Chrumping Ourselves Back To The Stone Age

Grabbing The Headlines

All Over, The F*&#ing Place
October 13, 2016

Talking Out of Both Sides of His Face Sphincter

“And even the polls are crooked. I’m telling you.” Don Chrump, October 10, 2016

“Out of all the online polls, we won 10 out of 10 of them by big margins.” Don Chrump, October 12, 2016

Talking Out of His Lower Sphincter

“We’re doing something that’s incredible, it’s a movement. But if we don’t win all it is is just a little asterik (sic) in history…make sure you get out and vote – November 28^th.”  Don Chrump, October 11, 2016

Ship of Fool

The Titanic of presidential candidates appears to have, let’s say nudged the iceberg. In true Chrump fashion, even though everyone is telling him it is an iceberg he will put it in reverse and then floor it for another collision. He will, as always, prevail. Sure, there is a yuuuuge gash in the hull, the crew is donning life vests and directing traffic toward safety, women and children are piling into lifeboats, the band is still playing because Chrump is threatening to sue them if they stop, but the ship’s captain has gone full-on King Lear. “This ocean is rigged. Nobody is a better captain than Donald J. Chrump. I know the ocean better than whales do. I have a great relationship with the fishes. This is not an iceberg, I’ll just grab it by the pussy and show it who’s boss. Never give up. Never turn back. Full steam ahead. And just for good measure, hoist up the MISSION ACCOMPLISHED banner. I never fail. I never lose. I never fail. I never settle. Not as long as one single person wants to watch me on television. That makes me smart. I will defeat this iceberg just like Napoleon defeated Waterloo. This is not an iceberg. Okay?”

It’s Debatable

The second presidential debate is now history. Chrump did a great job both convincing his minions to still vote for him and horrifying everyone else on the planet. If he can just keep this momentum going for another two weeks America will be great and the Chrump brand will be relegated to the dustbin of history where it belongs. Don did manage to drop a major bombshell to kick off the second debate: Bill Clinton had sex with women other than his wife. Who knew? Everyone who was born yesterday is shocked. The ever petulant Chrump made this very clear in between Category 4 sniffles (I am surprised that his tiny hands were able to keep the microphone from being sucked up through his nose and slamming right into his shriveled brain), peddling old lies and repeatedly debunked conspiracy theories, and in between whiny tantrums about being picked on by the moderators (“It’s one against three.” “Why don’t you interrupt her? You interrupt me all the time.”). Like a four year old who cannot seem to comprehend that his mother is on the phone and continues to flail about and demand her attention despite much finger wagging and being repeatedly shushed, Chrump picked up where he left off in the first debate with his constant interruptions. He has the best temperament.  

Pouty McFuckface stalking his opponent

 

When the Orange Lump was not either wandering aimlessly or literally stalking Clinton as she spoke, he used his face sphincter to call her the Devil, threaten to use a special prosecutor to put her in jail and insisted that she has hate in her heart. Given his history with women, this could have gotten much uglier than it did. Fortunately Hillary is well out of his age range for kissing or grabbing her…well, you know. Chrump cannot control his hands or his mouth, his thoughts or his whatever. Maybe he was off his game because a growing swath of the party for whom he is the standard-bearer doesn’t want to be caught dead endorsing him after his 4,378^th major malfunction. Not that he cares what they think. Maybe he was upset that his running mate is very, very disappointed in his potty mouth and hid from the public for a few days.

Maybe Chrump couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that he bragged about sexually molesting women. Maybe every time he is near Hillary something funny happens in his pants and it goes to his head. Maybe it is (sniff) too hard for him to (sniff) breathe when he is (sniff) engaged in something other than (sniff) “locker room talk”. Maybe his meds went haywire. Maybe whatever has him snorting like a demented warthog when he attempts to talk kicked in harder that he expected. Maybe he is simply incapable…

BREAKING NEWS

Unnamed spokesperson: “You’re better off
jabbing yourself with a dirty syringe.”

