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Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle

Somewhere Under The Rainbow
December 29, 2015

The Future Is Almost Here 

Through no fault of our own here at Paying Attention; the past is catching up with us and the future continues to intrude where it does not belong. Without effort or intent visions of the coming year intrude, demanding to be committed to conscious memory and shared with the unsuspecting. Enter at your own risk.

I. Carnac

January 1, 2016 12:01 am

The first of the year’s record breaking 1000 mass shootings in America takes place in Texas. The shooter, identified as Ted Nugent, one-time mediocre guitar player and pedophile. Nugent, an NRA board member, while comparing liberals to foaming, rabid dogs added, “...when he foams at the mouth, you shoot him between the eyes. Any questions? You got to do it. America, you got to cleanse this country. No, I’m not talking about shooting anybody. I’m talking about dealing with an outrageous condition…” Nugent concluded that liberals want everyone “bending over and taking it in the ass, and can only be thwarted by great leaders like Ted Cruz and Donald Trump.” After killing 15 and wounding 42 Nugent is appointed governor of Texas.

 

February 2, 2016

Make-believe Republican’t presidential candidate Donald Chrump finally drops out of the race after brutally schlonging himself at a South Carolina event. Chrump, who has grown increasingly unhinged every day since announcing his candidacy by calling most Mexicans criminals and rapists, finally goes a step too far, even in the eyes of the media. No, it has nothing to do with his misogyny, his overt racism or his Islamophobia, or calling Iowans stupid, or making shit up and claiming it really happened, or mocking handicapped people, or calling all Jews “good negotiators.” Chrump is so out-of-control that he attacks himself at one of his own rallies. Everything is going smoothly as Chrump ratchets up the hate with brilliant one-liners like, “So why do the blacks love me so much? Because they think I’m Ben Carson with attitood and a tan and better hair.” Or, “I promise if elected president that, despite my enormous respect for Putin – he’s a strong leader, I will never (wink) kill any reporters, even though I hate them. Oh how I hate them.” Or, “I am so winning this thing I can’t even believe it myself and I will be sending Barack Hussein Obama back to Kenya where he was born. And I have the documents to prove it. I’ve had them for years…right next to my beautiful plan to stop ISIS. I can’t show you right now, they’re in my other hair.” And finally, “Let me tell you, I don’t get no respect. But let me just say, now this might not be politically correct, but you know Hillary just doesn’t have the balls to be president. And I mean that in a good way. And that Sanders, I heard he’s a Jew or something – I guess he’ll be outspending me. Maybe I can negotiate with him.”

Finally, something must have snapped, “When I get my hands on that orange-wigged asshole, I’m going to bomb the shit out of him. I might even go after his family. I don’t care if that’s not politically correct to say that, the blacks don’t care if I do, but I’ll take that jerk out and I will kill his family. Anyone who can’t beat a loser like Ted Cruz in Iowa doesn’t deserve to live. I’m fired.” Chrump goes on to throw a temper tantrum saying he was treated unfairly and ultimately starts his own party.

Earlier that same day, Pennsylvania legend and powerful prognosticator in his own right, Punxsutawney Phil emerges from his winter nap in Chrump’s hair, sees his shadow and runs back into the tangled mass, signaling another nine months of electoral insanity. The American public decides it is the smaller rodent who is ultimately responsible for Chrump’s sudden downfall and celebrate this, in addition to Groundhog Day for years to come.

 

March 15, 2016

An ISIS-influenced Muslim shoots up the only remaining Texas abortion clinic – invoking ISIS and Timothy McVeigh – ultimately detonating his explosive vest and demolishing the building, killing over a dozen workers, women and children. Ted Cruz, rather than his usual tarring the killer as a radical Islamic terrorist, hails him as a God fearing patriot who just could not bear to see any more “babies killed by doctors doing their job. Now these babies can be born to single drug-addicted moms, young girls who have been blessed with babies thanks to rape or incest or whatever, and women of all ages who die during childbirth. The fact that this person was a Muslim is irrelevant. He was just trying to protect innocent life by brutally murdering doctors performing legal procedures for desperate women, and those who happened to be anywhere near them. Today more than ever it is great to be an American. Ted Cruz 2016!”

