Is That A Gun In Your Hand, Or Are You Just Mad To See Me?

A Bullet Is Worth A Thousand (S)Words (Or Lives)

Never Never Land
October 9, 2015

Since we cannot seem to have a multiple-digit-IQ type dialogue about gun laws, maybe it’s time to change the conversation. I just can’t take any more of the grunting and shooting coming from the Guns Über Alles crowd. Almost 20 years ago Republicants, insisting that gun play had nothing to do with public health, saw to it that government-funded research on gun violence was ended. Now why didn’t I think of that? Don’t you miss the days when Congress was able to get things done?

Republican’t expert witness testifying before Congress (and naptime)

It’s like all that climate change nonsense. Who wants to waste valuable time on something that happens so slowly and is, according to a number of very loud people, actually a hoax? I sure don’t. So what if Exxonknew by the late 1970s that the Earth’s climate was being seriously compromised, and would continue to be compromised, by fossil fuel consumption? Come on, their middle name is fossil fuel consumption - well actually, their middle name is XX, but that’s a little scary and/or vaguely pornographic. Don’t be such a baby. And so what if in the 1980s they analyzed their data and decided their next move was financing an aggressive climate change denial effort? What would you do if you were Exxon? Admit that your entire raison d’être was killing the planet and anyone who happened to be living on it? That’s crazy talk. That’s no way for a responsible corporation-person to behave. Grow up already. Solutions are messy and require inordinate amounts of effort - unless you are investigating something that is actually nothing, like Benghazi. It’s much easier to round up loud stupid people to convince people that if they can’t see it right in front of them it doesn’t exist.

Get A Clue

Clearly America is unready and unwilling to make guns more difficult to obtain – more difficult say than adopting a dog or cat, or becoming a massage therapist or breastfeeding in public. Every day time there is a mass shooting the gun worshippers simply turn the other glock, cry out for more guns and blame everything on the mentally ill. Guns don’t kill people, mentally ill people kill people. Some might say that pretty much anyone who kills someone else, especially for no immediately recognizable reason, is mentally unwell. I am not including in this category the 11 year old who fatally shot his 8 year old neighbor because she wouldn’t let him pet her dog in White Pine, Tennessee this week. He’s just a kid; I’m sure he has excellent role models at home.

And what do you get?

The thing is, most mentally disturbed individuals never kill anyone, whether with a revolver, a dagger, a candlestick, a rope, a lead pipe, a sixteen ton weight or a pointed stick or whatever. So the one thing that remains constant in all gun related murders is...all together now – GUNS. Or maybe you prefer to blame the bullets. Chris Rock talked about making bullets cost $5000 each so people would think twice about using them so frivolously. This of course assumes that there is thought involved. But bullets don’t kill people either, it’s all that senseless bleeding. If people just had the presence of mind not to bleed so much after standing in front of a moving bullet, there wouldn’t be any problem at all. You’re welcome.

Open-carry Jesus

It seems increasingly unavoidable that America will go for anything other than, not just concealed-carry or open-carry, but mandatory-carry. I get the feeling that if anyone tries to take one single gun away from any of these güüns the rest of them will cry “Tyranny” and start shooting up the place. In the New America, anyone who insists on walking around without a firearm will be required by law to be removed from the gene pool. Problem solved.

                          Dr. Ben revving up the crowd at the second debate

And apparently Republican’t candidate and neurologically challenged narcoleptic ex-neurosurgeon, Ben Carson contributed the following to the dialogue while discussing the most recent (as of this moment*) mass shooting, in Oregon, “Not only would I probably not cooperate with him, I would not just stand there and let him shoot me. I would say ‘Hey, guys, everybody attack him! He may shoot me but he can't get us all.’” Then Ben had a good laugh. Yeah, you tell ‘em Ben. You’ve got it all figured out - not like it’s brain surgery or anything. I hope this brain-dead ex-brain surgeon gets a chance to show off his technique soon. Hopefully, he’s not one of those goofy bleeders.

I. Mangrey reporting. Shoot ‘em if you’ve got ‘em.

UPDATE: I spoke too soon. Another shooting in Arizona before I could get this to press.