Two For the Goad

I Am a Big Fan

March 1, 2019

“Why do people think that Trump has surrounded himself with a lawyer goon squad for 40 years?  Whether it’s Roy Cohn or Michael Cohen.  The company Trump has kept includes the American mafia, the Russian mafia, arms traders, pedophiles, money launderers, and other people involved in white collar crime.  When you surround yourself with those sorts of people, engaged in those sorts of actions, your lawyers will be very aggressive.  They do things like put out an NDA for basically anyone Trump comes in contact with because they know he’s been a consistent scumbag.”
                                      Sarah Kendzior, January 20, 2018

If you are not aware of journalist, author and scholar on authoritarian states Sarah Kendzior, she can always be counted on for astute observation, and some of the best words, like “…Michael Cohen, this sort of mobster-multi-tasker who's just another one of these Slime coated barnacles stuck on the bottom of this Teflon-Titanic we call the Trump administration.” 

Sarah K, laying some serious schmuck-down on our putz of a prezident

 

More recently Kendzior observed, “Trump may have been in trouble. A great way to get out of trouble is if you're the president of the United States and you can pack the courts, you can purge agencies, you can rewrite the laws so you can be immune from prosecution, as well as filling your own autocratic objectives and partnering with autocrats around the world which is what he's done. This is a transnational crime syndicate masquerading as government.” 

I love that kind of talk. 

Another not-so-happy camper is Elie Mystal, who is always animated, clearly annoyed for some reason, and never pulls any punches.  Mystal recently included this tidbit during a segment on MSNBC, “SDNY (Southern District of New York) is going to be part of Donald Trump 's life for the rest of his natural life. SDNY is coming at Trump like syphilis. It's gonna make him crazy, and it's never going away.” 

Mystal, bringin’ the pain to our painful prezident

Many people are already saying that Chrump may be in the throes of syphilis since, 1) he is known to have avoided using condoms while having sex with porn stars, among others, and 2) he currently seems to be in the throes of dementia and does not seem to know where he is or what he is saying most of the time, and 3) seriously, forget what is happening inside his head, what the fuck is going on atop his head?

Nonetheless, Elie Mystal has a way with words.

I. Mangrey relaying.  Donald Chrump – the syphilis of presidents.

Afterthought For The Day

Post-Post-Racist America

February 28, 2019

        Ralph Northam’s yearbook page   Tweedle Shit and Tweedle Fuck          ……  
Which is more offensive?

Yesterday, during Michael Cohen’s testimony before the House Oversight Committee, Rep. Mark Meadows (R-NC) became melodramatically offended by a Muslim colleague, who was offended by Meadows parading one of Chrump’s two African American aides in front of the committee as proof that Chrump was not a racist.  Meadows went ballistic after Rep. Rashida Tlaib (D-MI) accused Meadows of using the woman as a prop.  

Fun Fact:

Today, two videos found their way onto the internets showing Meadows saying, “2012 is the time we are going to send Mr. Obama home to Kenya or wherever it is.”  Many people who are not Mark Meadows find such statements racially insensitive.

In other news of stupid white people, the wife of Virginia Governor Ralph Northam (the guy who may or may not be pictured in the medical yearbook photo above), Virginia first lady Pam Northam handed a ball of cotton to an African American eight-grader on a tour of the governor’s mansion and asked the group, “Can you imagine being an enslaved person and having to pick this all day?”  Some people who are not Pam Northam find such statements racially insensitive.  I guess we should be thankful she did not call them indentured servants, which her husband did as a youthful indiscretion two weeks ago. 



Gary Clark, Jr. - This Land



This has been your Paying Attention Afterthought For The Day.

You're welcome.

What is your afterthought for the day?