  June 7, 2016

Ben Carson awakens after having performed grain surgery on himself. As a result of the operation he is unable to close his eyes or open his mouth. Within a matter of days Carson realizes that he is no longer in the race for the Republican’t presidential nomination.

 

July 20, 2016

With only one week to go before the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia, Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clinton continue to battle for the Democratic nomination and the chance to face Republican’t John Ellis Bush and renegade Chrump Party candidate Donald Chrump.

July 23, 2016

Chrump is attacked by an admirer with a fan. A hatless Chrump is almost strangulated when the plasticized strands attached to his head attempt to subdue the attacker, accidentally dragging the candidate into a mass of wires and duct tape. Chrump eventually extricates himself as supporters do nothing but cheer, assuming
this is just part of his juvenile, buffoonish shtick.
Chrump blames the mainstream media and Obama for his hairbrush with death.

 
September 24, 2016
 

Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell vows again to repeal Obamacare and make Barack Obama a one-term president. In a highly anticipated statement on the Capitol steps, McConnell promised, “I will have this president out of the White House at noon on January 20^th next year. And you can bank on that.” McConnell then withdrew his head back into his shell and rolled down the Capitol steps, never to be seen again.

 

 

                           October 31, 2016

Supreme Court justice and professional racist pumpkin Antonin Scalia finally admits that he has no idea what the Constitution means, has never actually read it and in fact, “couldn’t give two shits what those idiots were thinking. I am a Supreme Court justice and the Constitution means what I say it means. Ain’t that right Clarence?” As Clarence Thomas simply nods in agreement Scalia swallows his own oversized head and disappears in a large puff of putrid, toxic smoke. Dozens within the blast zone are treated at a nearby hospital. There are no other fatalities.

November 1, 2016

 

After eight long years of torturous campaign-boarding, as a result of the Republican’ts trying to make Barack Obama a one-term president, Americans elect write-in candidate Elizabeth Warren. Unable to decide between authentic progressive, populist candidate Bernie Sanders and authentically-female, pseudo-progressive candidate Hillary Clinton, and clearly unwilling to elect Donald Chrump or any other Chrump-like Republican’t opponent, Warren receives 80% of the popular vote. This is enough to win the Electoral College and override the Supreme Court. In the middle of her second term the public spontaneously amends the Constitution and elects Warren to four terms as president.

Or…

Chrump Party nominee Donald Chrump and his running mate - Gary Busey (after Ted  Nugent became unavailable and Vladimir Putin backed out at the last minute) eke out a victory, are sworn in, and within 48 hours the United States is sold to China for One. Billion. Dollars. The country then declares bankruptcy. The best bankruptcy ever.

December 31, 2016

Amid much screaming and carrying on the year 2015 will end at midnight on this day. You heard it here first. Take that Mayans.

Donald who?

I. Mangrey prognosticating. Predicting the future since 2011.
Your mileage may vary.

The New York Times had this

to say about Paying Attention:

  

Trump The Insult Candidate Dog*

Trump Showers (They’re Golden)

A Day at The Racist

December 22, 2016 

*apologies to Triumph The Insult Comic Dog who is actually
funny, incisive, and much better looking than Trump

Trump The Insult Candidate Dog thrives on fear. Fear and ignorance. Fear, ignorance and an almost fanatical devotion to himself. Trump’s consists of nothing other than insulting everything in sight – Mexicans, the Chinese, POWs, women, handicapped people, Jews, Muslims, all of his rivals, the intelligence of the vast majority of Americans, and in fact the intelligence of those who support him for reasons many of them cannot even explain. He recently referred to those attending his rally as “maniacs who want to kill” reporters. So, as a seasoned entertainer, it is no surprise that he has managed to garner undue attention during the present election cycle. Like that other reality show American Asshole or whatever it’s called.

Trump The Insult Candidate Dog apparently thinks IQ is measured in dollars. His answer to whether or not he had advisors? “With very successful people, we sort of have our own ideas. A lot of people hire consultants. Well, if the consultant's so smart, why aren’t they rich?”

