Broken News

Lights, Camera, Asshole

March 6, 2023

Ratpublican cocaine addict – no, not George WTF Bush – Don Trump, Jr. wiped his nose after getting coked up backstage and oozed on stage at this year’s CPAC fiasco. Days later, after Junior showed off his best coke-addled rants, Daddy Dumbest gave the event's keynote address – as expected, another sordid affair full of lies, whining and wholly unwarranted narcissism – to a fairly empty venue populated by almost completely empty heads. You know, morons.

While laying out his latest grift – telling his marks to switch from woke cell providers like Verizon, AT&T, etc., to Patriot Mobile (who rent their bandwidth from Verizon, AT&T, etc.) – Done, Jr. spewed this

Support businesses that support your values, put their kids through soccer camp and soccer practice, rather than funding, you know, what is it, ten-month abortions. You know, some of the insanity that we see on the other side.

Somebody get that man a teleprompter. Then teach him how to read. Then duct-tape his mouth shut. Or better yet, sutures. Even better, a nice rubber room. Or something with bars.

Snowflake Or Snow Blower?

Until then, carve out some time from your busy schedule to see the latest in entertainment from the good people at Paying Attention™. The directorial debut of none other than I. Mangrey, screenplay by Ed Venture, and a cast of one.

Attempting to ride the unlikely coattails of the hit movie Cocaine Bear – a 500-pound black bear consumes a significant amount of cocaine and embarks on a drug-fueled rampage (knock off 300-or-so pounds and you have a certain nepotistic knock-off) – we are proud (well, not so much proud as resigned) to bring you the next box office smash, and guaranteed Oscar nominee for Most Disturbing Film…

They call him Done, Jr.

Same genetic damage, a fraction of the extremely-acquired-taste “charisma” the intellectually-challenged see in his father.
the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree; the shit doesn’t fall far from the asshole.
he is the cocaine bore!
Every time he assaults social media he appears to be coked to the gills. If he’s not on the stuff, that would be even scarier. Either way, he’s one hot mess. Hide your daughters, your sons, your fruits and vegetables – he is the universal contaminant.
every time he talks an angel throws up in its mouth and gets herpes.
beware the cocaine bore!
Shut him up before everyone gets hurt.

You won’t want to miss this one. Probably.

This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News report.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled blissful ignorance.

Fraught For The Day

Floriduh Is A Major Drag

March 5, 2023

Ron DuhSantis continues his war on education and democracy, and now the free press. There is proposed legislation that would require bloggers who write about Lord DuhSantis or Floriduh legislators to register with the state. Huh? They would have to disclose who pays them and how much. You know, like how politicians who are owned by corporations must disclose who owns them and what their purchase price was...oh wait, they don’t have to disclose fuck-all. So will Fux News be banned from Floriduh for their incessant lying, or only if their lies offend DuhSantis?

What Racist Ron proudly calls his “War on Woke.” DuhSantis is trying to out-fascist his fellow governors and other MAGAts who are looking to pick up where Trump will have left off once all his guilty verdicts have been rendered in New York, Georgia and Washington, DC, rendering Trump persona non grata on the presidential stage.

DuhSantis has already replace boards of trustees in colleges with Cro Magnon men who oppose any mention of race, gender or anything resembling reality in hopes of canceling culture, controlling curricula, and white-breading every aspect of education in his Florida Fiefdom. If Rabid Ron gets his way, it will be illegal to mention slavery, if not the very existence of Black people, in the new Fascist Republic of Florida. Living as a member of the LGBTQ+ community will be outlawed*, and the Democratic Party will be banished from Anti-woke World.

____________________________________________________
*I wonder if there are any pictures of DuhSantis in drag, like there is of fellow Ratpublican governor Bill Lee of Tennessee – who is planning to ban drag performances in his state.                                 

Bill Lee (center) in high school...and drag

Freak out…

I mean, Peace Out.

This has been your Paying Attention™ Fraught For The Day.

Thought For The Day

File Under: Fuck ‘em if They Can’t Take a Joke

February 30, 2022

Ratpublicans - Fuck 'em even if they can take a joke.

SPOILER ALERT: They can’t.

This has been your Paying Attention™ Thought For The Day.

