School of Hard Shots

Don’t Shoot The Messenger

February 25, 2018

Apparently, what this country needs is more shooting. Just ask Don Chrump, the new voice of the NRA. During his recent listening session, Chrump spent most of the time listening to the voices in his head while other people talked to him. One of those voices was the usual fourth grader that we all get to hear whenever he speaks on his own, or get to see on Twitter every few minutes. The other voices are those of the three stooges on Fux and Friends and that of bloodthirsty murder fetishist and NRA executive VP Wayne LaPierre.

Now here’s a man who knows where his hearing holes are

Chrump clearly had no idea what anyone was talking about, fighting to sit still and avoid drooling. No matter what anyone else said, Der Furor stuck to his guns and insisted that the only thing that could be done was to turn our schools into war zones, with firearms at the ready, to guarantee that good guys (teachers) with guns were ready to stop bad guys (white guys) with guns. Sadly, 44 percent of Americans think teachers with guns is a good idea.

A study of the New York Police Department found that between 1998 and 2006, the average hit rate during gunfights was 18 percent. When suspects did not return fire, police officers still hit their targets only 30 percent of the time. Officers who have been involved in shootings say that firing a weapon in a stressful situation is very difficult. Chrump, no doubt knows better. Either way, I am sure that teachers dashing off to get their hidden guns and then rushing toward an active shooter with superior firepower will be able to do much better than professional good guys with guns. And hardly any of them will accidently shoot bystanders, themselves or end up being shot with their own gun.

Get real or go home. Better yet, go home and get real

 

Even though Chrump had a cheat-sheet to help him remember why he was there, what to pretend to be thinking about, and how he was supposed to feel, he still managed to embarrass everyone in the room. I don’t think his list included this gem, “We need to let people know, you come into our schools, you’re gonna be dead.”

Most people with cheat-sheets have the words facing them

 

Who cares if America’s schools cannot afford normal school supplies like paper and pencils? According to a 2013 article in Education Week, “two-thirds of all classroom supplies are purchased by teachers. And 91 percent of teachers—many of whom receive modest pay to begin with—purchase basic supplies for students whose families cannot afford them. All of these expenditures can add up to more than $1 billion every year out of educators’ own pockets.” Obviously, the big question now is, will these teachers have to buy their own guns? And what about bullets? As Chris Rock said, “Guns don’t kill people, bullets kill people.

As we all know, Republican’ts do not want the hoi polloi to be educated, and are not overly concerned with the lives and/or deaths of students. They only care about people before they are born. As their leader Chrump said during the pre-inauguration phase of his campaign, echoing the longstanding philosophy of the Republican’t Party, “I love the poorly educated.” And they love him right back.

Americans can be proud that our five-deferment-draft-dodging prezident is so brave shooting off his mouth. I would say, put your gun where your mouth is, but that would not be nice, and might be taken the wrong way.

I. Mangrey reporting. Remember, guns don’t kill people, the NRA kills people.

Dummies For Voting?

Voting For Dummies (Embrace the Double Entendre)

PA-7
February 22, 2018

In their never-ending battle to stop voting in America, Republican’ts got a boost from five members of the Supreme Court. The anti-democracy Roberts court decided to strike down the decision of a federal court in Texas that rigged voting in that state in favor of...wait for it…Republican’ts. The district judges determined that, “The record indicates not just a hostility toward Democrat (sic) districts, but a hostility to minority districts, and a willingness to use race for partisan advantage.” The Supremes, reticent to take on state voting issues, were persuaded by Pennsylvania Republican’ts to hear, and presumably overturn the state’s Supreme Court decision to undo the insane gerrymandering of the state’s voting districts, including one whose shape is known as “Goofy kicking Donald Duck” (though it looks more like the Road Runner kicking Wile E. Coyote to me). The highest court in the land– the same court that gutted the 1965 Voting Rights Act in 2013 – this time (at least for now) took the side of democracy, allowing the Keystone State to redraw its voting map. The court, and the Democrats, are looking to make the districts fair – as in, favoring neither party – but fair don’t fly with Republican’ts.

