Schmuck Of The Day (Belated)

He Who Boofs Last, Boofs Best*

June 18, 2022

On the dog-doo-encrusted heels of the newly leaked draft opinion exposing the scofflaw Extreme Court’s intention to nullify the settled law of Roe v. Wade, there were a slew of articles implying that Susan Collins was "played" by Brett "Boofing Is All About Family Values" Kavanaugh when she interviewed him to help overturn Roe v. Wade as a Supreme Court Clown/Justice. Collins was not played. She was playing along. How could Collins have suspected a beer-obsessed, credibly-accused sexual assaulter like Kavanaugh of lying to her face? Fuck Susan Collins and anyone who even entertains the idea that a woman should be in control of her own body, and voted for her.

Collins willfully aided and abetted the construction of the super-stupid majority in the Court, voting to confirm nominees to the highest court who she knew full well were chosen by the Federalist Society for their obsession with killing Roe v. Wade, along with countless women who will be forced to die in order to save their unborn. And for their insistence that women (or girls) who were raped, even by family members, to carry those pregnancies to term as life-long reminders of the most horrific moments of their lives until the day they die.

I am not saying the following to be rude or mean, just accurate. Susan Collins is one dumb fuck. With bad intentions.

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* This is probably not true.

This has been your Paying Attention™ Schmuck Of The Day.

You're welcome.

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Fraught For The Day

Ratpublicans Relentlessly Fighting For Duminence

June 17, 2022

Gun fetishist and cutting-edge kook Rep. Margarine Taylor Greene (R-Qanon) is very worried. Not nearly as worried as she is stupid or insane, but very. Marje is convinced that “Probably, in about four or five generations, no one will be straight anymore.” Well, maybe that’s what you get for forcing women to have babies whether they like it or not. I’m going to go out on a limb and guess she did not do the math on her demented prediction, preferring instead to pull the numbers out of her ass (where she probably thinks babies emerge) while managing to leave her head there to continue figuring stuff out in her own special way. 

Greene (right) and soulless mate Lauren Boebert

Making the case for mandatory abortions and cancelling straight people 

It might not seem obvious to someone obsessed with Jewish Space Lasers (still haven’t gotten mine; must be a supply chain issue; either that or their perpetual non-existence), facing extraordinary rendition to a department-store-black-site under Marshall Law, or being dragged away from the dinner table by the Gazpacho Police, or scariest of all, being mistaken for a fuzzy fruit and forced to be an involuntary test subject in a lab full of Peach Tree Dishes, but most people who are not strictly or not at all heterosexual, were born of heterosexual parents. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Although, it must be said that more and more humans (as if we needed any more) are conceived in Peach Tree Dishes, despite God’s clear intention that they not be permitted to procreate. 

Most people who are not Margarine Taylor Greene either know that many heterosexuals give birth to children who identify as LGBTQ+ and simply do not give a shit. If straight people going extinct means no more Margie Taylor Greenes then it really is something to consider. Until then, she really needs to be placed in a witless protection “safe” house, with padded walls and no doors – to protect her from being mass shot, of course. 

For better or worse, we’re going to have to keep a few determined heteros around strictly for breeding purposes, even if we have to enact Marshall Law and send out the Gazpacho Police to keep these breeders, or at least their sperm and eggs sequestered in Peach Tree Dishes. 

I predict Greene will lose her next primary to an AR-15 

This has been your Paying Attention™ Fraught For The Day.

You're welcome.

What has you fraught for the day?

BONUS TRACK:

Procol Harum - Simple Sister

More On Guns

Life Imitates Death

June 16, 2022

“I come from a hunting state. Nobody needs an AK-47 to shoot a deer and it’s time we stop pretending that’s a sign of masculinity. It’s a sign of mental disturbance.”
                        Former Gov. Howard Dean (D-VT), June 8, 2022

So the Senate finally deigned to make the most minor concessions, lest they tread on the sacred last 14 words of the Second Amendment, by tentatively agreeing to itty bitty changes to gun regulations. And for once these changes are actually meant to impose some restrictions rather than removing them. We’ll see how long that lasts. Assuming they actually pass something.

