Texas Toast

Cruz In For a Losin’

Lone Star Stain

April 3, 2015

Last time we met I was bemoaning the coming presidential election. It seems very likely that the Republican’ts will throw the hat containing John Ellis “Jeb” Bush into the ring. Or we could have the first official entrant - Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz, Jr., who announced his candidacy for the 2016 Republican’t Freak Fest via Twitter. What is it with these Republican’t candidates? Why can’t they use their given names? Remember Willard “Mitt” Romney? Cruz, the Canadian-born Cuban-turned-Texan, who only recently renounced his Canadian citizenship, dazzled a truly captive audience of students (threatened with fines for non-attendance of this mandatory event) at Jerry Falwell’s Liberty University during the live version of his official hat-in-the-ring announcement. Ted Cruz - strict creationist, climate science denier, anti-choice pseudo-libertarian. An adult who completely missed the message of Green Eggs and Ham, which he proved while reading it on the Senate floor. I’ve been watching Sen. Cruz for a while. I’m not proud of this fact, just being honest - because I’m not a real journalist. And mildly brain damaged. Even more so since I began watching Cruz. This is why today’s installment comes to you via my good friend T. Doff. T joined the team back in ’13 to help with some heavy lifting of Ted Cruz. I find myself needing a rest, so I’m going to sit back and enjoy this one with you…

I. Mangrey.

How’s that workin’ out for ya?

Just so you know that we are in fact Paying Attention, Ted Cruz has been on our radar for a couple of years, not long after being sworn in for his first term as a Texas senator. Our first report Ted Cruz, Rising Stain appeared on September 24, 2013. We followed that on October 19^th with Cruz Vows To Make Same Mistake Over And Over. Yes ladies and gentlemen, Rafael Cruz, Jr. - Joseph McCarthy look-alike with a voice somewhere between Sean Hannity and fingernails-on-chalkboard. Ted Cruz - the Cheez Whiz of American politics. He looks kind of oily and out-of-place, and though some find his taste appealing-if-unrecognizable as an actual meant-to-be-digested substance, he will ultimately gum up the works and kill the body he claims to nourish.

“Oh shit, I must have left my brain in my other head.” 

By all accounts Cruz is despicable…despicable and brilliant. The most common words used to describe him since his college days? Arrogant and asshole. According to Talking Points Memo’s Josh Marshall who interviewed Cruz’s classmates at Princeton and Harvard, most “described the young Cruz with words like "abrasive," "intense," "strident," "crank," and "arrogant." Four independently offered the word "creepy," with some pointing to Cruz's habit of donning a paisley bathrobe and walking to the opposite end of their dorm's hallway where the female students lived.” Those interviewed described Cruz as a very smart jerk. “Let's call it AASS. A#$hole, Arrogant, Super Smart," according to Marshall. If only he had chosen to use his brilliance for niceness instead of stupid. 

Tea Party darling, Ted Cruz - out of costume

And you can’t talk about Ted without talking about his dad - Rafael Edward Cruz, Sr. Cruz has an almost fanatical devotion to his pastor father. But to paraphrase Art Linkletter, “Dads say the craziest things.” Well, Cruz’s dad certainly does. Try these on for size…

“The Obama administration wants to take our rights to keep and bear arms away from us. They are trying to take our God, and our gun. And if they do that, they can impose a dictatorship upon us.”

“We have to stop acquiescing even to the wording that the liberals use...And so, it’s just like calling homosexuals ‘gays.’ Gay means happy! You know, it’s just to try to dilute it so that it becomes socially acceptable, and if you say anything against homosexual marriage or anything — ‘Oh, you’re not tolerant.’ So we’re supposed to prostitute our principles, on behalf of tolerance. Well, I’ll tell you what: there are absolutes. There are absolutes. Start being biblically correct, instead of politically correct.”

Rafael, Sr., a major cause of global warming

“This man [Obama] does not have the interests of our country. That’s not his agenda. His agenda is to bring us down to a third-world country. This president does not believe in American exceptionalism, and he has said so … If he has his way, he will make us another third-world country...Do you realize this is the only country in the world that was founded on the word of God?”

“The very first day that President Obama was inaugurated, his first act as a president was to rescind that ban on third-trimester abortions. And he’s even carried it further. Now, even if the baby is born alive, they have the right to kill that baby. It is an abomination.”

“Actually, those death panels that Sarah Palin talked about are a part of Obamacare.”

“So Barack Obama said, if the winds shift, I’ll side with the Muslims.”

And you thought Canadians were smart and nice.

Here’s what we said about Ted on October 26, 2013:

The Republican’t blocktivists will proudly stand in the way of anything that benefits the majority of Americans, particularly the poor, who if the Republican’ts get their way will soon make up the majority of Americans. Now that the Tea Party has had a chance to strut its stuff their approval rating is quickly whirling down the toilet. Just recently Tea Party Joker/King Texas "Ted" Cruz was unendorsed by the Houston Chronicle with great vigor, with more vigor in fact than their initial endorsement, which was given with great reservation. 

With a little help, Cruz could go a long way…and I wish he’d start now.

Standing in for I. Mangrey, I’m T. Doff.