Mike Drop

It Takes a Liar To Catch a Liar

February 28, 2019

This week, America – and much of the electronically-connected world – was treated to the long-awaited appearance of former personal attorney to long-time criminal and now president Donald J. Chrump, Michael Cohen before the House Oversight Committee.  When Republican’ts ran the committee, they were singularly focused on overlooking, not oversight.  Committee chairman Deven Nunes went so far as to break the law by keeping Donald Chrump in the loop.  As new House Oversight Committee Chairman Elijah Cummings said, “The American people, by the way, voted for accountability in November and they have a right to hear Mr. Cohen in public so they can make their own judgments.  Ladies and gentlemen, the days of this committee protecting the president at all costs are over.”  It sounds like someone has decided that the Constitution is more important than the man in the White House.

Mike and Don in happier times – two pea brains in a pod

Lest anyone think Chrump is the only problem, remember that Cohen was also vice-chairman of the Republican’t National Committee until the summer of 2018 (two months after he left the employ of Chrump).  Some of the dirty deeds Cohen carried out at the behest of, and strictly to the benefit of his boss are well known to everyone not in a coma.  But, never forget how deeply complicit the entire Republican’t party has been in jettisoning the Constitution in favor of propping up their petty tyrant.  Even now, they had no interest in asking Cohen pertinent questions about the issues at hand, but merely continued to shill for their Criminal-in-chief.  One after another, Republican’t after Republican’t used their time to attack Cohen and stand up for the slithering shit-weasel they call president.

Many pundits, were predicting that this would be Michael Cohen as modern day John Dean.  Dean, special counsel to the president under Richard Nixon ultimately decided that he could no longer act as Nixon’s protector.  In the end, Dean cooperated with authorities, and was instrumental in bringing Nixon’s elaborate Watergate cover-up to its ignominious finale.

Nixon was famously trying to cover up what he wistfully referred to as a “third-rate burglary” whereas Chrump is desperately trying to hold onto his third-rate presidency.  Nixon claimed, “I am not a crook.”  Chrump, being in possession of the best words, prefers “No COLLUSION.”

John Dean seemed like a relatively decent guy (he was not exactly squeaky clean before signing on with Nixon) who went to work for a paranoid, revenge-obsessed, sociopath.  Michael Cohen seems to have led – like the man who was his boss from 2006 until May 2018 – a life of sleazery, and only decided to do the right thing after he got caught and faced a long prison sentence.  Everything we saw of Cohen prior to his turning state’s evidence was a dim thug, slavishly loyal to the most dishonest and disloyal boss anyone could ever ask for.  Yes, Michael Cohen is a lying sleaze-bag, but if there is anyone worse than Cohen, it is surely Donald J. Chrump.  Chrump’s lie total is rapidly approaching 9,000.  Congressman Jamie Raskin (D-MD) put things in perspective, “Thank you for your composure today, Mr. Cohen.  Our [Republican’t] colleagues aren't upset because you lied to Congress for the president.  They're upset because you've stopped lying to Congress for the president.”

Cohen’s public testimony not only implicated Chrump in innumerable criminal activities before, during and after his presidential campaign, but hinted at a number of issues he was unable to talk about because other investigations into Chrump’s possible crimes were ongoing.  Cohen also left a trail of breadcrumbs for the committee and others to follow.

It seems that Cohen has grabbed world famous pussy Donald Chrump by the balls.  I guess if you are a former fixer for a star they let you do it.  Especially when the object of your affliction is half a world away courting a ruthless dictator who said nice things about you.  Chrump had to cut his date with Kim Jong Un short because he was too distracted by Cohen’s testimony without making a really, really great deal – in fact, he made no deal at all.  No one is sure if Chrump skipped out on the check.

As he was leaving Vietnam, Chrump told reporters, “I guess I was surprised that Lyin’ Mike – that very dishonest scumbag who worked for me as my personal attorney, who knew everything and did everything for me for over 10 years – told those guys that he didn’t see any collusion.  I guess he’s not so smart after all.  He’s too stupid to know collusion when it’s right in his face…I mean, NO COLLUSION.”  Unfortunately, this may all be just another day in the political climate crisis that is the Chrump Era.