Trump The Insult Candidate Dog’s yuuuuge 8-10% support within the general electorate apparently fills him with imagined self-importance. He has the best imagination. Ignorant people, driven by fear – fear of science, fear of intelligence, fear of compromise, fear of differences – are gravitating to Trump like flies to…well you know where flies like to hang out. Unfortunately these people have no fear of bullying, arrogance, lying and hatred. And essentially by definition, they place no value on facts. Though they might recognize a fact if it bit them in the face, they would simply lick their gaping wound and laugh.

Don Rickles – the original insult comic – was less insulting over his 50 year career than Trump The Insult Candidate Dog has been during his brief reality TV campaign. Trump The Insult Candidate Dog makes Rickles look like the Dalai Lama. J.E.B said, “Donald, you’re not going to be able to insult your way to the presidency.” J.E.B. has clearly not been watching this campaign very closely. Meanwhile, Trump The Insult Candidate Dog made faces at him and then verbally abused him to great applause. And this was during the last, nationally televised Republican’t debate. Surely it is clear that Trump The Insult Candidate Dog is the best…to poop on.*

*Triumph on the final 2012 presidential debate video

The Art of The Squeal

Trump is constantly whining about being treated unfairly – that is, when he is not talking about “dating” (or as Trevor Noah described it, “banging”) his daughter.

He whined during a South Carolina campaign stop about EPA water regulations, which according to Trump, interfered with him washing his alleged “hair.” Poor baby. “You have showers where I can’t wash my hair properly. It’s a disaster. It’s true. They have restrictors put in. The problem is you stay under the shower for five times as long.” I trust he was able to properly do his nails.

I almost didn’t make it here today because I couldn’t wash my hair properly.

Cruz v.Trump

Ted Cruz had the audacity to disrespect Trump. That didn’t sit well with The Don. Asked why he thought Cruz shouldn’t be president he called him a “maniac” and suggested that Cruz wasn’t qualified, “Because I don't think he has the right temperament.” This coming from Trump The Insult Candidate Dog. Temper fi.

For his part, Cruz responded with great vigor and toughness:



That took real guts. I guess Cruz is just the bigger dog man…who speaks with f*%$#d tongue.

Finally, some good news…

The New York Times editorial board, a mere 12 years after the fact, has bravely shared this headline: Prosecute Torturers and Their Bosses just above a picture of Dick "I'd do it again in a minute" Cheney, with a detailed and well-constructed op ed below the picture.

Not the picture used by the Times 12 years after the fact

I. Mangrey reporting. Don’t make me come over there.
                                                                                                                      Mad in USA

Pity The Brain Cells

Global Intellect Change

Everywhere and Nowhere
December 18, 2015

Yes, he is entertaining in his own way. And like the traffic accident you pass on the road, it is all but impossible to avoid looking at the carnage just a little longer than is warranted. However, this type of spectacle does not make for a serious presidential campaign. It was fine in high school for the class clown to throw his jester’s hat into the ring, making a mockery of all rivals and high school politics in general. It is probably not a great thing when selecting the leader of the most powerful nation on the planet.

Are we witnessing the late stages of Global Intellect Change? All I can say is: Donald Trump is running away with the Republican’t primary in the United States. Of America. What’s in second. I Don’t Know’s in third. Do the math. According to steroid and power addled Russian autocrat Vladimir Putin – George W. Bush’s soul mate – Trump “is a bright personality, a talented person, no doubt about it. It is not up to us to appraise his positive sides, it is up to the U.S. voters. But, as we can see, he is an absolute leader in the presidential race.” Apparently the feeling is mutual. When asked what he thought about Putin allegedly having opponents rubbed out, Trump said, “He's running his country and at least he's a leader. You know, unlike we have in this country.” Is it dumb in here or is it just me? Super genius Trump described Putin blowing smoke up his skirt as a “great honor to be so nicely complimented,” telling Joe Scarborough, “Well, I think our country does plenty of killing also, Joe. You know. There's a lot of stupidity going on in the world right now, Joe. A lot of killing going on and a lot of stupidity and that's the way it is.” Though no one has been killed yet, there has been more stupid at Trump’s rallies than there is racism at a Klan meeting…not that I’m comparing the two. That would be like Chrump comparing Ben Carson to a child molester. Oh wait, that actually happened.