The National Institutes of Health and Center for Disease Control and Prevention has put out this emergency warning regarding having unprotected exposure to a dangerous pathogen:

We are putting out this unprecedented warning for American women to absolutely avoid places known to be expecting a visit from Donald Chrump. Mr. Chrump will be crisscrossing the United States for the next four weeks attempting to get your votes…and your whatever. This is particularly important if you are a female between the ages of 18 and 36. Do not take any chances; it is simply not worth the risk – if you can see this man, you’re too darn close. In addition to the risk of being verbally, emotionally and/or physically abused by someone who thinks he can do whatever he wants because he is famous, there is no way to know what kinds of diseases he might be carrying given his long history of despicable treatment of women. The way he acts, late-stage syphilis is a distinct possibility. This, coupled with Mr. Chrump’s proclivity to wantonly kiss and sexually assault any woman he finds attractive and then brag about it, constitute a national health emergency just waiting to happen. Zika mosquitos aint’ got nothing on this blood-sucking varmint. Please take every precaution any time you hear that Chrump is coming to your area. We strongly suggest you shelter in place until November 9^th, especially if you are planning to vote for the racist, woman-hating orange lunatic.

Beware lest he grab you by the pussy!
Why? Because he wants to.

We Now Return You to Your Regularly Scheduled Angst

…difficult to know for certain exactly what is going on in Chrump’s fevered brain.

Who’s With Him?

Chrump remains resolute in the face of the latest exposé of his deplorable behavior, “I don’t care how many loser Republicans withdraw their endorsements. I don’t need them. Paul Ryan is a communist. I don’t care if people decide that I’m a vile, serial assaulter of women. Hey it worked for my buddy Roger Ailes for decades…almost as long as me, and I’m much better looking and I’ve assaulted much better looking women than Roger. I don’t care if everyone who’s not a neo-Nazi, a white supremacist or whatever decide not to vote for me. I know more about ISIS, women, taxes, nuclear and the cyber than anyone ever. I have a very good brain. There’s no way I can lose. It doesn’t matter if don’t get any votes from the blacks or Latinos or women. If they want to be losers that’s their business. I don’t need voters to win this election. That I can tell you. I can win this election all by myself. That I can tell you.”

Let’s face it, both of these candidates have been running for president for decades, each in his or her own way. But now there is less than one month to go. One will win and one will lose, or one will win and everyone will lose. If Chrump gets…gulp…elected, there will be no need for a wall on our southern border. What Mexican, what foreigner in their right mind would consider coming into this country? The bigger question at that point? How many American citizens will be leaving?

If the election goes the other way, thousands of Muslims (and millions of Americans in general) will literally be dancing in the streets (for real this time) on November 9^th when the Thing of Queens tucks his orange tail between his puffy lips and waddles off into the sunset, into which he will quickly disappear since he and it are the same orange hue. Don’t stop at the sunset Don, keep walking toward the Sun, in space no one can hear you whine. 

BREAKINGER NEWS – PG*13 (and counting) 

The *Pussy Grabbing King of Mar-A-Lago is making headlines hourly now. There is just no way a small news outlet like ours can keep up. It appears that women across the nation are anxious to get something off their chests; off their chests, off their lips and off their whatevers, and that something is Don Chrump. We are now able to form a much clearer picture of what Don is like when he is unshackled. He is not taking the news well, shouting at the reporter who called him to get his side of the story and threatening to sue everyone in his path. Maybe he should have tapped into his excellent memory before deciding to use Bill Clinton’s sexual escapades as a campaign strategy. 



We cannot emphasize strongly enough the necessity of heeding the NIH/CDC warning from earlier today. Hide your daughters. Even the briefest contact could be toxic. If you see Chrump avert your eyes, avert your whatever. Just for the record and contrary to what Mr. Chrump has said, this reporter is quite sure that somebody respects women more than Chrump.

I. Mangrey unshackled. He who lives by the pussy dies by the pussy. 

Does He Kiss His Daughter With That Mouth?

A Real Handful

Excess Hollywood
October 8, 2016

I just can’t figure this thing out. To flee or not to flee that is the question. Many people are saying that I have been a bit obsessed with this Chrump thing. I don’t know why people would say something like this, but I read all the internets and I think I saw it somewhere, or someone told me, so I assume it must be true. It is painful to watch and painful to write about and I apologize for dragging you into this with me. That being said, as I had almost finished the report below, the One-Man Insane Clown Posse has outdone himself. As Category 5 storm Matthew prepared to batter the southeast coast of the United States, a Category Chrump Shit Storm blanketed the news. Though less devastating to life and property, this latest disclosure might put a permanent dent in the Candidate From Hell. Let me give you this excerpt straight from the horse’s ass’s mouth:

“I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know I am automatically attracted to beautiful women – I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star you can do anything, they let you do it…grab them by the p****. I can do any of that.”

