Stop Mitching Already

Bitch BcConnell...I'm Sorry, I Have a Cold

April 26, 2018

One of the worst things about having to keep our eye on the Orange Gas Cloud is that he obscures another toxic blob threatening just about everything we know and cherish. The potentially fatal blood clot in America’s femoral artery that I am referring to is the vicious, hateful, petty tyrant that is Mitch McConnell. No one has been more disgusting, anti-democratic, and unfortunately, effective than the reptilian senator from Kentucky.

After Barack Obama was elected, McConnell said his primary job was to make sure it was a one-term presidency. To that end, McConnell and the Republican’ts obstructed Obama at every single turn. McConnell saw to it that Obama was unable to fill vacancies on the federal bench so that now we are seeing a parade of bozos nominated to the courts by the Republican’t Clown-in-chief.

These selfish assholes have provided the definitive example of George Washington’s farewell address warning that the rise of political parties risked the loss of loyalty to country in favor of loyalty to party. Obviously this problem has been brewing for quite some time, but late Twentieth Century Republican’ts raised it to whatever you would call the evil analogue of an art form.

More recently, McConnell claimed that the crowning achievement of his time as a senator was obstructing the appointment of Antonin Scalia’s replacement on the Supreme Court. He was hoping his party would take the White House and replace Scalia with another virulent ideologue, even though Obama reached across the swamp aisle and nominated Merrick Garland, who was liked and respected by both sides, and who was confirmed to a seat on the federal bench by a 2-1 margin in 1997. It just doesn't get much worse than that.

The Senate Majority Leader refuses to let bipartisan legislation – designed to protect Special Counsel Robert Mueller from being summarily dismissed by the Orange Gas Cloud – go to the floor for a vote. McConnell insists, like his soon-to-be-ex-counterpart in the House Paul Ryan, that there is no way Chrump would fire Mueller. You know, because Chrump is such a stable genius, and would never do anything stupid or impetuous.

Mitch has suddenly decided that hemp, probably the single most useful and important plant on this planet, should not be illegal to grow anymore. You can bet your sweet bippie that McConnell’s primary motivation is creating a soft and lucrative landing after he leaves what remains of the Senate.

Some may recall when the misogynistic bully invoked a little-known Senate rule to silence Sen. Elizabeth Warren in the middle of a speech criticizing attorney general nominee Sen. Jeff Sessions.  

More recently, Mitch bared his hateful gums when he read the call for a vote on the Senate floor to allow Tammy Duckworth – the first U.S. Senator to give birth while in office – to bring her newborn onto the floor. He looked and sounded as though he was reading an announcement that the world would be ending in 48 hours. McConnell is simply a disgrace to the species.

Nevertheless, he persisted.

I. Mangrey reporting. I could just plotz.

EARTH FIRST!

Ball of Confusion

April 22, 2018

April 22, 197

Forty-eight years ago, on April 22nd the first Earth Day saw millions of Americans gather all across this land hoping to raise awareness of the importance of protecting the environment. Long before that people like Benjamin Franklin, Henry David Thoreau, John Muir, George Washington Carver and Teddy Roosevelt fought to preserve America’s natural treasures.

Pennsylvania (literally Penn’s Woods) has a long history of environmentalism. John Audubon and Rachel Carson were Pennsylvanians. And our founder, William Penn wrote America’s first conservation law, which required colonists to leave one acre of trees for every five acres of land cleared.

Shortly after the first Earth Day, Richard Nixon created the Environmental Protection Agency. Yes, that Richard Nixon. Just in time for Earth Day 2017, Donald Chrump put Scott Pruitt, who sued the EPA more than a dozen times as Oklahoma’s attorney general, and has an exceedingly chummy (and that is putting it mildly) relationship with the oil industry, in charge of the EPA. Besides all of Pruitt’s environmentally catastrophic actions as head of the EPA, he has been very busy being paranoid, greedy and criminal. In other words, a perfect fit for Team Chrump.

Last year, Prezident Chrump ignored military, intelligence, climate and environmental experts, and of course, science in order to embarrass America by pledging to withdraw from the landmark Paris Climate Accord saying, “I was elected to represent the citizens of Pittsburgh, not Paris.” Pittsburgh begged to differ. Pittsburgh Mayor Bill Peduto took to the only printed word medium Der Furor can navigate:

America is now the only country in the world not signed on to this agreement. So much winning.

