The Fateful Eight

Slow White and The Seven Dweebs

Blank Friday Eve
November 26, 2015

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. As you know, refugees are all over the news these days. Thanksgiving of course is the day we Americans celebrate the most notable, impactful immigrants in American history. That’s right, those greedy, gold-obsessed, disease-ridden, genocidal white people from across the Great Water, who came here unannounced and uninvited, claimed everything as their own, and then proceeded to hate on anyone who came after them for horning in on their land. In horror honor of this special day, I give you an eight-course, fat-free, feast of fiends. Ingest it slowly, there might still be a few bones.

Slow White

Carly Fiorina, who is running on a Stop Planned Parenthood From Eating Babies’ Brains platform is rising like a lead balloon in the polls. One thing you have to give her - she has totally outlasted Bobby Jindal. Keep your eye on this one – she is poised to break the 5% mark in just a few months, perhaps as soon as July. I can’t wait until Chrump asks her to be his VP.

Carly. Baby. You’re already lying. So just lie down. Eat the damned apple already and...

Chrumpy

Fascist-in-training Donald Chrump still leads the Field of Drains with just over a third of the anti-government/anti-qualifications vote. Chrump was recently asked if he thought his proposal to create a Muslim-American database was any different than how the Nazis required Jews to register with authorities. His response? “Who are you with?” The reporter told him, “I’m with NBC News.” Chrump’s repeated reply was, “You tell me.” And then he chrumped away.

Next, Chrump displayed his presidential finesse after his supporters hurled a few racial epithets, beat, kicked, subdued and removed a Black Lives Matter protester during a recent rally. One lone peaceful protester. As the man was escorted out Chrump repeatedly yelled “Get him the hell outta here.” He later said, “Maybe he should have been roughed up.” I suppose it’s only a matter of time until we hear him say, “Hey, the Blacks love me. Some of my best friends are blacks.”

For his next trick, when asked if he would bring back waterboarding, Chrump groused, “I would bring it back, yes. I would bring it back. I think waterboarding is peanuts compared to what they’d do to us, what they’re doing to us, what they did to James Foley when they chopped off his head. That’s a whole different level and I would absolutely bring back interrogation and strong interrogation." A real tuff guy. He doesn’t even care if it works, he just wants it done.

Lastly, Chrump pulled a Palin saying he saw thousands of Muslims dancing in the streets in Jersey City, New Jersey as the Twin Towers fell on 9/11. According to everyone else on the planet, this never happened. Trump defended himself by telling an NBC News reporter that he saw it, that he has "the world’s greatest memory" and that everybody knows that. Chrump’s memory is so good that he can even remember things that never happened. Hey, it’s a gift. Oh, and he told the NBC reporter that he couldn’t remember where he saw it.

Sleepy

Researchers have discovered that Dr. Ben Carson, part-time presidential candidate, well-known somnambulist and Hearse Whisperer, has been using his skull in an unexpected way. In a stunning report, one that will no doubt be dubbed overly scientific, researchers at Wossamotta U are poised to publish their findings. It turns out that Carson’s cranium does not enclose a brain with which to comprehend all the issues that are important for a presidential candidate to understand in order to become a viable alternative for the highest office in the land, but merely to store grain. This tiny silo, situated atop the retired medico’s neck makes it abundantly clear that Carson was, not as is commonly thought – a brain surgeon – but in actual fact, a Grain Surgeon. This would explain his insistence, to this day, that the Egyptian pyramids were not, as science, history, and common sense tell us – mausoleums for departed pharaohs – but according to Carson’s “own personal theory…that Joseph built the pyramids to store grain.” That would be Joseph, son of Jacob, son of Isaac, son of Abraham. According to Convoluted Rice expert Uncle Dr. Ben, “…it would have to be something awfully big – when you stop and think about it, and I don’t think it’d just disappear over the course of time – to store that much grain.” Actually, this is not what you deduce once you stop and think about it; it is what you suppose when you stop thinking about it.