Yes ladies and gentlemen there you have it, vintage Don Chrump on a hot mic with Access Hollywood circa 2005, talking about a married woman he was…shall we say pursuing…a few months after marrying his third soon-to-be-ex-wife Melania. I assume she has already signed a non-disclosure agreement.

Daughter Ivanka, who daddy Don has verbally groped on television and who he groped on stage at the RNC said this past May, “He's not a groper. He has total respect for women.” I hope she has a really good therapist.

Daddy dearest

Just for good luck, and this must be why the blacks love him so much, Chrump recently said he still believes that the Central Park Five (four black and one Hispanic – all teens), wrongly convicted of raping the Central Park Jogger and later exonerated, are guilty. Chrump at the time of the high profile crime, called for a reinstatement of the death penalty and rained hate down on these young boys. Obviously he was right, the actual perpetrator confessed for fun thirteen years later (in 2002) and the DNA that corroborated his confession were wrong. Nobody knows more about the justice system – law and order if you will – than Don Chrump.

It’s Official Now

Those Russian hackers mentioned below were officially accused by the Obama administration of carrying out an extensive hacking operation in an effort to interfere with the 2016 elections. Many people are saying that Obama is just angry because Putin likes Chrump more than him. According to Chrump, “Obama will never get away with this. He is grandstanding and trying to scare the American people with Russian hackers. I was the one who said the election would be rigged if I don’t win, so he’s just trying to say it will be rigged if I do win. What a loser. Why does Obama pick on the Russians? They never bothered anyone. Is he just jealous that they have a stronger leader? Many people are saying that. Many people. We’ll see. Mark my words, it was not the Russians. It could be China. It could also be lots of other people. It also could be somebody sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds, okay? Believe me.”

I. Mangrey reporting. It’s not my fault.                                        

****

Business As Unreal

October 6, 2016

The Republican’t candidate for president is clearly mellowing as he enters the last throes of the 2016 Election Era. Addressing one of the few minorities he has not brutally and repeatedly insulted, the Orange Oaf reached out with the kind of empathy and touching words that shows he really cares. “I don’t care how sick you are. I don’t care if you just came back from the doctor and he gave you the worst possible prognosis, meaning it’s over. You won’t be around in two weeks. Doesn’t matter. Hang out ‘til November 8^th get out and vote.” Yes he actually said that. He really does care…about himself. Only. Always.

Chrump is a faux businessman who started out on third base, always claiming he hit a triple and by most accounts is now somehow back on first base. He continually shrieks about how America needs someone like Donald Chrump who understands business in the White House to Make America Whatever Again. Let us assume for the sake of argument that Con…I mean Don understands business. Ouch, it hurt to even formulate that thought. Maybe I am mistaken, but I seem to recall another candidate – one who despite the will of the people ended up residing at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue – who also claimed great business sense and who also benefitted more from a family fortune than any trace of business acumen or mental ability. He was touted as the CEO president, which we were told would be so much better than all those incompetent lawyer presidents like Adams, Jefferson, Monroe, Lincoln and Clinton – to name only a few. Both Chrump and The Other Guy eschewed education. Both have obvious attention issues. Chrump miraculously lost close to a billion dollars running casinos (and thinks that qualifies him as a genius). The Other Guy couldn’t find oil in Texas. Oh, and his administration helped cause the worst recession since the Great Depression. Yes, more of that please.

At least The Other Guy had family and friends who knew their way around politics. Sure every last one of them was an insane, war-mongering sociopath, but hey, no one is perfect. Chrump has surrounded himself with the likes of Chris Christie who is on the verge of being impeached and/or being indicted for his role in Bridgegate and bankrupting New Jersey, Rudy Giuliani racist former mayor of New York who couldn’t string five words together without grousing about “9/11” suddenly forgot it ever happened while blaming Obama for the birth of terrorism on American soil, Newt Gingrich whose own party threw him under the bus, bringing an early, unceremonious end to his time as Speaker of the House, a team of ultra-right wing racists, and Vladimir Putin who is busy hacking everything from the DNC to multiple state voter registration databases just as Chrump asked.