Key & Peele – Going Back in Time to Stop the Second Amendment

Full disclosure, I am no fan of firearms but I am familiar with the Second Amendment. All of it. Not just that last bit that so many people obsess over. I don't claim to even understand the allure of guns, but if you need an AR-15 to take out "prairie dogs and other types varmints" (which was the stunningly pitiful excuse offered up by extra-large varmint Sen. John Thune (R-SD*) for why people need military-style assault weapons) you should not be allowed to have any guns. Native Americans (remember them?) used to bring down bison (remember them?) with fucking bows and arrows. Many people are saying that bison are larger than prairie dogs.

Vicious, killer Prairie Dog (left), mangey, sniveling dog Thune (center), bullshit (right)

We outlawed advertising tobacco products to children, but we still allow marketing assault weapons to children. It is scientifically proven that the brains of young people are not fully developed in many important ways. Unfortunately, it also seems to be the case that the brains of far too many adults are either similarly undeveloped or are simply lacking certain abilities like processing reality or possessing empathy.

Politics Girl

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*South Dakota? Sudden Death? Shit-eating Dog?
** I may have mixed up the last two

 

I. Mangrey reporting. Bang.

Four Strikes And We're Out

Fourth Time's The Charm?

June 14, 2022

"I am watching and I will be watching all the hearings, although I may not be able to watch all of it live but I'll be sure I'll be watching all of it. I can assure you the January 6th prosecutors are watching all the hearings."
                  Attorney General Merrick Garland, June 13, 2022

With two live, public hearings now completed, it is difficult to imagine how the House Select Committee supposes it can persuade anyone in America who needs persuading to believe the tsunami of incontrovertible testimony from loyal Ratpublicans, which is demonstrating beyond a reasonable doubt that Donald J. Turmp did, with malice of forethought (such as it is) plan, conspire, incite, and do everything but physically lead the breach of the Capitol while brandishing a Confederate flag, on January 6, 2021. Not one member of the bipartisan committee shrieked, whined, flailed or made insane shit up. How can anyone take seriously people who simply lay out mountains of damning facts and eviscerating evidence without peddling demented conspiracy theories, or veins popping out of their heads or hair dye running down their faces? Beats me.

Lookin’ good, Rudy – we haven’t seen melting* like this
since the Wicked Witch of The West got splashed

The complete absence of alternative facts could very well cripple whatever hopes the Committee has of influencing many Americans to jettison former President Flotsam, and protect the democracy they claim to cherish despite having not the slightest notion what democracy actually is.

Money For Nothing, Get Your Chumps For Free

To be fair, not all of Turmp’s efforts were aimed at stealing the election he incessantly accused his adversaries of trying to steal. He was also using his Big Lie, his Big Mouth and the incredibly tiny brains of his followers to bilk them out of their hard-earned money – money that would soon become sorely needed and significantly devalued due to Turmp’s (not Biden’s) policies, massive tax cuts (which oddly enough have neither paid for themselves nor trickled down) for the rich and disgraceful handling of the COVID-19 pandemic. Turmp fleeced more than $250M from his flock for his non-existent “Official Election Defense Fund.” The money he raked in included $204,857 to the “Turmp Hotel Collection” – whatever the fuck that is – and $5M to Event Strategies, Inc. the “company” that ran Turmp's now infamous January 6, 2021 pre-insurrection pep rally on The Ellipse.

Noted legal scholar and Professor Emeritus at Harvard University, Laurence Tribe, citing federal law, suggests Turmp’s con on his own supporters looks like Wire Fraud, which carries a penalty of up to 20 years in federal housing.

All the money Turmp grifted came from his cult members; it seems very unlikely that he got any “donations” from those who consider him to be a sniveling, hateful, lifelong criminal and Hot Air Buffoon.

Hot Air Buffoon – off the coast of Florida

It is becoming crystal clear that now, for the third (probably fourth) time that Donald Turmp will be found guilty of crimes against the United States. Just to recap: 1) the Mueller investigation that absolutely found that there was collusion between the Turmp campaign and Russia; 2) the first impeachment, which found that Turmp tried to blackmail Volodymyr Zelenskyy to find dirt on Hunter Biden and 3) the second and record-breaking impeachment, which found that Turmp incited the assault on the Capitol; and now the Select Committee sealing the deal again, even ramping up the accusation from incitement to planning and

Anyone who thinks millions of mentally challenged MAGAts will fall for a bunch of non-lies coming from Ratpublicans has simply not been Paying Attention™.