It’s alive: PA-7 – my home district on alternate Wednesdays and Fridays

The Supreme Court's decision is one of many that seem to signal a move away from the anti-democratic, unconstitutional, and objectively immoral gerrymandering that tips the scales in favor of Republican’ts, who demonstrably cannot win congressional or senate seats, or the presidency without some form of cheating. The Pennsylvania Supreme Court has redrawn the state’s voting map, effective in May 2018. Republican’ts plan to sue.

Whether it be gratuitous voter ID laws, gerrymandering, being the boy who cried voter fraud, creating a fraudulent voter fraud commission, or working with the Russians – purposely or otherwise, Republican’ts are shameless merchants of fascism.

Chrump, hard(ly) at work with his cabinet from hell.

Sure, there are literally hundreds of Russia connections in Chrumpworld. But there are two things the Republican’ts want you to remember above all else – Bengazi and Clinton got a blow job. Oh, and Hillary’s emails. Nothing else matters.

It Can't Happen Here, Except When it Does

It is interesting that the Russians and the Republican’ts have so much in common. According to federal prosecutors, Russian-backed entities attempted to suppress voter turnout in minority communities as part of its campaign to influence the 2016 presidential election. What a coincidence, Republican’ts have been doing this for decades. What I want to know is this: what is the real Red menace? Are Red States Republican’t or Russian?

Bull Goose Republican’t Don Chrump, in response to the special prosecutor’s indictment of 13 Russians for meddling in our elections, attacked the FBI, Democrats, Obama, his own National Security Advisor, the Media and Harry Potter. He still did not have one single harsh word for Vladimir Putin and his cyber-attackers. Chrump gave no indication that he thought there was an ongoing threat to our elections, and no indication that he has any interest in trying to protect what is left of our democracy.

As we would all prefer to forget, the Founding Fathers felt that only wealthy white males were to have the right to elect wealthy white males to office. Today’s Republican'ts have never wavered in their relentless obsession with trying to return to those days, or at least stifling the non-Republican’t vote. Numerous Republican'ts have publicly proclaimed that they do not want too many people voting. Mostly they are quiet about it, preferring to trease (the verb form of treason; believe me) behind the scenes. And who could blame them? Conservative icon Paul Weyrich, co-founder of right-wing think-tank the Heritage Foundation, who also helped to establish the Moral Majority spoke directly to this issue in the fall of 1980.

Weyrich bemoaned the fact that “many of our Christians have what I call the ‘Goo-Goo Syndrome.’ Good government. They want everybody to vote. I don’t want everybody to vote…As a matter of fact our leverage in the elections quite candidly goes up as the voting populace goes down.” At least Mr. Weyrich had the courage, if not the good taste to speak his incredibly un-democratic mind in public. Today, his successors couch their language, hide their contempt for just about everyone and pretend to be looking out for Democracy. Their actions speak much louder than their words.

Fuck the Vote

As if proof of the above was necessary, The Nation reported that last week, under cover of swamp gas, the House Administration Committee voted along party lines to eliminate the Election Assistance Commission (EAC). Have you ever heard of the EAC? Apparently, it exists to help states run elections. It is the only federal agency trying to guarantee voting machines can’t be hacked. Who knew? The EAC, created as part of the Help America Vote Act after the catastrophic 2000 “election” in Florida, was meant to fix problems like butterfly ballots and hanging chads. You know, two of the reasons (because disenfranchising tens of thousands of black voters was simply not enough) George W. Bush won the Electoral College, lost the popular vote, and became the worst president ever (for eight years). Sound familiar?

There is a non-profit, progressive-aligned organization called Rock the Vote, whose stated mission is "to engage and build the political power of young people." For 26 years Rock the Vote has worked to register and encourage young people to vote. Conversely, the Republican’ts have mounted a much longer-lived program to Fuck the Vote. Unfortunately, they seem to have been more effective in achieving their goal. Maybe the continuing slaughter of American students and the intransigence of the Republican’t Gun Lobby Party toward any type of meaningful gun control will turn the tide once and for all.