Turds of a feather

All I can do is leave you with this…

I. Mangrey reporting. Resistance is futile.
                                                                                                    Mad in USA

WTF* 2016

Chrump Fiction

Somewhere, Right Next to Reality
October 2, 2016

So let me get this straight, Don Chrump can spend five racist years (so far) dogging the sitting president of the United States about his birth certificate – something no other president has ever been asked to provide – but a professional conman, with no discernable qualifications, who repeatedly filed for bankruptcy, has a history of questionable international connections including apparently disregarding the embargo against doing business with Cuba, a scam “university” facing a class action suit, bragged that he has not paid any federal income tax, claims he is being and has been audited by the IRS for fifteen years and whose “charity” foundation is currently under investigation by the attorney general of New York (who also called Chrump University “a straight up fraud”) does by not have to show the American public his tax returns – something every presidential candidate has done since a man called Nixon – the original Law and Order candidate. I have the best sentences.

Chrump told the debate audience (during one of his numerous interruptions) that not paying federal taxes “makes me smart.” (Wrong.) Let’s accept that his premise is correct (Wrong. Wrong. It is not correct.) just for the sake of argument. If not paying taxes makes one smart (It does not.) then Chrump is obviously the exception that proves the rule. (I did not say that, but if I had said it, it is because it is true.)

Pasty-face over here could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody
and he wouldn’t lose any voters. So who’re you planning to vote for?

The man who tried to force his second wife to pose nude for Playboy, has been accused of rape three times (including by one of his wives) and treated marriage like it was “The Apprentice”, cheating on his wives and bragging about it, always having his next contestant in pre-production before telling his current wife (each of whom had to sign a non-disclosure agreement in order to continue receiving alimony), “You’re fired,” thinks it’s a good idea to bring up Hillary’s husband’s infidelities to go after her. As everyone knows, and many people are saying, Chrump is currently trying figure out how to replace his current wife – who is nearing her marital expiration date – with his oldest daughter. He has the best ideas.

While blaming Hillary for Bill Clinton’s affairs and threatening to blab about it for the remainder of the campaign, Don asserts that he has “a very good” marital history. His marital excellence bona fides are being ballyhooed by two of his most high-profile please-give-me-a-cabinet-post-Mr.-Chrump surrogates: Newton Leroy “Resigned in Disgrace After Being Jettisoned by His Own Party” Gingrich and Rudolph William Louis “Thrown Out of The Mayor’s Mansion By His Wife (and children) For Cheating on Her and Dumping her On Television” Giuliani. Both of these upstanding idiots, also married three times like Don are out there selling marital wholesomeness. Gingrich of course cheated on his wife and informed her he was divorcing her while she was in the hospital recovering from cancer surgery – a great role model.

A bloated fast-food-guzzling Twitter-obsessed (self-medicated?) insomniac rages about his 1996 Miss Universe gaining weight, calling her Miss Piggy and “an eating machine.” We know he is sleep-deprived because of the time stamps on his all night tweets, we know his brain is oxygen-deprived because we can hear him talk. Here’s another brain-free gem from the Orange Gas Cloud: “The Clintons are the sordid past. We'll be the very bright and clean future.” Oh yeah, bright and clean as a freshly polished turd. Or did he really say blight and spleen? Dark and early the next morning – at 3:20 AM – before tweeting a series of disgusting, pathetic lies Don opened his barrage of bullchrump with:

Doesn’t he ever get tired of talking about himself?

Chrump’s most despised – and devastatingly demoralizing – Twitter nemesis Elizabeth Warren got a good night’s sleep, ate a healthy breakfast, worked a full day and at a more reasonable hour countered with righteous relevance and strategic snark:

Paper or Spastic?

Major newspapers all across the country, many of them century-long Republican-leaning – from Dallas and Houston, to Cincinnati and Akron, San Diego and Los Angeles, Baltimore and New York to Maine and Arizona and Virginia – are urging their readers to vote for Hillary Clinton and not Chrump. USA Today has never before weighed in on a presidential election. They recently broke their silence fearing a Chrump presidency imploring their readers to “resist the siren song of a dangerous demagogue.” Don has the endorsement of exactly zero papers. Face it, Chrump is just in this for the real estate. As he said during the first debate, “we’re just opening up, on Pennsylvania Avenue, right next to the White House, so if I don’t get there one way I’ll get to Pennsylvania Avenue another.” *Wells The Fargo?

Please just move in next door and skip all this pretend campaigning crap. You don’t even want to be president. Everyone knows that. You made your point – whatever that might have been. Put up your very own MISSION ACCOMPLISHED banner and move on. You can even have another television show for all I care – at least I can turn it off like I always used to do. I’ll chip in for your fucking rent. And you’ll have much more free time to tweet. Until your tiny little fingers fall off. I promise I’ll read every single one, and my promise is as good as any of yours. Live it up. Moon the White House every day at noon. Date you daughter. It’s all good.

