April 18, 2018
Paying Attention Goes
Hollywood
You have never seen reality TV before. Ever. You may think
you have, but you are wrong. Believe me. Hear me now and thank me later. I
alone can fix this. Forget the Kardashians, the Real Housewives, Survivor, Big
Brother and all the rest of the fake-reality TV pasteurized, processed
entertainment product. Here comes the real deal. You will not be able to look
away. You will not watch any other shows. You will seriously consider quitting
your job. I mean, more than usual. The best, most beautifully terrific
entertainment is coming soon.
Many people are saying that the Chrump “prezidency” is as
entertaining as it gets. Sure it causes ulcers, migraines, shortness of breath,
tachycardia, insomnia, narcolepsy, projectile vomiting and bleeding from the
eyes, and the ears and the wherever. But, it is entertaining dammit. Do you
think Mike Pence would be this funny? Well, do ya punk?
Chrump is willing to do anything to get the big ratings.
Anything. Insult women – not just some, but all
of them, insult entire races of people, or nationalities. Belittle and agitate world
leaders, praise dictators, humiliate American law enforcement, the courts, the
media and intelligence (of every sort). Hell, he would even get impeached if it
was during sweeps week. He denigrates everyone around him – family, staff,
cabinet members, boy scouts, porn stars. No one that spends more than 30
seconds in his presence emerges unsullied. Nothing is off the table for Chrump;
except perhaps common sense, lucid thought, or any sort of knowledge, but none
of that crap sells anyway.
Unfortunately for Chrump, a large majority of his involuntary
audience simply want him off the air, out of the House, and off the island. Is
Elba still available? I hear Alcatraz has some vacancies. This was true even
before the pilot episode sullied the airwaves, or cable, or fiber-optic or
satellite, or Crap Chat, or whatever it is the kids are watching these days.
While The Chrump Show may have many viewers, most of them are only watching to see
when and how it will finally, mercifully, end, and whether anything they once
held dear will be left intact. Like Seinfeld, which so many people watched to
see what horrible behaviors would happen next. The big differences of course,
1) Seinfeld was hysterically funny, and 2) it was fiction. Chrump is literally
hysterical and all the fiction is in his head, but it dictates our reality.
Napoleon sure has some big
hands
With each grueling episode, the majority of his audience keeps
hanging in there, despite their better judgment, only to grow more weary, more
disgusted, more emotionally and mentally unstable. Obviously, there are some
who cherish their Human-Cheeseburger-in-chief, and hang on his every
ill-advised, incoherent, insincere tweet. They watch with glee, while most of
us look on with clenched fists, teeth and eyes. But, we all continue to watch,
however painful it might be. And, as you well know, it is perpetually and profusely
painful. Take heart in knowing that it will end eventually, and very likely
before it was scheduled to do so. And then what will you do?
Best Sequel Ever.
Ever.
An excited television executive producer said, “We’ve got a
sequel that will absolutely crush the original series. In most cases, the
sequel simply bombs. Best case scenario, it does almost as well as the
original. Not this time. What we have here is pure television gold. No,
diamonds. They’re forever, right? Nobody will be able to resist this. We will
start with a block of weeknight prime time episodes, but the plan – if this
thing goes the way we think it will, sponsors are literally begging us for
slots – is to create something like C-SPAN. That’s right, 24/7 baby. All Chrumps
all the time. No one will be able to touch these ratings. Believe me. This will
make reality TV great again. We would like to thank Robert Mueller, Rod
Rosenstein and of course, our star, without whom none of this would be
possible. Also, we have to thank the man of the hour, Michael Cohen – we have
already sent him a check for $130K, and he is worth every penny. And, I would
be remiss if I left out the one and only Stormy Daniels. We love you Donny.”
For the record, Chrump says he had no idea that Cohen wrote
Stormy Daniels a check or why he might have done so. He does not deny having an
affair with Daniels, but said, “I really don’t believe I ever had sex with her,
but you’ll have to ask my daughter Ivanka about that. I just don’t know
anything about it.” It appears that Chrump’s fixer is badly broken. We could
not have invented a better end to season one or a better lead-in to what will
be, without question, the best television of all time.
TV Or Not TV, That Is
the Question
Get ready for the most addicting reality TV of all time.
This will be the biggest, most terrific, most beautiful show ever. This is no
hoax folks. Join us next Tuesday at 9:00 PM EST for CHRUMP
FAMILY HOUSE ARREST.
They’re all together, forever,
having a ball…and chain
Many people said it could never happen. They said Chrump could
do whatever he wants. Grab ‘em by the p*$$y…well, he said he could. He thought he could pay off a porn star (and
perhaps many others) to keep quiet about their affair, but then his “attorney”
blew the whole thing up. Chrump said he could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and
not lose a single vote. As it turned out, doing that would have been less of a
problem than what he actually did. Conspiracy, money laundering, campaign
finance crime, fraud, tax evasion, obstruction of justice, treason, immeasurable
ignorance. He was right about one thing though – no collusion. Too bad, since
collusion is not a crime…like all the things he definitely did.
Anyway, they will all be back home where they belong, in
their big beautiful Mor-on-Lago, but now they will all be together all of the
time. All of them. All the time. They can get in, but they can’t get out.
Doomed to a life of McDonald’s, KFC, Taco Bell, Diet Coke. Delivered right to
their door – because they cannot leave. Well, at least one of them will be
happy, knowing his food is not being poisoned. Though now, he might be willing
to take more chances.
The Electoral College cannot save them now. Never again will
they eat or visit or slowly sip their much-loved Covfefe. They will not enjoy
another visit the very beautiful mountain beaches of Nambia – the island nation
that exists only in the fevered mind of their child patriarch, little Donny, Sr.
The beautiful island of Nambia. An island surrounded by water. Big water. Ocean
water. And, it is landlocked.
This time for real, he will not be visiting his many
fabulous golf courses. All those tax cuts he gave himself? Can’t use them where
he’s not going.
The realest TV you will ever see. The most fun you will ever
have. Don’t miss it. Don’t miss them.
Make America greater than ever, or at least greater than the Chrump days. It’s
a low bar after all. Not so much a bar as a chalk line on the ground.
Turn on, tune in, throw up.
The Paying Attention Team
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