Climate disruption is already taking its toll. Besides being the second warmest year on record, 2017 was by far the costliest year on record for weather-related disaster recovery. Thousands of lives in Puerto Rico, the Virgin Islands, Texas, California, Florida, and elsewhere are forever changed by record-breaking wildfires, hurricanes, and floods. It is only a matter of time before we all feel the effects firsthand.

The Chrump regime has left it to the states to do what they can, at least until such time as we have a functioning federal government again. Currently under consideration, Pennsylvania Senate Bill 15 was crafted to tackle this problem head-on. SB 15 is an act “providing for cost-effective reductions of greenhouse gas emissions and for the powers and duties of the Environmental Quality Board and the Department of Environmental Protection.” 

Pop Quiz: Object or Organism? Source of Oil or Source of Life?

 

It is long past time to stand on the right side of history and act in the best interests of our children and grandchildren. Whether or not climate change is 100 percent as described by almost every climate scientist, the changes in planetary weather are an environmental danger and a verified national security hazard. The Council on Foreign Relations warned in a 2007 special report that, “Climate change presents a serious threat to the security and prosperity of the United States and other countries.”

In a 2016 briefing, the Center for Climate & Security cautioned that climate change presents a risk to U.S. national security and international security. Their recommendations, developed by a nonpartisan group of 43 U.S.-based senior military, national security, homeland security and intelligence experts, urged the United States to implement a comprehensive policy for addressing the risk.

According to the briefing, climate change presents a significant and direct risk to U.S. military readiness, operations and strategy, and military leaders say it should transcend politics. The briefing urged Chrump to order the Pentagon to game out catastrophic climate scenarios, and track trends in climate impacts. The defense experts maintain that stresses from climate change can increase the likelihood of international or civil conflict, state failure, mass migration and instability in strategically significant areas around the world. All recommendations have fallen on deaf ears.

Chrump’s only significant comment on climate change came during the pre-inauguration phase of his campaign, when he called it a “hoax” perpetrated by the Chinese. The only mention of anything relating to this issue in his horrific State Of The Union address was Chrump’s continued fantasizing about the magic of clean coal.

We have wasted enough time trying to discredit and ignore the problem of climate change. America should be leading the world, not holding everyone back. We should be at the forefront of renewable technology, not watching other countries become better prepared for what follows the Afossil fuel-based world economy. Addressing climate change is a win-win proposition - more American jobs, stronger American economy, healthier planet.

Donald Chrump is fond of saying “America First” every chance he gets, though his actions will make America Worst. Never mind that "America First" was originally the name of the isolationist, anti-Semitic national organization that urged the United States to appease Adolf Hitler and stay out of World War II. We expect that from Der Furor. I love my country, perhaps a little differently, though as much as anyone, but I think we would all be better off in the long run saying:

I. Mangrey replanting.

Crosby/Nash

They’re Fired

Lock Them Up…Where We Can Keep An Eye On Them

April 18, 2018

Paying Attention Goes Hollywood

You have never seen reality TV before. Ever. You may think you have, but you are wrong. Believe me. Hear me now and thank me later. I alone can fix this. Forget the Kardashians, the Real Housewives, Survivor, Big Brother and all the rest of the fake-reality TV pasteurized, processed entertainment product. Here comes the real deal. You will not be able to look away. You will not watch any other shows. You will seriously consider quitting your job. I mean, more than usual. The best, most beautifully terrific entertainment is coming soon.

Many people are saying that the Chrump “prezidency” is as entertaining as it gets. Sure it causes ulcers, migraines, shortness of breath, tachycardia, insomnia, narcolepsy, projectile vomiting and bleeding from the eyes, and the ears and the wherever. But, it is entertaining dammit. Do you think Mike Pence would be this funny? Well, do ya punk?