Chrump’s new hair-do.

Respect elders

I. Mangrey reporting. Our motto: To protest and serve.
                                                                                                    Mad in USA

Clinton Trumps Chrump

Must This Show Go On?

Hempstead, NY
September 27, 2016

I hate to admit it but Don Chrump really held his own in his first presidential debate. According to RNC chair and actual talking chair Reince Preibus, Don prepared for this big moment by firing people on The Apprentice and his experiences abusing all those poor pathetic little men during the Republican’t primaries. Chrump was fully dressed, stood upright the entire time and once even briefly acted respectful to Hillary. Chrump certainly did not live down to the expectations of this reporter. Not once did he call Hillary Clinton the b-word, or the c-word, or the other c-word. His “hair” remained exceedingly well behaved the entire time. However, the form supporting the malignant mane struggled considerably throughout the event.

Chrump pretended to sip his water about 400 times, squirmed constantly like a five year old needing to pee, and his constant sniffing like a truffle hog with hay fever or perhaps as Howard Dean wondered:

Could this also explain all the ridiculous 3:00am tweeting?

Immediately after the debacle debate Don ran straight into the loving arms of Sean Hannity to try to make up for the fact that he could not speak in coherent sentences about actual issues in front of 84,000,000 people. Strongly advised by his beloved daughter to refrain from hurling childish insults at his opponent all that was left for Chrump was to lie, pout, make faces, lie some more and interrupt not only his opponent but the moderator as well. By one count Chrump out-interrupted Clinton 51-17. He has the best interruptions. And not even the finest Persian rug can lie like this guy.

After he slept off whatever it was that was going on during the debate, Chrump managed to pick up the phone to use his last lifeline in what to him is just another unbelievably beautiful episode of his reality show. First thing this morning he called in to Fux and Friends to register more complaints. “That was just unbelievable last night. Hillary just kept talking whenever I tried to interrupt. Who does that? Not very presidential if you ask me.”* responding to a question about whether all the sniffling was due to a cold or allergies, after several minutes grumbling about the bad microphone he was given and how low the volume was, Chrump told the Fux Freaks, "No, no sniffles. No, you know, the mic was very bad, but maybe it was good enough to hear breathing, but there was no sniffles."** Chrump also whined about moderator Lester Holt, "He gave me very unfair questions at the end, the last three, four questions, but I'm not complaining about that. I thought he was okay."** Yes this is what passes for not complaining in the Land of Chrump, the same alien universe where the main moron constantly says the things he would never say as in, “I would never say that Hillary Clinton is a worthless loser like most women I know. That’s just not something I would ever say. Ever, ever, ever.”*

Chrump’s most ardent and most unhinged supporter, Rudy Giuliani has such great confidence in his boy Don’s ability to fend for himself that, "If I were Donald Trump I wouldn’t participate in another debate unless I was promised that the journalist would act like a journalist and not an incorrect, ignorant fact checker.” The only incorrect, ignorant fact checker I saw last night was Lyin’ Don Chrump. Tough to be more presidential than that…unless maybe you were a ferret – and not just wearing one.

Hillary Clinton for her part had to repeatedly stop herself from laughing so hard she might have to do that thing she did during a commercial break during one of the primary debates, which Chrump found so “disgusting”. If you guessed ‘going to the bathroom’ you are last night’s big winner. Clearly this is something a person of Chrump’s stature has other people do for him. I suppose this explains why he is so full of shit.

*actual made-up quote
** actual quote

I. Mangrey reporting. If you can read this you’re too darn close.
                                                                                                                        Mad in USA

Helter Chrumpster

Indefensible 

September 24, 2016 

Each and every day Don finds a new way to assure the American citizenry that he knows nothing whatsoever about democracy, the Constitution or the essence of the Great American Experiment. He thinks the troops will follow his every order to commit war crimes. He believes in strong non-elected leaders are better than those who are democratically elected…or possibly even George W. Bush. He insists that the incredibly unconstitutional and proven-to-be-ineffective “stop-and-frisk” program put in place by Rudy Giulliani in New York is what black communities really need. Chrump has said that women should be punished for having perfectly legal medical procedures (the same procedures he was okay with until he needed to convince gullible anti-choice voters that he was one of them) because he thinks they should not be allowed to choose what to do with their own bodies. Well he probably is not anti-choice, but he is happy to say he is…or whatever he feels the angry mob du jour standing in front of him calls for. 

