This Is How It "Ends"

Chrump’s Acceptance (of His Reality) Speech

In the Paying Attention Chrump-proof bunker
November 5, 2016, 9:18 PM

“Get even with people. If they screw you, screw them back ten times as hard. I really believe that.”
                                         Donald J. Trump, October 2011

Thanks to our contacts at Wackileaks Paying attention has come into possession of Donald Chrump’s concession speech in the event that there is actually a God, who rather than capriciously torturing humankind for a change, decides to provide Hillary Clinton a decisive victory in the Battle for Human Survival 2016. This came into our possession in mid-October, but we didn’t want to go public with it for fear influencing the election; like FBI Director James Comey we didn’t want to be misinterpreted on such a sensitive topic.

On November 8, 2016 at approximately 9:15 PM Eastern Time, we expect that every news network in the world (with the exception of Russia, the Philippines and Fux News) will be jumping at the chance to be the first to call the election for Hillary Rodham Clinton. Perhaps most anxious for a Clinton victory is Wall Street. And not just because the Clintons have never met a huge corporation they didn’t like. The stock market bumps up whenever it seems more likely that Chrump will lose the election. But I digress. Plus, screw Wall Street. Anyway, we expect Donald Chrump to address the nation after being beaten like an orange silly-string-headed step monkey. A frazzled and jittery nation awaits what it hopes and expects to be the final throes of the Candidacy. From. Hell. With any luck all the nervous tics, hair loss, nail biting, weight gain, depression, substance abuse, weeping, yelling, random acts of hatred, frayed relationships, frazzled nerves, painfully trenchant and excruciatingly hilarious blog posts and pervasive world-wide despair will finally abate, allowing many Americans, and in fact many millions of people across the entire planet to heave a collective sigh of relief.

It is hoped that the global threat known as Donald J. Chrump has finally run out of steam. Like the mighty Norwegian Blue, the Chrump campaign has shuffled off its mortal coil, joined the choir invisible; it has ceased to be. Even its plumage is losing its luster (not that it was ever something one would call beautiful). I know a dead campaign when I see one and I’ve been looking at one for several weeks now. Chrump’s campaign has gone to meet its maker, it has passed on; it rests in peace. Bereft of life, this campaign is no more. Don has left the building. He is more than tired and shagged out after a long squawk, beyond pining for the casinos, The Apprentice or the good-old-pussy-grabbing days. Chrump is a late candidate. If the Human Cheese Puff wasn’t getting so much damned attention he’d be pushing up daisies.

This is an ex-candidate.

We imagine he is popping tic tacs – just in case – and making his way onto the stage, the familiar swagger/stagger in his step, the signature pout, every “hair” sprayed within an inch of its life, perfectly into place. We will now step aside as much of America nervously prepares for the long, long, long awaited concession speech from the most reviled presidential candidate in American history, desperately hoping that Don Chrump finally kicks the political bucket. Enjoy…

Many people are saying that Crooked Hillary won. What do they know?

I don’t have to keep you in suspense any longer, okay? As I said, “I will totally accept the results of this great and historic presidential election…if I win.” I deserve a lot of credit for this. A. Lot. Of. Credit. I have given this a lot of thought and I Donald Chrump have decided that I won. I want to thank all the little people who voted for me Donald Chrump in this very, very rigged election. “For the most part, you can’t respect people because most people aren’t worthy of respect.”(actual 2014 quote) As you know, I ran the best campaign. Many people are saying that even though many people are saying that hardly anyone actually voted for me – I told you this thing was rigged from the beginning – I still won because I had the biggest crowds coming to see me. The biggest crowds. Those were mine. I had the most likes on Facebook too. And the best tweets. I ran the best campaign, not Crooked Hillary Clinton. I think I showed amazing restraint by not grabbing her by the pussy. Hey, it’s what boys like me do when the urge strikes. I could have done it if I wanted to. But I didn’t. Not even once. Very presidential.

If the man who says he’s president does it, then it is not illegal.

I warned everyone – and I deserve a lot of credit for this – that millions of dead people were going to vote. I have it on good authority that none of those losers voted for me. Millions of rigged dead people voting for Crooked Hillary Clinton. As you know, as everyone knows, there were many certain kinds of people in certain areas in states like Pennsylvania who voted many, many times. Some of them voted ten times. They are a bunch of uppity riggers. And you know what I’m talking about. Everyone knows this. Sad. And Hillary Clinton is a rigger lover. I had many very good people in certain places watching voters very carefully and the things they are telling me are very interesting. Very interesting. Very. Don’t expect the crooked media, which is run by certain other kinds of people – you know what I mean, people like my son-in-law Jared – to tell you the truth. They are run by the international banking conspiracy and everybody knows who they are. Most of these banks won’t even lend me money. That’s why I’m so heavily involved with Russian and Chinese banks. They are happy to lend me money. Owing them money makes me smart. And that is why I have been spreading Russian propaganda that makes Crooked Hillary look bad. Putin knows how to run and win elections. I like strong leaders.

I am not a kook.