 

Chrump is willing to do anything to get the big ratings. Anything. Insult women – not just some, but all of them, insult entire races of people, or nationalities. Belittle and agitate world leaders, praise dictators, humiliate American law enforcement, the courts, the media and intelligence (of every sort). Hell, he would even get impeached if it was during sweeps week. He denigrates everyone around him – family, staff, cabinet members, boy scouts, porn stars. No one that spends more than 30 seconds in his presence emerges unsullied. Nothing is off the table for Chrump; except perhaps common sense, lucid thought, or any sort of knowledge, but none of that crap sells anyway.

Unfortunately for Chrump, a large majority of his involuntary audience simply want him off the air, out of the House, and off the island. Is Elba still available? I hear Alcatraz has some vacancies. This was true even before the pilot episode sullied the airwaves, or cable, or fiber-optic or satellite, or Crap Chat, or whatever it is the kids are watching these days. While The Chrump Show may have many viewers, most of them are only watching to see when and how it will finally, mercifully, end, and whether anything they once held dear will be left intact. Like Seinfeld, which so many people watched to see what horrible behaviors would happen next. The big differences of course, 1) Seinfeld was hysterically funny, and 2) it was fiction. Chrump is literally hysterical and all the fiction is in his head, but it dictates our reality.

Napoleon sure has some big hands

 

With each grueling episode, the majority of his audience keeps hanging in there, despite their better judgment, only to grow more weary, more disgusted, more emotionally and mentally unstable. Obviously, there are some who cherish their Human-Cheeseburger-in-chief, and hang on his every ill-advised, incoherent, insincere tweet. They watch with glee, while most of us look on with clenched fists, teeth and eyes. But, we all continue to watch, however painful it might be. And, as you well know, it is perpetually and profusely painful. Take heart in knowing that it will end eventually, and very likely before it was scheduled to do so. And then what will you do?

Best Sequel Ever. Ever.

An excited television executive producer said, “We’ve got a sequel that will absolutely crush the original series. In most cases, the sequel simply bombs. Best case scenario, it does almost as well as the original. Not this time. What we have here is pure television gold. No, diamonds. They’re forever, right? Nobody will be able to resist this. We will start with a block of weeknight prime time episodes, but the plan – if this thing goes the way we think it will, sponsors are literally begging us for slots – is to create something like C-SPAN. That’s right, 24/7 baby. All Chrumps all the time. No one will be able to touch these ratings. Believe me. This will make reality TV great again. We would like to thank Robert Mueller, Rod Rosenstein and of course, our star, without whom none of this would be possible. Also, we have to thank the man of the hour, Michael Cohen – we have already sent him a check for $130K, and he is worth every penny. And, I would be remiss if I left out the one and only Stormy Daniels. We love you Donny.”

For the record, Chrump says he had no idea that Cohen wrote Stormy Daniels a check or why he might have done so. He does not deny having an affair with Daniels, but said, “I really don’t believe I ever had sex with her, but you’ll have to ask my daughter Ivanka about that. I just don’t know anything about it.” It appears that Chrump’s fixer is badly broken. We could not have invented a better end to season one or a better lead-in to what will be, without question, the best television of all time.

TV Or Not TV, That Is the Question

Get ready for the most addicting reality TV of all time. This will be the biggest, most terrific, most beautiful show ever. This is no hoax folks. Join us next Tuesday at 9:00 PM EST for CHRUMP FAMILY HOUSE ARREST.

They’re all together, forever, having a ball…and chain

 

Many people said it could never happen. They said Chrump could do whatever he wants. Grab ‘em by the p*$$y…well, he said he could. He thought he could pay off a porn star (and perhaps many others) to keep quiet about their affair, but then his “attorney” blew the whole thing up. Chrump said he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and not lose a single vote. As it turned out, doing that would have been less of a problem than what he actually did. Conspiracy, money laundering, campaign finance crime, fraud, tax evasion, obstruction of justice, treason, immeasurable ignorance. He was right about one thing though – no collusion. Too bad, since collusion is not a crime…like all the things he definitely did.

Anyway, they will all be back home where they belong, in their big beautiful Mor-on-Lago, but now they will all be together all of the time. All of them. All the time. They can get in, but they can’t get out. Doomed to a life of McDonald’s, KFC, Taco Bell, Diet Coke. Delivered right to their door – because they cannot leave. Well, at least one of them will be happy, knowing his food is not being poisoned. Though now, he might be willing to take more chances.