Tears For Fears - Shout

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*You should the inside of his head…well, maybe not.

I. Mangrey reporting. Try to resist sending Turmp any money. 

Pertinent Summer Rerun/Reminder

June 13, 2022

With the House January 6 hearings now well under way, we take you back to a more peaceful time (just kidding) when John Eastman, one of Turmp's wackiest and most criminal lawyers - quite the high bar - came up against a federal judge who apparently was not an addled Fux News addict. While Eastman still walks among us, a free man, he was ordered to hand over another 159 emails that largely relate to his efforts on behalf of Donald Turmp to try to block the 2020 election result. Eastman has been ordered to turn these emails over today, hopefully offering more grist for the Committee's mill. Really looking forward to the rest of the public hearings. 

WARNING/GUARANTEE:
 THIS IS NOT AN APRIL FOOL’S JOKE

April 1, 2022

On March 28 a federal judge ruled that Donald Trump likely committed a felony in his quest to steal the 2020 election. The 44 page ruling by U.S. District Judge David O. Carter, said in part: “Based on the evidence, the Court finds it more likely than not that President Trump corruptly attempted to obstruct the Joint Session of Congress on January 6, 2021.”

Carter ruled that Tmurp lawyer and the “Brain” (to Tmurp’s “Pinky”) behind the coup John Eastman must turn over documents to the House Select Committee. He wrote in his opinion:

“If Dr. Eastman and President Trump’s plan had worked, it would have permanently ended the peaceful transition of power, undermining American democracy and the Constitution. If the country does not commit to investigating and pursuing accountability for those responsible, the Court fears January 6 will repeat itself.”

Eastman and Tmurp discuss their coup plan

Paging Rosemary Woods
                  or
 It’s Not The Coup It’s The Coup-verup

Hey, remember Nixon’s infamous 18-minute gap in the Watergate cover-up tapes? I sure as hell do. Remember how that was likely what finally led to him having to flee in shame? Well, now we have…drum roll please…Donald Tmurp’s super stupendous, very terrific, bigly 7-hour, 37-minute gap in the White House phone records on January 6, 2021, spanning 11:17am through 6:54pm, which includes the entire duration of Tmurp’s planned Capitol assault. An event that presidential historian Michael Beschloss called, “a coup d’etat attempted by the President of the United States.” Ouch! And an event that everyone with an intact brain knows was exactly what Mr. Beschloss called it. This, as we saw above was also the opinion of a federal judge. Maybe someone should look into this.

Tmurp making one of his “perfect phone calls.”
Maybe the kind that don’t show up on official call logs?

The Icing On The Kook

Just days ago, Tmurp once again called on bloodthirsty war criminal Vladimir Putin to help him out by finding some dirt on Joe and Hunter Biden. Doesn’t he know that his buddy Vlad is busy pummeling Ukraine into dust? Does Tmurp watch anything other than Fux News? Doesn’t Donny know that Vlad broke up with him because Tmurp is a big fat losing loser? Does he not realize that was the same con that earned him his first impeachment? Is he really that thick? Never mind. Too bad Donny isn’t actually rich enough to be one of Vlad’s butt-boy oligarchs; otherwise he could make a new life in Mother Russia.

Disgraced ex-president bravely sits down for interview
with idiot son Eric’s nutjob wife, soils straightjacket

As if begging Putin for dirt on the Bidens was not pathetic enough, the disgraced, twice-impeached, two-time-popular-vote-losing, one-term, seditious, ex-president and failed blogger could not help but whine about his 2017 inauguration. Yes, 2017. The year that happened five years ago. “They did it with my inauguration! They take pictures hours and hours before the inauguration starts, and then they talk about the crowd. We had a massive crowd! And if you see the late pictures when I was speaking, but they don't show those pictures! We have such a corrupt media!”

The Figurine Atop The Icing On The Kook

On Tuesday, The TV host of Russia's 60 Minutes show, Evgeny Popov had this to say, “It's time for us, our people, to call on the people of the United States to change the regime in the U.S. early, and to again help our partner, Trump, to become president.” Partner? Don't they mean comrade?