Don’s latest self-exposé of cluelessness (as of this moment, and subject to being replaced by something worse if he opens his face sphincter again) has him lamenting the fact that the New York/New Jersey bomber, who is an American citizen, is being provided with medical care, food and a lawyer. This situation, which Don considers so utterly distasteful, is completely consistent with the Constitution, and despite the potential for things not to work out the way Chrump would like, it is the American way. Our founding fathers presumably included this provision purposely. What a bunch of losers. They didn’t even want to torture British captives despite the fact that some British captors tortured captive colonists. Winners do not take this kind of crap without dishing it right back. Winners don’t help bad people get justice. They assess the situation, rashly decide you are guilty and hand out their own justice without a second (or often a first) thought. Winners are people like George Zimmerman; he did not waste time waiting for professional lawmen or questions or answers. He won. You didn’t see his obituary in the paper. Winning. This is America – when a black man makes you feel nervous you shoot first, answer questions later…or not. And when a white man – in clear violation of the law – waves a gun around in the middle of a crowd of peaceful black protesters angry that another of them was shot dead by police for being black-with-hands-in-the-air, he is politely asked to move along, completely undead. 

I hope no one tells Chrump that in 1770 John Adams – a lawyer – defended British soldiers involved in the Boston Massacre in court because he believed everyone was entitled to a fair trial and competent representation. The Constitution is obviously rigged. And don’t get me started on John Adams. Who the hell did he think he was? What did he ever do for America besides defending those murderous Redcoats? I bet Chrump can’t think of a single thing. Period.  

Chrumpy Manson

Blinded by The White: Can you find Chrump’s African American in the audience? 

I knew there was something eerily familiar about the way Chrump is pretending to court the African-American community to vote for him. Speaking to his usual 99% white audience he croaked, “We’re going to rebuild our inner cities because our African-American communities are absolutely in the worst shape that they’ve ever been in before. Ever, ever, ever.” I guess the guy who missed the whole Revolution/Constitution thing could just as easily be totally unaware of slavery, being counted as 3/5 of a person, Jim Crow, the Civil Rights Movement and countless other historical eras. None of these events affected his ability to lie, cheat, steal and discriminate. The only racially charged episode that did affect Chrump’s public standing was the Birther Era during which The Orange One was obsessed with pretending to be obsessed with Barack Obama’s birth certificate (and college transcripts and passport application). This deplorable episode made Chrump very popular with a certain demographic in America. The Basket Cases. However, it now appears that Don is disavowing any knowledge of the birtherism he so proudly championed a few years (days?) ago ever having occurred as well. In a (very clear, impressive Ron-Hubbard- type voice) deep calmly assured voice he told the world, “President Barack Obama was born in the United States. Period.”* 

Regardless, Chrump’s current babbling about black people in America is anything but original. Just as Chrump has been riding Nixon’s goat-tails with his uninformed more-stop-and-frisk-and-more-police-in-black-communities-law-and-order-bullshit, he is now channeling another American icon – Charles Manson. Among his other delusions Manson was convinced that a huge race war was in the works and that he would be the one to help usher it in. Why you ask? Because by Manson’s logic the blacks would eventually kill all the whites and end up in charge. And this is where the Chrump/Manson genius comes in: both cult leaders believe that black people are incapable of fending for themselves and need a Great White Hope to lead them. This is what Manson thought he would be and this is what Chrump is selling right this very moment. Like a big old Manson…I mean Chrump Steak. 

Chrump eats it. So should you. 

I. Mangrey reporting.
*By the time this piece was fininshed Chrump un-disavowed his Birtherism claiming he only said Obama was born in America so he could “get on with the campaign.”                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Mad in USA

Debase Prep

When Chrumps Fly

Hempstead, NY
September 19, 2016

Most presidential candidates, with the self-proclaimed exception of pathological liar Don Chrump, prepare vigorously before the typically few debates leading up to a presidential election. Camp Chrump insists that their candidate, whose sole qualification for being president is (allegedly) having a pulse, though he has also told us he has “a very good brain” and “the best words” (neither claim has ever been demonstrated let alone proven) doesn’t need to prepare. By the way, did he mention that he’s really rich?* Hillary Clinton, whose only qualifications include being first lady, New York senator and Secretary of State, readily admits to having a team of advisors and performing mock debates as she prepares to get into the verbal ring with the most unpredictable, unstable and unqualified candidate for president since the Youth International Party - the Yippies - ran Pigasus the Pig for president in 1968. Just to be clear, Pigasus was more political theater than serious candidate. What the hell is Don Chrump?