The Electoral College cannot save them now. Never again will they eat or visit or slowly sip their much-loved Covfefe. They will not enjoy another visit the very beautiful mountain beaches of Nambia – the island nation that exists only in the fevered mind of their child patriarch, little Donny, Sr. The beautiful island of Nambia. An island surrounded by water. Big water. Ocean water. And, it is landlocked.

This time for real, he will not be visiting his many fabulous golf courses. All those tax cuts he gave himself? Can’t use them where he’s not going.

The realest TV you will ever see. The most fun you will ever have. Don’t miss it. Don’t miss them. Make America greater than ever, or at least greater than the Chrump days. It’s a low bar after all. Not so much a bar as a chalk line on the ground.

Turn on, tune in, throw up.

The Paying Attention Team

Narcissus Shrugged

Unpardonable Sins

April 14, 2018

The Beginning of The End

The producers of The Apprentice thought they were putting on a farce. They thought it was a great joke. They took a public icon-turned-buffoon, built him a fake Hollywood boardroom – they said his actual boardroom was a shithole – a fake company, he had overseen numerous bankruptcies – and launched an absolutely ludicrous fake reality show. Unfortunately, they sorely misunderestimated the American public. Many people apparently looked at the phony, multiply bankrupted moron, and said, “Wow, look how rich and bossy this guy is. That’s awesome.” Millions could not look away. I simply could not look.

The Apprentice was created as satire, like Dr. Strangelove or Duck Soup, or Spike Lee doing The Life and Times of Robert E. Lee: Hero or God?, or a Neil Simon Broadway adaptation of Mein Kampf, but huge swaths of America saw it as an inspirational documentary. Rufus T. Firefly seems much more realistic a leader than ours, and at this point, Freedonia seems a much more believable Nation.

It could not have been easy, fabricating a faux version of a consummate phony. A man who would later whine that all he had when he started was a “small million dollar loan” from his father. Besides being pathetic on its face, even this claim was untrue, as the young reptile came into many millions of daddy’s dollars – much of it illegally as far as the IRS was concerned.

Chrump is a symptom of America. A significant portion of the American electorate prides itself in being misinformed, obstinate, self-absorbed and racist. Chrump is all that and more. He looks out for Number One at all times, and takes what is rightfully everyone else’s at every turn. Ayn Rand would have approved bigly. Don’t miss her posthumous novel:

With nary a hint of irony, Chrump called James Comey (whose Clinton-killing October surprise made Chrump president) “a proven LEAKER & LIAR,” and then pardoned I. “Scooter” Libby (no relation), who was literally convicted of LEAKING & LYING.”

The big question now is, I suppose, how soon will Chrump pardon Scooter Libby…I mean Michael Cohen. Chrump already pardoned convicted traitor Libby (Dick Cheney’s chief-of-staff), who outed active covert CIA operative Valerie Plame, in order to cover up Cheney’s lies justifying his illegal invasion of Iraq. Even Now-Second-Worst-President-Ever George W. Bush would not pardon Scooter since he was found guilty. He just commuted his sentence before it even began. This is Chrump’s trial balloon to set the stage for future pardons of Chrump administration criminals, including Chrump himself.

In order to divert everyone’s attention from the news that his personal “attorney” being under criminal investigation, Stormy Daniels, the Russia investigation and the impending publication of James Comey’s book, Chrump attacked Syria with Weapons of Mass Distraction. Der Furor, of course, warned everyone that he was going to throw his military hissy fit days earlier. That was after tweeting that he was going to pull out of Syria two weeks ago. His little tantrum amounted to nothing more than the typical Chrump talking tough and waving his tiny hands. That did not stop him from, and I kid you not, declaring “Mission Accomplished.”

Totally not Photoshopped

 

Also, there was this...

Take a guess who did not even warn Congress



 

 

Is That an Orange Gas Cloud I Smell, or
Did the British Set Fire To Washington, DC Again?

Does something smell funny? Or is it just me? Every time I turn on the TV or radio, it smells like something is rotten in DC. Many people find this odor offensive, but there are quite a few (not nearly few enough) folks out there clamoring for a whiff. They would sell their souls – or what’s left of them – for a sample, let alone a bottle. I am not sure why; supplies seem unlimited. In any event, we thought you should know what all the fuss is about.