I. Mangrey reloading. Duck and cover.                                                                           

                                                                                             

Forty-Four Presidents’ Day

Ex-Presidents’ Day 2018

February 19, 2018

As the Chrump prezidency drags on, and drags most Americans around like a Nantucket sleigh ride, we are caused to acknowledge Presidents’ Day. This year, we must remind ourselves that this holiday was originally meant to be a celebration, not of all presidents, but of one and only one – George Washington. It later morphed into a day to celebrate all American presidents. But not anymore. The Russian-interference-enhanced election of Donald Chrump changes everything. With any luck we will live to regret the 45^th. I am not doing a chicken census at this point.

We have had great presidents and terrible presidents (I’m looking at you George W. Bush.) and everything in between. But we have only one president who was aided and abetted by our most reviled adversary and the head of the FBI, who he later fired for investigating said aiding and abetting. Go figure.

There is not, nor will there ever be any official celebration of Donald Chrump, the most disgraceful, incompetent, hateful and fatally narcissistic leader this nation has ever known. I imagine that those entrenched in Chrump’s alternative reality, will simply never be able to admit to anything other than their man Chrump is making America great again.

Most of us however, will think longingly of the most recent, and hopefully not the last, actual president. Certainly not perfect, but a decent man, with a functioning cerebral cortex, real class and normal-sized adult male hands. The major flaw found by many Americans was this man’s stubborn refusal to be all white. Well, I say be careful what you wish for my fellow Americans. We’ve got ourselves a real white one this time. No doubt about it, not only all white, but alt-white to boot.

Rules of Enragement

As for the current part-time White House occupant, once he was sufficiently coerced over the course of a week, took a few moments out of his busy tweeting and “hair” arrangement schedule to set us all straight on where he stands on domestic violence, by talking words out of his face sphincter rather than his twitter fingers. In case anyone was confused by his shameless, tasteless, empathy-free homage to his recently departed, wife-beating secretary, Der Furor gave a brief tantrum on the subject, scolding, “I am totally opposed to domestic violence and everybody here knows that. I am totally opposed to domestic violence of any kind. Everyone knows that and it almost wouldn’t even have to be said. So now you hear it but you all know it.”

By crashing a press event, I managed to address this issue head-on the only way Der Furor might catch wind – by appearing on the TV with the most microphones ever, “First of all, nobody anywhere would ever have guessed, let alone knows, that you might be opposed to domestic violence. What everyone does know, is that your first wife accused you of sexual assault, and that you with your own mouth told Billy Bush how you like to kiss women without their consent or immediate access to antiseptic or antibiotics, and then just, I believe the phrase was, “grab them by the pussy.” So, in your case, it most certainly would have to be said, over and over, possibly with some hint of empathy as opposed to annoyance. Frankly, now that I hear you say it, I have to be honest (This is a real word; have someone look it up and explain it to you.) with you Chrumpy, not only don’t I know it, but I could not possibly believe you any less…though I am willing to give it a try. And I have no doubt that you will provide ample opportunity before you are impeached.”

 

“I know you really want to defend our country against all enemies, foreign and domestic, but you can’t because you have brain spurs. Your right-hand-man/wife beater could not get a security clearance from the FBI, neither could Ivanka or Jared and hundreds more of your best people. You, yourself have been directly and repeatedly involved in jeopardizing national security. You only have security clearance because you were automatically cleared once the Electoral College made you prezident. Ergo, we are all in significant and imminent danger.”

Happy Ex-Presidents’ Day. Enjoy the great sales. There ain’t nothin’ else.

I. Mangrey reporting. Guns don’t kill people…unless they were shot to death.

Chrump Tweets Himself In The Foot

Tweet, Tweet, Tweet

February 18, 2018

The Prezident:

The Blogger:

The Congressman:

Ruben Gallego (D-AZ)

The Boy Who Cried No Collusion

Chrump’s Weekly No-Collusion-Vindication-Proclamation

February 17, 2018

The FBI had agents provocateurs observing, inciting and in many cases “outdoing” left leaning groups in the Sixties. Undercover federal agents perpetrated some of the most outrageous, radical and negative-publicity-generating actions during the height of the Sixties protest era. Russia did the same thing with Chrumpies in the 2016 election. Russian operatives hired some of the most high-profile instigators at Chrump rallies. We will assume for the moment that the Chrump team was unaware of this.