Vladimir Putin will still be treating me like president; that I can tell you. And I promise you, I promise you and I guarantee you that Hillary Clinton will soon be in jail. Crooked Hillary Clinton. Believe me. She is such a nasty woman. Some people say she got a lot of votes. I don’t see any proof of that other than the crooked news media says so. Do you trust them? Me neither. No way. You can tell them to go fuck themselves. They’re on drugs, they’re rapists; some of them I assume are good people…maybe. Maybe not. I haven’t heard the Supreme Court say anybody won. I’m pretty sure they are the ones who decide elections. I am willing to wait for Hillary’s concession speech. She probably doesn’t have the stamina to be up this late. I’m wide awake and ready to lead. I don’t really care if she’s not able to concede. Winning is enough for me, especially with all this voter fraud that I’ve been hallucinating.

White on sisters!

I want all of you certain kind of people who have supported me all these months despite all the hateful, hurtful, misogynistic, racist, fascist things I’ve said, despite all the disgusting things I’ve done to women, despite all my talk about dating my daughter – who is just incredibly hot, am I right – all the psychotic ramblings about insane conspiracy theories, and the non-stop, excellent lying, not to mention my ridiculous skin coloring and absurd comb-around-and-around-and-around. I won among the people our founding fathers said could vote – white men and only white men. White. Men. That means I won. Wait, where was I? Oh yeah, I want all of you supporting me, even now that I have won the election, to go out there and surround the White House and get Crooked Hillary Clinton out of there so I can take my rightful place where I belong so I can make America great again. Because that is what I do. I make America great again. I’ve done it many times. That I can tell you. Believe me. We cannot allow Crooked Hillary Clinton to live in my White House. Don’t you agree? Then we can start all the winning. I guarantee that you will be sick of all the winning I start doing very quickly. Very. Quickly. You will all be so sick of what I am about to do, you won’t know what hit you.

You gets what you pays for.

You people need to go in there and grab her by the…whatever and pull her out of there so I can put her in jail where she belongs. Lock her up! Lock her up! I promise I will cover your legal fees if anything happens to you. Believe me. I never lie. I have never lied. I have never done one bad thing in my whole life. Did I mention I’m very rich? And smart enough not to pay my stupid taxes or show you my tax returns, which are none of your business. I will be the best president this country has ever had and I want to thank you people for making this possible. Believe me, America will be so great again very soon once I get in that White House. If I was younger I would just jump over the fence and kick her out myself – I’d like to punch her in the face – but I have this very uncomfortable boo-boo on my foot. It kept me from going to Vietnam – which I wanted to do very much – five times. Very much. But thanks to what a great guy I am I still have a Purple Heart. And I deserve it – I did a lot of dangerous dating in the 1960s and 1970s. After that I just started kissing and grabbing women whenever and wherever I wanted so that doesn’t really count as dating. And I never date my daughter, not once; I only said I wanted to. The PC police say that is a bad thing.

I told you this thing was rigged. All those dishonest voters who say they voted for Crooked Hillary Clinton. There’s no way I got only 35% of the vote. I know for a fact that I got over 60%. I have proof. I have a team of excellent people searching for the proof and they are finding incredible things. That I can tell you. And those crooked polls and news reporters go right along with the crooked vote count and report it as fact. We know better! Am I right? Am I right?

This was bound to happen

Okay, so I’ve just been told that Crooked Hillary won’t actually be in my White House until January 24^th or something. So I want all of you to quit your jobs and prepare to meet me at the White House on January 24^th or whenever it is and we will stop Crooked Hillary from getting in there before it’s too late. I will make sure to pay everyone for missing any work if any of you can prove you actually have jobs. And everyone can stay in my excellent new hotel right here in Washington. It’s a beautiful hotel. It doesn’t say CHRUMP on it, but it’s mine. All of it. Everything is made right here…well, in China but it’s here now and that’s all that counts. I got a great deal. I know how to deal with the Chinese. Better than anyone. Anyway, just get to DC in January. Don’t worry I’ll figure it out. I always figure things out.

Who knows? Maybe now is the time when the Second Amendment people will come up with a plan. Just like Jefferson said, once in a while the people have to ignore the election and take over the government. He said it on the internet. I saw it on Breitbart and I’m pretty sure Sean Hannity said it too. And Jefferson would tell you today if he were alive – he’s not alive anymore, just so you know – that we have to respect the Second Amendment and our precious open carry laws. I have a plan. Does it involve the Second Amendment? I will tell you when the time is right. You’re gonna love it. I’m not telling anyone to shoot people, but sometimes these things happen. The Clintons have murdered hundreds of people. And when I get in there we are going to build an incredible wall and we will get Crooked Hillary Clinton to pay for it and no one will ever be able to get me out of there until I’m damn well good and ready to come out.

This I promise you. When I am inoculated on Inoculation Day, January 31^st, the winning will start and America will immediately be great again. My work here will be done. I have already begun removing my name from many buildings all over the world because that’s what presidents do and definitely not because my name is now poison in the marketplace because people now know just what a total douchebag I am. I am also looking forward to fixing the First Amendment so that I can sue the rigged media when they say mean things about me. I don’t care if what they say is true, and I am willing to use the Second Amendment to fix that idiotic first one if I have to. You Second Amendment people know what I’m talking about. Am I right? Once I fix the First Amendment the way I like it, I will release my tax returns and all of Hillary Clinton’s deleted emails – I have all of them and you won’t believe what’s in them. I know how to find them. I also have Obama’s real birth certificate, which my excellent people found. I’m not telling you where they found it, but believe me, you will be amazed…and winning with a capital “D”.