Oops! Not actually Trump

Global intellect is deteriorating faster than the polar ice cap. Ted Koppel called Trump, “the Recruiter-in-Chief for ISIS.” This is the guy leading the Republican’t field by convincing people he is the best of the best and the toughest, smartest “genius”, who has “an absolute way of defeating ISIS, and it would be decisive and quick and it would be very beautiful. Very surgical.” We haven’t heard him bellowing about this for quite a while now. I wonder why.

Most scientists agree that the planet’s intelligence is at its lowest point since the Middle Ages.* Many of them are convinced that it wasn’t because people during the Middle Ages were especially dim, but because the Church’s fear and loathing of science practically stopped intellectual growth in its tracks during that time. People searching for knowledge and understanding unrelated to religion were, shall we say dissuaded from pursuing these avenues of inquiry. This, it is believed, set back progress in science by a century or so. Thankfully the Church has softened its stance on scientific reality – never more so than under the leadership of the current pope, who is himself a scientist.

Despite this improved relationship between science and faith, the level of human intelligence is on a rapid decline, with no obvious sign of turning around. This condition is exacerbated by the increase in terror attacks around the globe, which increases the level of fear, nowhere more than in America. Fear is inversely proportional to intelligence.

I. Mangrey reporting.

                                                                                                     Mad in USA

* It’s possible I completely made this up, but in the spirit of the current political environment, I stand by my imaginary facts.

Latest Republican’t debate coverage below…

The Debate at the end of the Universe

The Talking Dreads

Las Vegas
December 16, 2015

The Republican’ts had another debate show, this time in Nevada. The topic was the Republican’t version of security: Who to kill. When and where to kill them. How much to kill them. Who will kill them the best? Here is a partial transcript:

The Opening Act

Santorum, Huckabee, Pataki: Waaaaaaaaahhhh

Graham: I miss George W. Bush. He blowed things up real good. I’m very macho.

 

The Main Event

Chrump: I am the best.

Bush: Are not.

Chrump: Am too.

Cruz: You might be. Please don’t hurt me. I think you are terrific. Now I am just going to filibuster while Wolf keeps telling me my time is up and that I agreed to the rules. I can talk and talk and talk and ignore everything that is going on around me. I think my time in the Senate shows this very clearly. And I’m much smarter than Rubio.

Rubio: Hey how come he gets to talk so much? He said my name that means I get to talk now.

Kasich: I just want to say that I am still in the race. We must take out Assad. “Frankly it’s time we punched the Russians in the nose.”

Bush: No we shouldn’t.

Christie: Should too. And I’m going to shoot down a Russian plane by firing laser beams out of my ass.

Chrump: Are not.

Paul: I think my hair is on fire.

Fiorina: Is not.

Cruz: I wanna kill. Kill. Kill. I want to see blood, and veins in my teeth. “Bomb them until the sand glows.” Whatever the hell that means.

Christie: I will negotiate with dead people. I hate Obama.

Chrump: No you don’t. You hugged him.

Christie: Did not. He got too close and the gravitational pull resulting from my enormous mass caused him to crash into me. I’m like a black hole.

Carson: Gravity is only a theory. The stars are just grain. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Fiorina: I have many new lies to tell. I can make stuff up as well as anyone on this stage.

Rubio: No, it’s my turn to talk. I never get to talk. Who do you think I am? Kasich?

Kasich: Hey, I’m standing right here.

Chrump: I will build a great wall and I will get the Mexican rapists to pay for it. I’m doing great in the polls. Ban the Muslims. I love nukes.

Wolf Blitzer: I would like to thank you gentlemen and Ms. Fiorina – are you still here Carly? Anyway thanks to you all and thanks to our live audience for not killing each other. This has been very informative and let me be the first to congratulate the Democratic candidate, whoever it is.

And now here it is, your moment of liberal media…

Bernie Sanders has no super PAC, no mainstream media coverage, and few chances to publicly debate his opponent(s) thanks to the Democratic party machine. According to recent (and less recent) polls, Sanders does better among Dems than Chrump does against Repubs and there are more registered Dems than Repubs nationwide. Bernie does as well or better than Clinton against the top four Republican’t candidates.