CHRUMP
The Fragrance

Want to smell like an asshole? Literally?

 

Spritz it on, splash it on, pour it on, gargle it, bathe in it. Who cares?

You’ll want to buy it by the gallon. That’s real class.

 

Once you get your CHRUMP on, you can do whatever you want – They let you get away with it. Grab ‘em anywhere, shoot ‘em on Fifth Avenue, bomb Syria, fire the Attorney General, the Deputy Attorney General and/or the Special Counsel. Why the hell not?

Act now and have your entire life savings disappear.

I. Mangrey regretting.

Ryan Runs From His Life

Now Who Will Stand For Ayn Rand?

April 11, 2018

Gutless gym-rat (emphasis on the rat) and Ayn Rand devotee Paul Ryan is calling it quits…about 20 years too late if you ask me. Ryan announced that, since it looks very likely that he will lose his re-election bid this coming November, he would not seek another term as the Koch Brothers’ representative of in Wisconsin. Ryan told reporters, “I like to think I've done my part,” after his tireless and tiresome work passing the recent horrific. The incredibly Rand-ian tax cut was designed to con the poor and middle class, while heaping more wealth on those who already had more than enough.

Ryan might seem to be out of our hair for good, but he will be running for president in 2024. This is why he is bailing now. He knows Chrump is captain of the Titanic that is the Republican’t party, making re-election difficult even for GOPers not nearly as unpopular as Ryan is right now. And he cannot afford to lose his seat, especially while he is Speaker if he wants to be president. Although it is quite possible that the Kochs or their fellow travelers will make Ryan an offer he cannot refuse that will make him richer than Donald Chrump.

Anyone who has spent any time watching the Wisconsin Weasel knows that he would much rather stay in his job in order to gut Medicare and Social Security. No one, of course, should pay any attention to the fact that from the time of his father's death, when Ryan was 16, until his 18^th birthday, Ryan received Social Security survivor’s benefits. He used his benefits for his college education (which he clearly wasted, spending most of his time drunk on Ayn Rand and dreaming about killing Medicare while “drinking out of kegs”). Good thing people like Ryan were unable to kill Social Security back then. Ryan himself fought diligently to ensure that no one benefit from Social Security the way he did. Ayn Rand would be so proud.

A young Paul Ryan imagines what stupid adult he will be

In 2005, Paul Ryan attended a gathering to celebrate Ayn Rand’s 100th birthday, which she was fortunately not around to enjoy. He declared Rand’s philosophy was “the reason I got involved in public service.” Ryan said Rand was “required reading in my office for all my interns and my staff…I give out ‘Atlas Shrugged’ as Christmas presents, and I make all my interns read it.”*

Rare photo of Ryan with his Ayn Rand hairdo

On his way out the door, after 20 mostly worthless years in Congress, Ryan answered a reporter’s question about the possible firing of Robert Mueller, “I have no reason to believe that that is going to happen and I have assurances that it’s not.” Those assurances, according to Ryan were rock solid, “Because I’ve been talking to people in the White House about it.” As we all know, the reliability of this White House legendary.

I. Mangrey rippin’ Ryan. He left us much too late.

*If you need more detail on the outgoing human outhouse, we covered this subject in nauseating detail in 2012.

On The Tarmac, Awaiting Fake-off

Public Service Denouncement

Up in the air
April 10, 2018

If anyone thought the idiot bastard prezident was off the rails before, wait until we see what he does now that his thug/attorney Michael Cohen had his doors kicked in by the FBI in accordance with a search warrant for many, many things. Add to this the need to decide on military action against Syria’s latest chemical attack against a rebel stronghold. There could very well be, quite literally perhaps, fireworks aplenty in the next day or so. So please return your seat backs and tray tables to their full upright and locked positions, here we go…

Please Direct Your Undivided Attention to Our Fight Attendants

“When the FIRE MUELLER sign illuminates, you must fasten your seat belt. First, hide all sharp objects and dangerous household chemicals, then ingest some form of mind-altering substance and await further destructions. If you release your seat belt, only do so if you are planning to march with thousands of other people in a major city. We suggest that you keep your seat belt fastened throughout the fight, as we may experience turbulence.