I. Mangrey reporting.

She Too

February 26, 2019 

Gropey the Clown  

Once again, Donald Chrump finds himself accused of sexual harassment/assault.  This of course is nothing new.  Everyone knows, though quite a few excuse, the fact that Chrump has sexually harassed and/or assaulted some unknown number of women over many years.  This is described as fact because Chrump himself was caught on tape happily describing one of his techniques.  When he is not busy telling people (while being videotaped on television talk shows) that he would be dating his daughter if he could, he is bragging about, or acting out his physical attacks on women who are definitely not his daughter.  A number of his mistresses, dates and victims related that Chrump told them they reminded him of Ivanka.  And yet despite all of this, he still resides in the White House, while many others have been caused to leave long-held positions as a result of behavior similar, and in some cases less severe than Chrump’s. 

The White House, via Sarah Slanders, has countered saying, “This accusation is absurd on its face.”  Hardly.  Many others find such an accusation nothing short of expected.  Remember, Chrump is the man who said, “I’m automatically attracted to beautiful women — I just start kissing them, it’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab 'em by the pussy.”  But he “fell in love” with Kim Jong Un. 

Alva Johnson, the former Chrump campaign staffer and his most recent accuser, claims that as he exited an RV outside his rally for deplorables in Tampa on August 24, 2016, her then-boss grabbed her hand and leaned in to kiss her on the lips.  Johnson sensed trouble and turned her head in time to avoid being kissed head-on, and was merely grazed.  She was not physically injured, but one imagines the emotional trauma might be incalculable.  Johnson kept quiet for fear of violating her non-disclosure agreement.  And the Orange One did not even offer the customary $130K silence pay-off.  How insulting. 

The face that lunged a thousand chicks;
Chrump’s come-slither look 

I must have missed all the Republican’ts screaming for Chrump to step down because of this (not the other dozen or so, we have known about for over two years) very credible accusation.   

Anyone remember Al Franken?  Accusations were all it took for Democrats to hit the panic button, insist he resign, and for Franken to acquiesce despite a presumption of innocence and his request to undergo an official investigation.  Chrump has been accused by more women of more loathsome offenses than Franken – who reminded everyone of this fact during his farewell address, “I of all people am aware that there is some irony in the fact that I am leaving, while a man who has bragged on tape about his history of sexual assault sits in the Oval Office…”   

Where are all the good faith-based Republican’ts who so cherish holy matrimony?  Are they too busy coveting their neighbors’ wives and/or various adult entertainers cast a stone?  Are there none ready, willing and/or able to speak up for their beliefs? 

I. Mangrey reporting.  I’m watching and I'm waiting, hoping for the best.                                  

                                                                                

Climate Crisis Crisis

Happer Happens

February 23, 2019

America’s favorite very stable genius has done it again.  Chrump is bringing in another of his “the best people”, this time we get one William Happer to lead a climate change (crisis) panel.  To the surprise of no one, he tapped not just your average everyday climate crisis denying moron, but one who believes that carbon emissions are an asset.

Why do you hate your children and grandchildren?

William Happer said this on live television in 2009, “The demonization of carbon dioxide is just like the demonization of the poor Jews under Hitler.  Carbon dioxide is actually a benefit to the world, and so were the Jews.”   

While I have to admit that at first blush I was thrilled to hear someone in the Chrump administration not being anti-Semitic, there might be some unpacking to do here before breaking out the Manischewitz.  Does Happer think it was only the poor Jews who were subjected to Hitler’s extermination policy?  Does he think that Jews are not people, but actually gasses?  Or maybe that carbon dioxide is a religion?

Carbon dioxide or Jews at Auschwitz?  Who can even tell the difference?

Happer is a physicist, which surprisingly did not disqualify him from heading Chrump’s fake panel.  We are supposed to believe that Chrump created the panel to re-evaluate the national security risks of climate change.  Happer might want to know that in 2016 a bipartisan group of military experts – the Climate Security Consensus project – released a statement and two reports warning that climate change poses a significant risk to U.S. national security.  The argued that the effects of climate change will put a strain on water, food and energy supplies, which could result in “unique and hard-to-predict security [national and international] risks.”  Their 2016 statement argued that the United States “must advance a comprehensive policy for addressing this risk.”  Somebody please let me know when this starts.