Despite the love fest between Republican’ts and Vladimir Putin that began the moment Barack Obama became president, and Donald Chrump’s obvious infatuation with the Russian strongman, the FBI seems not to have gotten the memo. For some reason, the Feds still see Russia as an adversary. Chrump might be regretting all those not-so-wonderful things he has been saying about the FBI and CIA.

Chrump refused to admit that Russia was involved in the 2016 election. He looked into Putin’s wallet and saw his soul. He asked Putin if he did it, Putin said no, and that was good enough for Chrumpy the Clown. He was the only one surprised by yesterday’s indictment of 13 Russians for tampering with our election. Who looks more like somebody sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds now?

It is now more obvious than ever that Russian agents worked to keep Hillary Clinton, who Putin hated for her tougher-than-tough stance on Russia, from becoming president and putting the worst possible candidate ever to represent a major party in the White House. Republican’ts knew this was happening. Everyone knew this was happening. Everyone, that is, with the possible exception of Donald Chrump, who more likely knew but welcomed the effort of his idol, Putin. Whether technically or not, Chrump and the Republican’t Party colluded with Russian agents to take the White House. To quote someone very familiar with this case, “Somebody said, 'treasonous.' I mean, Yeah, I guess why not? Can we call that treason? Why not? I mean they certainly didn't seem to love our country that much."  

Contrary to Chrump’s weekly No-Collusion-Vindication-Proclamation, he has still not been cleared of anything. Der Furor has done nothing to protect the integrity of our elections. To be fair, election integrity has never been something Republican’ts wanted. Their mission has always been to disrupt our election process at every turn. That is a big reason they are in such a position of power. At the risk of being redundant, “Somebody said, 'treasonous.' I mean, Yeah, I guess why not? Can we call that treason? Why not? I mean they certainly didn't seem to love our country that much."

While we’re on the subject of the FBI and wanting to trust them for a change, they failed to act on information about the latest Florida school shooter. More than a month before the shooting spree, the Feds were tipped off about his stockpile of guns, desire to kill people, erratic behavior, and disturbing social media posts. They were warned about his desire to carry out a school shooting. I wonder if they would have acted faster if this young lad had been less white. Just kidding. I don’t wonder at all.

And how about those patriotic Republican’ts? In a 225-192 vote Thursday, most House Republicans and a dozen Democrats passed a bill that makes it harder for disabled persons to sue for discrimination. Because all those mooching disabled Americans will finally be put in their place. Many disability and civil rights groups fear the bill will gut the Americans With Disabilities Act. Maybe the FBI will look into it.

I. Mangrey reporting.                                                                                                    

                                                                                            

A Paying Attention First

Mistakes Were Made

February 12, 2018

Two corrections:

Item #1 is not so much a correction as an omission. I knew we had a whiteness problem. In this case, it is not so much a need to make our whites whiter, but a need to get the white out. I don’t think they make a Visine for this one. Item #2 is simply a regrettable, however understandable, error.

A new study from the Southern Poverty Law Center reveals that, since 2014, there have been more than “100 people killed or injured by alleged perpetrators influenced by the so-called ‘alt-right’—a movement that continues to access the mainstream and reach young recruits.” The report finds that a healthy number of those identified in the report are outspoken Chrump supporters. If you thought that white extremism blossomed under America’s first black president, first of all, you would be depressingly correct, and second, this was nothing compared to the (somewhat literal) explosion in the White Death under our first alt-white prezident.

1) We neglected to include the fact that last June, just two months before his deplorable supporters soiled Charlottesville, Chrump’s administration rescinded funds previously earmarked to counter right-wing extremism and white supremacist violence.

It is possible that one of our attorneys was responsible for the apology-causing errant verbiage. I know that neither Mr. Hungadunga, Mr. Hungadunga, Mr. Hungadunga nor Mr. McCormack has ever contributed to our reporting, but as Dear Leader showed a while back, when it seemed that Der Furor admitted to obstructing justice and his attorney took the fall, these things happen.  