Ben Carson valiantly trying to remember what planet he’s on – he will not prevail.

Bashful

John Kaisich, the supposedly sane one of the group, who is finding it impossible to gain traction among the Republican’t faithful as a result of his insistence on saying things that are not batshit crazy, is making his move to appeal to a whiter wider audience. While Kasich said just two months ago that the U.S. should accept refugees from Syria, last week he sent a letter to President Obama urging the federal government to stop sending any more Syrian refugees to Ohio. Of course governors have no power to make such un-American decisions, but that won’t stop Kaisich from pandering to constituents who are too busy wetting their pants to think straight. As white icing on his vanilla cake, the Ohio governor is now proposing the creation of a new government agency to push Judeo-Christian values around the world. He sees this as part of a national security plan to defeat ISIS. Crazy, stupid and/or just desperate?

Happy

Fiscally incompetent man-child Marco Rubio’s latest bon mot was in reference to same sex marriage, "We cannot to abide by that because government is compelling us to sin. So when those two come into conflict, God’s rules always win.” That’s right folks. Screw separation of Church and State. That’s a different America.

Rubio also explained that he couldn't be happier about the recent Paris terror attacks. He described the ISIS attacks as a "positive development," for the conversation everyone is having in the run up to November 2016. His newest ad entitled, "What happened in Paris could happen here' is a childish attempt to frighten everyone. To his credit, he does not at any time lunge off camera to grab a bottle of water. In response to Chrump's call to close down mosques, Marco Bozo chirped, "Well, I think it’s not about closing down mosques. It’s about closing down any place, whether it’s a café, a diner, an internet site, any place where radicals are being inspired," the senator said. I guess we can say good-bye to movie theaters, video games, libraries, Alabama, Montana and NRA gatherings once president Rubio takes charge. If you don’t wet your pants, Marco will wet them for you. Here’s what the ad looks like, sans the silly noises coming from his mouth:  
 

Rubio paints it black. Be afraid…or else.

Personally, I would say that we have nothing to fear but Rubio himself. Oh, and Ted Cruz…

Sleezy

Raphael “Ted” Cruz,Jr.’s father fought alongside Castro before emigrating from Cuba. As Cruz said in a recent interviewed, “If my father were part of a theocratic or political movement like radical Islamism, that promoted murdering anyone who didn’t share your extreme faith, or forcibly converting them, then it would make perfect sense [to not let them into this country]. Unwittingly proving that this is exactly what his father was a part of, Junior continued, “He started fighting when he was 14, he spent four years fighting, was throwing Molotov cocktails, I mean he was fighting alongside Castro.” Yes, that Castro. Some of you may recall that Castro was basically the ISIS of the Fifties and Sixties in the eyes of America. And Raphael “Ted”, Jr.’s dad was clearly for Castro before he was against him. Not sure when he infiltrated America.

Unfortunately Ted is far and away the smartest of the bunch. Make no mistake, he might be the worst of them in many ways, but he is very smart. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Dopey

J.E.B. is just dying (not literally, but I respect the sentiment) to put American lives on the line in Middle East. It’s not his fault. It’s a genetic thing. His dad and Iraq. His brother and Iraq. At least J.E.B. is thinking outside the bush…I mean box, by going into Syria. When the hell is someone going to wake up smell the Saudis? It sure won’t be a Bush, they’re family. Don’t forget old “Bandar” Bush. Or almost every 9/11 hijacker.

J.E.B refused to back away from his position that America should prioritize bringing in Christian – not Muslim – refugees of the Syrian civil war. The astute reporter asked how exactly you can tell them apart. J.E.B., unflinching, mewed, “Well you’re a Christian. You can prove you’re a Christian. It’s – ” “How?” the reporter pushed back. Bush shrugged his head and shoulders, “I think you can prove it – if you can’t prove it then, you know, you err on the side of caution.” If J.E.B. was smart he would do the rest of his campaign in mime.