Nobody thinks more highly of Donald Chrump than me. Nobody has more respect for Donald Chrump than me. So let’s take our country back for me Donald Chrump. I say we grab America by the pussy and make America great again.

I have spoken.

Thank you and lock her up and remember to vote on November 28^th.

I. Mangrey reporting. I'm not doing this for my health.
                                                                                                    Mad in USA

Ugh

The Other Climate Change

November 3, 2016

There had been much* talk about climate change – despite unrelenting denial of its existence by many Americans – until the dawn of the 2016 presidential race plunged us into the Chrump Age of the Cenozoic Era. None alive at this time can remember exactly when the Chrump Age officially began, but now – like it or not – absolutely everyone knows they are in it up to their eyeballs and its end is nowhere in sight. We now find ourselves witnessing or denying, depending on whether one’s head is or is not resting comfortably within the confines of one’s anal cavity, a toxic change in another climate. The emotional equivalent of stepping in dog shit in your bare feet, living during the Chrump Age has generated a Tsunami of Tstupid^® the likes of which has never been seen either in recorded history or the fossil record.

Chrump humps flag: “Where the hell is the pussy on this thing?”

The change in the social/political climate in America (and much of the “civilized” world for that matter) epitomized by Don Chrump is a watershed moment in human social evolution. Prior to the Chrump Age history reveals a steady, albeit painstakingly slow, decrease in ignorance and hatred – at least in the absence of government propaganda, which consistently fosters fear, hatred and war. Over the millennia your average Joe Caveman gradually began to realize that we all have more in common with one another than not. Some even came to understand that we are part of a vast network known as Planet Earth. But this kind of behavior, this inclusivism is day by Chrumpy day giving way to something very different. Take me for example, I used to be a calm, pleasant, friendly person. Now I’m constantly frothing at the mouth, frothing at the whatever. I feel like I’m this close to spontaneously combusting.

Chrump-Magnon Man

Thanks to Chrump the worst of human behavior need no longer hide itself in shame. Racism, nationalism, white supremacy, homophobia, anti-Semitism, misogyny you name it, need no longer lurk in the shadows. A presidential candidate, who thinks he is the star of a (s)hit reality show is aiding and abetting the popularization of the return to caveman thinking. Hate levels are already amping up, and just like the CO₂ level is reaching a tipping point in the other climate problem, a point of no return is possible. Chrump – the idiot bastard candidate – who has to remind himself out loud, at his own rallies to “stay on point Donald, stay on point…No sidetracks Donald, nice and easy”, is just trying to make it simple for his followers: If they disagree with us, they are simply wrong and should be beaten down. And his minions love it. They are simple folk after all. It remains to be seen whether it is better to keep these folks hidden or exposed. It’s not like they came out of nowhere; they are part of the very fabric of this nation. It’s just that they were seeming more like a loose thread that could be trimmed neatly off. Instead they are seeming more and more like the annoying little thread you pull on and accidentally unravel the entire garment. Next thing you know we are all just walking around grunting and scratching our heads…and our whatevers. You know, like Chrump.

Chrump finally nails down the endorsement of a newspaper

No matter what the result is on Election Day we are likely to suffer the consequences of the Orange Onslaught for a long time to come. The Tsunami of Tstupid^® is already overflowing the levees of logic as more people get the impression that these hateful behaviors are perfectly acceptable, and say to themselves, “Hey, what the heck, everyone else is doing it, I guess it’s okay.” Yes I know this is the same argument many of these same people put forth regarding sexual preferences they disagree with; they cower and fret that if people are exposed to the various sexual orientations everyone will start believing these not-strictly-one-man-one-woman “deviants” are acceptable members of society. Many people are saying that this is a false equivalency since one side embodies people who just want to be allowed to live their lives as they understand them, while the other embodies people who will not accept anyone who is different and would gladly shoot you in the face or the back if it didn’t carry the risk of going to jail. I’m sure nobody within the sight of my voice is unsure of the difference and it is entirely possible that I only brought in the sex analogy so I could say, in full context and in no way gratuitously, we are supremely fucked. Whatever happened to foreplay?

*When I say “much” I mean incredibly little, but more than none, and if not for the likes of Bernie Sanders it would never have come up at all.

I. Mangrey, frothing at the fingertips.
                                                                                                    Mad in USA

And now a word from our sponsor...

Important information about a powerful drug for a serious condition
afflicting hundreds of millions of people the world over.

 Are you having trouble sustaining an election?

Just in time for November 8, 2016

NEW Chrump-Strength formula

You may already be one of the many who need the most remarkable wonder-drug of all time – VOTEGRA. Not just for men. Not just for white folks. Millions of people all over America are suffering horribly, unable to vote, and don't even know it. Millions more simply pretend that everything is just fine. Others are, as we speak, having their right to vote jeopardized by Republican't corporate backers via Citizens United and by government operatives desperate to keep non-Republican't voters from exercising the most basic American right. One human, one vote. 

