Bush It

Tweedle Dope and Tweedle Dork

Lost in the Bushes
November 4, 2015

You would be forgiven, nay applauded, for being oblivious to the fact that John Ellis Bush is still running for the Republican’t nomination for president. And you would have my undying envy. J.E.B. believes that his candidacy remains viable because his big brother’s approval rating has risen out of the toilet. Huh? He believes this despite the overwhelming evidence that just about everyone not named Bush (or on the Bush payroll) can see very clearly - that J.E.B. is a talentless, ineffectual hack with the personality of a block of Velveeta cheese.* Yet we have been told for years that he was the smart Bush. More Bush-style misunderestimation or oxymoron?

Of course nothing says more about a presidential candidate’s qualifications than having his failure-of-a-brother become less spectacularly unpopular thanks to the American public’s inability to remember anything other than their own names for longer than 15 minutes. Perhaps all this explains why J.E.B. is languishing at around 5% in national polling. And don’t even ask who he is losing to. Or to whom he is losing, for those of you partial to grammar.

From a guy who is far ahead of J.E.B. in the polls

Bush was recently asked if people were underestimating his comeback ability at this point in the GOP race in light of his lackluster performance. J.E.B. responded, "They don't know me. They don't know me. I eat nails when I wake up, then I have breakfast."

I don’t think the phrase “I eat nails” means what Bush thinks. It does not mean that every morning, before getting out of bed that you spend a half hour biting your fingernails down to the cuticles because you are afraid of your own shadow, finally mustering up the courage to scurry downstairs to have an actual food-type breakfast spoon-fed into your quivering mouth. 

New-Improved-Same-Old-Same-Old

J.E.B., treading political water like a three-legged poodle fallen off a cruise ship out at sea, is pulling out all the stops to save his campaign. He has suddenly come out with a new e-book - Reply All - which means he just couldn’t wait the time it would take for binding and printing and paying money for same. The Smart Bush has also brought in a top staffer from brother George’s barely-eked-out reelection** campaign to be his new chief operating officer. I guess we can expect a major swift-boating effort against Chrump and Carson any minute now. Too bad for J.E.B. that neither of these candidates ever had military experience to exploit like George’s campaign did to decorated veteran John Kerry. That is, unless you count Dr. Ben’s heroic episode at the Popeye’s organization - the details of which the poor doctor (take that any way you wish) simply cannot pin down. All of this is part of the new “improved” “Jeb Can Fix It” tour. Does he mean he can fix his pitiful campaign? Fix your last traffic ticket? Fix the country? Like he fixed Terri Schiavo? Fix it so America will never open its eyes ever again? Fix you J.E.B.

Meanwhile…

Current frontrunner and current-and-future-non-president Ben Carson is on a book tour and wants to assure us that because he’s not a politician he “doesn’t sit around and strategize.” Heaven forbid. I’m not a fan of politicians as a rule, but I think strategizing is okay to do, whatever your ambitions are. Maybe it’s just me. What I really want to know is: Are Ben Carson learning? Carson claims he was sabotaged by a rival who disclosed Ben’s ten-year long relationship with discredited snake oil company, Mannatech Inc. I mean come on, how could God’s own candidate resist anything with Manna in it? Mannatech settled a false advertising lawsuit in Texas for $7 million over claims its products cure autism and cancer and Carson has practically been a spokesmodel for them. But despite myriad facts to the contrary, he takes umbrage at the very notion, saying of those who would dare spread such verifiable evidence, “That’s a submarine that’s sent by them.” Mental Ben failed to mention whose fault it was that he lied through his teeth when questioned about it during the last debate. Maybe he was sleeptalking again.

Way back in 2014 Carson told an audience, “A large number of Americans, they go into that voting booth looking for a D, an R, or a name that looks familiar. The name could be Satan, they would say, ‘Ah yeah, I recognize that name.’ Sometimes it’s worse than Satan.” Couldn’t have said it better myself doc.

Q: How can you tell that Ben Carson is lying?
A: His eyes are open…or closed.

*not actually cheese, but a pasteurized process cheese food product (not to be confused with weapons of mass destruction related program activities)

**only considered re-election by those unwilling to accept that George W. Bush was not in fact elected in 2000, but was instead appointed by the Supreme Court after they stopped the recount in Florida (whose governor at the time was, strangely enough, John Ellis Bush). George W. Bush would be more accurately described as an appointment process president fool product.

I. Mangrey reporting. I'm the derider.