We’re Delighted, He’s Indicted

Phase One, In Which Donald Gets His Oats

March 30, 2023

Disgraced, twice-impeached, failed insurrection leader and Fifth-Amendment-dependent ex-one-term-president Donald Trump continues to make history. This time he becomes the first ex-president to be indicted. Trump was indicted by a Manhattan grand jury on 30 as-yet-unspecified felony charges.

The real one of these is scheduled for next Tuesday

First was Trump’s historically disgusting campaign, followed by his historically horrific administration full of mentally challenged, anti-democratic, soon-to-be convicted felons. After aiding and abetting the deadly COVID-19 pandemic, and losing the 2020 election in historic fashion, Donald Trump incited an insurrection, a coup d’état, a historic assault on the U.S. Capitol that ended in several deaths and some thousand convictions on a variety of charges, including seditious conspiracy. Then came the history-making second of two, count ‘em, two impeachments. This makes Trump the most historic president in history.

Donald, for all his bravado and stupidity, must be needing to have his diaper changed much more frequently after this latest turn of events. He took to his failing Twitter knock-off to whine electronically:

That’s right. Trump has been INDICATED. And INDICTED.
Oh, and by the way, you’re being PROSECUTED, not PERSECUTED

Fun fact: Here's what the pathetic putz Trump posted on his site yesterday:

Oopsie! Methinks Trump is a witch (with apologies to real witches).

Some Excitement Over Indictment

Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg announced on Wednesday that the grand jury considering the indictment of Trump was poised to take a long-planned two-week hiatus. The very next day it was reported that the same grand jury was voting on the indictment and subsequently voted to indict. I guess it’s true what they say – a grand jury can indict a Ham Sandwich.

According to American justice, defendants are presumed innocent until proven guilty. Since every other convention has been breached by life-long criminal Donald Trump, this is no time to fall back on quaint traditions. I am not a lawyer, and in most cases neither are you, so we are not constrained by either convention or actual law. I have decided that this is the time to consider uh-alternative laws…to coin a phrase.

Artist’s rendition of Trump voluntarily surrendering to authorities for arraignment

Now, among other things, we must prepare ourselves for the “potential death and destruction” that defendant Trump “suggested” might result from any indictment of any or all of his “alleged” crimes.

I. Mangrey rejoicing (just a bit).

The jerks write themselves, friends.

It's The Guns, Stupid*

As Jesus Said, “Turn The Other Bullet”

March 29, 2023

Another day, another mass shooting in the United States of Guns. More school children gunned down by guns. When Jesus said, “Suffer the little children” I don’t think this is what he had in mind. Naturally, the pro-death GOP/NRA insists it’s too soon to talk about doing something about it. It’s always too soon, and always too late.

The lunatic fringe, that is to say the majority, of the Ratpublican Party - the ones who still cannot understand the more-than-two-century-old language in the Second Amendment, insist on maintaining the wholly unsustainable frequency of mass shootings. There are two reasons they are called mass shootings: 1) there are more than two fatalities, and 2) they are SHOOTINGS, which by definition are the result of GUNS. It's fairly simple really. It takes a moron to miss the message. And we've got plenty of them to go around.

Mouth-breathers on Fux News like Laura Ingraham somehow laid the blame for mass shootings on the “legalization of marijuana.” Now why didn't I think of that? Oh, because I have a functioning brain, that's why. These murderous morons will blame everything but the fucking guns. 

Ingraham and some other Fux schmuck

“They’re fine with going and doing a run on the guns and I guess you could argue that if you wanna do, try to get rid of the Second Amendment. But completely oblivious to what legalization of marijuana has done and is doing to an entire generation of Americans - with violent consequences.” Two things, 1) No one is talking about getting rid of the Second Amendment, though many people are saying that we should consider all the words in the amendment, not just the ones we like, and consider the order of the words, and the context in which the words were written (in no small measure to keep enslaved people in their place, but that's another story altogether), and the fact that the amendment says nothing about anyone owning guns, and 2) When it comes to oblivious, baby, you're the tops.

