Broken News

How Can We Forget You Ever Existed If You Won’t Go Away

October 9, 2021

Well, it was inevitable. That disgusting, orange half hominid/half weather balloon all jackass who used to be our very own disgraced, twice-impeached, president of Twitter is back in the news. But this time it’s for doing something very good.

Best-fitting suit he’s ever worn

Just kidding. That could never happen. At least not on purpose. The malodorous malefactor has once again been caught red-handed and orange-faced by new evidence of his brazen, boneheaded attempts to subvert democracy. Sure, everyone knows this by now, but the Senate Judiciary Committee just released its findings to the public in a nearly-400-page report. As a surprise to no one at all, the report described how Turmp directly asked the Justice Department nine times to “overturn the election” (his words, not mine) result.

On the other hand, Judiciary Committee Ratpublicans released their own report, all of five pages, “kissing Turmp’s ass” (my words, not theirs). The much shorter, more delusional, alternatively factual minority report blamed the media, and excused Turmp’s seditious behavior because he was unsuccessful at pulling off his Keystone Cop Coup.

Adding insult to insurrection, Turmp is now advising four of his hench-monkeys who have been subpoenaed by the January 6 Committee to ignore those lawful subpoenas. He is on record telling ex-chief-of-staff Mark Meadows, ex-White House troll Steve Bannon, and ex-chief of staff to one of Turmp’s acting secretaries of defense Kashyap Patel to stand back and stand by; one of Turmp’s ex-communications liars Dan Scavino, suddenly disappeared in light of being subpoenaed, and presumably knowing exactly how guilty of treason he and his boss are.

Not guilty by reason of stupidity is not how it works

L to R (Barr, Miller, Josh Hawley, Turmp, Kash Patel, Mark Meadows, Bannon, Dan Scavino)

Presidential executive privilege, as it turns out, is a perk reserved solely for sitting presidents. This does not include people who claim they are president, but it does include those whose overwhelming and completely lawful victories are claimed to be illegitimate by defeated sociopaths. Actual president Joe Biden has opted not to extend executive privilege to the guy who never conceded Biden’s victory and continues his slow-motion coup. Plus the fact that Turmp has been committing crimes against the government in plain sight since January 20, 2017…I bet you thought I was going to say January 6, 2021. No, January 6 was, as Mike Pence called it, just “that one day” in the life of crime of Donald J. Turmp. Though, Pence did admit that January 6 “was a tragic day in the history of our Capitol building”, but not, as far as Pence is concerned, so tragic for the people who died as a result of the tourorist attack, or for that little thing we call democracy.  

Predictably, Turmp is following his standard playbook - he is planning to sue actual president Joe Biden. Fortunately for America, Turmp has one the losingest track records in the history of lawsuits. 

For those keeping score, Turmp never allowed his taxes to be seen by the American public, despite repeatedly claiming he would release them as soon as the imaginary audit had been completed. Will Donald claim that his documents are also under imaginary audit. Only time will tell. 

Stand back and stayed tuned for more hilariously horrible hijinks from America’s least elected, most impeached, worst ever fake president as New York, Georgia and the United States Department of Justice continue to expose what everyone already knows – Donald Turmp is criminally insane and criminally criminal.

Write your own caption. Or just start chanting your positive aspirations.

This has been a Paying Attention Special Broken News report.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled handwringing.