Doc

Rand Paul also thinks he is running for president, especially now that he might pick up Bobby Jindal’s voter. 

And for Dessert...
this headline from Talking Points Memo:

    Scientists: Ted Cruz Understands Less About Climate Than A Kindergartner

And this graph from the article:

I. Mangrey reporting. Happy Thanksgiving.
Enjoy your family and friends. And maybe a little food.

Reality Is An Illusion

Schmuck Gets In Your Eyes

In My Room
November 18, 2015

I think our petulant Republican’t friends are long overdue for a time-out. They need to be sent to their room and most importantly, not be allowed to watch any more television until they can prove beyond a shadow of a doubt that they can tell the difference between what happens on television and what happens in real life. They blamed the Columbine massacre on music. They blame gun violence on video games. They blamed the Oklahoma City federal building bombing on Muslims until it became evident that it was white-as-snow and Christian-as-Mike-Huckabee, Timothy McVeigh. Speaking of Rev. Huckabee, he insists the U.S. should prioritize Christians over Muslims when considering who to admit to the country because he doesn’t “know of any other group of people uniquely who are targeting these individual civilians.” Maybe he should take his head out of his ass so he can see that there are lots of white folks (mostly, if not all Christians) who are terrorizing and killing Americans right here in the good old U.S. of A. Huckabee and his buddies blame inner city violence on Barack Obama, but don’t blame anyone (except maybe Obama) for cops killing unarmed black people, or white zealots murdering doctors who perform abortions. I could go on…but you knew that.

Just for the record, a partial list:

June 18, 2015 - Charleston, SC: 9 dead
May 23, 2014 - Isla Vista, CA: 6 dead, 7 wounded
December 14, 2012 - Newtown, CT: 27 killed, one injured
September 28, 2012 - Minneapolis, MN: 6 killed, 2 injured
August 5, 2012 - Oak Creek, WI: 6 killed, 3 injured
July 20, 2012 - Aurora, CO: 12 killed, 58 injured
October 12, 2011 - Seal Beach, CA: 8 killed, 1 injured
January 8, 2011 - Tucson, AZ: 6 killed, 11 injured

All white, American citizen shooters. Take that ISIS.

The Republican’ts blame ISIS on Obama rather than on their one-time hero, now persona non grata (even though his brother is crawling for president), George W. Bush who set the stage for precisely what we see today as regards terror attacks. According to one captured ISIS member, “The Americans came. They took away Saddam, but they also took away our security. I didn’t like Saddam, we were starving then, but at least we didn’t have war. When you came here, the civil war started.” Many people predicted this exact situation would result from Bush’s illegal, ill-advised, ill-managed, Halliburton-enriching invasion of Iraq.

TV or Not TV, That is The Question

The Republicants insist on looking to television for public policy and military tactical guidance. For example, Fux News-model Gretchen Carlson explained to a Fux military analyst how a character on Homeland “actually seems to sometimes know more about this war on terror and ISIS, than possibly the administration.” This inimitable “journalist” then showed a clip of her fictional hero to prove her point. Unsurprisingly, the dialogue included nothing more than things everyone everywhere has known about ISIS and their ilk, along with the standard ‘bomb-Iraq-into-a-parking-lot’ rhetoric we hear every day from John McCain and Lindsey Graham, and now the likes of Chrump (who put it most succinctly – “I would bomb the shit out of ‘em”), Carson and all the others vying for Bull Goose Looney. Carlson’s conclusion? “I mean, should we be listening to Homeland?” Her expert guest responded, “Yeah we probably ought to Gretchen. I don’t watch it, I know it’s a wonderful show. As you know, I have no idea what I’m talking about, but I do know a good idea when I don’t see it.”*



TV Reality

One could be excused for believing that ‘reality TV’ is real (after all it clearly has ‘reality’ right there in its name) since it involves real people – despite the fact that these real people are often scripted and placed in quite un-real situations for the sake of, oh let’s say ratings. But really, “24” was neither reality TV nor real, or anything vaguely resembling either one. That didn’t stop people like Dick Cheney and countless others from using Jack Bauer, the show’s protagonist, as a role model for Cheney’s torture program. Cheney even imagined (though more likely he simply lied through his teeth) that his fantasy program achieved great (or any) results.