You may actually believe you're healthy and happy and ready to vote in every way. Or you may simply be in denial. Don't let another election go by leaving you feeling angry, depressed, hopeless, powerless, useless, out of step, un-American or just plain stoopid. The FDA has waived all safety regulations and precautions - and that's almost a stretch for them. This drug is too important to ignore any longer although, given the current anti-vote environment, VOTEGRA may only be available in Canada and Mexico between now and November 8, 2016. If you buy yours in Mexico maybe you can get them to pay for it. 

Are you suffering from Electile Dysfunction? 

Can't get into the booth like you used to? Are you voting blanks? Do you wish you could do it more often and make it mean something? Is your chad just hanging there limp and listless? Is your votecount shockingly lower than you ever would have expected? Are you worried the FBI is playing footsie with Republican’ts? Do you get the feeling your vote is about to be suppressed? Do you blame it on your tiny hands? Is your once worthless candidate now just a worthless has-been? Would you like to be able to shout that you’re going to build a great wall? Or Lock Her Up? Or scream Jew-S-A at a bunch of trapped journalists? Well what’s stopping you? Is it political correctness? Or could it be Electile Dysfunction? Don’t wait around to find out – pop a pill today. What the hell do you have to lose? 

VOTEGRA

It won't just help you keep an election for as long as you want. It may even help you prop up a government of your choosing for years on end. You'll be fighting off those corporate whores with a “stick” if you know what I mean. And why shouldn't you be – you put the pedal to the metal and made your vote count like you haven't been able to do for years. With VOTEGRA  your election will be valid every time. No more just worriedly wishing you could have an election – VOTEGRA  can make you feel like you could sign that ballot, push those buttons, pop those chads or get that lever up and down any time you want to. Don't wait any longer - ask your doctor or senator if VOTEGRA  is right for you. If they say no, find another doctor. They’re all over the damn place. And most of them love telling you to take pills.

VOTEGRA now available in blue or red – in case
you want to vote and then forget everything…forever.

Electile Dysfunction is no joke. That I can tell you. Many people are saying that we're voting for president, many people. Believe me. You may have Electile Dysfunction and not even know it. Do something about it before it's too late and you end up with a sociopathic, fascist narcissist who thinks the whole presidential election thing is just reality television, who keeps millions of dollars hidden from the tax collector, has all of his crappy Chrump brand whatever made in China, or wherever, and who thinks YOU are too stupid to know that he is a clueless douchebag conman.  Oops, you waited too long, but at least thanks to term limits Chrump cannot serve more than eight years. Eight years. Eight. Years. Not to worry, nothing lasts forever…it will just seem like it. Please don't let Electile Dysfunction wreck our lives again.  

Make sure you are buying real VOTEGRA  - and not some cheap knock-off/Chrump imitation made in China or Russia. Remember, it's later than you think. Stock up today.

Possible side effects of not using VOTEGRA include runny candidates, listless legislators, long lines, spoiled votes, butterfly ballots, purged voter rolls, another Depression, just plain depression, Citizens United II (corporations are people and people are not), the best words, a very bad brain, damn emails, Mike Pence, armed repression, cranio-rectal syndrome, un-Occupied Wall Street, short-circuited recounts, rigged elections, rigged erections, Ayn Rand, Russian vote hackers, another Antonin Scalia, father/daughter issues, another Clarence Thomas, mandated pussy-grabbing, FBI collusion, another Supreme Court-appointed president, Armageddon, P*&%$#@*t Chrump. 

If your election lasts longer than four years contact your arms dealer immediately. 

VOTEGRA

Fixing Elections since 2005

brought to you by the 99% non-corporation

 

Bits & Pieces

Make Chrump Bankrupt Again

What’s Left of The USA
October 25, 2016

The most horrifying, dangerous, dishonest, disapproved-of presidential candidate in American history continues his quest to run this country. He has no understanding of the Constitution, how our government works (such as it is), what democracy is or how to at least pretend to respect his fellow man. Certainly not his fellow nasty woman. He has absolutely no interest in rectifying any of this. The time has come to help the self-proclaimed “King of Debt” get back to where he belongs –bankruptcy. He loves him some bankruptcy – it allows him all the convenience of stiffing his creditors while simultaniously scaring the banks into not letting him go completely under. Let’s help him make it final this time so we never have to hear his big mouth or let him shove his tiny hands into our pockets…or our whatever, ever again. The entire staff here at Paying Attention has vowed never to stay in a Chrump hotel or buy any of the many low-quality-made-with-slave-labor Chrump brand whatevers. Not that we ever have or would have anyway, but we want to get a lot of credit for doing this. We probably won’t because, as you know, the system is totally rigged.

Gimme!

