April Fails Day - Chrumpylococcus

This Is a Cancer of a Presidency

April 1, 2018

John Dean testified about a conversation he had with Nixon on March 21, 1973: “I began by telling the president that there was a cancer growing on the presidency and if the cancer was not removed that the president himself would be killed by it. I also told him that it was important that this cancer be removed immediately because it was growing more deadly every day…” No one can tell today’s prezident anything he does not want to hear, lest they be tweeted out of a job. Now, the cancer is the presidency and it is growing on the American public.

How Does He Do It?

Donald Chrump is essentially an opportunistic infection. Virus, bacteria, parasite? Take your pick. He is not the original disease, he was able to cause a life-threatening illness because America’s immune system has been horribly compromised for a long, long time. Right place, right time – if you look at it from the point of view of the infectious agent. America’s foundational illness began with long-term exposure to smallpox, not the smallpox itself, but use of the virus as part of hundreds of years of continuous genocide against this land’s original inhabitants. If only there had been some kind of barrier – a wall, if you will – to protect the original people from illegal aliens. Some say the crazed immigrants could not be blamed, as they did not realize they were doing anything wrong, because all those wild savages were not even white. And surely, it was all for their own good.

Before this egregious assault on America’s immune system had a chance to begin healing (which it, to this day, has not), these same loving immigrants began sickening themselves anew. While slaughtering millions of one group of people, the newest arrivals decided to “import” another group of people – the ones Ben Carson referred to as, “other immigrants who came here in the bottom of slave ships.”

Both of these dangerous infections went unacknowledged by America for so long, it was believed that everything was just fine. Nothing to see here. Water under the bridge. Funny thing though, the bridge itself is about to collapse, despite the presence of the self-proclaimed king of infrastructure – the Emperor who has no brains.

Infectious, But Not a Laugh

Like when you injure your foot, and your body becomes so accustomed to walking a little funny that you don’t realize until it is too late, that you now have a major back problem, which leads to a regimen of pain killers – probably opioids – and when your medical insurance becomes unaffordable or disappears for some strange reason, you end up selling your body for whatever opioids you can get your hands on, and then you end up as another great American statistic. Okay, maybe it’s not such a great statistic. But, I digress.

Many people are saying that that the Old World was not sending this land their best people. They brought disease and religion. They brought drugs. They brought crime. They were rapists. And some, one assumes, were good people.

The original illness continues to wreak havoc, allowing the human equivalent of a drug-resistant staphylococcus to proliferate throughout the body politic and society as a whole. While America was never what one would call the picture of health, it took an alignment of many factors to get to this point. We do not consume our resources responsibly, we do not exercise our international muscle appropriately. Our collective racism, ignorance, arrogance and daddy issues have finally caught up with us. We are going to be sick for quite a while, as the infection metastasizes through our systems. There will be continued weakness, vomiting, confusion and depression, and it may get worse before it gets better. We have our work cut out for us.

DONALDELLA CHRUMPYLOCOCCUS E.COLI

 

Perhaps a cure will be discovered before time runs out and our democracy withers away. Thus far, America’s best bet for survival may hinge on the intestinal fortitude of an adult film actress. While special counsel Robert Mueller works feverishly to map out the genome of the infectious agent and formulate the precise anti-bodies to kill the Chrumpylococcus, it might require a precise mixture of porn star, Playboy Playmate and/or Apprentice contestant – all of whom Chrump said reminded him of his daughter. Ewwwwwwwww.

For its part, the Chrumpylococcus, while it is busy paying off everyone who might have something to say against it, cannot find a lawyer who has not been in a coma for the past two years to defend it against the myriad forces marshalled to eradicate it once and for all.

I. Mangrey restraining. Get well soon.

PS. Your shoe's untied.