This begs the question, “Can you impeach a disgraced, already-twice-impeached, one-term, seditious, ex-president and failed blogger?”

I. Mangrey refusing to walk away from this burning building. Also, your shoe's untied.*

*That was an April Fool's joke. The rest, unfortunately, is not.

UPDATE:

Well, it appears that Vlad still considers his boy Don to be a valuable idiot. He quickly acceded to Donny’s plea for fake news on Hunter Biden. The Russians knew they could not use the repeatedly debunked bullshit Tmurp was peddling and came up with their own freshly excreted turd of a conspiracy theory. I'll spare you the details. 

SPECIAL FEATURE: PAYING ATTENTION™ DAILY AFFIRMATION

June 11, 2022

Unfortunately, there have been too many times when we have seen Donald Turmp under fire, under investigation, under interrogation, under oath, only to emerge nowhere near scathed enough to satisfy truth, justice or the American way (well, maybe the American way). Once again, those of us with IQs that are not preceded by a decimal point find ourselves hoping against hope, watching the Russian-roulette-gun-cylinders of justice turning. With the barrel of justice pointed squarely at the orange-dyed temple of the man who tried to steal America, will it finally land on the chamber with the proverbial bullet in it when the metaphorical trigger is pulled?

To that end, let us bathe ourselves in positive imagery, that we may summon into existence that which we desire.

This has been your Paying Attention™ Daily Affirmation

Thought For The Day

I Can Handle The Truth

June 10, 2022

“Tonight I say this to my Republican [apparently, that’s what she calls them] colleagues who are defending the indefensible. There will come a day when Donald Trump is gone, but your dishonor will remain.”
              Liz Cheney, House Select Committee on January 6 Co-chair
                                                June 9, 2022

Chairman Bennie Thompson and Co-chair Liz Cheney (yes that Liz Cheney) bringin’ the pain

After watching the pilot episode of the House Select Committee on January 6, and having some time to reflect on the seriousness of what was presented, I would like to say something to my Ratpublican friends…fortunately I don’t have any.

This has been your Paying Attention™ Thought For The Day.

You're welcome.

What is your thought for the day?

Thought For A Special Night

Evidence: 1 Turmp: 0

June 9, 2022, 10:00 PM

Well, Game One is in the books and this thing is likely to go all seven games. Who doesn’t enjoy a good Presidential Roast. It takes me back to simpler times, when presidents were only paranoid, megalomaniacal, alcoholics with 18-minute gaps in their secret White House tapes, and such, and not a bloated, narcissistic psychopath, bent on ending democracy. I’m looking forward to seeing who accepts the Emmy.

Chairman Bennie Thompson, Democrat of Mississippi did his nation proud in introducing the proceedings. Liz Cheney picked an excellent time for her first disagreement with Donald Turmp. While her father was a saboteur of democracy, the younger Cheney, who voted with Turmp nearly 100% of the time in Congress, stood up for democracy in this critical instance. She laid out a convincing, damning overview of the voluminous evidence of criminal activity by a bevy of buffoons – including the head Hot Air Buffoon – that will be presented over the coming weeks.

Speaking of the Hot Air Buffoon, we saw never-before-seen video of his daughter/ex-girlfriend Ivanka testifying under oath to investigators:

“How did that affect your perspective about the election, when Attorney General Barr made that statement [calling Turmp’s claim of victory due to rampant voter fraud “bullshit”]?” the staff member asked.

“It affected my perspective. I respect Attorney General Barr, so I accepted what he was saying,” Ivanka Trump answered.

Unfortunately, the obvious follow-up question, “Does that imply it is safe to say that you do not respect your father?” was not asked, or at least not shown during this phase of the hearings.

I surely enjoyed spending a relaxing evening watching the festivities. Those were some seriously spunky tourists visiting the Capitol on that day. But it was good to see the thriving American tourist industry at its best in the context of a public Congressional hearing. I barely even missed Sen. Sam Ervin.

Select Committee on Presidential Campaign Activities (aka the Watergate Committee)

Sen. Sam Ervin (D-NC), Chairman (center)

It did not place Proud Boy Turmp in the most flattering light. Usually unflattering light just makes him look more orange. This light altered his normal hue to something closer to the color of mud. However, not being the most aware or self-aware, his delusion as usual won the day. So much winning. Too bad he couldn’t live Tweet the proceedings.

