Bringing You the Future Before It’s Too Late, Part III

Final Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle

Up the river with half a paddle
December 30, 2017

Where Will We Have Gone From Here

Well, here it is. The final installment of what to expect in 2018. With any luck, this will not be the last year we get to see. There’s no way to know for sure. Chrump will keep us guessing, gnashing our teeth, fighting to keep food down, losing sleep and fighting with all we have to keep America from being Chrump again.

Ed Venture
Editor-in-chief

August 31, 2018

“Hair” Of The Dog

August 2018 goes down as the hottest month on record. Across the country, roads melt partially swallowing cars, trucks and buses. Trains are forced to travel at speeds not to exceed 25 miles per hour because moving faster than this will heat the rails past their ability to retain a useable shape. Two dozen planes simply burst into flames in mid-air, causing thousands of flights to be cancelled and airfares to double. Thousands of people extracting money from ATM machines saw much of their paper money vaporize before they could get the bills into their pockets. The Wall Street Bull was reduced to a sprawling blob of bronze lava. There was much rejoicing by a quickly convened Occupy Wall Street reunion to mark the occasion.

Donald Chrump’s “hair”, like most plastics, lost its structural integrity and signature “shape”. Reports (and a single photo) surfaced that he sustained several severe burns from the melting substance. Chrump was not seen in public (not even on one of his very beautiful golf courses) for over a month, presumably until a team of mechanical engineers, sculptors and cosmeticians were able to reconstruct his “hair” sufficiently to fool the public into thinking things were back to “normal”, at least as far as the Royal Coif’s appearance.

Many people insisted this was a much better look

September 24, 2018

I, The People

I. Mangrey, concerned citizen and patriotic blogger once again “testifies” before a joint session of Congress. Again, he was not subpoenaed. His input was not sought in any way. In fact, authorities have no idea how he got past security and mysteriously appeared at the microphone. Mr. Mangrey timed his appearance with one of the few working days agreed to by the once-august body. Donning the customary attire in a vain attempt to blend in, Mr. Mangrey was unsurprisingly unable to maintain the faux air of dignity and ennui typical of the legislators he hoped to sway. Even sporting his only tie, borrowed suit and best eyebrows, it was not long before his valiant attempts at civility devolved into language that would have reddened Dick Cheney, punishing volume and hysterical laughter. Mangrey closed with:

“I am here today to help bring forth on our continent a new nation, conceived in Liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal. Fuck you idiots and your Moronarchy. We The People are mad as hell and we’re not going to take this anymore. Take your Obamacare-killing tax cuts, your white nationalist nutjobs, your tea-baggers, your Chrump and your Koch brothers and find another place to despoil. We’re back baby. And we are not going away. Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether this nation, or any nation so mired in money, misanthropy and manure, can long endure. We will endure. You will demur. And then you will be gone. Like slavery. Like the Polar ice cap. Like Sarah Palin. Like Harvey Weinstein. Don’t let our foot hit you on the way out. You don’t frighten us Republican’t pig-dogs. Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you so-called majority leader Mitch McConnell and all you silly sons-of-bitches. I don’t want to talk to you no more, you empty-animal-food-trough-wipers. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a turtle and your father smelled of elderberries. Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time. We are the majority.”

After that, he was again frog-marched out of the building and experts are still scratching their heads over the fact that he was not remanded over to authorities. Was it simply because he is white? Was it a coup? Perspiring minds want to know.

Some are saying that the marshals were too busy high-fiving Mangrey
and lining up for autographs and selfies.

And photobombing…

I doesn’t get out much

November 8, 2018

Make America Go Apeshit

On the second anniversary of losing the popular vote to Hillary Clinton (getting schlonged, as he would say), Chrump finally pivots. They kept saying he would do it. Many people said he would grow into the job and one day act like an adult, or at the very least like a mammal, rather than the rabid reptile he ran (and lived every moment of his life) as. No one could have anticipated that he would end up making the job grow into him.