The Orange Jesus

Many people are saying that there is connection between Chrump and Jesus Christ. I know not what course others may take, but whenever I see or hear Chrump I tend to scream out a certain oft invoked name. In some ways I am not alone. According to Jerry Falwell, Jr, “Donald Trump lives a life of loving and helping others as Jesus taught.” Michele Bachmann said that “at the end of the day God raised up, I believe Donald Trump who was going to be the nominee in this election.” Many of Chrump’s devotees see him as a Christ figure, a god if you will. Displaying the incredible humility that made him what he is, Chrump readily admits that the Bible is a better book than his own The Art of The Deal (which he apparently neither wrote nor read). Truly humble. One thing he has done religiously throughout his life is avoid going to church. Chrump has no time for the poor, the downtrodden, the meek or anything resembling what Jesus taught. He does cherish women…in his own speical way. And you don’t have to take the Chrump/Christ connection from me or Falwell or Bachmann, et al. Here we have it straight from the whore’s mouth: “I never knew that it would be this vile, that it would be this bad, that it would be this vicious. Nertheless I take all these slings and arrows gladly for you and many political experts warned me that this campaign would be a journey to hell. They said that. But they’re wrong, it will be a journey to heaven.” Now if we could only find a way to get him to die for our sins…or maybe for his. Discuss.

Chrump is a well-rounded individual. He embodies many traits that exist in human beings, many of whom inhabit the United States of America Being Made Great Again. So many people are simply one-dimensional. But not Chrump. He is something of a renaissance man. He is part drunk redneck, part tinpot dictator, part Bill Cosby and part deranged mental patient. If you’re lucky you missed him saying, “Hillary Clinton meets in secret with international banks to plot the destruction of US sovereignty. This is a conspiracy against you the American people and we can not let this happen or continue.” That’s right; we cannot let it happen, or if it is already happening and I just don’t know about it because I’m too busy doing my “hair” then we can’t let it continue. It just makes you wonder if he can even hear himself when he speaks. 

Chrumpnado

Chrump Tzu’s The Fart of War

Chinese general, military strategist, and philosopher Sun Tzu wrote The Art of War over 2500 years ago. It remains highly respected by students of military and business strategy the world over. Many successful American business leaders consider it a must read. Chrump is most assuredly not among them. Even without knowing that Don has probably never read a book and assuming that Chrump is in fact a successful businessman, which remains to be verified, one can be certain that he never picked this one up. A quick glace at some of the more well-known quotes from Sun Tzu reveals Chrump as embodying something well beyond the oposite of Sun Tzu’s thoughtful, insightful philosophy on strategy.

Chrump would have us believe he is the windshield, but he is – beyond any doubt now – the bug. He and the windshield are poised to make contact at about 80 miles an hour. I figure this should be around 9:15 PM EST on November 8^th.

Chrump me! Chrump me!

Not to worry though, no matter what happens Chrump will declare victory, “the best victory. No one does victories better than me.” And he will be able to live on Pennsylvania Avenue blocks  away from 1600 in his new empty hotel. (The new Chrump Whatever-it-is in DC just opened and had to offer rooms at yuuuuge discounts due to the equally yuuuuge number of vacancies while every other hotel in the area was booked solid during the big WTO meeting. So even the world’s corporate overlords don’t want to have anything to do with Chrumptopussy.) I look forward to countless reports of Chrump mooning the White House, screaming obscenities out his window, and standing outside his hotel accosting passersby and bragging about what big crowds he is attracting after the election.

 

We now have a much clearer picture of the way Don “Cosby-Lite” Chrump thinks about and apparently acts toward women. He thinks he can just freshen up his fast-food-breath and without so much as by your leave stick his tongue in their mouths, telling Billy Bush, “And when you’re a star they let you do it. You can do anything.” We have known for quite some time how attracted he is to Russia’s Vladimir Putin. I wonder if Chrump thinks he is famous enough to grab Putin by the p****r.

Black Votes Matter

Personally I am looking forward to November 9^th when we can finally get started on the 2020 presidential election.

I. Mangrey reporting.
                                                                                                    Mad in USA

The Not-So-Great Chrumpkin

Well, That Happened

Less Vegas
October 20, 2016

Last night's debate was clearly rigged. The dishonest media allowed Chrump to talk, right out of his face sphincter. Why didn't anyone try to stop him? Nonetheless Chrump won this third debate little hands down. He undoubtedly out-Chrumped himself. He sniffed and he whiffed and he blew himself up. He showed that he still knows less than nothing about just about every important topic. And that is his brand. Chrump is fighting for ignorance, ineptitude and insanity. He is proud of who he is and he made that abundantly clear in the final debate.

Most important, Chrump refused to say he would accept the results of the election, instead offering that he would see what he thinks when the time comes. Many people are talking about this. Actually, everybody is talking about this. I guarantee that all of Chrump’s handlers, trainers and veterinarians worked feverishly to ensure their candidate would not respond to whether or not he would accept the election results with, “What I'm saying is that I will tell you at the time. I'll keep you in suspense. Ok?” I would bet that any other answer would have been more acceptable to those advising Donnybrook. After the debate campaign manager Kellyanne Conway looked like she had just been thrown under a bus or perhaps spent several harrowing minutes alone with her candidate and his tiny, grabby hands and lips. Also, many people are wondering if Don has been able to remove both feet from his mouth this morning. Chrump’s campaign has not responded to requests for confirmation. I am happy not to tell him just yet, but many, many people are saying that he has already lost.