Bernie Sanders is not going away any time soon

I. Mangrey reporting. My brain hurts.

Making America Grating Again

Springtime For Chrump

Not Chrump’s America
December 9, 2015

Chrump sympathizers - The FEW, The LOUD, The MAROONS -
see him as a fuhrer savior

Donald Chrump whose run for the Republican’t nomination will ultimately be known as the Springtime For Hitler of presidential campaigns (for a number of reasons), is not just winging it as the utter inanity and endless bile of his campaign would suggest. To the casual, albeit nauseated observer, it would seem that he is just making this crap up as he goes along. It’s like he’s taking a dump with his mouth. A recently leaked secret recording of Chrump and his top advisor made almost a year ago reveal his implausible strategy:

Chrump: First let me say that I am really rich and I Donald Chrump am grateful to have someone like you on my team. You are the best, the best. And I don’t say that to just anyone. And that is one beautiful wall there and I know a nice wall when I see one. So what I need from you is a plan. I need a plan. I need to create a campaign platform that is so vile, so hateful and so completely divorced from facts and reality…so ME, that nobody would ever support such a candidate for more than about thirty days. I’m thinking that pretty much every word that comes out of my mouth should be a lie. And I am the best liar you will ever meet. Ever. The best. All I’m really after is a month or so of free, non-stop face time with every camera in the country. What’s our plan?

 

Non-Chrumpians can only look on in horror

Chrump: I think I should first insult Mexicans, then I’m thinking POWs should be next – what a bunch of losers. You never saw me get captured. Then I think I should go after women, Muslims, Syrian refugees – I don’t want them in my country - then a good old fashion Jews and money routine – some of my best friends are Jews, but let’s face it all they care about is money – not like me, I like myself much more than I like money. Then probably the Muslims again – they’re very big right now; not as big as me of course, but lots of people love to hate the Muslims these days. I haven’t decided how or when exactly to go after the gays, but that’s a must. There’s just something wrong with those people. What do you think? Did I tell you how great you look today? I really like what’s happening with that whole hair thing you got going on up there. Did I mention that I’m really rich?

Nothing more than an excuse to remind people of the
late, great Dick Shawn, who also made a great Hitler

Chrump: I want to avoid anything resembling actually addressing any issues, it’s just not my thing, except maybe rounding up Muslims in camps or something like that. That stuff goes over really big, really big. You won’t believe how great this will be - I will be doing an excellent job, better than anyone could ever do. Oh, and I want to seem so despicable that even Dick Cheney - the guy who trashed Iraq and pissed off the world’s Muslims more than just about anyone - will say I went too far. I know we can do this. You are the greatest advisor ever. I gotta say it was a great idea of yours to use a full length mirror for this meeting. Work out the details while I go wipe my ass with hundred dollar bills. I am really rich.

 

 

I. Mangrey digging up the dirt so you can keep your hands clean.

Just so I have this straight: Bernie Sanders is too socialist to be president, but Donald Chrump is not too fascist for the job?

And let us not forget, as Trevor Noah reminded us, Donald Chrump constantly fantasizes about having sex with his daughter.
 

Oh, and this appeared in Atlanta for some reason:

 Mad in USA

Ted Cruzynski

Cruz (Out Of) Control

The Twilight Zone
December 4, 2015

Franz Kafka’s seminal work, The Metamorphosis begins, “One morning, as Gregor Samsa was waking up from anxious dreams, he discovered that in bed he had been changed into a monstrous verminous bug. He lay on his armor-hard back and saw, as he lifted his head up a little, his brown, arched abdomen divided up into rigid bow-like sections. From this height the blanket, just about ready to slide off completely, could hardly stay in place. His numerous legs, pitifully thin in comparison to the rest of his circumference, flickered helplessly before his eyes.” Poor Samsa had turned into a cockroach and it kind of went downhill from there. It’s no Cinderella, but it’s well written.