What all of those very serious people could not have predicted, was the nature and severity of this eventual pivot. Many people could tell all along that the emperor’s clothes were, in reality, a straightjacket. That is why his necktie was so long; it was meant to go all the way past his tiny little pecker to be secured in the back. And the sleeves had yet to be properly secured. Until now.

Finally, something that fits properly.
Does it come in orange?

 

For anyone who thought they had already seen the extent of Der Furor’s stark raving insanity, they found that they had been sadly mistaken. Chrump releases a new line of hats – Make America Go Apeshit

One of the things that raised the level of concern to flaming red, was Chrump’s decision to annex Mexico.

Artist’s rendition of the ultimate Chrump pivot

December 25, 2018

Best Christmas Ever

Donald J. Chrump leaves office less than two years after his inauguration to a position he never really wanted, an office that most Americans voted to avoid letting him have. It only lasted 23 months, but it seemed like eons.

His legacy will haunt this nation for generations to come. We may never recover our global reputation – at least not the good parts. Our federal court system will be rife with unqualified, moronic fanatics with no sense of justice, no understanding of our Constitution, and no empathy for anyone not white, rich or a corporate entity.

The planet, which we have been abusing perpetually, but which many of us finally realized was suffering near-fatal illness as a result of our childish obsession with technology, might have been the most traumatized victim of the president-who-believed-the-whole-world-should-be-a-golf-course, except for all the coal mines he wanted opened and named after him.

Chrump, visibly shaken by his ultimate fall from disgrace, denies he ever was president:

The only thing more fake than the
Electoral College was Chrump University

Many people are saying that Chrump left in more disgrace than he entered with. He will not be missed. Many people also asked, "Can we go back to despising George W. Bush now?" We agree; the fact that Chrump was so much worse does not make Bush better.

December 31, 2018

Trumped Up Charges

After decades of scientists across the globe trying to get to the bottom of climate change, something quite unexpected emerged from all of the research. It did not matter what the focus of the study was. Whether looking at rising oceans, escalating storm intensity, increasingly hotter temperatures year after year, every study had one thing in common. The one thread that ran through every study was a surprise to all involved. The finding itself was not a surprise. The surprise was that this particular piece of data emerged from all of these studies that were seemingly unrelated to what was revealed. The science – real science, not the alternative science of climate change deniers, flat-Earthers and other Republican’ts – is now absolutely conclusive: Donald J. Chrump was a hoax. It could have been the Russians or the Chinese or some guy who weighs 400 pounds sitting on his bed in New Jersey, or simply the capricious act of a vengeful and bored-out-of-her-skull God, but a hoax nonetheless.

It turns out the “hair” was the most substantive
aspect of the Chrump phenomenon

The most appropriate response remains uncertain at this point since the discovery is so new. Though it is not difficult to believe, no one could have anticipated that such incontrovertible evidence would have emerged at this time. Though this discovery was in many ways assumed by many, we know of no one who has even begun to construct a strategy to mitigate this horrifyingly inconvenient truth.

And now, a little something to help you sleep at night…

This is what is known in the business as a good start.

Well, that’s it for Paying Attention in 2017 (unless something super crazy happens in the next 24 hours), and all we know about what to expect in 2018. For now, sit back and pour yourself a beverage; a nice hot cup of tea, a martini, maybe a hemlock smoothee. But remember, We are the Majority. Keep your Votegra dry for November 6^th when we wrest the Congress from the greedy, grubby, grotesque hands of the Republican’ts. They made Chrump. They love Chrump. They are Chrump. We have one more chance to make a government of the People, by the People and FOR the People again(?). Perhaps we shall not perish from the earth after all.

Ibraham Lincoln

In any event, make sure you have your Rent-a-Coma on hand. It’s flying off the shelves. And, now that you know what’s going to happen for the next 12 months, why put up with it when you can go into hibernation until the time is right?