In the event of a Constitutional Crisis, a Guy Fawkes mask will automatically appear in front of you (or you can easily get one on eBay). To start the flow of democracy, pull the mask towards you. Place it firmly over your face, secure the elastic band behind your head, and breathe as normally as possible under the circumstances. Although the mask does not protect you, democracy is flowing to the mask. If you are travelling with a child or someone who requires assistance, secure your mask first, and then assist the other person. Try to assure them that it is not over yet. Keep your mask on until you are certain the police and the media are protecting you, the American citizen, and not Chrump’s renegade fascist dictatorship and the corporations that enable it.

There are currently no emergency exits from this administration thanks to the spineless, soulless Republican’ts and their corporate ventriloquists. If you are seated near what appears to be an exit, smack yourself in the head until you wake up and do something. Please take a few moments now to locate your nearest Republican’t. In some cases, your nearest Republican’t may be voted out of office in the very near future. If we need to evacuate, social media (other than Fakebook) will guide you towards safe haven. Be sure to have your up-to-date passport readily available and in a waterproof container. It is recommended that you keep it secret, keep it safe.

In the event that this emergency cannot be stopped, please assume the bracing position. (Lean forward with your hands on top of your head, push your head forcefully between your knees and kiss your ass goodbye.)

A life vest is located in a pouch under your seat or between the armrests. By this point it will be completely useless. Just for the hell of it, slip it over your head. Inflate the vest, pull firmly on the red cord, and scream like a chicken. No life vest can protect you from The Orange Gas Cloud, particularly once it fully ignites. The path to safety remains unknown, but keep your eyes and ears open, keep your nose clean and your mouth shut until the many are ready to perform CPR on American democracy.

At this time, your portable electronic devices might be trying to kill you, particularly if you are on Facebook. Either put them in airplane mode, or in a half-filled tub of liquid (do not waste alcoholic beverages for this, you will be needing those for the foreseeable future). Then get up, get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window. Open it, and stick your head out, and yell: I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE! Then find the nearest gathering and add your voice to the growing Resistance.

Mario Savio

We remind you that this is a non-smoking flight. The risk of igniting The Orange Gas Cloud is at Failsafe. It is more unstable than ever, and that is saying something. Tampering with, disabling, or destroying the Orange Gas Cloud detectors located in the lavatories is prohibited by law.

You will find this and all the other democracy-saving information you will need all over the internets. We strongly suggest you read it all before the shit officially hits the fan. If you have any questions, please don’t hesitate to ask one of our Resistance members. We wish you all an enjoyable fight.”

If all else fails, remember what Bert the Turtle taught us:

 

A wise man once said, “The revolution will not be televised.” But that was a long time ago and he might be proven wrong, although it will definitely not be televised on Fux News or any of Sinclair’s affiliates.

Because it is still easier to be white in Chrump’s Amerika

I. Mangrey deplaning. Too sick of winning to see straight.

The Chuang Tzu Effect

Warp Your Head Around This

April 6, 2018

I wake up every day (so far), ready to go on my merry way, but invariably, and usually quite painfully, I am reminded that Donald Chrump is prezident. I remain incapable of warping my head around it. It still seems impossible. It is difficult to imagine anything more surrealistic without going full sci-fi. It is like walking around in a Salvador Dali painting sans the artistic gratification. Chrump makes Picasso’s Guernica look like Grant Wood’s American gothic. On the sanity front, Chrump makes Charles Manson look like Mr. Rogers.

Many people are of the opinion that even though one might have major disagreements with a president of the United States, one should nonetheless hope that president is successful in order that America would be successful. I fully understand this sentiment. Whether or not you vote for the winner of the presidential popularity/Electoral College contest, that individual is (in theory at least) the president of all Americans and therefore deserves our respect and our support. An understandable and decent sentiment…under normal circumstances.

