrue and completely unhinged, but we expect all that.

This place is a mess. 2017 was a bit challenging. Fortunately, as an American, I am able to forget completely anything that happened more than two news cycles – or in the common tongue, four hours – ago. Without this great gift our Forefathers brought forth on this continent, it would be impossible for this nation to survive. While assembling our predictions for the new year one got lost in the shuffle. You are probably thinking to yourself – surely there cannot have been anything that was left out…please. But, one did fall through the wisecracks, and here it is:

November 6, 2018

Vote, Vote, It Ain't Illegal Yet

People talk about gerrymandering, a dizzying assortment of voter suppression strategies, etc. Every patriotic American must be honest about the fact that Republican’ts cheat. Big league. Both parties likely are guilty of some amount of hanky panky ballot fudging. But, the Republican’ts are pros. And they are more aggressive when it comes to blaming their opponent for doing precisely what they themselves are doing in spades. Shutting down polling places in minority districts, reducing early voting options, refusing to allow a paper trail, purging hundreds of thousands of eligible (mostly minority) voters from the rolls, taking voting machines home with them, they do it all. Then they cry voter fraud over and over and over. They will stumble across a herd of unicorns before they ever uncover even slight voter fraud.

Despite seemingly insurmountable odds, Democrats take back the Senate and flip a stunning 200 seats in the House. Donald Chrump nonetheless claims victory. It is clearer than ever that he has no idea how our government works, what party he is in, how soon he will be out of office, or how long he will eventually spend behind bars.

We showed you Chrump's presidential portrait a while back:

 

Anyway, just thought you might want to see this final prediction for 2018. We will soon return you to your regularly scheduled fretting about was has happened as you await what will.

I. Mangrey reproving. RESIST!