From everyone here at Paying Attention:
Ed Venture, I. Mangrey, T. Doff and Shay King 

SPECIAL – MEMBERS ONLY BONUS VIDEO

 

Bringing You The Future Before It's Too Late, Part II

Further Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle

Here, There and Everywhere
December 28.5, 2017

Where We Will Have Gone From Here

Hopefully, you are sufficiently soused, fittingly fried, tremendously toasted, or otherwise appropriately altered as 2017 melts away like an M&M without its candy coating. If you have already started your Rent-A-Coma program and are not seeing this in a timely manner, welcome back – I hope you are feeling refreshed. In any event, welcome to Part II of our thee-part series on the way it will be in 2018. Buckle up. 

March 15, 2018

Steve Bannon: The Next Sarah Palin

Sarah Palin is caught in a men’s bathroom at the Wasilla YMCA. The video of Palin genuflecting in front of Steve Bannon was bad enough, but when it goes viral, things get even weirder for the Palin household. Sarah was fortunate to have nothing to step down from and dizzily went about her “business” after the humiliating event. Todd Palin is not so lucky. He is so distraught, he hires a small plane to get his message out…

Todd Palin comes out of the toolshed

 

In the same way John McCain caused the word-borne intellectual infection known as Sarah Palin, Don Chrump exposed the world beyond Breitbart subscribers to a previously unknown – part troll, part virus, part decomposing sea sponge – called Steve Bannon. Palin caused considerable brain damage across the nation, ultimately resulting in a significant across-the-board reduction in the national IQ, as evidenced by the ensuing Tea Party infection and subsequent Electoral College victory of The Orange Gas Cloud. It took quite a few years for the Palin to wear off, but now it is little more than an occasional rectal burning and some moderate cerebral swelling from time to time, when Palin manages to force her way into media coverage. For now, Bannon is all Chrumped up and spreading his political herpes hither and yon. He is feeling his oats, or maggots or whatever it is that fills his gullet. It sure ain’t Wheaties.

Bannon was unable to choose between the Palins, who unsurprisingly refused to share. Despondent over the loss of both Palins, and unable to propel his white nationalist minions to world domination, or even annexing Alabama, Bannon crawled back under his heavily funded rock and, after threatening to run for president, reverted back to licking himself to sleep and shunning daylight.
 

April 1, 2018

Chrump and Fux

Chrump joins Fux and Friends, “Let me tell you, I am draining the swamp like you would not believe. I’m also making the First Amendment great again by joining Fux News. I will make it the firstest amendment of all time. Mostly I’ll be phoning it in, like I always do, but you just never know when I might pop into the studio to give you the real fake news you really want. Who knows better than Donald J. Chrump what really goes on in the White House? Who you gonna believe, me or those slimy, crooked, fake reporters that hate me – and all of you out there – and keep swamping up everything with their stupid facts. I will still be tweeting like a blithering idiot, or a f*$&ing moron as General Kelly called me, but now you can also see me right here. Or, at least a picture of me, every morning. And probably for a few hours later in the day, before my very brilliant advisor, very brilliant, who knows many, many things and talks to me all the time, Sean Hannity is on. And also I will finally win that Emmy I always deserved and no one can stop me this time.”

Chrump needs to be on a couch, but not this one

Actual tweet

 

May 1, 2018

Chrump Loves Putts

Chrump invites Putin to stay at the White House with Melania while he shores up his golf game. “I love presidenting. I’ve been the best president in history so far. No one can deny that. Believe me. But I own the greatest golf courses in the world. I am doing so much amazing work it’s not even funny. But now that I have all this time to golf, I don’t think I’ll ever see the White House again, and not just because it’s such dump. I don’t think I could bring myself to go back in there when I own so many of the world’s best golf courses. I just want to stay on the golf course and work my ass off making great tee shots, or at least making it look that way on my scorecard. I really just want to spend time working on my putts.” Someone with intimate knowledge of Chrump’s habits, who spoke to us allegedly, confirmed what we already knew, “The only thing Chrump cares more about than his “hair” is his putts.”