Fun Fact For The Night

Keep His (Tiny) Hands Where You Can See 'Em

February 28, 2023

One of Trump's hundreds of defense attorneys Jennifer Little, (above) learning first hand that her client wasn't kidding when he told Billy Bush, "And when you're a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab 'em by the pussy. You can do anything."

Just thought you might like to know.

This has been your Paying Attention™ Fun Fact For The Night.

Thought For The Day - Men Of God

Cloudy With A Chance Of Nuclear Winter

February 25, 2023

Vladimir Putin claims to be a devout Christian. Putting aside Putin’s latest foray into murder (genocide?) and mayhem, I'm not sure his delusion of being a good Christian is compatible with him pulling out of the last remaining nuclear weapons treaty with the U.S.

I guess he's planning to turn the other nuke.

Either that or he's merely doing God’s work in trying to hasten the Rapture.

In The Name Of God, What?

Speaking of “good Christians,” Alaska Ratpublican Rep. David Eastman from Wasilla – Sarah Palin’s slumping grounds (Eastman is also a native of Orange County, CA, Dick Nixon’s old stomping grounds) – felt the need to publicly humiliate himself for no apparent reason

“In the case where child abuse is fatal, obviously it’s not good for the child, but it’s actually a benefit to society because there aren’t needs for government services and whatnot over the whole course of the child’s life.”

Eastman was asked to clarify

“Talking dollars, it gets argued periodically that it’s actually a cost savings because that child is not going to need any of those government services that they might otherwise be entitled to receive.”

Yes, this was clearly about dollars, and not sense.

For the record, Eastman is a lifetime member of the seditious Oath Keepers. He is against abortion in all forms and has called abortion the “ultimate form of child abuse.” Unsurprisingly, Eastman is a die-hard Trump supporter who claims not to have entered the Capitol on January 6, 2021, but was definitely present at the insurrection.

This has been your Paying Attention™ Thought For The Day.

What do you think?

Broken News

Too Much Talk, And Too Much More Talk

February 23, 2023

Okay, I admit it. I watch too much news. And the latest shiny object, or hot air balloon, if you prefer, is Emily Kohrs the foreperson from the Fulton County, Georgia grand jury that was deciding on indictments related to Donald “Frankly, we did win this election” Trump’s attempts to steal the election he still says he won.

Everyone knows that Trump (and others) pressured Georgia Attorney General Brad Raffensperger to find him 11,780 votes, which Trump (and everyone else who tried to pressure the AG) knew did not exist in the real world.

Kohrs, who should not be talking to anyone about her time on the grand jury at this point in time, is now showing up in more places than Herpes. She is doing interviews with anyone who has a mouth, an inappropriate question (which Kohrs thankfully did not answer) and a film crew.

My dear, departed cat Leo, in lieu of a picture of ditzy
Kohrs, who should still be unseen and unheard

While this is all possibly very exciting, it is just plain wrong. And she is just plain goofy. Kohrs admits to never having voted, and had no idea that Trump made that perfect phone call to Raffensperger – perfect evidence of guilt, that is. She also spoke glowingly of the very nice and forthcoming Lindsey Graham.

Best of all, she was absolutely smitten with meeting Rudy Giuliani, who she said caused her to pause in order to shake his hand and express her admiration, and who Kohrs found to be extremely thoughtful and honest during his testimony. Full disclosure: I’m betting Giuliani was one of the witnesses most jurors found to have committed perjury. 

Kohrs seems pleasant and innocent enough, her choice of heroes notwithstanding, but she was wrong to poke herself into the public eye before it was appropriate. Now too many pundits are trying to read into Kohrs’ enigmatic utterances, cutesy nods and winks. Personally, I am simply going to ignore every little hint, since when she says “It is not going to be some giant plot twist. You probably have a fair idea of what may be in there. I’m trying very hard to say that delicately.”

She also told one of the many interviewers, “I wanted to hear from the former president, but honestly I kind of wanted to subpoena the former president because I got to swear everybody in, and so I thought it would be really cool to get 60 seconds with president Trump, with me looking at him and being like do you solemnly swear…I kind of thought that would be an awesome moment.” So yeah, that happened. Did I mention that she could be the twin sister of the banjo boy from Deliverance? Did I? 