2) I may have inadvertently described Donald Chrump as “a serving of peanut butter and mashed potatoes.” It should have read - Donald Chrump is an ignorant, racist bastard with hair borrowed from an American Girl Doll. Our apologies for the error.  

We promise greater vigilance going forward. 

Whitey, The Eighth Dwarf 

While we are on the subjects of right-wing extremism and mistakes, Jeff Sessions told the National Sheriffs’ Association that, “The office of sheriff is a critical part of the Anglo-American heritage of law enforcement. We must never erode this historic office.” Sessions possibly continued, “What I miss are the fire hoses and attack dogs we had back in the day. Now that was some damn effective Anglo-American police work, or dare I say, justice. Those ni…I mean, naughty boys, I mean fellas, knew who was boss back then. I’m workin’ hard for you good old boys to make sure white still makes right.” This has not been independently or alternatively verified. 

A spokeswhiteperson for Sessions brushed off criticism saying, “Stop making such a fuss. It was just sheriff’s room talk.”

Ed Venture
Benevolent Overseer

The Best People

Tell Me Where It Hurts

February 11, 2018

The liberal FBI is hard at work (as it always has been) cracking down on what they are calling “Black Identity Extremists,” or as they are commonly referred to, African Americans. This of course, is the natural reaction to some very fine white people who peacefully rioted, with torches and racist and nazi chants, passed a pleasant evening – that even had a prom-like theme – "Unite the Right" in Charlottesville. Very fine people. the kind Chrump relates to and depends on for support.

Meanwhile, white extremists are running amok. It turns out that the murder of Heather Heyer by James Alex Fields was the 37^th murder committed by someone apparently fueled by alt-right ideology in the past four years. Six more people have been killed by alt-right extremists since Heyer's death. That same increase in violence has included 67 injuries, including the 19 other people Fields hit with his car in Charlottesville. How have all these white Christian men become radicalized? Were they born in this country or are they refugees from some white shithole country? Fields? What kind of name is that? Norwegian?

The Friend of My Enemy Is My Enemy’s Friendly Enemy’s Friend

Chrump is all in with the FBI when they go after black-identity-types, but not when they mess with his homies – his fellow woman abusers. Yet another Chrump appointee, this time the man who spends the most time with his very stable boss, Rob Porter, got the tiny thumbs-up from Dear Leader. And why not? We must protect our precious infrastructure of rich-white-males. They are endangered in this increasingly woman-friendly society. So some white guy beats up a couple wives. Suddenly everyone is all bent out of shape. So the FBI refused to give him security clearance. (Dozens of others, including Jared Kushner cannot get security clearances either.) Why should wife beating exclude a white guy from seeing every single top secret document that is directed to the prezident? This all seems so trivial when we have the Nunes memo – yet another thing the FBI tried to squash just because it threatened national security. This national security BS only matters when Democrats try to release memos.

Porter’s departure came after John Kelly said he was a great guy doing great work (even though Kelly had known for months that Porter had beaten two wives…that we know of), and before Hair Chrump bemoaned the unfair treatment of the accused wife beater (with not a word about the women he beat) and wished Porter well in his future endeavors. Some would have you believe that Porter’s departure was followed by another Chrump appointee – David Sorensen, a speechwriter under senior fascism policy advisor Stephen Miller – making his way out the door after he too was found to have abused his wife.

“Wife beater”, it’s not just a terrible name for
men’s undershirts anymore, now it’s a qualification
for cabinet-level positions in Chrump’s (Very) White (Male) House.

Who will now pre-digest everything like a momma bird for Little Chrump now? It’s not like Chrump wants anything to do with all this meaningless secret briefing mumbo-jumbo. He already knows more about intelligence than any expert. Experts are for losers. After all, the experts said he would lose the popular vote, and he ended up being the first president to win the popular vote with fewer votes than his opponent got. I’d like to see you try that. Chrump gets all the super-secret intel he needs from Fux and Friends. Those close to Der Furor say that reading is not his preferred style of learning. And our alternative sources tell us that learning is not Chrump’s preferred style of moving through life.

