I've a Feeling He’s Not In Texas Anymore

Ted’s Crude

Northeast Corridor
April 27, 2016

We here at Paying Attention had been “hopeful” of late that religious fanatic, bull-goose homophobe and human zit Ted Cruz was poised to knock Donald Chrump down a peg or two in the fight for the Republican’t presidential nomination. I know, what were we thinking? Cruz never even had his own reality show. In fact nothing about him hints of reality. It now seems that Chrump is on his way to the general election because the more people get a whiff of Cruz, the more they like him less.

Ted Cruz, who Al Franken recently described as “the love child of Joe McCarthy and Dracula”, pushes on in his thus far successful quest to get as many people as possible to despise him. Whereas Bernie Sanders started out as an unknown and seems to attract more and more supporters the more he gets his message out, the mostly unheard of Cruz just sickens more and more people the more he pokes himself into the public eye. Sure Bernie seems perpetually cranky, but he is old and Jewish, so it works for him. Cruz just sounds like he is simultaneously whining and scolding and doing a bad Yoko Ono impression. He comes across as condescending and punchable – evermore so as he continues to defile the universe with his McCarthyesque demeanor.

It could not be clearer that New York values do not include whatever Cruz is oozing. On the heels of his schlonging in the New York primary, accomplished lawyer and constantly self-proclaimed super patriot Ted Cruz decided to wax philosophic in his own very special way. In an effort to spin defeat into I-don’t-know-what said, "But America has always been best when she Is lying down with her back on the mat, and the crowd has given the final count." I guess this makes sense coming from the man who completely misses the point of Green Eggs and Ham and made a point of displaying his shocking ignorance on the floor of the Senate during his epic anti-Obamacare filibuster. I don’t think I want to know what the hell he meant by that. What planet is this guy from? More important, when is he going back?

It’s My Party and I’ll Lie if I Want To

The reality-challenged Cruz claims he is a Constitutionalist, but somehow he does not believe in the Supreme Court. He believes in states’ rights über alles. Responding to a question about same-sex marriage, the Canadian-born Cuban said, “I don’t think it should be five unelected lawyers down in Washington dictating that.” No, he believes the states should be able to dictate who can marry whom. And who goes into which bathroom. Because The Constitution. Also because God talks to him...well, actually God only talks to his family members because even God can only take so much.

Cruz is only half way into his first term as a Texas senator. Before he became a senator Cruz went to elitist Ivy League schools in order to become a lawyer. He is very proud of his 2 and 4 record (out of nine appearances) arguing in front of the Supreme Court. One of Cruz’s two victories allowed Texas to execute a convicted murderer despite an order from an international court and the urging of President George W. Bush to hold off so he could receive a new hearing.

As reported here previously, in 2008, Texas Solicitor General Ted Cruz went to court to defend a law banning the sale of sex toys. According to Mother Jones, "The brief by Cruz's office compared the use of sex toys to 'hiring a willing prostitute or engaging in consensual bigamy,' and it equated advertising these products with the commercial promotion of prostitution." But the US Court of Appeals for the 5th Circuit thought this argument was stupid. Their opinion of Cruz himself has evaded documentation, but I will go out on a limb and assume they thought Cruz himself was reminiscent of having your teeth slowly drilled while having your own nails dragged across a chalkboard. I have read the Constitution and I don’t remember anything in there about dildos – either Cruz himself or the ones he tried to outlaw in Texas. Some say that Cruz just wanted to make sure he was the only dildo in the state of Texas.

Has Ted been a naughty boy?

Getting Cruz-ified

Former House Speaker John Boehner called Cruz “Lucifer in the flesh” , adding “I have Democrat friends and Republican friends. I get along with almost everyone, but I have never worked with a more miserable son of a bitch in my life.” Cruz continues to get spanked in the primaries. New York netted him exactly zero delegates and the latest super Tuesday saw God’s candidate swept away by a Chrump tsunami across the northeastern US. Cruz is now getting flattened by John Kasich. As you may recall Mr. Cruz prayed and prayed until he finally badgered God into telling him to run for president. According Cruz’s freaky fundamentalist father God ordained that his son should run for president. Clearly the Lord works in mysterious ways. Was it God’s will that Ted come in a distant third to Kasich? Kasich is currently in fourth place in the delegate count behind Marco Rubio – remember Marco Rubio? I don’t. If this is what being God’s anointed one looks like, I’ll take my chances going it alone.