All Bets Are Off, As is Everything Else

Normal circumstances are as close at hand as the Big Bang, and the early, unimaginably volatile moments of the universe were much less chaotic than the cyclonic, Category 5 Feces-Flinging Festival that is Donnybrook Chrump. We are currently in a socio-political era unlike any other anyone who is currently living or dead has ever seen. Every move President Little-Boy-Fat-Man feels like one more step toward death and destruction. His primary motivation, other than self-aggrandizement, is to make the swamp he pretended he would drain seem like prime real estate.

America has long been a force to be reckoned with, and never shied away from throwing her weight around. For the better part of a century, we have had the biggest button on the block, not to mention being the only one to ever use it. And so, as America goes, so goes the world.

We are living in interesting times. Personally, I have never been so jealous of dead people, because I assume that they are much less affected by The Days of Our Chrump. I do not know this for a fact, but I hope it is true. There has to be some way to get relief from this torture.

Replicas of two famous atomic bombs.
Little Boy (blue) was dropped on Hiroshima on August 6, 1945.
Fat Man (yellow) was dropped on Nagasaki on August 9, 1945.

Donald Chrump was dropped on America on November 9, 2016.

The Chrump administration has gutted the State Department, leaving ambassadorships vacant across the globe, and treating diplomacy like the plague. His chief of the Environmental Protection Agency wants to destroy the environment in favor of greedy corporations bent on raping the planet. His Secretary of Education wants to end public education (and possibly education as a concept) turning it into a for-profit business. Chrump just tweeted away the Secretary of Veterans Affairs, who has objectively improved services for veterans – including drastically reducing wait times for medical care and lowering the unemployment rate among vets from 10 percent to 3.5 percent – while his choice to take over will simply be a figurehead for those determined to turn the VA over to profiteers – a move opposed by 92 percent of veterans. I could go on and on, as you well know, but I will spare you the rest of the gory details for now. However, I would be remiss if I did not cap this segment off with the two words that pretty much tell you everything you need to know about Chrump’s intentions: John Bolton.

So no, I will not root for this president to succeed, since there is a less-than-zero percent chance that he will do anything to warrant that.

Now I know how Chuang Tzu felt. Is Donald Chrump a prezident who dreams of dismantling our entire social and political structure or monstrous agent of destruction who is dreaming he is prezident? And what about us? Are we really awake, or are we dreaming that we are dreaming that we are actually living in Chrumpityville?  

Bonus Fun: The Adult Film Actress and The Child Prezident

For you math buffs out there, Donald Chrump was born in 1946. Stormy Daniels was born in 1979. Chrump and Daniels were creating the reason for a questionable non-disclosure agreement around 2006. Chrump was chronologically 60 years old; Daniels was 27.

Ivanka was born in 1981. If only she had given her father what he really wanted, to paraphrase Trent Lott, maybe we would not be having all of these problems we are having right now. What, too soon?

I. Mangrey doing the butterfly. Don’t wake me just yet.

50 Years On: God Help America

Too Bigot To Fail?

April 4, 2018

Fifty years ago today, Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King was assassinated in Tennessee. Since that time there have been subtle yet in some ways relatively significant improvements in race relations in America. These are by no means etched in stone. Many people were happy to pretend that racism in America ended because Barack Obama was elected president – and not just by winning the Electoral College – he actually got more votes than those who ran against him…twice. What a concept.

If you are reading this, you are probably not one of those who thinks racism in America is anything close to over. For those who might have even momentarily hoped things were at least better, any such imaginings surely vanished the moment the Giant Tainted Creamsicle masquerading as a mammal oozed down that infamous escalator to announce his assault on the United States, particularly our less white inhabitants.

As you are well aware, it went straight downhill from there and so far, it appears to be a bottomless escalator. The deplorables, whose feelings were so hurt by being called exactly what they are, have overflowed the basket Hillary Clinton said they were in, and have spilled onto the streets. In some ways, I must admit that I miss the good old days when they were still slithering around under their various rocks. It is so much less tidy with them scurrying around where everyone can see and smell them, but it is better to deal with them head on than it is to pretend they do not exist.

So here we are, rushing backwards to the future. At least we have not made it all the way back to the days of slavery. Fingers crossed. Knocking on wood.