Chrump being Chrump
 

June 25, 2018

Alternative Fake News

Comedy Central’s totally excellent, incredibly ultra-realistic The President Show airs a 24 hour marathon, which somehow is aired simultaneously all day on Fux News. Most Chrump supporters cannot tell the difference between Comedy Central’s real Chrump and the very fake one they managed to get into the White House as our first part-time president. Chrump’s approval rating spikes above 25 percent for the first time in months. His disapproval rating remains at 99 percent. It is assumed that many Chrump supporters are not only illiterate, but too stupid to answer a simple polling question.

The very real fake president takes the helm.
 

July 4, 2018

Look Before You Eat

Fast food junkie and piñata president Donald Chrump mistakes his own brain for a chicken nugget and pops the shriveled sweetbread into his gaping maw. It ends in disaster, as he survives the episode little worse for the wear. What he later describes as “the greatest hiccup marathon in history.”

Chrump develops near fatal case of hiccups after swallowing his own brain

 

The best thing that comes out of this incident is some of the most cogent tweeting ever from president #45.

 

Many people are saying that this is the new Independence Day. The beginning of the end of Chrump’s Moronarchy. One of the millions of innocent bystanders said, “I hope we will finally be seeing the end of Chrump as we know it. I hope he really is so satisfied with all his “accomplishments” that he packs it in and finally goes back to Mor-on-Lago for good. Maybe he knows he will never see the end of his first term. Who cares? As long as he is leaving the White House…or what’s left of it.”

                                                         *****

Go and have a nap or a concussion, maybe some Prozac. There is a good chance Part III is coming soon – we’ve got the 8 Ball in overdrive and you will not want to miss what’s left of the future.

Ed Venture, T. Doff, I. Mangrey and Shay King continue bringing you the future before it gets away.

Bringing You The Future Before It's Too Late, Part I

Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle

The End (of The Year) is Near

Everybody knows this is Nowhere
December 26, 2017

Where Will We Have Gone From Here

The gang here at Paying Attention has been trying our hand at divining the year to come. In reality – as if that’s still a thing – nobody can predict the future…as if that’s still a thing. Nonetheless, we will put our beautifully dubious reputation on the line to tell it like it will be. Our record so far has been as good as anyone’s since our first foray into Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle back in 2013.

I. Carnac, questioning all the answers that will be given in 2018.

In this case, it is the Year of Our Chrump 2020…I mean 2018 (this is the type of convenient memory modification that can be yours when you use Rent-A-Coma). Many people are saying that this will have been one of the worst years ever. And, that is after limping through 2016 and then 2017, which even more people are saying was the worst year ever. In the same way that thanks to global warming each successive year is the hottest year on record, 2017 will one day be known as the onset of Global Worsening – if we are lucky enough to be able to look back on it. It hardly seems possible that we are poised to have survived an entire year of a Chrump Moronarchy. We at Paying Attention are hoping that 2018 will not in fact be the Last Year, but are not holding our breath as The Orange Gas Cloud hits its stride. Right now it looks pretty unpromising.

For the past eight days we’ve been working the old Ouija Board, Tarot Cards, crystal balls aplenty and of course the venerable Magic 8 Ball, searching the ether for clues of what’s to come.

Many people are wondering what will become of the future as it labors frantically to become the present, and ultimately the past that can be conveniently and completely forgotten, rinsed and repeated.

January 1, 2018

Chrumpy New Year

Chrump takes to the airwaves, “Nobody could have predicted that 2018 would be happening right after 2017. I am calling this New Year’s Day. I think that’s a pretty good idea. Am I right? Too bad no one ever thought of this before. That’s why I’m in charge. I have a very good brain. I will be spending the rest of the winter at Mor-on-Lago and I’ll be back at my Summer Resort at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue when I’m good and ready. When you’re the president you can do whatever you want and they let you get away with it. You can talk about sexually assaulting women, then pretend to apologize for saying it, and then say you never said what absolutely everyone everywhere heard you say thanks to an Access Hollywood video/audio tape, not to mention eye witnesses. You can pretend to be presidential and con…I would say everyone, into thinking you’re not the loudmouthed, clueless, con-artist bigot you’ve been showing everyone you really are. And if all else fails, you can grab ‘em by the p*$$y. It always worked for me.”