Epilogue

In his last ditch effort to a) pitifully attempt to drag the spotlight away from the ever-billowing Chrump and b) vainly appear as a still-viable candidate, Cruz has just announced his (chucle, chuckle, laugh, debilitating guffaw) running mate (still catching my breath)…wait for it…none other than delusionally woman-hating, disastrously failed candidate, business woman and third to only Chrump and Cruz in dislikability – Carly Fiorina. You just can’t make this stuff up folks.

I. Mangrey reporting. Because it’s there.
                                                                                                    Mad in USA

Earth: A Great Place To Raise Your Kids

Is The Climate Changing or Is It Just Me

Happy Earth Day

April 22, 2016

Hey, remember the Earth? Many of us live there, or used to. Unfortunately too many of us are Republican’t Americans. There is no other politically empowered group of people on the Earth so vigorously denying climate science as these lunkheads. Dictators, terrorists and even most morons in other countries think we should take action to combat global climate change. And of course the reportedly inconsequential, totally biased 97% of climate scientists. But not Republican’ts. Insane or stupid – you make the call. ‘Both’ is also an acceptable answer.

One more thing Republican’ts think is just a theory

As if to remind us of just how much humans respect the only habitable planet we know of, the trans-Alaska Pipeline had to be shut down for several hours Wednesday night after a fire erupted at a pump station near the Arctic Circle, according to pipeline and state officials. You might not have heard about this latest event is because leaks, fires and explosions happen all the time – almost as often as someone is shot by a toddler (which is around once a week in America) – and because very powerful people have a vested interest in keeping such things quiet.

For some reason people were complaining about the Alaska pipeline right from the get-go. But not everyone thought it was a bad idea. Let’s assume George H.W. Bush was right back in 1991 when he said of the Alaska pipeline, "The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at." Actually let’s not, and not even say we did.



In any event, tell the Earth you care today. Look at her longingly from outer space. Plant a tree, ride a bike, put a windmill in your yard, some solar panels on your roof and if you have an extra 80 or 90 grand gathering dust, buy a Tesla.

I. Mangrey recycling.

Bills, Bills, Bills

BREAKING NEWS

White Man Gets Moved to the Back of the Bill

The Underground Female Road
April 21, 2017

In a stunning turn of events. Dead white slavery-loving, genocide aficionado and America’s seventh president Andrew Jackson is to be bumped to the back of the $20 bill by none other than abolitionist, humanitarian, Union spy and suffragist Harriet Tubman.

Bye bye white guy.

Tubman was originally slated to replace Alexander Hamilton on the ten, but protests were registered and Hamilton is currently enjoying immense popularity. Hamilton gets to keep his spot on the front and the back of the $10 will now feature an as yet to be announced group of women suffragists. That's all well and good, but can we really afford to lose the image of a white man on our currency? Sure Jackson will remain on the twenty, but is it fair for a white man to be displaced by a black woman? What is this country coming to? Next thing you know real live black women will start wanting to be treated as equals to real live white men.

Inimitable neuro-surgeon Ben Carson felt that removing a hero who balanced the budget and not just oversaw but saw to the Trail of Tears should not be replaced by the likes of Tubman. Carson suggests instead that we put Harriet Tubman on the $3 $2 bill. The $20 is the most plentiful bill in circulation. When was the last time you saw a $2 bill? Or an intelligent quote from Dr. Ben Carson?

I. Mangrey reporting.

This Week On CELEBRITY CANDIDATE

Of Mice and Rats

The Great White Wasteland
April 15, 2016

Our Long Republican’t Nightmare Is Finally Over

It went on much longer than anyone could have predicted, certainly longer than is compatible with intelligent life on Earth. A nightmarish caricature oozed down an escalator frightening children and adults alike. Donald Chrump came in like a liar and goes out like a scam. The Insult Candidate Dog will not be the Republican’t candidate. That should not stop him though. He should run as an independent – it won’t cost him anything. It’s not like he is using any of his own money to run. Sure he says he is self-funding. SURPRISE! That is a lie. You can tell it is a lie because Chrump said it in public. Talk about doing it on the cheap, his campaign headquarters is literally an old set from The Apprentice in Chrump Towers. Who cares if running a third party campaign is against the rules at this late stage? I am guessing that Chrump who said, “I don’t care about rules, folks…” might not. But how else will he be able to keep his latest reality show on the air for a few more months. Look for Chrumpy to incite a write-in campaign, which will do well. Just well enough to insure the Democratic candidate a crushing victory.