Dick’s good buddy, Antonin Scalia also has great difficulty discerning reality from fiction. And this is the guy who insists he knows exactly what the Founding Fathers were thinking when they debated and wrote the Constitution. Yes that’s right, the Supreme Court justice who said no jury would ever convict Jack Bauer for waterboarding anyone, maintains that he accurately and unerringly interprets the precise and singular meaning of each and every word we pay him to understand and rule on. Really?

Now, these treacherous cretins want to know, “Why can't we take out these bastards?"** You know, because as anyone who watches - and believes what they see - on the teevee knows, it’s just a Game Of Thrones, a Family Feud over Blood And Oil, where the Price Is Right and you keep the evildoers from Breaking Bad by putting the Bold and The Beautiful, you know - your MacGyvers, your A Team, some American Gladiators and their Friends and other assorted Heroes - on the Frontline for 48 Hours or 60 Minutes, whichever comes first, and show them Who’s The Boss. Then, assuming all is not Lost, it’s Hee Haw and MISSION ACCOMPLISHED - a regular Bonanza - without a hint of Scandal, keeping the Empire intact, and the Homeland is saved forever. Just another day at The Office. If that doesn’t work just keep at it until you are the Last Man On Earth and you can live The Life Of Reily in your Little House On The Prairie or sail off on The Love Boat, and the rest of your life will be Happy Days. To me it is much more like Mystery Science Theater 3000 - just another less-than-B movie to which I must add witty banter and silly commentary.

Then of course there is good old The Donald Chrump, a hate enthusiast who is himself a reality TV show, but unlike all the others, is simultaneously completely phony all too real. The Republican’t field is rife with Trojan Whores hoping to insinuate themselves into the White House to fling their feces across the globe.

*I may have inadvertently added that last sentence. It was not my fault. Stuff happens.
** Actually asked by CNN reporter during press conference in Turkey this week

Also, too…

Professional abstinator and trusted (not sure by whom) abstinence counselor Bristol Palin is pregnant for the second (third?) time despite being entirely unmarried to two fiancés. At best one assumes that the fathers of her children are her ex-fiancés. When an interviewer said to Mama Grizzly, Sarah, "Of course, there are those who say, 'Come on, this goes against everything you stand for,'" the older, not necessarily wiser Palin cackled back, "Well, the cool thing about putting your faith in God, is he certainly is a God of second chances and third and fourth and fifth chances." I’m guessing this clan, especially happy-go-fucky Bristol, will need all the chances they can get. And we can all give thanks to God that she is safely tucked away in Wasilla, and nowhere near the White House.

Last And Least

Louisiana governor Bobby Jindal announced he has suspended his presidential campaign, which unbeknownst to anyone other than Bobby Jindal was an actual thing. I kid you not.

I. Mangrey reporting.

There is nothing wrong with your computer. Do not attempt to adjust the picture.

Bush It

Tweedle Dope and Tweedle Dork

Lost in the Bushes
November 4, 2015

You would be forgiven, nay applauded, for being oblivious to the fact that John Ellis Bush is still running for the Republican’t nomination for president. And you would have my undying envy. J.E.B. believes that his candidacy remains viable because his big brother’s approval rating has risen out of the toilet. Huh? He believes this despite the overwhelming evidence that just about everyone not named Bush (or on the Bush payroll) can see very clearly - that J.E.B. is a talentless, ineffectual hack with the personality of a block of Velveeta cheese.* Yet we have been told for years that he was the smart Bush. More Bush-style misunderestimation or oxymoron?