I have no way of knowing how someone who clearly has so little contact with what is going on – someone who absolutely gushed over Rudy Fucking Giuliani, and was simply giddy over the idea of subpoenaing Trump for her own jollies – could think what is obvious, is anything like what I think is obvious.

I will not count my indictments before they are hatched. Plus, an indictment is not a finding of guilt.

I remain nauseously optimistic.

This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News report.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled plot twists.

Fucked Up Bullshit For The Day

Dasvidumbass

February 22, 2023

First, The Badass Cool Part…

The Pro-Russia caucus in the Ratpublican party jumped to Vladimir Putin’s defense as American President Joe Biden made a surprise visit to the active war zone that is the Ukraine capital Kyiv to show solidarity with Volodymyr Zelenskyy. Dark Brandon not only showed up in war-torn Ukraine, with air raid sirens blaring as he strolled through the streets alongside Zelenskyy, but Amtrak Joe took a fucking super-secret 10-hour train ride from Poland to get there.

Now For The Fucked Up Bullshit…

Meanwhile, one of the most high-profile, low-IQ knuckle-draggers in Congress – Marjorie Taylor Greene, or Empty G, as she is unpopularly known – on no less than Presidents Day (which should revert back to a celebration of Washington and Lincoln’s birthdays now that the 45^th man to hold that office has tainted the presidency permanently), called for so-called red states to secede from the Union:

“We need a national divorce. We need to separate by red states and blue states and shrink the federal government. Everyone I talk to says this. From the sick and disgusting woke culture issues shoved down our throats to the Democrat’s [sic] traitorous America Last policies, we are done.”

It appears that Empty G has forgotten that she lives in and represents constituents in the state of Georgia, which she presumably believes is a red state. Now I’m not a member of Congress, but I am a member of the American electorate, and unlike Empty G I am a member of the human race, and I remember that way back in 2020 the state of Georgia voted for Joe Biden to become president. Georgia also has two Democratic senators. Marge doesn’t even have two viable brain cells to rub together.

Which begs the question, apparently, what makes a state red? And what makes Empty G open the hole in her face that allows air and stupid to escape the cavity between her ears? Someone call the Gazpacho Police before it’s too late.

Empty G – trying desperately to prove her world-class ignorance

Empty G – Killing America One IQ Point At A Time

If memory serves, I seem to recall secession was tried once before. If I remember correctly, it was over states’ whites or something like that. I think the whole thing has since been removed from history books – at least in Florida and Texas – because it triggered fragile white folks who want to cancel culture. Anyway, it would probably be a bad idea to try it again, even if it would not be over slavery this time.

Maybe we should do a kind of dry run consisting of making sure that no money from blue states ever ends up in the hands of red states for a few years just to see how things might play out. I mean who could blame them for wanting to ditch the blue states? Blue states can’t keep up when it comes to unwanted pregnancies, per capita murders, poverty, lousy education and racism.

If the red states even survive more than a few months without blue states propping them up, then they can decide if they still want to go it alone. Or maybe they’ll just want to get Empty G and her pals to STFU. They can go and start their own country for stupid white people…somewhere.

Sorry, but this needed to be said. And I could not stop myself from saying it.

This has been your Paying Attention™ Fucked Up Bullshit For The Day.

Broken News

Trump Cower

February 21, 2023

Donald Trump’s lap weasel and flatulence funnel Mike Pence is hard at work trying to dodge a subpoena from Special Counsel Jack Smith (and yes Mr. Drumpf*, that is his real name, and he is real serious about protecting America from the likes of you). Most legal experts believe that serving Pence with a subpoena means he is getting closer to indicting the big fat cheese puff. And Pence, being still owned by and stupid-glued to Trump, is choosing to protect his master, judge, jury and would-be executioner in order to keep us from learning the truth.