According to a recent AP poll Chrump has “unprecedented unpopularity…Americans of nearly every race, gender, political persuasion and location.” Over 60% of American voters say there is no way they would vote for him, including almost half of Republican’ts. Chrump is intensely unloved by men, women, the young, the less young, conservatives, moderates, liberals, white folks, black folks and Hispanics. Other than that he pretty much has the nomination wrapped up. Who can stand all this winning?

Palin kills boar, courts boor.

New York Post columnist and conservative…we’ll say stalwart Rich Lowry accused Chrump of being “the most fabulous whiner in the world”. Chrump responded, “Well I think he's probably right, I am the most fabulous whiner. I do whine, because I want to win. And I’m not happy if I’m not winning. And I am a whiner, and I'm a whiner and I keep whining and whining until I win.” This is a real quote. I heard it with my own ears.

On a related note, a protestor at a recent Chrump rally yelled out, “You’re an asshole.” Chrump without hesitation responded, “You got that right you jerk. I am an absolutely incredible asshole. I’m the most incredible asshole in this country, probably the world. Nobody is a bigger asshole than me. Nobody. Isn’t that right people. Tell this loser what an unbelievable asshole I am. Get the hell out of here. And take your tiny little asshole with you. Get him the hell out of here. Get him the hell out of here. And kick him in the balls.” This a differently real quote. I wrote it with my own hands. So it is true in the Chrumpiest sense.

The Sun is finally setting on America’s ridiculously bad hair day. You can get out of bed now.

Between a Schmuck and a Head Case

The cavalcade of crazies came clumsily careening onto the campaign trail and then one by one disappeared from view and faded from memory as the Quibbler from Queens chewed them up and spit them out as one would a Chrump Steak or some Chrump Wine or anything else sporting the Chrump brand that happened to end up in one’s mouth. We had spent far too much time on them anyway.

The contest has come down to Chrumpenstein, Count Cruzula and that other guy, a foolishly-more-reasonable-seeming (not so much really) never-was-gonna-be nebbish. But he sure knows his Old Testament: 

The two top dogs are a kind of a toss-up. As Linsey Graham said in January regarding the choice between Chrump and Cruz, “It’s like being shot or poisoned. What does it really matter?”

The Republican’t establishment continues to work feverishly to avoid either eventuality. They are so desperate that they are itching to bring Ayn Rand fan-boy, gym-rat, and self-imagined numbers-whiz Paul Ryan back to reprise his consummate losing performance as W. Mitt Romney’s running mate. At least I think that is why they are itching. Ryan spent weeks insisting there was no way he would want the job of House Speaker. He is currently Speaker of The House. Now he insists there is no way he would accept his party’s nomination for president. Do the math. My heart still belongs to J.E.B.

Our Long Republican’t Nightmare Is Only Just Beginning

There is no free lunch. It is said that when one door closes another opens up. The same could be said for our current situation with the demise of Don Chrump. With one exception. Neither of the doors in question opens up to anything palatable. The closing door should never have been opened. The opening door exposes a horror beyond comprehension. Members of his own team despise him as much as anyone. I think you know all too well of whom I speak. It is Cruz time. Be afraid. Be very afraid. And nauseous. Mostly nauseous.

In 2008, Texas Solicitor General Ted Cruz went to court to defend a law banning the sale of sex toys. According to Mother Jones, "The brief by Cruz's office compared the use of sex toys to 'hiring a willing prostitute or engaging in consensual bigamy,' and it equated advertising these products with the commercial promotion of prostitution." But US Court of Appeals for the 5th Circuit thought this argument was stupid. Cruz wanted to make sure he was the only dildo in the state of Texas.

His old college roommate weighs in again:



Peter King (R-NY), no liberal he, vigorously endorsed Cruz last week. King explained what he would do in the face of a Cruz nomination saying, “I tell you, I don’t know — I’ll get some cyanide. I don’t know what I’ll do. I mean, I’ll just — you know, not gonna tell you.”

