The Fateful Eight

Slow White and The Seven Dweebs

Blank Friday Eve
November 26, 2015

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. As you know, refugees are all over the news these days. Thanksgiving of course is the day we Americans celebrate the most notable, impactful immigrants in American history. That’s right, those greedy, gold-obsessed, disease-ridden, genocidal white people from across the Great Water, who came here unannounced and uninvited, claimed everything as their own, and then proceeded to hate on anyone who came after them for horning in on their land. In horror honor of this special day, I give you an eight-course, fat-free, feast of fiends. Ingest it slowly, there might still be a few bones.

Slow White

Carly Fiorina, who is running on a Stop Planned Parenthood From Eating Babies’ Brains platform is rising like a lead balloon in the polls. One thing you have to give her - she has totally outlasted Bobby Jindal. Keep your eye on this one – she is poised to break the 5% mark in just a few months, perhaps as soon as July. I can’t wait until Chrump asks her to be his VP.

Carly. Baby. You’re already lying. So just lie down. Eat the damned apple already and...

Chrumpy

Fascist-in-training Donald Chrump still leads the Field of Drains with just over a third of the anti-government/anti-qualifications vote. Chrump was recently asked if he thought his proposal to create a Muslim-American database was any different than how the Nazis required Jews to register with authorities. His response? “Who are you with?” The reporter told him, “I’m with NBC News.” Chrump’s repeated reply was, “You tell me.” And then he chrumped away.

Next, Chrump displayed his presidential finesse after his supporters hurled a few racial epithets, beat, kicked, subdued and removed a Black Lives Matter protester during a recent rally. One lone peaceful protester. As the man was escorted out Chrump repeatedly yelled “Get him the hell outta here.” He later said, “Maybe he should have been roughed up.” I suppose it’s only a matter of time until we hear him say, “Hey, the Blacks love me. Some of my best friends are blacks.”

For his next trick, when asked if he would bring back waterboarding, Chrump groused, “I would bring it back, yes. I would bring it back. I think waterboarding is peanuts compared to what they’d do to us, what they’re doing to us, what they did to James Foley when they chopped off his head. That’s a whole different level and I would absolutely bring back interrogation and strong interrogation." A real tuff guy. He doesn’t even care if it works, he just wants it done.

Lastly, Chrump pulled a Palin saying he saw thousands of Muslims dancing in the streets in Jersey City, New Jersey as the Twin Towers fell on 9/11. According to everyone else on the planet, this never happened. Trump defended himself by telling an NBC News reporter that he saw it, that he has "the world’s greatest memory" and that everybody knows that. Chrump’s memory is so good that he can even remember things that never happened. Hey, it’s a gift. Oh, and he told the NBC reporter that he couldn’t remember where he saw it.

Sleepy

Researchers have discovered that Dr. Ben Carson, part-time presidential candidate, well-known somnambulist and Hearse Whisperer, has been using his skull in an unexpected way. In a stunning report, one that will no doubt be dubbed overly scientific, researchers at Wossamotta U are poised to publish their findings. It turns out that Carson’s cranium does not enclose a brain with which to comprehend all the issues that are important for a presidential candidate to understand in order to become a viable alternative for the highest office in the land, but merely to store grain. This tiny silo, situated atop the retired medico’s neck makes it abundantly clear that Carson was, not as is commonly thought – a brain surgeon – but in actual fact, a Grain Surgeon. This would explain his insistence, to this day, that the Egyptian pyramids were not, as science, history, and common sense tell us – mausoleums for departed pharaohs – but according to Carson’s “own personal theory…that Joseph built the pyramids to store grain.” That would be Joseph, son of Jacob, son of Isaac, son of Abraham. According to Convoluted Rice expert Uncle Dr. Ben, “…it would have to be something awfully big – when you stop and think about it, and I don’t think it’d just disappear over the course of time – to store that much grain.” Actually, this is not what you deduce once you stop and think about it; it is what you suppose when you stop thinking about it.

Ben Carson valiantly trying to remember what planet he’s on – he will not prevail.