Chrump is quoted as saying, “I like [reading] as little as possible. I don't need, you know, 200-page reports on something that can be handled on a page.” You know, like the history of the Middle East conflict, or race relations in America, or the nuances of military and diplomatic strategies and why nuclear weapons can ruin your hair. Many people are saying that Chrump is simply illiterate. Who am I to argue? I prefer to think of him as a serving of peanut butter and mashed potatoes. What's in your wallet?

Chrump’s preferred style of getting his intel briefings

 

I. Mangrey reporting. Don’t miss Chrump’s next dozen worst-things-ever, coming soon.

Super Bowl v. Super Bowel

Winners And Loser

February 6, 2018

I’m still reveling in the triumph of my hometown’s professional sports mercenaries. If anything could make the Philadelphia Eagles multiple-record-breaking Super Bowl victory at the expense of Chrump’s favorite team better than it already is, it would be turning down Der Furor’s invitation to visit the very, very White House. It is a long standing tradition for the Super Bowl champions to get an invite from the president. The Eagles’ Malcom Jenkins, Chris Long and Torey Smith have already made clear their intention to decline the opportunity to be in the presence of hateness. You can bet that Donald Twitterhands will have something to say in the form of an incredibly hateful/stupid tweet.

Chrump and his hostage/wife hosted a Super Bowl viewing party at the Trump International Golf Club in West Palm Beach, Florida on Sunday night—complete with a private performance by college cheerleaders. I assume Melania was there to make sure hubby didn’t grab anything inappropriate, since she has stayed as far from Donald as possible since learning of his post-partum perfidy with Stormy Daniels. During his tremendous party, Der Furor took time to spew more racist hate at NFL players for respectfully exercising their First Amendment rights to peacefully and respectfully protest. I took a knee during the anthem as I prepared to watch the Eagles beat Team Chrump.

Chrump and a bunch of young women, what could go wrong?

Speaking of record-breaking accomplishments, Chrump can now claim the biggest, most beautiful single-day point loss for the Dow Jones. Ever. I look forward to Chrump taking credit for this awesome accomplishment. Or blaming it on Obama.

Thanks to the all the fake Nunes, we have learned some interesting things. We learned that Chrump can be in a room, at a table in a meeting with someone and never meet them. Nunes says that Chrump never met George Papadopoulos despite photographic evidence of Chrump, Papadopoulos and Jeff Sessions sitting at a small table with ten other men. We learned that Chrump did not meet at least one of his most cherished foreign policy advisors. Carter Page, self-described Russian advisor back in 2013, and introduced to the candidate by Jeff Sessions, was heralded by Chrump as a one of his "smart, serious people." Yet, according to Page, the two never met or communicated in any way.

It just keeps getting better and better, by which I mean worse and worse. Stay tuned for Chrump’s government shutdown, which he will also blame on Obama. He wants his wall and he wants it now. Der Furor said of the nation's immigration laws, “If we don't change it, let's have a shutdown. We'll do a shutdown and it's worth it for our country. I'd love to see a shutdown if we don't get this stuff taken care of.” Yeah, let’s do a shutdown. That’ll show ‘em Mr. Prezident.

This is the same brain damaged senile delinquent who called Democrats “treasonous” for failing to properly applaud his endless lies during his State Of The Shithole address. Now he is asking the Pentagon to plan a military parade. The world's oldest and most powerful toddler reportedly told the Pentagon, “I want a parade like the one in France.” Chrump is obviously needing to show everyone how big his hands are. Or his whatever.

I. Mangrey reheating.
                                                                                                           

A Pause in The Disaster

From the Home of The Super Bowl LII Champion Philadelphia EAGLES

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania
February 4, 2018

You’re welcome America. While your president has traded in patriots for Russians. The NFL has traded Patriots for EAGLES. EAGLES 41 Patriots 33

Congratulations to the Philadelphia Eagles – Super Bowl LII Champions!