Linsey Graham’s take on Ted? "If you killed Ted Cruz on the floor of the Senate, and the trial was in the Senate, nobody would convict you."

The Germans have a word for it.

I. Mangrey reporting.
                                                                                                Mad in USA

I Need To Take A Chrump

What Was I Thinking?

Mistakes Were Made
April 4, 2016

I just can’t keep up with this guy. While I was writing my last piece Chrump went further than ever in spelling out exactly what he is about. First he declared that once abortions are outlawed any woman getting one should be punished. Then he said that the doctor, not the woman should be punished, possibly nuked. Then he insisted that for men, women and children alike, he would not take nuclear weapons off the table for dealing with trouble. You know, like when Megan Kelly mistreats him on the teevee. Maybe his mouth should talk to him before it opens itself to speak.

Tune in tomorrow when Chrump’s mouth says, “I have the best mouth. I do. The best mouth ever. Nobody has a better mouth than I do. It’s just a fact. But my mouth does not necessarily speak for me or my campaign. I cannot be held responsible for every thing that ass hole says. I am not my mouth. And you can quote me on that.”

I know that as a news junkie/reporter it is my responsibility to pay attention to detail. Perhaps statements like the one above by Pouty McFuckface should have tipped me off. I am not trying to make excuses. I suppose I got caught up in all the excrement…I mean excitement. I, as you are painfully aware, have been closely watching the candidacy of Donald Chrump and have always tried to be objective (well, objecting but I think they’re pretty much the same thing) and observant. Or so I thought.

Pouty McFuckface

It seems I have misjudged Mr. Chrump in an embarrassing way. I hope I can be excused for not realizing that the hole under his nose, considering what comes out of that particular orifice moment after moment, day after day, for more months than anyone can believe, was actually his mouth. I know that its location just above his orange chin should have tipped me off. Maybe I’m getting slow in my old age but I would have sworn that thing was a sphincter of the sort typically found at the other end of the feeding/elimination tube. My bad. Chrump obviously talks out of both ends of his tube with equal aplomb. It’s just difficult to determine which end is which. Nonetheless I certainly hope he doesn’t try to kiss Ted Cruz’s wife with that thing.

Are we absolutely sure that thing is a mouth?
Either way, avoid standing directly in front of it.

He’s Got His Back

Behind every good man there is a strong woman. Behind Donald Chrump there is ardent supporter Ann Coulter saying, “Our candidate is mental! Do you realize our candidate is mental? It’s like constantly having to bail out your sixteen-year-old son from prison.” The ladies love him. They love him.

Still Can’t Keep Up

While I was writing this Chrump changed his position on abortion and the punishing of women and/or doctors therefore a couple more times. The Art of the Flip Flop. It isn’t that Chrump is off message, except for the part where every other Republican’t hides their message and Chrump is too ignorant use the lingo. He says exactly what they think, but will never say aloud. And they hate him for this. Idiot that he is, he has accidentally outed the lot of them. Chrump’s insane original position on abortion – punishing women who get them – is the same as that of most Republican’ts including Cruz and Kasich (who has done just about everything in his power as governor of Ohio to limit women’s rights and health. In February, he signed a bill preventing Planned Parenthood from getting $1.3 million in state and federal funding, including funds for a program to reduce infant mortality. As always, these hypocrites only care about fetuses. Not women. Not children.

Chrump, when asked by John Dickerson if he thought abortion was murder said, "I have my opinions on it, but I'd rather not comment on it. I mean, I do have my opinions on it. I just don't think it's an appropriate forum." Excuse me sir, but my understanding is that you are running for president. That is what you have been intimating…or at least your mouth has. I cannot think of a more appropriate forum in which to discuss issues of law. But what do I know? I’m not a reality show star…I mean candidate for president so this might not be an appropriate forum.

As anyone within the sight of my voice will be unsurprised to learn, Chrump is refusing to say he will rule out a third party run. It depends on how he is treated. Poor baby.

And Now…Old News

The more things change, the more Chrump stays the same.

I. Mangrey reporting. If you can read this you’re too darn close.

UPDATED: 10:20 PM April 6, 2016

“All of the worst things we know about Donald Trump have come from his mouth.” Lawrence O’Donnell

                                                                                                                         Mad in USA