 

So to all those doubters out there, wake up and smell the Chrump. The most inexperienced, incomprehensible, ignorant, insincere creature ever to enter – seriously or otherwise – presidential politics won this final, critical debate as only he could. He has cemented his place in American politics as surely as mobsters of old cemented the shoes of their rivals and to similar effect. In this final faceoff Chrump inarguably managed to keep his first and most cherished, if completely disingenuous campaign promise – he successfully completed the most beautiful wall we have ever seen. The wall between Don Chrump and the American electorate.

I. Mangrey reporting.
                                                                                                    Mad in USA

Three Weeks 'Til The Rigged Election

Pre-Mortem on Tonight's Debate 

Las Vegas, NV
October 19, 2016 

Reliable sources claim that Hillary Clinton’s campaign considered responding in kind to Chrump inviting several of Bill’s accusers to the second debate. An anonymous staffer tells Paying Attention that team Clinton was planning to invite the women who accused Don Chrump of sexual assault and/or harassment, but the Commission on Presidential Debates informed the campaign that the venue simply was not large enough to accommodate that number of people. The Commission was also concerned for the safety of the pussy-grabbing misanthrope. Chrump was hoping to force Bill Clinton to shake hands with his long-forgotten, never proven accusers, but the commission put a stop to his petty, childish plan. One key difference, when Bill Clinton got caught doing something inappropriate at least he had the good sense to lie about it rather than brag about it like Don Whatthefuck’swrongwithyou.

A debate commissioner, who spoke on condition of anonymity said, “We would like nothing better than to see Mr. Trump in a room full of women whom he has treated the way he says he likes to treat women. Maybe they could meet him in the spin room afterwards. I would pay to see that. It would be much more interesting and productive to have them in the debate hall, but those fire marshals Mr. Trump is always bitching about seem very strict about overfilling venues even when doing so favors Trump. Maybe he is wrong about all of them being Democrats, or maybe he is wrong about the fact that someone is a Democrat means they cannot carry out their jobs in a professional manner. Or maybe he is simply wrong about everything. I’ll leave that up to the pundits and the public; it’s above my pay grade.”  

Chrump for his part has invited Obama’s estranged half-brother who supports Chrump. I’m not sure how this is supposed to affect Mrs. Clinton, but figuring out what the hell goes on underneath that clump of orange fluff is above my pay grade.

More news as it reveals itself. Otherwise, we will just make shit up like the Orange Gas Cloud.

I. Mangrey reporting. What happens in Vegas could destroy us all.

Chrumping Ourselves Back To The Stone Age

Grabbing The Headlines

All Over, The F*&#ing Place
October 13, 2016

Talking Out of Both Sides of His Face Sphincter

“And even the polls are crooked. I’m telling you.” Don Chrump, October 10, 2016

“Out of all the online polls, we won 10 out of 10 of them by big margins.” Don Chrump, October 12, 2016

Talking Out of His Lower Sphincter

“We’re doing something that’s incredible, it’s a movement. But if we don’t win all it is is just a little asterik (sic) in history…make sure you get out and vote – November 28^th.”  Don Chrump, October 11, 2016

Ship of Fool

The Titanic of presidential candidates appears to have, let’s say nudged the iceberg. In true Chrump fashion, even though everyone is telling him it is an iceberg he will put it in reverse and then floor it for another collision. He will, as always, prevail. Sure, there is a yuuuuge gash in the hull, the crew is donning life vests and directing traffic toward safety, women and children are piling into lifeboats, the band is still playing because Chrump is threatening to sue them if they stop, but the ship’s captain has gone full-on King Lear. “This ocean is rigged. Nobody is a better captain than Donald J. Chrump. I know the ocean better than whales do. I have a great relationship with the fishes. This is not an iceberg, I’ll just grab it by the pussy and show it who’s boss. Never give up. Never turn back. Full steam ahead. And just for good measure, hoist up the MISSION ACCOMPLISHED banner. I never fail. I never lose. I never fail. I never settle. Not as long as one single person wants to watch me on television. That makes me smart. I will defeat this iceberg just like Napoleon defeated Waterloo. This is not an iceberg. Okay?”

It’s Debatable

The second presidential debate is now history. Chrump did a great job both convincing his minions to still vote for him and horrifying everyone else on the planet. If he can just keep this momentum going for another two weeks America will be great and the Chrump brand will be relegated to the dustbin of history where it belongs. Don did manage to drop a major bombshell to kick off the second debate: Bill Clinton had sex with women other than his wife. Who knew? Everyone who was born yesterday is shocked. The ever petulant Chrump made this very clear in between Category 4 sniffles (I am surprised that his tiny hands were able to keep the microphone from being sucked up through his nose and slamming right into his shriveled brain), peddling old lies and repeatedly debunked conspiracy theories, and in between whiny tantrums about being picked on by the moderators (“It’s one against three.” “Why don’t you interrupt her? You interrupt me all the time.”). Like a four year old who cannot seem to comprehend that his mother is on the phone and continues to flail about and demand her attention despite much finger wagging and being repeatedly shushed, Chrump picked up where he left off in the first debate with his constant interruptions. He has the best temperament.  