Of course nothing says more about a presidential candidate’s qualifications than having his failure-of-a-brother become less spectacularly unpopular thanks to the American public’s inability to remember anything other than their own names for longer than 15 minutes. Perhaps all this explains why J.E.B. is languishing at around 5% in national polling. And don’t even ask who he is losing to. Or to whom he is losing, for those of you partial to grammar.

From a guy who is far ahead of J.E.B. in the polls

Bush was recently asked if people were underestimating his comeback ability at this point in the GOP race in light of his lackluster performance. J.E.B. responded, "They don't know me. They don't know me. I eat nails when I wake up, then I have breakfast."

I don’t think the phrase “I eat nails” means what Bush thinks. It does not mean that every morning, before getting out of bed that you spend a half hour biting your fingernails down to the cuticles because you are afraid of your own shadow, finally mustering up the courage to scurry downstairs to have an actual food-type breakfast spoon-fed into your quivering mouth. 

New-Improved-Same-Old-Same-Old

J.E.B., treading political water like a three-legged poodle fallen off a cruise ship out at sea, is pulling out all the stops to save his campaign. He has suddenly come out with a new e-book - Reply All - which means he just couldn’t wait the time it would take for binding and printing and paying money for same. The Smart Bush has also brought in a top staffer from brother George’s barely-eked-out reelection** campaign to be his new chief operating officer. I guess we can expect a major swift-boating effort against Chrump and Carson any minute now. Too bad for J.E.B. that neither of these candidates ever had military experience to exploit like George’s campaign did to decorated veteran John Kerry. That is, unless you count Dr. Ben’s heroic episode at the Popeye’s organization - the details of which the poor doctor (take that any way you wish) simply cannot pin down. All of this is part of the new “improved” “Jeb Can Fix It” tour. Does he mean he can fix his pitiful campaign? Fix your last traffic ticket? Fix the country? Like he fixed Terri Schiavo? Fix it so America will never open its eyes ever again? Fix you J.E.B.

Meanwhile…

Current frontrunner and current-and-future-non-president Ben Carson is on a book tour and wants to assure us that because he’s not a politician he “doesn’t sit around and strategize.” Heaven forbid. I’m not a fan of politicians as a rule, but I think strategizing is okay to do, whatever your ambitions are. Maybe it’s just me. What I really want to know is: Are Ben Carson learning? Carson claims he was sabotaged by a rival who disclosed Ben’s ten-year long relationship with discredited snake oil company, Mannatech Inc. I mean come on, how could God’s own candidate resist anything with Manna in it? Mannatech settled a false advertising lawsuit in Texas for $7 million over claims its products cure autism and cancer and Carson has practically been a spokesmodel for them. But despite myriad facts to the contrary, he takes umbrage at the very notion, saying of those who would dare spread such verifiable evidence, “That’s a submarine that’s sent by them.” Mental Ben failed to mention whose fault it was that he lied through his teeth when questioned about it during the last debate. Maybe he was sleeptalking again.

Way back in 2014 Carson told an audience, “A large number of Americans, they go into that voting booth looking for a D, an R, or a name that looks familiar. The name could be Satan, they would say, ‘Ah yeah, I recognize that name.’ Sometimes it’s worse than Satan.” Couldn’t have said it better myself doc.

Q: How can you tell that Ben Carson is lying?
A: His eyes are open…or closed.

*not actually cheese, but a pasteurized process cheese food product (not to be confused with weapons of mass destruction related program activities)

**only considered re-election by those unwilling to accept that George W. Bush was not in fact elected in 2000, but was instead appointed by the Supreme Court after they stopped the recount in Florida (whose governor at the time was, strangely enough, John Ellis Bush). George W. Bush would be more accurately described as an appointment process president fool product.

I. Mangrey reporting. I'm the derider.