So I grabbed it, so sue me. I never lose. Believe me. Believe me.



January 11, 2018

Moving on Chrump Like a Bitch

Don Chrump and Vlad Putin have been tabloid fodder for quite some time. The mutual admiration society they have shown the world since Chrump threw his “hair” into the ring for president has only grown over time. Many people are saying that though Don has repeatedly expressed his undying admiration for Vlad, Chrump’s idol, the feeling has been less than mutual. They are saying that though Chrump’s love is real, Putin is simply whispering sweet nothings in the hopes of getting the unsuspecting American to bend over and give him what he really wants. Finally, this one-way romance will be consummated – even it if is strictly business.

What do you say we blow this pop stand Don? I have beautiful limo right outside.

 

Don and Vlad suddenly disappeared from an impromptu press event at Mor-on Lago. Not even the Secret Service noticed that their charge, code-named “The Great and Powerful Mr. Chrump Sir”, had given them the slip. When they resurfaced some time later, the two leaders were wearing each other’s ties. Putin got his mark to sign off on several important concessions, including a promise to let Putin write some new laws just like all the other lobbyists do, kissed him goodnight and did not call the next morning. Baby Donald took to twitter…

February 25, 2018

Trophy Wife Womans Up

Hot on the heels of her hubby’s infidelity, Melania Chrump announces she is stepping down as First Lady. “This is not how I wanted to spend my late forties. Donald was not supposed to win. It was meant as a joke, just to get back at Barack Obama for refusing to admit being born in Kenya and because he is black. Donald just wanted some attention. I mean, grabbing women by the p*$$y is one thing, I can tolerate this. He tells me he is very rich…constantly. But, all of this politics business is too much for me. And he has no idea what he is doing. He is not very bright. I am relinquishing my crown and sash and letting Ivanka take over as First Lady for me. She’s not doing anything anyway and she enjoys prancing around pretending to be someone with something to offer. I am not wanting to leave Mr. Chrump…I mean Donald – my contract does not permit me to do that anyway. And I love him very much; this is very true. You have seen him in public and on Twitter. Imagine what he is like in private. Such a wonderful man. I will say that I love him until he finds his next wife. And then I am not permitted to say anything to anyone for 50 years.”

The happy couple

Go and get a stiff drink and gird your loins folks, we’re just getting started. I predict Part II is coming soon.

Ed Venture, T. Doff, I. Mangrey and Shay King bringing you the future before it’s too late.

Seven Deadly Words

Words And Stones…

December 22, 2017

George Carlin was one of the 20^th Century’s greatest, most socially insightful comedians. Some of you might remember his Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television from 1972. It was a great bit, in the spirit of the groundbreaking Lenny Bruce. Just for the record – obviously I would never knowingly engage is such inappropriate language – the words Carlin highlighted were: shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, and tits. Disgraceful, but poignant. These words continue to be verboten, but it was apparently acceptable to air The Apprentice.

The 21^st Century’s groundbreaking, unintentional comedian/president, Donald Chrump is trying his hand at parody. One assumes. Since Chrump already knows exactly what you can and cannot talk about grabbing on television, he decided to try his hand at censoring government agencies. The indisputably intentional authoritarian Chrump has already purged the agency formerly known as the Environmental Protection Agency (now the Environmental Prostitution Agency) of the phrase “Climate Change”. Der Furor’s latest attempt at dictatorship/humor involves the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), and is clearly an homage to George Carlin. Unsurprisingly, Chrump’s sense of homage is intended more to humiliate than to honor. Behold Chrump’s Seven Words You Can Never Use in Official Documents. Positively hysterical. And not the funny hysterical.