Or take up-and-coming idiot congressman (and former criminal)  Byron Donalds (R-FL) who worries that people get too emotional after a bunch of little kids and innocent adults are mowed down by military-style weapons. Donalds call himself pro-life. I call him a hypocritical shit stain.

Goons, loons and buffoons: in no particular order (and completely out of order)

Byron Donalds, Lauren Boebert, Matt Gaetz, “George Santos”

Here's a bunch of happy Ratpublican nitwits – Tennessee congressman Andy Ogles and family celebrating the birth of their Lord, and one assumes assault weapon enthusiast, Jesus H. Christ.  I wonder what this congressman will do if one of his little ones ends up a fatality in a mass shooting, or maybe ends up on the wrong end of baby sister mishandling one of daddy's weapons of mass death.

The Ogle family (are those two wives on the right?) begs the question:

Who would Jesus shoot and what would be his weapon of choice

But Wait, There’s More

Rep. Thomas Massie (R-KY) family, not to be out-gunned

The idiot Boebert family, ready to fight the war on Christmas?

Assemblywoman Michele Fiore (R-Las Vegas) and strapped family

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your pro-death Ratpublican Party. They will kill you without giving it a second, or any, thought. It is possible they will also eat your brains.

_________________________________________________________________
*It’s also the fucking Ratpublicans

I. Mangrey reporting. Aw, shoot.                                                                                       

                                                                                 

Question For The Day

March 27, 2023

Today's question is:

Which is the more tragic disaster?

An outbreak of tornados wreaked havoc in Mississippi leaving a swath of destruction, swallowing up cars, houses and lives.

Tornados leaving death and destruction in Mississippi

Or…

An outbreak of assholes descended on Waco, Texas destroying brains, moral consistencies and taking aim at the very future of democracy in America.

Typhoon Donald wrought devastation of a different sort with his whackos in Waco

Rather than leave you with such a bad taste in your eyes, we leave you with this positive affirmation image:

This has been your Paying Attention™ Question For The Day. 

Fun Fact For The Day

He Ain’t Got A Prayer

March 26, 2023

Apparently, Trump knows someone who can use the new artificial intelligence to help sell anti-intelligence Americans on continuing to support Donald Trump despite his lack of actual intelligence. The disgraced, twice-impeached, failed insurrection leader and Fifth-Amendment-dependent ex-one-term-president posted the image below on his failed fake Twitter app:

This is serious AI (as in As If)

You needn’t be a forensics expert to know this is a fake image of the ex-fake president. There are two dead give-aways:

1) Look at the size of those fake hands.

At no extra cost to you the loyal viewer, we have fixed

the fake hands to better reflect their actual size

2) there is no way this raging narcissist could or would be kneeling (what is he Colin Kaepernick?) in prayer. Everyone knows Trump believes God should be praying to him.

Just thought you might like to know.
Now wasn’t that fun?

This has been your Paying Attention™ Fun Fact For The Day.

Jailhouse Crock

All The Bigly Ex-President’s Men (i.e., Convicted Felons)

March 25, 2023

Yesterday a delegation of dipshits from the psycho/batshit-crazy/sedition wing (i.e., the House leadership) of the Ratpublican Party's House of Reprehensibles was permitted a supervised day trip away from their confinement. They went to enjoy a conjugal visit with their imprisoned (i.e., guilty-as-fuck) fellow insurrectionists (i.e., the ones not currently serving in Congress) who the elected miscreants insist are patriotic heroes, despite them having been found guilty of various sedition-related charges resulting from their attempted coup on January 6, 2021, and consequently imprisoned. EmptyG and company shamelessly provided aid and comfort to violent, convicted enemies of the State. We haven’t seen statesmanship of this caliber since Donald Trump himself lauded the “very fine people – on both sides,” one side of course being nazis and white supremacists, in Charlottesville several years ago.

EmptyG, seen here in the day room demanding to visit her imprisoned co-conspirators

These flaming assholes were accompanied by two Democratic chaperones, who risked life and lunch to spend the day all Trump’s MAGAts in order to document the latest atrocity. Otherwise, the only reports we would hear would be the fascism-addled rantings of EmptyG and her team of twisted twits.