“This very fake witch hunt, only created out of so many lies just to get Turmp in trouble. I’ve done nothing wrong in my whole life. I made America great again, probably greater than ever, with the biggest crowds. I was, I would say, the best president ever, and probably still am. Many people are saying that the only reason anyone watched this very, very bad hearing was because it was all about Turmp. All I have to say is Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV.”

It is satisfying to think that the conman/reality TV phony might be finally brought to justice by reality TV. Real reality TV. Though you just know that the disgraced, twice-impeached, two-time-popular-vote-losing, one-term, seditious, ex-president and failed blogger will claim the hearing only got excellent ratings because it was about him. A very stable genius.

Let loose the alternative facts.

This has been your Paying Attention™ Thought For A Special Night.

You're welcome.

What is your thought for this special night?

UPDATE:

Naturally, there was another mass shooting today. Three dead, trooper wounded in Maryland. 

Broken News

The Insurrection Will Not Be Televised (By Fux News)

June 9, 2022

“Just remember, what you’re seeing and what you’re reading is not what’s happening.”
                    George Orwell Donald J. Trump, July 2018

“We have a two-teared [I assume he spelled it wrong in his very empty head] justice system. If you’re a Republican, you can’t even lie to Congress or lie to an FBI agent or they’re coming after you. They’re gonna bury you. They’re gonna put you in the DC jail.”
                          Rep. Louie Gohmert (R-Byberry)

You Heard It Here Last (Hopefully) 

Tonight, as America (hopefully) takes a brief respite from mass gun murders to focus on saving our democracy, Fux News will not be wasting their viewers’ worthless time by airing the incredibly important, prime time, soon-to-be-Emmy-nominated, live hearing of the House Select Committee on the January 6 insurrection. Instead, Fux will be airing a Leni Riefenstahl film festival, a retrospective of Hillary Clinton’s emails and Anthony Weiner’s dick pics, after which they will be showing the murder of George Floyd on a loop for two hours with a Ted Nugent soundtrack.

As the Select Committee was being formed the political arm of Fux News – the Ratpublican Party – refused to take part in any investigation into their leader's conspiracy to overturn Joe Biden's election. All but two Ratpublican members of the House derided the very idea deciding to instead spend their time obfuscating and fabricating even though many of them knew full well that they were doing so. The rest of them are either too far gone to have any connection with reality, or worse were part of the plot to overthrow the government. Many of them claimed it was a witch hunt. Apparently, now that it has been discovered that there was a were covens of witches, Fux wants to distract their soft-brained viewers from any inconvenient truths that may have been unearthed.

They Hang Traitors, Don’t They?

The fakes at Fux cannot risk having their Silly-Putty-brained audience exposed to non-alternative facts. Their fragile minds could be permanently injured if exposed to what really happened in their names. They would be traumatized by previously unseen footage of fuckwits just like them, laying siege to the Capitol. The air in their heads would heat up and expand to explosion if they are forced to acknowledge that their beloved disgraced, twice-impeached, two-time-popular-vote-losing, one-term, seditious, ex-president and failed blogger was as fully engaged and implicated in the treasonous act as a previous Ratpublican president was when he ordered the break-in and subsequent cover-up known as Watergate. Except that guy managed to get reelected before becoming a pariah.

Fux News leads the way in running away from reality

The complete lack of coverage by right-wing media of one of the most important hearings since Watergate will be anchored by none other than the race-baiting, fact-averse, neo-fascist propagandist Fucker Criminy Swanson Carlson. Who better to ignore reality and keep his lethally ignorant viewers comfortably dumb?

Watch Conway’s head almost fall off as almost

vomits up her own feces defending “alternative facts”

Donald Tmurp – The Voice of Treason

“So look, all I want to do is this, I just want to find 11,780 votes, which is one more than we have (sic) [he meant “need” but is too stupid to complete a sentence].”
      Donald J. Trump to Georgia’s secretary of state on January 4, 2021, just two days before he let loose his dogs of war on the Capitol to overthrow the American government he pretended to lead

George Orwell’s mic drop

This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News report.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled anxiety.