Which begs the question, why does Mike Pence hate America? Why does he continue to support the ongoing insurrection and bigly…I mean Big Lie? Why doesn’t Pence want to tell the truth about what he knows about Trump’s attempted coup? Remember? The coup where Trump encouraged his mush-brained mutant MAGAts to – what was that again? Oh yeah, now I remember – Hang Mike Pence! Hang Mike Pence! In case anyone wasn’t sure if they were serious, they chanted it over and over – it even displaced “Jews will not replace us!” for a while – and in order to be prepared, they constructed a gallows outside the Capitol, wherein they went hunting for the vice weasel (among others). Meanwhile, Mighty Mike was running for his life, soiling his britches and preparing to claim he was the hero of the day. Even if he was the hero of that day (spoiler alert: he was not), he is now a sniveling coward and a traitor to this nation, refusing to speak under oath to the American people via Special Counsel Jack Smith. Pence claims he is merely protecting the separation of powers and the office he once held (spoiler alert: he is not).

Does Pence really believe he can run for president, or is he trying to stay on the ticket that almost got him strung up?

Don & Mike – getting the scam back together again

Whatever his goal, Mike Pence will go down in American history as a footnote, a failure and as Trump called him for refusing to aid and abet Trump’s attempt to ignore the will of the people (and the Electoral College this time) while inciting a coup, “a pussy.” 

Don and Mike in happier times

__________________________________________________
*

The Story of Drumpf

This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News report.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled bewilderment.

Donnie Downs The Fifth

February 19, 2023

A Fifth Amendment By Any Other Name

The disgraced, twice-impeached, failed insurrection leader and Fifth-Amendment-dependent ex-one-term Forty Fifth president is now the Four-Hundred-Fifth-Amendment ex-president. Donnie Dementia hid behind the Fifth Amendment - without calling it by its name – nearly 450 times during his hours-long deposition as he stands accused of fraud in the state of New York. 

Trump pretending to read while wallowing in the Fifth Amendment

during questioning by NY Attorney General Letitia James

Dementia Donnie refused to call it by its name nearly 450 times, fooling no one but himself. Is it possible he listens to himself and remembered all the times he had less than flattering things to say about people taking the Fifth? More likely, someone remembered for him and gave him a piece of paper to try to keep him from ad-libbing himself into a perjury trap. Or uttering the words “Fifth Amendment.” 

Trump did let those truthful words slip out one time, when he said “Anyone in my position not taking the Fifth Amendment would be a fool, an absolute fool.” This while his lawyers could be heard whispering, “Read the statement. Read the statement.” For the record, one can invoke the Fifth Amendment many hundreds of times and still be a fool. And guilty. 

We Hold His Lies To Be Self Evident

 

Less than two weeks before the 2016 election, the FBI was throwing baseless allegations about Hillary Clinton’s emails – for the umpteenth time. These allegations were made in no small part because FBI agent Charles McGonigal, who we now know was being paid by Russian oligarch Oleg Deripaska – Putin’s (and Trump ally Paul Manafort’s) buddy who was helping Trump defeat Clinton – helped force FBI Director James Comey to announce these new accusations which probably caused Clinton to lose the Electoral College. Some might call this coordination between Trump, individuals in the FBI and Russian nationals loyal to Putin collusion. 

Here’s what candidate Trump said about Clinton’s staff during the campaign while Clinton’s staff was dealing with these allegations:
 

“Her staffers taking the Fifth Amendment, over and over.”

 

“You have your staff taking the Fifth Amendment. The Fifth. So they’re not prosecuted…I think it’s disgraceful.”

 

“Fifth Amendment, Fifth Amendment, Fifth Amendment. Horrible. Horrible.”

 

“So, there are five people taking the Fifth Amendment. Like you see on the mob, right? You see the mob takes the Fifth. If you're innocent, why are you taking the Fifth Amendment?” 

It almost sounds like Trump thinks anyone who takes the Fifth has something to hide. Funny thing about the Fifth Amendment, while it cannot be used to imply guilt in criminal proceedings, it can be used in civil court to do just that. Juries in civil court are permitted to make “adverse inferences against” a defendant who pleads the Fifth. This means that they are within their rights to think things like:
 

“Fifth Amendment, Fifth Amendment, Fifth Amendment. Horrible. Horrible.”

 

“…taking the Fifth Amendment. Like you see on the mob, right? You see the mob takes the Fifth. If you're innocent, why are you taking the Fifth Amendment?” 

are indicative of guilt as they decide the disposition of the case. 

Oopsie.

It is starting to look like Trump would be better off pivoting to a non compos mentis defense.
 

I. Mangrey invoking.