Cruz Vows To Make Same Mistake Over And Over

Tea Party Ted: The Texas Twizzler

Washington, DC

October 19, 2013

Raphael “Ted” Cruz, claiming a "remarkable victory" after his brutal, crushing, embarrassing, mortifying, ignominious, utter defeat this week is now saying that he won’t rule out another government shut-down over Obamacare. He whipped his Little Rascals into a frenzy, resolute in their crusade to squash affordable health care for millions of Americans by first shutting down the government and then threatening to throw the US into default. He got his shutdown, then his spanking, which to him was a "remarkable victory." Cruz did everything but hoist up a MISSION ACCOMPLISHED banner. What is it with these fake Texans? Ted's originally from Canada, where I guess his family was unable to rid the land of national health care, so they raised young Raphael "Ted" to do it here.

His moronic quest cost our economy at least $24 billion and damaged the fledgling recovery from George W. Bush's economic calamity that Cruz and his hench-mutants have been obstructing at every turn. We also have Cruz and company to thank for causing world-wide embarrassment as other countries watched, with a mixture of horror and disbelief, as America let a tiny minority act like they were in charge. These cretins make the Little Rascals look like the Harvard debate team.

Alfalfa Cruz struts his stuff

This radical anti-reality insurgency comprises less than one congress member per state, but they have the entire Republican't party trembling in fear. The so-called adults in the room simply watched their irrepressible little brain-damaged puppy soil every square inch of the Capitol over and over and over. They didn’t have the courage to hit them on the nose with a rolled up newspaper for repeatedly peeing on the carpet. Now they will never be house broken, leaving us with a broken House.

The Mad Halter prepares to drown Alice in a cup of Tea.

Alan Dershowitz, his one-time professor, says Cruz was one of the brightest in his class at Harvard Law School. This clearly puts to rest the myth that getting a top-notch education, even from such a vaunted institution, provides one with anything other than the ability to achieve high grades. I guess you can put lipstick on a pig but you can’t teach it to understand the nuances of government or interpersonal skills. Hell, you can’t even get it to serve a full term as governor of Alaska.

Enraptured by the mere thought of themselves,

the dyspeptic duo pretends to pledge allegiance to the flag.

The Tea Party’s patron saint of the week told this reporter, “I know this didn’t go exactly as I might have hoped but it was a tremendous victory nonetheless. I got to talk for twenty-one hours about all kinds of stuff. And everyone was watching me. I got to show off my unique perspective on Dr. Seuss. Everyone was talking about me for weeks. So I know it’s important to keep this fight going or everyone will either forget about me or just wish they never heard of me. And that would put a serious dent in my fund-raising ability, which got a massive boost from the dozens of people who want me to keep on fighting whatever it is I’m fighting. The main thing is, I’m not black…I mean Barack...Barack Obama. I just can’t risk taking too much time away from the camera, uh the Capitol. That could decrease my chances of running for president, which I’m not saying I am, but you just never know what God has in store for his faithful servant. Also I want to do what I think is right for America even if most of America wishes I’d get hit by a bus.” Full disclosure: Cruz didn't stop there, he kept talking for several more hours, but I'm sure you've heard enough.

Tune in next week when Ted The Tumor leads the charge against immigration reform, the EPA, the IRS, homosexuality, poor people getting food and voting. The good news is that Cruz seems to be tearing the Republican't Party limb from loon.

In closing, I leave you with this actual quote from freshman Congressman Markwayne Mullin from Oklahoma: “This country isn’t ran by just one individual it’s ran by four branches, but three branches that are in control of this.”

I. Mangrey and T. Doff reporting.

Thanks for listening. Smoke 'em if you've got 'em.