Up in the air
April 10, 2018
April 10, 2018
If anyone thought the idiot bastard prezident was off the rails
before, wait until we see what he does now that his thug/attorney Michael Cohen
had his doors kicked in by the FBI in accordance with a search warrant for
many, many things. Add to this the need to decide on military action against
Syria’s latest chemical attack against a rebel stronghold. There could very
well be, quite literally perhaps, fireworks aplenty in the next day or so. So please
return your seat backs and tray tables to their full upright and locked positions, here we go…
Please
Direct Your Undivided Attention to Our Fight Attendants
“When the FIRE MUELLER sign illuminates, you must fasten
your seat belt. First, hide all sharp objects and dangerous household chemicals,
then ingest some form of mind-altering substance and await further destructions.
If you release your seat belt, only do so if you are planning to march with
thousands of other people in a major city. We suggest that you keep your seat
belt fastened throughout the fight, as we may experience turbulence.
In the event of a Constitutional Crisis, a Guy Fawkes mask
will automatically appear in front of you (or you can easily get one on eBay).
To start the flow of democracy, pull the mask towards you. Place it firmly over
your face, secure the elastic band behind your head, and breathe as normally as
possible under the circumstances. Although the mask does not protect you, democracy
is flowing to the mask. If you are travelling with a child or someone who
requires assistance, secure your mask first, and then assist the other person. Try
to assure them that it is not over yet. Keep your mask on until you are certain
the police and the media are protecting you, the American citizen, and not
Chrump’s renegade fascist dictatorship and the corporations that enable it.
There are currently no emergency exits from this
administration thanks to the spineless, soulless Republican’ts and their
corporate ventriloquists. If you are seated near what appears to be an exit,
smack yourself in the head until you wake up and do something. Please take a
few moments now to locate your nearest Republican’t. In some cases, your
nearest Republican’t may be voted out of office in the very near future. If we
need to evacuate, social media (other than Fakebook) will guide you towards
safe haven. Be sure to have your up-to-date passport readily available and in a
waterproof container. It is recommended that you keep it secret, keep it safe.
In the event that this emergency cannot be stopped, please
assume the bracing position. (Lean forward with your hands on top of your head,
push your head forcefully between your knees and kiss your ass goodbye.)
A life vest is located in a pouch under your seat or between
the armrests. By this point it will be completely useless. Just for the hell of
it, slip it over your head. Inflate the vest, pull firmly on the red cord, and
scream like a chicken. No life vest can protect you from The Orange Gas Cloud,
particularly once it fully ignites. The path to safety remains unknown, but
keep your eyes and ears open, keep your nose clean and your mouth shut until
the many are ready to perform CPR on American democracy.
At this time, your portable electronic devices might be
trying to kill you, particularly if you are on Facebook. Either put them in
airplane mode, or in a half-filled tub of liquid (do not waste alcoholic
beverages for this, you will be needing those for the foreseeable future). Then
get up, get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the
window. Open it, and stick your head out, and yell: I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M
NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE! Then find the nearest gathering and add your
voice to the growing Resistance.
Mario Savio
We remind you that this is a non-smoking flight. The risk of
igniting The Orange Gas Cloud is at Failsafe. It is more unstable than ever,
and that is saying something. Tampering with, disabling, or destroying the Orange
Gas Cloud detectors located in the lavatories is prohibited by law.
You will find this and all the other democracy-saving
information you will need all over the internets. We strongly suggest you read
it all before the shit officially hits the fan. If you have any questions,
please don’t hesitate to ask one of our Resistance members. We wish you all an
enjoyable fight.”
If all else fails, remember what Bert the Turtle taught us:
A wise man once said, “The revolution will not be
televised.” But that was a long time ago and he might be proven wrong, although
it will definitely not be televised on Fux News or any of Sinclair’s affiliates.
Because it is still easier to
be white in Chrump’s Amerika
I. Mangrey deplaning. Too sick of winning to see straight.
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