As a quick aside, here is Sen. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA), who I do not think is a climate crisis denier, oldsplaining Washington, DC to a group of young children concerned about their future:

She is better than you because she just won a big election.
Now, where have I heard that tune before?  

We Now Return You To Our Regularly Scheduled Moron Already in Progress… 

Happer served under George H.W. Bush as director of the Office of Energy Research in the Department of Energy.  He was subsequently fired by Vice President Al Gore, reportedly for his refusal to support Gore’s views on climate change.  Happer also helped found the CO2 Coalition, a nonprofit created to publicize the benefits of carbon dioxide.  There is no confirmation of accusations that Happer tortures small animals, thinks coal is a food group, and believes that Donald Chrump’s “hair” color is natural.

I guess I will have to admit to being a William Happer denier.  There is simply no way that this shit-for-brains sonofabitch actually exists.

I. Mangrey vomiting.          

Abandon Chrump

Righting The Shit of State

February 21, 2019

According to reports based on reliable sources, maybe not as reliable as Putin (who Chrump trusts more than our nation’s intelligence community), but reliable nonetheless, everyone around Der Furor is reaching the end of their ropes.  All except the only two people he listens to – Ivanka and Jared.  They of course, have to be very careful if they want to stay in the will.  As if there will be anything left after dear old dad finishes paying off all his legal expenses.  And the Russians.  And some as yet to be determined number of porn stars or other women who have credibly accused him of sexual assault or harassment.

Donald Chrump, rockin’ his Third Rate “presidency”

Of course, most of Chrump’s best people have already abandoned the New Titanic for one reason or another, one way or another.  Some have been asked, told or tweeted to move on.  Not a single one has been fired by Donald “You’re Fired” Chrump himself, since he does not have the balls to confront anyone face-to-face.  Some (not very many) have moved on to other jobs (or at least tried to), some have moved on to spend more time with their families, or to start them.  Some have decided (with help from Mueller) to spend time in jail, which one assumes is easily better than spending one more second with Chrump.

A non-insignificant number of Chrump appointees, alright, a stunningly large number – most likely a record number – left under varying numbers of clouds and/or indictments.  And remember, these are the best people.  And Chrump clearly gathered many of them to his side.  To be fair, Chrump could not have known so many of them would get caught.

Our imaginary sources report that several unfortunate souls who have not yet found a way out have submitted self-incriminating evidence to Mueller’s office, hoping they can get some cozy jail time rather than stay on in Chrump’s nightmare on Pennsylvania Avenue. 

One aide, still working on his exit strategy told Paying Attention reporter T. Doff, “I just can’t take another minute working for this lunatic.  When he’s not away golfing or here watching television or on the toilet tweeting, which thankfully is most of the time, he wanders around screaming – sometimes at someone in particular, but usually at thin air.  If you think he’s a weird color when he’s prepped, you should see him when he’s raving.  I literally worry that he’s going to burst into flames.  He’s constantly comparing hand size with everyone he sees and asking everyone how his “hair” looks.  Is he fucking kidding?  Even when that shit’s glued into place, it looks like it’s been arranged with a Mixmaster.  I don’t care if I never work anywhere again.  I’d rather be sentenced to two years of root canal.  The only good thing is, I somehow managed to avoid signing a non-disclosure agreement – the rumor is even Melania’s kid had to sign one.  So you’ll be hearing a lot more from me once I have procured my freedom.  I truly hope that one day I’ll be able to look at myself in the mirror without throwing up.  I don’t know what the hell I was thinking.  This guy is a clown and a major asshole…in case you haven’t noticed.”

I. Mangrey reporting.

Crisis Me a River

Nice Planet You Got There, Shame if Something Happened To It
 

February 18, 2019

Stop saying ‘climate change.’  It is a climate crisis.  Change is generally normal.  And the word change is ambivalent.  This is not normal.  There is nothing ambivalent here. This is a crisis.  Crisis bad.