My take is slightly different: One morning, as Bonzo the cockroach was waking from anxious dreams, he discovered that overnight he had been changed into Ted Cruz. He lay on pink fleshy back and saw, as he lifted his head up a little, his paunchy Twinkie-filled gut mocking him. From where he lay on the filthy floor, he could see the full-length mirror on the wall beside him. In shock, he wailed, “I can’t let anyone see me like this. When I laid down last night I was a perfectly fine and healthy cockroach – one of God’s most impressive, indestructible – if not loveable – creations. Now look at me! I look like Joe McCarthy f*&#d Pinocchio who was then forced to conceive by Richard Nixon.” What an unfortunate cockroach.

Finger-pointing Fear-mongers

Serial animal rapist* and post-metamorphosis Gregor Samsa doppelgänger Raphael “Ted” Cruz, Jr. just can’t get enough of his own voice. The world has not been treated to such a significant and prescient voice since the dog living next door to Son of Sam. Tumultuous Ted’s latest Cruz-sade is an effort to obscure the fact that the recent terror attack at Planned Parenthood in Colorado was committed by an anti-choice lunatic who clearly listened too long to the likes of Cruz, Carly Fiorina, Fux News and so many others in the Fact Free Zone.

“The media promptly wants to blame him on the pro-life movement…It’s also reported that he was registered as an independent and a woman and a transgendered leftist activist if that’s what he is.” Strange, since this upstanding Republican’t was known to hand out anti-Obama propaganda upon meeting new people. And he happened to mention something about “no more baby parts” while raging against Obama, upon being finally subdued after murdering innocent people. Cruz immediately blamed the next mass murder in San Bernardino on “radical Islamic terrorism.” I don’t recall him mentioning anything about the Planned Parenthood killer’s religious affiliation. I must have missed it.

According to Cruz, "I have never met — not once — a single pro-life activist who is in favor of violence of any sort." Really!? What the hell is this guy smoking? Must be some of that Canadian Tar Sands stuff - I hear it’s pretty potent. He must not get out much. Ted is by all accounts a very smart…let’s say man. If this is true then one must conclude that a) he doesn’t actually believe what he is saying and is simply playing the Coulter Card to rile up the (psychotic) base in case they give up on the greatest candidate ever – Donald Chrump, or b) he is himself an irredeemable sociopath. Has he not heard about the many anti-choice, Bible-thumping conservatives who have shot and/or killed doctors who performed completely legal medical procedures at their patients’ request? It was in all the papers. One guy even went to Ted’s homeland - Canada - for a slow motion shooting spree of abortion providers.

Even Billo Reilly talked about murderous anti-choice activists when he had to defend his own inflammatory rhetoric after the brutal murder (in a church no less) of Dr. George Tiller. Did one of his viewers possibly take to heart O'Reilly mentioning Tiller by name amost 50 times between 2005 and Tiller’s eventual assassination in 2009, in most instances referring to Tiller specifically as a "baby killer?" Now why would anyone who watches O’Reilly regularly hear that and then murder someone who Bill says is a baby killer? We’re talking about Fux viewers, and it’s not like any of them are Democrats.

Ted Man Talking

"Now, listen, here's the simple and undeniable fact: the overwhelming majority of violent criminals are Democrats. The media doesn't report that." One reason the media doesn’t report that is because Ted just made it up. Or maybe his neighbor’s dog told him that. Cruz wouldn’t know a simple and undeniable fact if it was stapled to his upper lip.

Cruz says he will appoint Donald Chrump as his “Border Wall Czar”

Cruz, a mere two days after America's latest mass shooting (we are currently averaging more than one a day in 2015), decided it would be a perfect time for him to unveil his National 2nd Amendment Coalition - whatever the hell that is. Because, we may not know much about why this latest mass murder occurred, but one thing we know for sure is guns are good and more guns is better. So shoot 'em if you've got 'em.

And...

Ted Cruz’s college roommate Craig Mazin had this to say during an interview on October 17, 2013, “And, you know, I want to be clear, because Ted Cruz is a nightmare of a human being. I have plenty of problems with his politics, but truthfully his personality is so awful that 99 percent of why I hate him is just his personality. If he agreed with me on every issue, I would hate him only one percent less.” I rest my case.

