Tea Time In America

The Tea Party's New Clothes 

Soon-to-be-Post Tea Party America

October 26, 2013 

I hate to keep bringing this up, but since they still seem to have a pulse I would be negligent in my journalistic duties if I didn’t take every opportunity to kick the Tea Party while they’re down. They act as if they still haven’t hit bottom, though it’s not for lack of trying. And they have no plan to stop reaching for the stairs.  

My only regret is that it seems others are doing all my work for me. For example why should I even bother mocking the Tea Party’s follies when Dick Cheney says, “It’s an uprising, in part, and the good thing is it’s taken place within the Republican party. I don’t see it as a negative,” adding, "the most radical operator in Washington today is the president. I think he’s trying to take the country in a direction that’s fundamentally different than anything we’ve seen before." I guess Quickdraw Dick doesn’t have a mirror though to be fair, even if he did it’s unlikely he would generate a reflection. 

How can I do any better than right wing loon/genius Ann Coulter who weighed in with, “This is why I think the shutdown was so magnificent, run beautifully. I’m so proud of these Republicans. And that is because they have branded the party as the anti-Obamacare party.” Yes who would have guessed that the anti-Social Security, anti-Medicare party would hate Obamacare even though it is essentially an old conservative plan. Let’s face it, if the Tea Party has Dick Cheney and Ann Coulter singing its praises, it could be that my work here is done.  

But Wait, There's More 

 We shouldn’t be surprised that the Tea Party won’t give up on killing Obamacare. The Republican’ts still haven’t given up trying to kill Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, Headstart, food stamps, welfare, minimum wage, taxes on the rich...They screamed and carried on about Social Security before it was implemented in the 1930s and haven’t stopped their tantrum yet. In a 1961 LP entitled Ronald Reagan Speaks Out Against Socialized Medicine, Reagan criticized Social Security for replacing private savings and warned that subsidized medicine would put an end to Americans' freedom. The Great Cartoon Character Communicator warned that "pretty soon your son won't decide when he's in school, where he will go or what he will do for a living. He will wait for the government to tell him." Regan assured America it would turn into a socialist nightmare state if Medicare was passed adding, "Under this scenario we are going to spend our sunset years telling our children and our children's children, what it once was like in America when men were free." That of course was before he became president and most of his administration went on trial for trading arms for hostages during the Iran-Contra scandal. Curing his spare time as president, between all his tax increases and bloating of the federal government, Regan increased Medicare benefits, and spent his sunset years testifying that he couldn't remember anything that occurred during his presidency.  

I don’t recall the Republican’ts being upset that St. Ronnie sold weapons to Iran after Congress told him no, which is unconstitutional, something they claim to hate. Then they stood by while President Moron sprung Medicare Part D on us and said, “any time Washington passes a new law, sometimes the transition period can be interesting…We had some early challenges.” The roll-out of this horrible program was anything but smooth - not to mention the plan itself. You may remember that Bush signed Part D into law without paying for it, which he pretty much did with everything during his time as “president.” Where was the Tea Party then? I guess it's okay when white presidents subvert the Constitution and balloon the deficit, even if they weren't actually elected. 

The Republican’t blocktivists will proudly stand in the way of anything that benefits the majority of Americans, particularly the poor, who, if the Republican’ts get their way will soon make up the majority of Americans. Now that the Tea Party has had a chance to strut its stuff their approval rating is quickly whirling down the toilet. Just recently Tea Party Joker/King Texas "Ted" Cruz was unendorsed by the Houston Chronicle with great vigor, more vigor in fact than their initial endorsement, which was given with great reservation.  

In Other (more or less unrelated) News 

You may not know this but almost every week at least one child, between the ages of 2 and 8, shoots someone, usually himself or herself, fatally. Again I ask: Who will protect us from the Second Amendment? 

I. Mangrey reporting.

Thanks for listening. Don't shoot; I'm unarmed.

Cruz Vows To Make Same Mistake Over And Over

Tea Party Ted: The Texas Twizzler

Washington, DC

October 19, 2013

Raphael “Ted” Cruz, claiming a "remarkable victory" after his brutal, crushing, embarrassing, mortifying, ignominious, utter defeat this week is now saying that he won’t rule out another government shut-down over Obamacare. He whipped his Little Rascals into a frenzy, resolute in their crusade to squash affordable health care for millions of Americans by first shutting down the government and then threatening to throw the US into default. He got his shutdown, then his spanking, which to him was a "remarkable victory." Cruz did everything but hoist up a MISSION ACCOMPLISHED banner. What is it with these fake Texans? Ted's originally from Canada, where I guess his family was unable to rid the land of national health care, so they raised young Raphael "Ted" to do it here.

His moronic quest cost our economy at least $24 billion and damaged the fledgling recovery from George W. Bush's economic calamity that Cruz and his hench-mutants have been obstructing at every turn. We also have Cruz and company to thank for causing world-wide embarrassment as other countries watched, with a mixture of horror and disbelief, as America let a tiny minority act like they were in charge. These cretins make the Little Rascals look like the Harvard debate team.