I guess I’m feeling a bit hysterical myself. Can you tell?

 

The forbidden words are “vulnerable,” “entitlement,” “diversity,” “transgender,” “fetus,” “evidence-based” and “science-based.” George Orwell is saying, “I told you so”, in his grave.

Alternative phrases were provided for some of the banned words. Instead of “science-based” or “evidence-based,” the suggested phrase is “CDC bases its recommendations on science in consideration with community standards and wishes,” the person said. In other cases, no replacements were immediately offered. Our sources have learned that in place of “transgender”, government agencies are to use the phrase “Bible-hating liberals pretending to be something they’re not in order to disrupt our nation’s bathroom protocols”, and to replace “fetus” with “very, very young children still living at womb”. The word “diversity” will be replaced with “unauthorized religious or racial variations destroying the God’s intended whiteness of the America Jesus created by virtue of the original uninvited inhabitants of this great white land.”

In addition, our highly placed anonymous alternative sources have uncovered a list of soon-to-be forbidden words. Next on the Do-Not-Say List will be, “intelligence,” “elections,” “Democrats,” “tiny-hands,” “CNN,” MSNBC,” “environment,” “Russian-interference,” “sexual-harassment” and “Mueller”. Replacements for some of these words have already been prepared for implementation. For example, “intelligence” will be replaced with “fake thinking”, “environment” with “raw materials for making corporations wealthier since we can’t possibly give them bigger tax breaks”. “Sexual-harassment” will be swapped for “guys being guys and acting out locker room talk, so deal with it girls”, and “Mueller” with “crazy conspiracy theorist who is now safely locked up and won’t be causing any more trouble after he tried to hurt the all-knowing and totally innocent Mr. Chrump.”

All I can say is shit, fuck, piss, crap, motherfucker, Chrump. And I can assure you that I never watched one minute of The Apprentice.

 

I. Mangrey rephrasing.                                                                                                  

                                                                              

Stay tuned for Paying Attention’s exciting predictions for 2018 (That’s still a thing, right?).

He Rode a Blazing Saddle*

Since He Won’t Go Away Quietly, We Must Continue to Insult Him

December 20, 2017

Roy Moore, now a week after his stunning albeit well deserved defeat at the polls, refuses to concede the race. He is still waiting for God to make him a senator. Literally. Since the voters did not. Someone should tell him how elections work. And sex crimes. And fraud. Speaking of fraud, did you know that besides all his other distinctive “qualities” Roy Moore acquired over a million dollars (not counting the hundreds of thousands he had funneled to his family) from his charity, the Foundation for Moral Law? The charity has “employed” two of his children and his wife. Moore said that he did not take a salary from the foundation, but what do you know, his non-salary for part-time “work” amounted to one million dollars – apparently not properly accounted for at tax time – between 2007 and 2012. All of this not-getting-paid seems to have bankrupted Moore’s little cash cow. He says his charity now owes him more than $500K in back pay. God must be so proud of him.

I am not sure exactly what Moore’s foundation does besides paying him and his family large sums of money. Very likely, it does important work like curing or killing gay people and matching up assistant district attorneys with available teens in their area. It is probably also involved in making sure voting is difficult, if not impossible, for Alabama’s non-white citizens.

Now Moore is trying to get his faithful idiots to send him more money to fund his non-existent vote recount. The only thing that will get recounted is the money they send him, which will be recounted into his bank account. I wonder if he also has a Jew accountant to go with his Jew lawyer.

*It wasn’t technically a blazing saddle; it’s just that it held a flaming asshole.

In other news of the mentally and morally defective…

Mueller’s Got Mail
            or
Adding Ignorance to Idiocy 

Chrump’s lawyers, who now number in the thousands, are up in arms over emails. And this time the emails do not belong to Hillary Clinton. Some of you may remember that Chrump was begging Russian hackers to illegally obtain Clinton’s emails in order to disclose them to the American public, most of whom were sick of her damn emails. Apparently, it is acceptable to Der Furor for the Russians to hack Clinton’s emails, but not for the American intelligence to legally obtain his. Chrump’s attorneys are claiming that Mueller obtained Chrump transition team emails, which by definition are the property of the American people, “unlawfully.”