Rumor has it that Hillary is doing debate prep with a Chrump surrogate who is not just the typical stand-in, but a Chrump impersonator dressed as a clown. According to Clinton, “I wanted to get someone in there who most closely replicates what I’m up against. Sure I have advisors and coaches, but I want to practice standing up there in debate mode hearing and seeing the kinds of things I expect from a verbal sparring partner who really encompasses the essence of my actual opponent. I needed to find someone with the same degree of gravitas as the real Chrump. I have been doing everthing that I can to wear myself down, incapacitate my mental capabilities and memory in order to not take undue advantake of Don or frighten the majority of Americans who are scared of big words, carefully explained policy and women. Is it possible that his “hair” has sucked out most of his brain as well as those who find him appealing? Whatever the reason, deplorable is as deplorable does. Mr. Chrump called my factually quite accurate description of a large segment of his supporters “the worst mistake of the political season”, which seems a bit strange coming from the man who inarguably is himself the worst mistake of this or any other political season, not to mention the fact that he is a basket of deplorable all by himself.”

Chrumpo the Deplorable Clown

 

Chrump is continually whining that the debates are rigged. And I believe him. why shouldn’t I? Presidential debates favor individuals who can think, speak in coherent sentences about a particular subject, have some greater-than-a-five-year-old’s grasp of anything vaguely resembling reality and have something substantial to offer the electorate besides bullying, bluster and bullshit. Don’s latest gripe is that the moderator of the first debate, Lester Holt is a Democrat. Obviously there’s no way anyone can be objective when dealing with Chrump, not the media, not his opponents, not the Republican’t party he represents, not Mexican-American judges, not debate moderators who are registered Democrats, not anyone he has not paid off. Hell, his own daughter won’t even date him. You will not be surprised in the least to learn that Holt has been a registered Republican’t since 2003. I eagerly await Mr. Chrump standing up for his opponent to be treated fairly during this clearly rigged debate.

*Yes he did…repeatedly.

Where Assholes (Never) Fear to Tread

Chrump bravely appeared on Bill O’Reilly’s show the other night prepared for whatever hard-hitting questions another of America’s quintessential lying liars might throw at him, or perhaps use to cuddle closer.

The Mouth that Whored and Pouty McFuckface

 

During the interview O’Reilly brought up Hillary’s ISIS strategy and her assertion (shared by many in the intelligence and military communities) that Chrump is already global disaster and a great recruiting tool for the terrorist group. In response Chrump, rather than lie about the question just posed, instead lied about an unrelated topic – his temperament. It’s not like he had a choice. His brain was busy wondering how his “hair” looked while his face-sphincter was busy pinching off a few more words.

CHRUMP: They’re talking about – my strongest thing is my temperament. And they talk about my temperament. They put ten things on a board and they said, “Oh, let’s go after him for temperament.” It’s my strongest thing according to the people who know me best. I won’t even say it myself. I think, maybe, even if I was going to say it, my temperament is the best. I know how to win. 

O'REILLY: But I want a little more definition. When you say my strongest suit is my temperament, what does that mean to you?

CHRUMP: Well, I know how to win. I know how to win. I’ve been winning. I do win, even in sports. I win. We don’t win. Our country doesn’t win.

Please tell me I am hallucinating all of this. Please. That you can tell me. For now all can do is call it what it is: Bull-chrump.

One last thing:

Regarding Hillary Clinton’s health, if Hillary was on the verge of a coma and had half of her brain eaten away by space bugs she would still be an infinitely more viable, coherent and capable candidate for president than the hysterical, fiber-covered pile of artificially flavored orange Jell-O that passes for a worthy opponent. And please, let us not forget that though unelected for four years and purported to be in peak physical (and what for him passed for intellectual) condition, George W. Bush once occupied the White House and was almost killed by a pretzel before defeating the wheat-based foe and going on to destroy the American economy and whatever façade of sanity held sway over the Middle East.

I. Mangrey reporting.
                                                                                                    Mad in USA

The Home Kvetch

When is the Mean Man Going To Stop Yelling At Me?