State of Confusion/Confederacy

Speaking of Tennessee, the state legislature recently tried and failed – for the second time – to bring a resolution to a vote. The second attempt was abandoned after a Republican lawmaker’s unsuccessful attempt to alter the motion’s language to make it more acceptable to his Caucasians caucus. It seems Tennessee Republican’ts were concerned over language classifying neo-Nazis and white nationalists as “domestic terrorist organizations.” One can only assume that they balked because such groups are too bigot to fail. Maybe we are just not ready to judge such people by the content of their character as opposed to the color of their skin.

I. Mangrey reporting.  

April Fails Day - Chrumpylococcus

This Is a Cancer of a Presidency

April 1, 2018

John Dean testified about a conversation he had with Nixon on March 21, 1973: “I began by telling the president that there was a cancer growing on the presidency and if the cancer was not removed that the president himself would be killed by it. I also told him that it was important that this cancer be removed immediately because it was growing more deadly every day…” No one can tell today’s prezident anything he does not want to hear, lest they be tweeted out of a job. Now, the cancer is the presidency and it is growing on the American public.

How Does He Do It?

Donald Chrump is essentially an opportunistic infection. Virus, bacteria, parasite? Take your pick. He is not the original disease, he was able to cause a life-threatening illness because America’s immune system has been horribly compromised for a long, long time. Right place, right time – if you look at it from the point of view of the infectious agent. America’s foundational illness began with long-term exposure to smallpox, not the smallpox itself, but use of the virus as part of hundreds of years of continuous genocide against this land’s original inhabitants. If only there had been some kind of barrier – a wall, if you will – to protect the original people from illegal aliens. Some say the crazed immigrants could not be blamed, as they did not realize they were doing anything wrong, because all those wild savages were not even white. And surely, it was all for their own good.

Before this egregious assault on America’s immune system had a chance to begin healing (which it, to this day, has not), these same loving immigrants began sickening themselves anew. While slaughtering millions of one group of people, the newest arrivals decided to “import” another group of people – the ones Ben Carson referred to as, “other immigrants who came here in the bottom of slave ships.”

Both of these dangerous infections went unacknowledged by America for so long, it was believed that everything was just fine. Nothing to see here. Water under the bridge. Funny thing though, the bridge itself is about to collapse, despite the presence of the self-proclaimed king of infrastructure – the Emperor who has no brains.

Infectious, But Not a Laugh

Like when you injure your foot, and your body becomes so accustomed to walking a little funny that you don’t realize until it is too late, that you now have a major back problem, which leads to a regimen of pain killers – probably opioids – and when your medical insurance becomes unaffordable or disappears for some strange reason, you end up selling your body for whatever opioids you can get your hands on, and then you end up as another great American statistic. Okay, maybe it’s not such a great statistic. But, I digress.

Many people are saying that that the Old World was not sending this land their best people. They brought disease and religion. They brought drugs. They brought crime. They were rapists. And some, one assumes, were good people.

The original illness continues to wreak havoc, allowing the human equivalent of a drug-resistant staphylococcus to proliferate throughout the body politic and society as a whole. While America was never what one would call the picture of health, it took an alignment of many factors to get to this point. We do not consume our resources responsibly, we do not exercise our international muscle appropriately. Our collective racism, ignorance, arrogance and daddy issues have finally caught up with us. We are going to be sick for quite a while, as the infection metastasizes through our systems. There will be continued weakness, vomiting, confusion and depression, and it may get worse before it gets better. We have our work cut out for us.

DONALDELLA CHRUMPYLOCOCCUS E.COLI

 

Perhaps a cure will be discovered before time runs out and our democracy withers away. Thus far, America’s best bet for survival may hinge on the intestinal fortitude of an adult film actress. While special counsel Robert Mueller works feverishly to map out the genome of the infectious agent and formulate the precise anti-bodies to kill the Chrumpylococcus, it might require a precise mixture of porn star, Playboy Playmate and/or Apprentice contestant – all of whom Chrump said reminded him of his daughter. Ewwwwwwwww.

For its part, the Chrumpylococcus, while it is busy paying off everyone who might have something to say against it, cannot find a lawyer who has not been in a coma for the past two years to defend it against the myriad forces marshalled to eradicate it once and for all.

I. Mangrey restraining. Get well soon.

PS. Your shoe's untied.