Alfalfa Cruz struts his stuff

This radical anti-reality insurgency comprises less than one congress member per state, but they have the entire Republican't party trembling in fear. The so-called adults in the room simply watched their irrepressible little brain-damaged puppy soil every square inch of the Capitol over and over and over. They didn’t have the courage to hit them on the nose with a rolled up newspaper for repeatedly peeing on the carpet. Now they will never be house broken, leaving us with a broken House.

The Mad Halter prepares to drown Alice in a cup of Tea.

Alan Dershowitz, his one-time professor, says Cruz was one of the brightest in his class at Harvard Law School. This clearly puts to rest the myth that getting a top-notch education, even from such a vaunted institution, provides one with anything other than the ability to achieve high grades. I guess you can put lipstick on a pig but you can’t teach it to understand the nuances of government or interpersonal skills. Hell, you can’t even get it to serve a full term as governor of Alaska.

Enraptured by the mere thought of themselves,

the dyspeptic duo pretends to pledge allegiance to the flag.

The Tea Party’s patron saint of the week told this reporter, “I know this didn’t go exactly as I might have hoped but it was a tremendous victory nonetheless. I got to talk for twenty-one hours about all kinds of stuff. And everyone was watching me. I got to show off my unique perspective on Dr. Seuss. Everyone was talking about me for weeks. So I know it’s important to keep this fight going or everyone will either forget about me or just wish they never heard of me. And that would put a serious dent in my fund-raising ability, which got a massive boost from the dozens of people who want me to keep on fighting whatever it is I’m fighting. The main thing is, I’m not black…I mean Barack...Barack Obama. I just can’t risk taking too much time away from the camera, uh the Capitol. That could decrease my chances of running for president, which I’m not saying I am, but you just never know what God has in store for his faithful servant. Also I want to do what I think is right for America even if most of America wishes I’d get hit by a bus.” Full disclosure: Cruz didn't stop there, he kept talking for several more hours, but I'm sure you've heard enough.

Tune in next week when Ted The Tumor leads the charge against immigration reform, the EPA, the IRS, homosexuality, poor people getting food and voting. The good news is that Cruz seems to be tearing the Republican't Party limb from loon.

In closing, I leave you with this actual quote from freshman Congressman Markwayne Mullin from Oklahoma: “This country isn’t ran by just one individual it’s ran by four branches, but three branches that are in control of this.”

I. Mangrey and T. Doff reporting.

Thanks for listening. Smoke 'em if you've got 'em.

Intellectual Shutdown, Whose Default Is It?

Shutdown, DC

October 11, 2013

The Tea Party's self-proclaimed uber patriots are plainly off their meds. Not that they were working very well to begin with. They are flailing about more than usual, even pissing off their principal benefactors, the Koch Brothers. But still, you can't help but wish the worst feel sorry for the poor little guys and gals. Like most small children they simply don't understand the complexities of the world and are convinced everything revolves around them. They just want to be loved, feared and worshipped like any other god-like figure - self-imagined or otherwise. After all they are the ones who know what's right. So why shouldn't they be ordained to re-create this nation in their own image? They know what they want and they know when they want it.

Rep. Marlin Stutzman (R-IN)

"We're not going to be disrespected. We have to get something out of this.

And I don't know what that even is." 

These soon-to-be-forgotten-folk-heroes pretend to be looking out for the little guy, except their grassroots movement for liberty and freedom is funded by people like the Koch Brothers, whose sole purpose in life is to use their inherited fortune to own America and its government. These Koch fiends are of the very ilk that inspired the Boston Tea Party - corporate robber barons. Though to be fair, our current Supreme Corporation Court has decided to bestow personhood on corporations. If corporations are people, most of them are clearly dangerous sociopaths that come from grossly dysfunctional families and should immediately seek professional help. I'm sure our tax dollars would cover the expenses…as usual.

Uncle Sam says "uncle" to Stockholm syndrome

This modern-day Symbionese Liberation Army, instead of taking some heiress hostage has taken our entire democracy to a completely disclosed location and are currently in the process of waterboarding it in plain sight. These uncanny political strategists shut down the federal government they so despise but were shocked to find that the federal government actually does quite a few things real people appreciate, such as ensuring poor single moms can feed their children, keeping national parks open for anyone to enjoy, Medicare, Social Security, veterans' benefits, stuff like that. Who knew?

These same buffoons then go and harass park rangers for keeping people out while they're in shutdown mode. It's not voter ID we need, we need some kind of testing to keep the severely mentally challenged from holding office, at least at the federal level. We cannot let the Virgil Starkwell of politics to hold a gub to our heads, and expect us to abt natural while they Take The Government and Run.

These are the climate change deniers. These are the federal government default deniers. These are the sworn enemies of reality. But they’re just so damned funny to watch. Just like those adorable gremlins in the movie:

Just don't get them wet or expose them to elected office or they become:

This latest batch must have wet themselves pretty badly by the looks of things. With patriots like these, who needs terrorists? It seems no one can stop them but themselves. Thankfully it appears they are well on their way to doing just that.

I. Mangrey reporting.

Thanks for tuning in. If I'm wrong, just tell me.