Too many people – mostly ill-informed and/or voluntarily ignorant people – hear climate change, and for one reason or another think of someone on the teevee telling them how hot or cold it will be this week.  Or they think of a braindead senator from Oklahoma brandishing a snowball on the Senate floor in February, claiming the end of global warming.

His given middle name is “Mountain”, his functional middle name is “Shitforbrains”

On the one hand, they might have a point believing that science is stupid.  After all, the fact that they are still alive and continue to reproduce does seem to be evidence that Darwin’s Theory of evolution, survival of the fittest, must be mistaken.

Cover of NOVA transcript from Dec 20, 1983 (yes, I still have it)

From NOVA, originally broadcast Dec 20, 1983:

Narrator: Weather.  Everybody talks about it.  From season to season, we have an idea of what to expect.  But now, a growing number of atmospheric scientists are convinced that the climate is likely to change – and change dramatically.

The reason is an odorless, colorless gas, produced when we burn fossil fuels – petroleum, natural gas or oil – in the engines which power our world.  It is called carbon dioxide.

Scientists now believe that increased quantities of carbon dioxide in the atmosphere are leading to a significant warming of our planet, possibly within the next few years.

That was 1983, for those of you who are Chrump supporters or other Chrumpublicans, or even anti-science Independents, that was over 35 years ago.  A few years as far as planets go, but almost two human generations ago.  And still, people like yourself remain too stupid to allow the rest of us to take the sensible path forward and protect the one planet we know we can count on to feed, clothe and shelter us.  For now.

People much smarter than you – or me, for that matter – were sounding the alarm.  Fossil fuel corporations like Exxon, General Electric (among others) were already getting out ahead of the warnings by burying research that showed that these warnings were quite real, and buying up and burying patents for technologies that would replace fossil fuels with renewable resources. Oddly enough, the episode was entitled “The Climate Crisis.”  Crisis.  Did I mention this aired in 1983?

According to a recent poll, 81% of registered voters – including 91% of Democrats, 80% of Independents, and 69% of Republican’ts are in favor of regulating carbon dioxide as a pollutant.  Completely unperturbed, the man single-handedly keeping the hairspray industry afloat, the man so orange Sunkist has begged him to be their mascot, the man so ignorant village idiots point at him derisively, Donald Chrump apparently does not see climate.  Or the Constitution.  Or over 60% of Americans.  Or his useless pecker (the one that does not own the National Enquirer) without a mirror. 

Chrump, exhausting.  Do not check out the back end.

Mr. Chrump, think of this as climate terror or maybe a caravan of killer climates trying to take over our towns and cities.  I know that you are frustrated because you cannot build a wall to keep this caravan from invading.  Although, you did want to build a wall to stop the ocean from invading your soon-to-be-bankrupt golf course in Scotland, you know, the one you badgered, bullied and evicted people to force on the Scottish people, while destroying beautiful, environmentally sensitive countryside/coastline.  Wake up you arrogant, ignorant slob.  John F. Kennedy wanted America to go to the moon.  You are lucky to make it to the bathroom, which is probably why you spend most of your day there.

 



“The only national emergency is that our president is an idiot.”
Former Chrump fan girl, Ann Coulter – February 15, 2019

Of course, aimless Annie also tweeted,

A lying liar standing up for the very honest republican’t party

I. Mangrey, green with fury.  Green New Deal, bitches.

Make Mars Great Again

Opportunity Lost

February 16, 2019

NASA announced Wednesday that its Mars land rover Opportunity has died after 15 years. The six-wheeled vehicle’s death is being attributed to a severe dust storm, according to the Associated Press.  Opportunity's last message to scientists was basically, 'My battery is low and it's getting dark.'

