Debate Prep Poop

Happy Trails To You, Until We Vote Again

University of Colorado Boulder
October 28, 2015

I’m sorry to keep bothering you with all this as you are most likely trying your best to ignore all the pseudo-presidential-primary goings on, seeing as it is more than twelve months before the 2016 election. And you are wise to do so, but just in case you wish to eavesdrop just a bit more I give you this next installment of I. Mangrey @ Politics in anti-anticipation of tonight’s debate.

Don Cry For Me, Are You

Rapidly deflating Republican’t primary contestant and world-class hot air buffoon, Donald Chrump is approaching the Hindenburg phase of his trash-talking campaign. Chrump appears more and more exasperated as he watches arch rival Ben Carson overtake his cartoon campaign with a childlike simplicity and utter lack of awareness usually reserved for your Sarah Palins and Michelle Bachmanns and with all the effervescence excitement of a coma ward.

Chrump’s latest tweet has him (or the recently fired intern who Chrump accused of dissing Iowans in his name via Twitter) predicting “what I am sure will be a very unfair debate!” Apparently Chrump is concerned that other candidates will be permitted to speak.Chrump is hard at work trying to convince actual people that he is just like them. "It has not been easy for me," he said. "I started off in Brooklyn. My father gave me a small loan of a million dollars. I came into Manhattan, and I had to pay him back. And I had to pay him back with interest. But I came into Manhattan. I started buying up properties, and I did great." I assume Mr. Chrump is waxing psychotic about his pre-multiple-bankruptcy phase. Who among us cannot identify with Chrump’s ordeal – a strict father doling out no more than the bare minimum of millions – one. Imagine how you would feel if someone you looked up to had the gall to give you not ten, not three, but one measly little million of dollars.* Thankfully my father never tried to pull such a pathetic stunt with me. And that is the main reason we are still on speaking terms to this day.

NEW From the “mind” of Donald Chrump

If you think America is crippled now, and Chrump does,
just elect Chrump and crippled America will
quickly become the good old days
 

Chrump told an excited sociopathic audience, drooling on his every word, “They now have Super Duper PACs (Political Action Committees) and those PACs control the candidates. Carson is controlled by his PAC. Bush is controlled by his PAC. Rubio is controlled by his PAC. I am not controlled by any PAC. I am controlled only by my PECKER (Pathetically Excessive Creep Kicks Every Rival). And yes it’s a Super PECKER as you might imagine. It’s clearly not my brain doing all this. I do whatever my PECKER tells me to do.

*This, strangely enough, does not include several other millions of dollars Daddy Chrump bestowed upon his Little Donnie. Some of these millions, even strangelier enough, came in the form of an illegal loan. Apparently the fart doesn’t fall far from the tree. None of this actually seems strange once you realize that every word that escapes from Chrump’s front hole is a lie. And he is not really a politician, so there is simply no excuse.

Mental Ben

Since Ben Carson is retired from performing brain surgery (Whew!) and is no longer pointing out more lucrative targets to ill-meaning gunmen in Popeye’s organizations, he seems to have only two speeds – Hitler and Slavery. Just about everything Carson dislikes can somehow be likened to slavery (Obamacare, abortion) or Hitler (sane gun laws, politically correct language in America). "I mean, [our society is] very much like Nazi Germany,” said Carson in 2014. He recently told a New Hampshire crowd, “You know I think back to Nazi Germany — and I know the politically correct police say you are not allowed to say Nazi Germany but I am going to say it anyway because I don’t care what they say,”. "And some people say 'Oh nothing like that could happen in America.' I beg to differ." I don’t know who exactly Carson believes the politically correct police are or just what laws he imagines they have been enforcing, but I don’t know anyone who says you are not allowed to say Nazi Germany. There’s the rub. Ben’s imagination, such as it is, is simply limited to saying things that make him appear to be Hitler...I mean less than intelligent.

Why can’t the good doctor be more like convicted felon and ex-House Majority Leader Tom Delay (is that a great name for a Republican’t congressman or what!?) who merely wants to impeach Obama if he implements an executive order that would compel high-volume gun dealers to perform background checks on buyers. See, is that so difficult? Even the old Hammer didn’t have to bring up Hitler on this one.
 

Ben knows as much about politics, economics, foreign policy, religion, the environment, women’s health, Hitler, slavery, history, government, the Second Amendment, the rest of the Constitution as I know about separating conjoined twins. And I have no doubt he would make as good a president as I would a neurosurgeon. So it is with this in mind that I ask you for your vote, next November. Yes, I am officially announcing my candidacy for America’s most amazing brain surgeon. My Super PAC (Perpetual Aggravation Committee), IMangrey@Politics 2016 will be accepting large donations of any size in the very near future. And not just from my father. Remember, if you are conjoined twins you are not permitted to donate twice as much, at least not until you have been surgically separated.

I. Mangrey reporting. You reader retorting.