I. Mangrey reporting. Are we there yet?
 

* not verified, but easily as true as anything Cruz himself says

The Fateful Eight

Slow White and The Seven Dweebs

Blank Friday Eve
November 26, 2015

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. As you know, refugees are all over the news these days. Thanksgiving of course is the day we Americans celebrate the most notable, impactful immigrants in American history. That’s right, those greedy, gold-obsessed, disease-ridden, genocidal white people from across the Great Water, who came here unannounced and uninvited, claimed everything as their own, and then proceeded to hate on anyone who came after them for horning in on their land. In horror honor of this special day, I give you an eight-course, fat-free, feast of fiends. Ingest it slowly, there might still be a few bones.

Slow White

Carly Fiorina, who is running on a Stop Planned Parenthood From Eating Babies’ Brains platform is rising like a lead balloon in the polls. One thing you have to give her - she has totally outlasted Bobby Jindal. Keep your eye on this one – she is poised to break the 5% mark in just a few months, perhaps as soon as July. I can’t wait until Chrump asks her to be his VP.

Carly. Baby. You’re already lying. So just lie down. Eat the damned apple already and...

Chrumpy

Fascist-in-training Donald Chrump still leads the Field of Drains with just over a third of the anti-government/anti-qualifications vote. Chrump was recently asked if he thought his proposal to create a Muslim-American database was any different than how the Nazis required Jews to register with authorities. His response? “Who are you with?” The reporter told him, “I’m with NBC News.” Chrump’s repeated reply was, “You tell me.” And then he chrumped away.

Next, Chrump displayed his presidential finesse after his supporters hurled a few racial epithets, beat, kicked, subdued and removed a Black Lives Matter protester during a recent rally. One lone peaceful protester. As the man was escorted out Chrump repeatedly yelled “Get him the hell outta here.” He later said, “Maybe he should have been roughed up.” I suppose it’s only a matter of time until we hear him say, “Hey, the Blacks love me. Some of my best friends are blacks.”

For his next trick, when asked if he would bring back waterboarding, Chrump groused, “I would bring it back, yes. I would bring it back. I think waterboarding is peanuts compared to what they’d do to us, what they’re doing to us, what they did to James Foley when they chopped off his head. That’s a whole different level and I would absolutely bring back interrogation and strong interrogation." A real tuff guy. He doesn’t even care if it works, he just wants it done.

Lastly, Chrump pulled a Palin saying he saw thousands of Muslims dancing in the streets in Jersey City, New Jersey as the Twin Towers fell on 9/11. According to everyone else on the planet, this never happened. Trump defended himself by telling an NBC News reporter that he saw it, that he has "the world’s greatest memory" and that everybody knows that. Chrump’s memory is so good that he can even remember things that never happened. Hey, it’s a gift. Oh, and he told the NBC reporter that he couldn’t remember where he saw it.

Sleepy

Researchers have discovered that Dr. Ben Carson, part-time presidential candidate, well-known somnambulist and Hearse Whisperer, has been using his skull in an unexpected way. In a stunning report, one that will no doubt be dubbed overly scientific, researchers at Wossamotta U are poised to publish their findings. It turns out that Carson’s cranium does not enclose a brain with which to comprehend all the issues that are important for a presidential candidate to understand in order to become a viable alternative for the highest office in the land, but merely to store grain. This tiny silo, situated atop the retired medico’s neck makes it abundantly clear that Carson was, not as is commonly thought – a brain surgeon – but in actual fact, a Grain Surgeon. This would explain his insistence, to this day, that the Egyptian pyramids were not, as science, history, and common sense tell us – mausoleums for departed pharaohs – but according to Carson’s “own personal theory…that Joseph built the pyramids to store grain.” That would be Joseph, son of Jacob, son of Isaac, son of Abraham. According to Convoluted Rice expert Uncle Dr. Ben, “…it would have to be something awfully big – when you stop and think about it, and I don’t think it’d just disappear over the course of time – to store that much grain.” Actually, this is not what you deduce once you stop and think about it; it is what you suppose when you stop thinking about it.

Ben Carson valiantly trying to remember what planet he’s on – he will not prevail.