Chrump heard the news of Opportunity’s “disappearance” and immediately insisted it had been stolen.  “There’s a lot of bad hombres up there, that I can tell you.  That’s why we need a wall right away.  Who knows what happened up there?  We know it wasn’t Russia.  Why would it be?  It could be some guy who weighs 400 pounds sitting in his mother’s basement.  Or the radical left.  They will do anything to make Chrump look bad.  That’s my job.  As you know, I’ve asked NASA to speed things up and get us to Mars in next few weeks.  I mean, how hard can it be?  We have to find out what happened our Mars thingie before it’s too late.  I think those things cost a lot of money, but I’m sure I can get them much cheaper if I tried.  And who knows, I just might try if the radical left stops killing my wall, which by the way is already built.  Many people don’t know this but I’ve been to Mars many, many times.  How do you think that rover thing got there?  I’m already working on a very big deal over there.  Excellent golfing location.  Believe me.”

Is there Chrump on Mars?  Yet another doctored White House photo

 “I am going to get to Mars very easily and build a beautiful casino with the most amazing wall anyone has ever seen.  My incredible wall, which they may call the Chrump wall after it is built and I put my name all over it, will be so high, it will be so easy to get to Mars you won’t believe it.  After my excellent physical, which shows that I have the best genes, and I’m in perfect health for an obese man with high cholesterol, and probably heart disease, if not liver damage, it should be no problem getting to Mars. I don’t know why NASA is taking so long, but I alone can fix that.  Maybe after that, I can go to the Sun and finally put a stop to all that fake global warming.”

America’s harebrained halfwit-in-chief never even heard of Mars before someone planted the idea in his head a few months ago that it would be impressive if NASA landed on the red planet on his watch.  With Chrump’s unique grasp of all things science, it is a wonder that he believes Mars actually exists.  As it stands, he thinks he can get NASA to speed things up and put a man up there very quickly.  I get the sense that as far as Chrump goes, his battery is low, and it’s getting dark.

I. Mangrey repairing.  Space is the place.

Where’s Wall?…D’oh

Sign of The Crimes

February 14, 2019

Chrump’s latest rally, on the eve of yet another capitulation to the reality he so vigorously and consistently attempts to ignore, featured a huge, MISSION ACCOMPLISHED type banner.  Flailing to spin this most recent defeat, his set designer chose to go with the only color scheme that might make the star attraction appear less orangey by comparison.  Probably not a bad move, though if not for the dark suit, Chrump might have been rendered invisible.

Guess it's time for Chrump to start what he finished

 

This time reality has prevailed, and Der Furor is too scared of Nancy Pelosi and the risk of being tarred and feathered to stamp his feet enough to bring on another Chrump shutdown.  Not even his very special advisors at Fux News could help him this time.  They too had no choice but to eat crow and tell their viewers it was extra dark chocolate…with feathers.  The delusional spray-tanning addict realized his only option was lying to his base.  He is now selling the idea that the fake and unnecessary wall he has imagined for so long has already been mostly built, somehow behind everyone’s back – though he still continues to whine about needing billions of dollars to build it, and continues to declare that the killer brown people constitute a national emergency, or maybe steal funds from people in need to build…I’m sorry, finish his wall.  Was he planning to skim a few billion off the top as he usually does?

Yes, it’s spelled ‘FINISH THE WALL’, but it’s pronounced ‘BATSHIT CRAZY’

The rapidly deteriorating Chrump told reporters that, “We’re building a lot of it now as we speak.  The wall is very, very…uh, on it’s way.  It’s happening as we speak.  We’re building it as we speak.”  Chrump’s pathetic lemmings cannot stop themselves from following the dimly lit object of their affliction.  Like disoriented, lobotomized rats, they follow the tweeting of the Fried Griper. 

It is difficult to tell what is shrinking faster – Chrump’s wall or his approval rating.  Speaking of shrinking, while watching (ever so briefly) him revel in his minions’ perverse glee, it occurred to me that Chrump’s “hair” is thinning badly, but not nearly as severely as his “sanity”.  His increasingly futile attempts at creating a comb-around-and-around-and-around only become more amusing and less effective with each passing day.  I look forward to the day when he no longer darkens the world.

I. Mangrey crashes Chrump’s rally and dumbass banner

One cannot help but wonder how much of Chrump’s border ballyhooing is meant to distract from the impending descent of Mueller’s Silver Hammer coming down upon his head.  Bang, bang.

I. Mangrey reporting.