Everyone here at Paying Attenton 

Super Sunday Smackdown

Final Non-Super Bowl-Related Thoughts

February 4, 2018

 

I. Mangrey receiving. Fly EAGLES Fly!

 

Looks Like Six More Weeks of Chrump

Chrump Blows Jobs

February 2, 2018

Groundhog Day – When our furry friend emerges from his
winter home, sees Chrump’s balding pate, and is paid $130K
to keep quiet about what he saw

Chrump, addressing both houses of Congress last week, blithely took credit for the tremendous economy he inherited from Barack Obama. Just as he told us that he started out in business with nothing – and by nothing, he meant millions of dollars his father gave him – Chrump now would have us believe that when he took office, the Dow Jones was at zero, and the economy was in the toilet. He appears to believe that thanks to all of his hard work and great deal making, and absolutely no golfing or collusion, no collusion, believe him, he saved the day.

Chrump also took credit for having the largest audience in history for a first SOTU even though Barack Obama, George W. Bush and Bill Clinton had more viewers. Chump was however, the first president to join in the applause for himself. At one point Chrump is seen beckoning Democrats to give him a standing ovation at one point.

Der Furor, heads back to Mor-on-Lago, wiped out after
acting presidential for 80 minutes at the SOTU

 

“I create jobs. And I always say, I will be the best jobs president God ever created.” God could not be reached for comment, but a close friend speaking on condition of anonymity and omnipotence said that God has been busy trying to bring back the dinosaurs in order to bring about a fresh start. “She – I know most people still foolishly think God is a guy – was originally hoping that Bernie Sanders was going to turn things around. Then after Hillary “won” the primary, she got pretty excited that the U.S. would finally have a woman president. I believe Her exact words were, “It’s about fucking time those yahoos had a woman running things.” After November 8, 2016 I almost never see God anymore. She rarely returns calls or answers prayers. Between you and me, I think She’s been hitting the sauce pretty heavily since that pussy-grabbing bigot took over. God actually asked me to just keep a list, but that was back in December 2016. I tried to keep it going, but I got overwhelmed and finally told Her I had other things to do. I thought She would be really pissed off, but I was surprised when She said, “Oh, to hell with it. I’ll get to it when I get to it. What are they gonna do, fire me? They don’t even have the slightest fucking clue who I am.” I told Her I would always be there for Her, but I just couldn’t devote all my time to the current project. We’re good though.”

Chrump has brought back some of those coveted coal jobs, while at the same time seeming to be overseeing the end of coal mining. You may remember that Der Furor claimed credit for the total absence of American airline fatalities in 2017. Some people – everyone else in the entire world not named Donald J. Chrump – find it ludicrous to attribute this statistic to any single person, let alone someone who weighs 400 pounds sitting on his bed, up to his neck in cheeseburgers, in the White House. In any event, there have been 15 coalmine fatalities since The Orange Gas Cloud took office. There were eight such deaths in all of 2016. We have yet to hear Der Furor take credit for this great accomplishment. At this rate we may simply run out of coal miners.

Mining advocates insist Chrump is partly responsible.  Chrump’s support for mine owners includes relaxed safety enforcement, scores of inexperienced new miners and inconsistent commitment to training programs and courses. Republicans in the House unsurprisingly want to cut mine safety budgets further, because isn’t mine safety just a communist plot after all? Chrump, who says he supports coal miners, has been silent on a Senate bill that would shore up miners' pensions.

Single, White Male Seeks Exit

Chrump seems to have had a tiny little hand in creating a few more great jobs. A record 30-plus Republican’ts (almost all old white men), including nine committee chairs, are leaving the House of Representatives in the run-up to the 2018 midterm elections. Three Republican’t senators have also decided to spend more time with families, pets, mistresses, attorneys, etc. rather than seek re-election.

Statistics are not yet conclusive as to which occupation – coal miner or member of Congress – presents greater health risks. The fact that many of these soon-to-be-ex-members of Congress are planning to work in coalmines has not been verified, but thanks to the newly obliterated regulations, no experience is necessary. Just be sure to update your wills fellas.

I. Mangrey retooling. Is it still a job if you do it for nothing?