Washington,
TX
September 24, 2013
The latest loon to carry the torch-of-the-touched for the
ridiculous-radical-right-wing-fringe of the Republican’t Party, Senator Ted
Cruz (R-TX) (whose texting handle, rumor has it, is Hugh Jassoll) continues to
impress the intellectually-unfunded Tea Party crowd with his latest stunning
and futile gesture. Despite overwhelming opposition from all sentient beings
and most Republican’ts, Cruz is flashing a big Texass middle finger to
Americans’ ability to have access to affordable healthcare as he tilts at a
government shutdown over funding Obamacare.
"I intend to speak in support of defunding Obamacare
until I am no longer able to stand," said the factless, feckless Cruz
adding, "All across this country, Americans are suffering because of
Obamacare. Obamacare isn't working." Actually, he’s the one who isn’t
working…or thinking. And many more Americans are suffering just from the sound
of his voice, not to mention the things he actually says out loud. This Harvard/Princeton
elitist, who believed himself too good to study with the losers from Penn and
Brown, launched a meaningless twenty-one hour moronthon just to hear himself
squawk. Cruz very likely knows his senatorial stall will achieve nothing other
than being the opening movement of his Magical Misanthropy Tour (i.e., presidential
campaign). If Cruz the law student was too good to be seen with anyone from
Penn or Brown how must the freshman (and soon to be one-term) freak show
senator really feel about all his Tea Party adorers many of whom can’t even
spell Penn or Brown and certainly can’t relate to a Canadian-born-Ivy-Leaguer
like Cruz?
“Oh
shit, I must have left my brain in my other head.”
The Sound of One Lip Flapping
I wonder if he did in fact hear himself. I’m guessing he
didn’t because he just kept squawking. With a squeaking speaking voice that
makes Sean Hannity sound like Pavarotti, Cruz waxed moronic about…oh hell, who
am I kidding, I didn’t watch more than a few secondhand clips. I did manage to
see him compare everyone unwilling to defund Obamacare to Nazi appeasers in the
‘40s. Brilliant. I finally get it, providing affordable healthcare for millions
of Americans is just like committing genocide. Wait. What? Why is it that these
petty tyrant corporate hacks can’t get through a sentence without accusing
everyone who disagrees with them of Hitlerophilia?
Cruz decided his time would be well spent verbally flinging
feces in a faux filibuster. Cruz’s crazy fact-free foray into legislative limbo
boasted less meaningful content than your average cat video even though the
average cat video is approximately forty-five seconds and the mentally crippled
Cruz blathered on for almost an entire day. George W. Bush, Rick Perry, Ted
Cruz? What is in the water in Texas? Or is it the tea? Oh and did I mention
that one of his few admitted supporters is Sarah Palin?
Can you
find the senator?*
Green Eggs and Harm
Next, the barely hinged Hugh Jassoll read Sam I Am to his
colleagues, who were probably plotting ways to enter the witless protection
program rather than admit to being part of the same dysfunctional cabal as
Cruz. Cruz explained that like Green Eggs and Ham, Obamacare just wasn't
something anyone liked. It seems our hero has the same grasp of Dr. Seuss' Green
Eggs and Ham as he does the United States Constitution - he can read and
pronounce the words (he is a lawyer after all), but he clearly has no actual
understanding of what the words mean. Unbeknownst to Mr. Cruz, Green Eggs and
Ham were only disliked because they hadn't been tried yet. Once the nameless
nudnik who would not eat them in a boat and would not eat them with a goat and
would not eat them in the rain or in the dark or on a train finally tasted the
unusual delicacy, he decided that YES he would eat them in a box and he would
eat them with a fox and he would eat them in a house and also eat them with a
mouse. It turned out in fact that he would eat them here and there – he would
eat them ANYWHERE. Ted Cruz ladies and gentlemen - soon-to-be ex-senator,
magnificently-failed presidential candidate, and star of Beyond The Stupid
Dome.
Duck! Dick!
In a shockingly unsurprising and unfortunately unrelated
turn of events, Dick Cheney suffered another firearm malfunction. Cheney, never
satisfied just shooting off his mouth, or someone else's mouth cost his team a victory last week at the One Shot
Antelope Hunt when his gun malfunctioned. Dick’s
most recent errant discharge did not result in him shooting anyone, especially
the junior senator from Texas Ted Cruz, in the face. Perhaps the most
unsurprising aspect of the mishap was Cheney’s blaming of the equipment. "I don't take it personally,"
Cheney told the crowd at the event's awards banquet. "I'm sure there was some
flaw with the manufacturer." I’m sure he’s
waiting for his rifle to apologize to him. It’s just never his fault.
Macho, Macho Man
Finally, you heard it here first: like so many virulently
anti-gay public figures, Vladimir Putin is a closeted homosexual. It's as plain
as the nose Dick Cheney shot off Harry Whittington's face. Not that there’s
anything wrong with that.
Vlad
the Lad, sauntering down the stream
*This was a
trick question. They are all senators, one of them happens to be Ted Cruz.
I. Mangrey
reporting. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Thanks for listening. Pass it on.
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