September 10, 2016

Professional pundits would have us believe that the day after Labor Day is the real, practical start of the presidential campaign. This is the day that political pundits refer to as The Home Stretch of the just-shy-of-infinitely-long presidential campaign season(s). The final days of the 2016 election, when those who have not been paying attention to the race thus far are now ready to tune in. Now they tell me. This time around they are perhaps the final days of democracy, or as Chrump’s advisor on religious issues and foreign policy Michele Bachmann puts it, “I don't want to be melodramatic but I do want to be truthful. I believe without a shadow of a doubt this is the last election. This is it. This is the last election.” Now she tells me.

Kim Jung Orange

I have a very good brain.
Believe me. 100%. Build the wall.

As the campaign whines down Chrump is struggling with all minority voters. With one exception. He is winning with the Russians – I don’t know about Russian Americans – but actual Russians love him. During the recent ‘Commander in Chief’ forum Chrump again professed his admiration for Vladimir Putin, explaining that Putin “has an 82% approval rating according to the different pollsters…I think that when he calls me brilliant [he actually did not] I’ll take the compliment. Okay? If he says great things about me I’m gonna say great things about him.” I guess if that’s what Chrump calls presidential then that’s what I call presidential.

Chrump’s anti-gay, ant-choice, anti-climate change, anti-evolution, Koch-sucking running mate has drunk the Chrump Tea and publicly said “I think that it has been inarguable that Vladimir Putin a stronger leader in his country than Barack Obama has been in this country.” Here is one Russian’s response:

I believe Kasparov calls this checkmate.

So now the Republican’t party has become the Putin lovin’ party. Even George Orwell would find this hard to believe.

Chrump is also fond of leaders in North Korea (he’s impressed by the young Un’s powerful leadership at such a tender age) and China (he loves the strength they showed in putting down the 1989 democratic protests at Tiananmen Square). North Korea and China are also big Chrump fans as is the Ku Klux Klan and most other hate groups the world over. ISIS sees Chrump as the perfect recruiting tool whereas we see him as simply a perfect tool.

Don’t It Make My Red States Blue

As push sidles ever closer to shove and up continues to resemble down, red states can be observed holding their breath in a desperate attempt to elude the vile stench that is Chrump, and they appear to be turning blue. Georgia, Arizona, Missouri and Texas are just a few starting to look blue-ish. The Dallas Morning Star, after what the editorial page editor called “a very deliberate and carefully constructed decision,” featured an article entitled, “We recommend Hillary Clinton for president.” The Star last endorsed a Democrat before World War II. I found myself uncontrollably amused by this section: 

The [Republican] party's over-reliance on government and regulation to remedy the country's ills is at odds with our belief in private-sector ingenuity and innovation. Our values are more about individual liberty, free markets and a strong national defense. 

While I couldn’t be happier to think that Texas will dump Chrump, I must parse this ever so briefly: 

Private-sector ingenuity and innovation – I assume this refers to innovations like for-profit schools, hospitals and prisons, union-busting, outsourcing and economy-wrecking sub-prime mortgages and credit default swaps – very ingenious 

Individual liberty – as long as you're not a woman, LGBTQ...or a black person trying to vote

Free markets – meaning corporations (many of which are propped up by tax dollars, i.e., welfare) are free to do whatever they want including flouting regulations, election tampering, tax evasion, murder and environmental destruction...wheeeeee it's free 

Strong national defense – yeah, like September 11, 2001 and the subsequent illegal invasion of Iraq for no reason, and everything that's going so well in the Middle East since we nationally defended our selves...I mean our oil companies…and Dick Cheney’s retirement fund via Halliburton 

Go Longhorns! 

That Time Chrump Made Sense

After Chrump was for the Iraq war and not long after he decided he was against it, he told the New York Times of Hillary Clinton’s vote, “Don’t forget that decision was based on lies given to her. She’s very smart and has a major chance to be our next president.”

THIS JUST IN…

It was disclosed that the self-professed (yet not borne out by any facts whatsoever) Don Chrump skimmed money from his “charitable foundation” to buy among other things a six-foot tall painting of himself.

Notice that Chrump had the artist grossly exaggerate the size of his hands.

Chrump spent $20,000 of money donated by other people and earmarked for charitable purposes to buy this stunning tribute to the one he loves and admires more than even Vladimir Putin himself.

I. Mangrey reporting. Please don't take this personally. 
                                                                                                                         Mad in USA