Pouty McFuckface stalking his opponent

 

When the Orange Lump was not either wandering aimlessly or literally stalking Clinton as she spoke, he used his face sphincter to call her the Devil, threaten to use a special prosecutor to put her in jail and insisted that she has hate in her heart. Given his history with women, this could have gotten much uglier than it did. Fortunately Hillary is well out of his age range for kissing or grabbing her…well, you know. Chrump cannot control his hands or his mouth, his thoughts or his whatever. Maybe he was off his game because a growing swath of the party for whom he is the standard-bearer doesn’t want to be caught dead endorsing him after his 4,378^th major malfunction. Not that he cares what they think. Maybe he was upset that his running mate is very, very disappointed in his potty mouth and hid from the public for a few days.

Maybe Chrump couldn’t stop thinking about the fact that he bragged about sexually molesting women. Maybe every time he is near Hillary something funny happens in his pants and it goes to his head. Maybe it is (sniff) too hard for him to (sniff) breathe when he is (sniff) engaged in something other than (sniff) “locker room talk”. Maybe his meds went haywire. Maybe whatever has him snorting like a demented warthog when he attempts to talk kicked in harder that he expected. Maybe he is simply incapable…

BREAKING NEWS

Unnamed spokesperson: “You’re better off
jabbing yourself with a dirty syringe.”

The National Institutes of Health and Center for Disease Control and Prevention has put out this emergency warning regarding having unprotected exposure to a dangerous pathogen:

We are putting out this unprecedented warning for American women to absolutely avoid places known to be expecting a visit from Donald Chrump. Mr. Chrump will be crisscrossing the United States for the next four weeks attempting to get your votes…and your whatever. This is particularly important if you are a female between the ages of 18 and 36. Do not take any chances; it is simply not worth the risk – if you can see this man, you’re too darn close. In addition to the risk of being verbally, emotionally and/or physically abused by someone who thinks he can do whatever he wants because he is famous, there is no way to know what kinds of diseases he might be carrying given his long history of despicable treatment of women. The way he acts, late-stage syphilis is a distinct possibility. This, coupled with Mr. Chrump’s proclivity to wantonly kiss and sexually assault any woman he finds attractive and then brag about it, constitute a national health emergency just waiting to happen. Zika mosquitos aint’ got nothing on this blood-sucking varmint. Please take every precaution any time you hear that Chrump is coming to your area. We strongly suggest you shelter in place until November 9^th, especially if you are planning to vote for the racist, woman-hating orange lunatic.

Beware lest he grab you by the pussy!
Why? Because he wants to.

We Now Return You to Your Regularly Scheduled Angst

…difficult to know for certain exactly what is going on in Chrump’s fevered brain.

Who’s With Him?

Chrump remains resolute in the face of the latest exposé of his deplorable behavior, “I don’t care how many loser Republicans withdraw their endorsements. I don’t need them. Paul Ryan is a communist. I don’t care if people decide that I’m a vile, serial assaulter of women. Hey it worked for my buddy Roger Ailes for decades…almost as long as me, and I’m much better looking and I’ve assaulted much better looking women than Roger. I don’t care if everyone who’s not a neo-Nazi, a white supremacist or whatever decide not to vote for me. I know more about ISIS, women, taxes, nuclear and the cyber than anyone ever. I have a very good brain. There’s no way I can lose. It doesn’t matter if don’t get any votes from the blacks or Latinos or women. If they want to be losers that’s their business. I don’t need voters to win this election. That I can tell you. I can win this election all by myself. That I can tell you.”

Let’s face it, both of these candidates have been running for president for decades, each in his or her own way. But now there is less than one month to go. One will win and one will lose, or one will win and everyone will lose. If Chrump gets…gulp…elected, there will be no need for a wall on our southern border. What Mexican, what foreigner in their right mind would consider coming into this country? The bigger question at that point? How many American citizens will be leaving?

If the election goes the other way, thousands of Muslims (and millions of Americans in general) will literally be dancing in the streets (for real this time) on November 9^th when the Thing of Queens tucks his orange tail between his puffy lips and waddles off into the sunset, into which he will quickly disappear since he and it are the same orange hue. Don’t stop at the sunset Don, keep walking toward the Sun, in space no one can hear you whine. 

BREAKINGER NEWS – PG*13 (and counting) 

The *Pussy Grabbing King of Mar-A-Lago is making headlines hourly now. There is just no way a small news outlet like ours can keep up. It appears that women across the nation are anxious to get something off their chests; off their chests, off their lips and off their whatevers, and that something is Don Chrump. We are now able to form a much clearer picture of what Don is like when he is unshackled. He is not taking the news well, shouting at the reporter who called him to get his side of the story and threatening to sue everyone in his path. Maybe he should have tapped into his excellent memory before deciding to use Bill Clinton’s sexual escapades as a campaign strategy. 



We cannot emphasize strongly enough the necessity of heeding the NIH/CDC warning from earlier today. Hide your daughters. Even the briefest contact could be toxic. If you see Chrump avert your eyes, avert your whatever. Just for the record and contrary to what Mr. Chrump has said, this reporter is quite sure that somebody respects women more than Chrump.

I. Mangrey unshackled. He who lives by the pussy dies by the pussy. 

Does He Kiss His Daughter With That Mouth?