Bashful

John Kaisich, the supposedly sane one of the group, who is finding it impossible to gain traction among the Republican’t faithful as a result of his insistence on saying things that are not batshit crazy, is making his move to appeal to a whiter wider audience. While Kasich said just two months ago that the U.S. should accept refugees from Syria, last week he sent a letter to President Obama urging the federal government to stop sending any more Syrian refugees to Ohio. Of course governors have no power to make such un-American decisions, but that won’t stop Kaisich from pandering to constituents who are too busy wetting their pants to think straight. As white icing on his vanilla cake, the Ohio governor is now proposing the creation of a new government agency to push Judeo-Christian values around the world. He sees this as part of a national security plan to defeat ISIS. Crazy, stupid and/or just desperate?

Happy

Fiscally incompetent man-child Marco Rubio’s latest bon mot was in reference to same sex marriage, "We cannot to abide by that because government is compelling us to sin. So when those two come into conflict, God’s rules always win.” That’s right folks. Screw separation of Church and State. That’s a different America.

Rubio also explained that he couldn't be happier about the recent Paris terror attacks. He described the ISIS attacks as a "positive development," for the conversation everyone is having in the run up to November 2016. His newest ad entitled, "What happened in Paris could happen here' is a childish attempt to frighten everyone. To his credit, he does not at any time lunge off camera to grab a bottle of water. In response to Chrump's call to close down mosques, Marco Bozo chirped, "Well, I think it’s not about closing down mosques. It’s about closing down any place, whether it’s a café, a diner, an internet site, any place where radicals are being inspired," the senator said. I guess we can say good-bye to movie theaters, video games, libraries, Alabama, Montana and NRA gatherings once president Rubio takes charge. If you don’t wet your pants, Marco will wet them for you. Here’s what the ad looks like, sans the silly noises coming from his mouth:  
 

Rubio paints it black. Be afraid…or else.

Personally, I would say that we have nothing to fear but Rubio himself. Oh, and Ted Cruz…

Sleezy

Raphael “Ted” Cruz,Jr.’s father fought alongside Castro before emigrating from Cuba. As Cruz said in a recent interviewed, “If my father were part of a theocratic or political movement like radical Islamism, that promoted murdering anyone who didn’t share your extreme faith, or forcibly converting them, then it would make perfect sense [to not let them into this country]. Unwittingly proving that this is exactly what his father was a part of, Junior continued, “He started fighting when he was 14, he spent four years fighting, was throwing Molotov cocktails, I mean he was fighting alongside Castro.” Yes, that Castro. Some of you may recall that Castro was basically the ISIS of the Fifties and Sixties in the eyes of America. And Raphael “Ted”, Jr.’s dad was clearly for Castro before he was against him. Not sure when he infiltrated America.

Unfortunately Ted is far and away the smartest of the bunch. Make no mistake, he might be the worst of them in many ways, but he is very smart. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Dopey

J.E.B. is just dying (not literally, but I respect the sentiment) to put American lives on the line in Middle East. It’s not his fault. It’s a genetic thing. His dad and Iraq. His brother and Iraq. At least J.E.B. is thinking outside the bush…I mean box, by going into Syria. When the hell is someone going to wake up smell the Saudis? It sure won’t be a Bush, they’re family. Don’t forget old “Bandar” Bush. Or almost every 9/11 hijacker.

J.E.B refused to back away from his position that America should prioritize bringing in Christian – not Muslim – refugees of the Syrian civil war. The astute reporter asked how exactly you can tell them apart. J.E.B., unflinching, mewed, “Well you’re a Christian. You can prove you’re a Christian. It’s – ” “How?” the reporter pushed back. Bush shrugged his head and shoulders, “I think you can prove it – if you can’t prove it then, you know, you err on the side of caution.” If J.E.B. was smart he would do the rest of his campaign in mime.

Doc

Rand Paul also thinks he is running for president, especially now that he might pick up Bobby Jindal’s voter. 

And for Dessert...
this headline from Talking Points Memo:

    Scientists: Ted Cruz Understands Less About Climate Than A Kindergartner

And this graph from the article:

I. Mangrey reporting. Happy Thanksgiving.
Enjoy your family and friends. And maybe a little food.