Bashful

John Kaisich, the supposedly sane one of the group, who is finding it impossible to gain traction among the Republican’t faithful as a result of his insistence on saying things that are not batshit crazy, is making his move to appeal to a whiter wider audience. While Kasich said just two months ago that the U.S. should accept refugees from Syria, last week he sent a letter to President Obama urging the federal government to stop sending any more Syrian refugees to Ohio. Of course governors have no power to make such un-American decisions, but that won’t stop Kaisich from pandering to constituents who are too busy wetting their pants to think straight. As white icing on his vanilla cake, the Ohio governor is now proposing the creation of a new government agency to push Judeo-Christian values around the world. He sees this as part of a national security plan to defeat ISIS. Crazy, stupid and/or just desperate?

Happy

Fiscally incompetent man-child Marco Rubio’s latest bon mot was in reference to same sex marriage, "We cannot to abide by that because government is compelling us to sin. So when those two come into conflict, God’s rules always win.” That’s right folks. Screw separation of Church and State. That’s a different America.

Rubio also explained that he couldn't be happier about the recent Paris terror attacks. He described the ISIS attacks as a "positive development," for the conversation everyone is having in the run up to November 2016. His newest ad entitled, "What happened in Paris could happen here' is a childish attempt to frighten everyone. To his credit, he does not at any time lunge off camera to grab a bottle of water. In response to Chrump's call to close down mosques, Marco Bozo chirped, "Well, I think it’s not about closing down mosques. It’s about closing down any place, whether it’s a café, a diner, an internet site, any place where radicals are being inspired," the senator said. I guess we can say good-bye to movie theaters, video games, libraries, Alabama, Montana and NRA gatherings once president Rubio takes charge. If you don’t wet your pants, Marco will wet them for you. Here’s what the ad looks like, sans the silly noises coming from his mouth:  
 

Rubio paints it black. Be afraid…or else.

Personally, I would say that we have nothing to fear but Rubio himself. Oh, and Ted Cruz…

Sleezy

Raphael “Ted” Cruz,Jr.’s father fought alongside Castro before emigrating from Cuba. As Cruz said in a recent interviewed, “If my father were part of a theocratic or political movement like radical Islamism, that promoted murdering anyone who didn’t share your extreme faith, or forcibly converting them, then it would make perfect sense [to not let them into this country]. Unwittingly proving that this is exactly what his father was a part of, Junior continued, “He started fighting when he was 14, he spent four years fighting, was throwing Molotov cocktails, I mean he was fighting alongside Castro.” Yes, that Castro. Some of you may recall that Castro was basically the ISIS of the Fifties and Sixties in the eyes of America. And Raphael “Ted”, Jr.’s dad was clearly for Castro before he was against him. Not sure when he infiltrated America.

Unfortunately Ted is far and away the smartest of the bunch. Make no mistake, he might be the worst of them in many ways, but he is very smart. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Dopey

J.E.B. is just dying (not literally, but I respect the sentiment) to put American lives on the line in Middle East. It’s not his fault. It’s a genetic thing. His dad and Iraq. His brother and Iraq. At least J.E.B. is thinking outside the bush…I mean box, by going into Syria. When the hell is someone going to wake up smell the Saudis? It sure won’t be a Bush, they’re family. Don’t forget old “Bandar” Bush. Or almost every 9/11 hijacker.

J.E.B refused to back away from his position that America should prioritize bringing in Christian – not Muslim – refugees of the Syrian civil war. The astute reporter asked how exactly you can tell them apart. J.E.B., unflinching, mewed, “Well you’re a Christian. You can prove you’re a Christian. It’s – ” “How?” the reporter pushed back. Bush shrugged his head and shoulders, “I think you can prove it – if you can’t prove it then, you know, you err on the side of caution.” If J.E.B. was smart he would do the rest of his campaign in mime.

Doc

Rand Paul also thinks he is running for president, especially now that he might pick up Bobby Jindal’s voter. 

And for Dessert...
this headline from Talking Points Memo:

    Scientists: Ted Cruz Understands Less About Climate Than A Kindergartner

And this graph from the article:

I. Mangrey reporting. Happy Thanksgiving.
Enjoy your family and friends. And maybe a little food.