The Chrump Who Stole The Primary

The Campaign of Donald Chrump: It's Real(ity TV)

July 31, 2015

The Chrump

The current GOP frontrunner is pulling away from the cavalcade of clowns, creeps, clods and cretins clamoring to capture the 45^th presidency. So far, the more abusive, ignorant and childish he shows himself to be, the more beloved he becomes to Republican’t primary voters. The narcissistic reality show host is on a rampage against anything that’s not nailed down. Half Sarah Palin, half Louie Gohmert, half Andrew Dice Clay, Mr. Chrump can babble bellicose bile with the best worst of them. The interesting thing is that most people believe that his campaign is merely a spin-off of The Apprentice. None of those polled were asked if they thought that Chrump’s candidacy was for real. Some volunteered that they wondered why there have been no commercials so far. Others assumed that Chrump was sponsoring the entire event out of his very large bank account.

NEW CNN/ORC POLL:

SANDERS: 59% 

CHRUMP: 38% 

The only thing Chrump hasn’t done so far is whip a firearm out of his hair and start waving around while threatening his opponents, China, Russia, Iran, Canada, Mexico, Antartica and the climate. Thus far the candidate has not let on that this is the direction his reality campaign will take, but I’m looking forward to Chrump’s inevitable open carry campaign stops. He will show everyone who’s boss by Second Amendmenting his way across the country. Even more exciting will be his first accidental shooting.

The Donald explaining The Chrump Doctrine for international diplomacy.

Chrump arrives in Texas to huge, well-paid adoring fans. After trashing ex-governor Rick Perry for over a half hour, The Don’tald who calls himself a "big Second Amendment person," told the minimum wage crowd, “I don’t need glasses to look smart. I’m already the smartest person you’ve ever met. I’m the smartest man ever to run for president. I’m also the richest. I will defeat the Mexican rapists and John McCain easily. I will kick their ass. When I am president America will secede from the United Nations. Nobody tell America what to do…except me, Donald Chrump. I, I mean we, will own Europe. I’m worth $9 billion* by the way. Right now America is a broken down wasteland. There is almost nothing left for me take over, but I’m so amazing that nothing is too tough for me to fix or go bankrupt trying. Am I right? Frankly I can’t even believe anyone is running against me. You can’t beat me. You just can’t. Ask anyone. And I know exactly how to beat ISIS – you just watch me. I’m worth $10 billion.* Now watch me pull a rifle out of my hair.” Whereupon the AR-15 appeared and began to discharge its ammo until the Chrumpster regained control, but not before two of his bodyguards lay dead and 17 innocent, albeit well-paid attendees found themselves improperly pierced.

Chrump taking the stage for his famous “I Have a Gun” speech.

If you need further proof of Chrump’s reality-ness, according to Ann Coulter, “Trump is different. We have been lied to for thirty years about immigration. That’s why Trump is striking this chord. He’s attractive. He’s tall. He’s hilariously funny. I think he could be not only a nominee who could win but a third party candidate who could win.” I rest my case.

Chrump, the unrepentant, unrelenting birther is still waiting to see Obama’s birth certificate so he can finally believe Obama is president. It’s not the orangutan-topped Chrump’s birth certificate I’m anxious to see…

*or less than $3 billion according to those who are not Donald Chrump

NEW I. MANGREY POLL:

CHEEZ WHIZ: 19% 

CHRUMP: 2%
ANYONE ELSE: 79%

When All Else Fails…Hitler

Not to be out-dumbed, professional hypocrite, Rev. Mike Huckabee, miserably trailing Chrump in the Republican’t primary and also desperate for attention commented on Obama’s attempts at détente with Iran thusly: "This president’s foreign policy is the most feckless in American history. It is so naive that he would trust the Iranians. By doing so, he will take the Israelis and march them to the door of the oven." When Obama called him out saying that the former governor's comment was "part of just a general pattern that we've seen that would be considered ridiculous if it weren't so sad." Naturally Reverend Mike has, like all his Republican’t colleagues, not read the Iran agreement…but they all hate it preemptively.

Huckabee bit back…"What's 'ridiculous and sad' is that President Obama does not take Iran's repeated threats seriously. For decades, Iranian leaders have pledged to 'destroy,' 'annihilate,' and 'wipe Israel off the map' with a 'big Holocaust,'" Huckabee said in a Monday statement. "'Never again' will be the policy of my administration and I will stand with our ally Israel to prevent the terrorists in Tehran from achieving their own stated goal of another Holocaust." The man is clearly unshakable in his support for Israel.

Said The Huckster in 2008, “Another way to contain Iran is through diplomacy. We must be as aggressive diplomatically as we have been militarily since 9/11…Iran is a nation-state seeking regional clout and playing the game of power politics we understand and can skillfully pursue. We cannot live with al Qaeda, but we might be able to live with a contained Iran.” Why does he hate the Jews so much? Of course allowing Iran to prematurely annihilate Israeli Jews is dangerous since the Jews in Israel are a necessary ingredient for The Rapture.

I. Mangrey reporting. Does this font make me look fat?

UPDATE

My prediction for the upcoming first Republican't primary debate...