A Real Handful

Excess Hollywood
October 8, 2016

I just can’t figure this thing out. To flee or not to flee that is the question. Many people are saying that I have been a bit obsessed with this Chrump thing. I don’t know why people would say something like this, but I read all the internets and I think I saw it somewhere, or someone told me, so I assume it must be true. It is painful to watch and painful to write about and I apologize for dragging you into this with me. That being said, as I had almost finished the report below, the One-Man Insane Clown Posse has outdone himself. As Category 5 storm Matthew prepared to batter the southeast coast of the United States, a Category Chrump Shit Storm blanketed the news. Though less devastating to life and property, this latest disclosure might put a permanent dent in the Candidate From Hell. Let me give you this excerpt straight from the horse’s ass’s mouth:

“I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know I am automatically attracted to beautiful women – I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star you can do anything, they let you do it…grab them by the p****. I can do any of that.”

Yes ladies and gentlemen there you have it, vintage Don Chrump on a hot mic with Access Hollywood circa 2005, talking about a married woman he was…shall we say pursuing…a few months after marrying his third soon-to-be-ex-wife Melania. I assume she has already signed a non-disclosure agreement.

Daughter Ivanka, who daddy Don has verbally groped on television and who he groped on stage at the RNC said this past May, “He's not a groper. He has total respect for women.” I hope she has a really good therapist.

Daddy dearest

Just for good luck, and this must be why the blacks love him so much, Chrump recently said he still believes that the Central Park Five (four black and one Hispanic – all teens), wrongly convicted of raping the Central Park Jogger and later exonerated, are guilty. Chrump at the time of the high profile crime, called for a reinstatement of the death penalty and rained hate down on these young boys. Obviously he was right, the actual perpetrator confessed for fun thirteen years later (in 2002) and the DNA that corroborated his confession were wrong. Nobody knows more about the justice system – law and order if you will – than Don Chrump.

It’s Official Now

Those Russian hackers mentioned below were officially accused by the Obama administration of carrying out an extensive hacking operation in an effort to interfere with the 2016 elections. Many people are saying that Obama is just angry because Putin likes Chrump more than him. According to Chrump, “Obama will never get away with this. He is grandstanding and trying to scare the American people with Russian hackers. I was the one who said the election would be rigged if I don’t win, so he’s just trying to say it will be rigged if I do win. What a loser. Why does Obama pick on the Russians? They never bothered anyone. Is he just jealous that they have a stronger leader? Many people are saying that. Many people. We’ll see. Mark my words, it was not the Russians. It could be China. It could also be lots of other people. It also could be somebody sitting on their bed that weighs 400 pounds, okay? Believe me.”

I. Mangrey reporting. It’s not my fault.                                        

****

Business As Unreal

October 6, 2016

The Republican’t candidate for president is clearly mellowing as he enters the last throes of the 2016 Election Era. Addressing one of the few minorities he has not brutally and repeatedly insulted, the Orange Oaf reached out with the kind of empathy and touching words that shows he really cares. “I don’t care how sick you are. I don’t care if you just came back from the doctor and he gave you the worst possible prognosis, meaning it’s over. You won’t be around in two weeks. Doesn’t matter. Hang out ‘til November 8^th get out and vote.” Yes he actually said that. He really does care…about himself. Only. Always.

Chrump is a faux businessman who started out on third base, always claiming he hit a triple and by most accounts is now somehow back on first base. He continually shrieks about how America needs someone like Donald Chrump who understands business in the White House to Make America Whatever Again. Let us assume for the sake of argument that Con…I mean Don understands business. Ouch, it hurt to even formulate that thought. Maybe I am mistaken, but I seem to recall another candidate – one who despite the will of the people ended up residing at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue – who also claimed great business sense and who also benefitted more from a family fortune than any trace of business acumen or mental ability. He was touted as the CEO president, which we were told would be so much better than all those incompetent lawyer presidents like Adams, Jefferson, Monroe, Lincoln and Clinton – to name only a few. Both Chrump and The Other Guy eschewed education. Both have obvious attention issues. Chrump miraculously lost close to a billion dollars running casinos (and thinks that qualifies him as a genius). The Other Guy couldn’t find oil in Texas. Oh, and his administration helped cause the worst recession since the Great Depression. Yes, more of that please.

At least The Other Guy had family and friends who knew their way around politics. Sure every last one of them was an insane, war-mongering sociopath, but hey, no one is perfect. Chrump has surrounded himself with the likes of Chris Christie who is on the verge of being impeached and/or being indicted for his role in Bridgegate and bankrupting New Jersey, Rudy Giuliani racist former mayor of New York who couldn’t string five words together without grousing about “9/11” suddenly forgot it ever happened while blaming Obama for the birth of terrorism on American soil, Newt Gingrich whose own party threw him under the bus, bringing an early, unceremonious end to his time as Speaker of the House, a team of ultra-right wing racists, and Vladimir Putin who is busy hacking everything from the DNC to multiple state voter registration databases just as Chrump asked.

Turds of a feather

All I can do is leave you with this…

I. Mangrey reporting. Resistance is futile.
                                                                                                    Mad in USA