The almost endless investigation of Hillary Clinton had once again reached the same conclusion it had reached countless times before – that there was not malfeasance. Chrump, on the other hand, is currently under investigation for conspiring with our enemy (some might consider this treason) to defraud the American public of a legitimate election, among other things.

I. Mangrey refreshing.

A Clear and President Danger

We Are What He Eats

December 16, 2017

Many people are tremendously looking forward to our excellent annual predictions for the year that has yet to be. This year, more than any year in the history of years, there is no guarantee that the year ahead will ever see the light of day, let alone reach its own conclusion.

Though our track record for predictions has been incredibly terrific, we had a serious, albeit delightful hiccup, when the most unlikely political event since the Electoral College victory of Donald Chrump shocked the world earlier this week. That, of course, was the stunning victory of Doug Jones over the most disgraceful candidate for national office since Chrump – assumed pedophile Roy Moore.

Here is the prediction we are happier than Roy Moore at a junior high dance to be wrong about:

January 10, 2018

God’s Senator Takes a Stand

On the heels of Roy Moore’s big victory, Moore begins his time in the Senate by shooting Mitch McConnell in the back. As colleagues on both sides of the aisle looked on in horror, Moore tumbled off his horse, shot himself in the crotch, and declared himself the new Majority Leader of the Senate. No one argued at the time, but the ensuing Senate session was open-carry. There was a brief standoff, which came frighteningly close to a shoot-out. The good news is that no business was conducted as the entire session was little more than daily stand-offs. After McConnell’s untimely demise, neither side was taking anything for granted. Moore’s biggest, dimmest supporter took to Twitter to give his take:

 

We apologize for this unfortunate prognosticatory error, but clearly, less Moore is better. Back to the news of the present…

Chrump the Media Masturbator

Things have not gone as well for Donald Chrump as he expected. The winning he promised himself has not materialized outside of his rapidly liquefying brain. In his mind, everything is just the way he planned it. He is immune to reality. Unfortunately, reality is not immune to him and at this point it is fighting a rapidly spreading malignancy, and has just lost its healthcare. If you are still stubbornly tethered to reality, however tenuously, you may be experiencing some discomfort.

However great again Chrump imagines he has made America, some part of him knows all is not peaches and cream – despite his peachy complexion with the cream-colored eye areas. When Der Furor gets upset, he pleasures himself by getting Coked up and watching television, vast quantities of television. No one has watched this much television since Chauncey Gardener.

How great America?

A recent report documents how before taking office, Chrump instructed top aides to “think of each presidential day as an episode in a television show in which he vanquishes rivals.” I am relieved to see the strength of Der Furor’s grasp of reality television. However, I am not sure how to read his plan since there has yet to be one single day since January 20^th that anyone could possibly categorize as ‘presidential’. Nonetheless, many people are saying that there might be something wrong with Der Furor. There are also reports that he watches between four and eight hours of television a day, while binging on Diet Cokes – reportedly a dozen in a day. Where does he even find the time to watch all that television? Chrump recently pushed back at the fake news, telling a reporter, “I don’t get to watch much television. Primarily because of documents. I’m reading documents. A lot.” (actual lie…I mean quote) What with all the documents he imagines he is reading, all the giant signatures he has to make with his tiny little hands, the constant golf outings and making himself look so pretty, it’s a wonder he even has time to eat two McDonald’s Fish Filets and two Big Macs at a sitting. And all those Cokes. Clearly, Chrump’s body is less temple than trash heap.

It is fortunate that he has someone who brings his sugary drinks right to his face sphincter. Imagine if he had to stand up and get his own drinks. By the way Don, not sure what the Coke is doing, but the diet-thing – clearly not working for ya.

I. Mangrey reputing.