Their lard and savior was busy resting comfortably at Mor-on Largo before his next assault on democracy. He became tired and confused after riling up his cultists and threatening the life of Manhattan DA Alvin Bragg.

Trump needed some rest after posting this photo on his failing Twitter knock-off:

What a brave and strong man-baby (and felon) Donald Trump is

Then Trump threatened (promised?) "potential death and destruction" if he should get indicted, even though he is considering how great it would be to be seen handcuffed and smiling as they frog-marched him out of Mor-on Largo.

Maybe something like this

Bragg is now receiving death threats and envelopes containing white powder.

God bless America.

I. Mangrey reporting.

Thought For The Day

When They’re Right, They’re Right

March 24, 2023

At first blush I reflexively thought Ron DuhSantis and his fellow haters were a bunch of fucking idiot assholes for raising this issue in the first place. And really, who could blame me. After all he is on the wrong side of every single issue he has been shrieking about since he first appeared on the scene. However, having given a great deal of thought to one of the hottest debates currently raging through our troubled society, I have to admit finally that I agree with the anti-drag movement. I always try to be open-minded, but sometimes I just have to take a stand when an issue clearly causes such danger and harm to humanity. I mean seriously, why the hell is this necessary and who even thought this would be a good idea in the first place? These drag shows are a complete waste of time and they are going to ruin the lives of or possibly kill, if not us, our children.

Filthy, dangerous, pathetic, deadly: it’s time to stop these drag shows.

We are clearly too stupid to live.

Wait. What? People dressing up as members of the opposite sex? Who gives a flying fuck about that? How the hell does that hurt anyone with an IQ that doesn’t start with a decimal point?

Never mind.

This has been your Paying Attention™ Thought For The Day.

Oopsie!

Broken News

Truth, Justice, And The End Of Civilization

March 21, 2023

Rudy Giuliani is claiming that indicting disgraced, twice-impeached, failed insurrection leader and Fifth-Amendment-dependent ex-one-term-president Donald Trump could mean the end of civilization.

Rudy, on Newsmax because Fux won’t have him on anymore:
“It’s the usual downfall of a great republic, when the prosecution system
is turned into a political device You can look at ancient history,
and you can see this is the kind of thing that ends civilization.”

While Rudy will claim that he is strictly looking out for the presidency, his fellow travelers in Congress are busy trying to manufacture crimes committed by Hunter Biden in order to trash the presidency of Joe Biden. Rep. Byron Donalds (R-FL), who at one point thought he could challenge Kevin McQarthy for Speaker and is chomping at the bit to impeach President Joe Biden (for reasons), admitted they have no evidence of anything worse than a few of Hunter’s dick pics. Donalds told Fux “News”, “Well, it's not so much about illegality, and that remains to be seen.” It’s not so much about illegality? Huh? This is the kind of thing Ratpublicans say when they know there is no evidence.

Gowdy With A Chance Of WTF

Yes, that’s his real name and his actual head

Trey Gowdy is a former prosecutor and a relentless and unrepentant Benghazi addict while in Congress. Voluntary pinhead Gowdy is trying to sell his Fux-addled audience on the idea that all Trump did was “pay for sex.” And steal classified documents. And try to extort 11,780 votes from Georgia’s secretary of state, and incite an insurrection. And all Bill Cosby did was mix a few drinks for his dates.

Meanwhile, top GQP dumbass Jim Jordan called Trump's apparent campaign finance infraction – paying off Stormy Daniels to keep her quiet on the eve of the 2016 election – "a bookkeeping error." You go gurl.

Indictment Incitement

For his part, one-man-clown-car Donald Trump tweeted in all caps a few days ago – for the sole purpose of inciting further violence in his name – that he was going to be arrested today, when everyone involved in this investigation knows that this grand jury does not conduct business on Tuesdays. Go figure.

Anyway, if indicting Trump could mean the end of civilization, that is a risk I am more than willing to take. I just wonder whether that will mean civilization ends even faster than it will via the destruction of our environment due to everything being suffocated by microplastics and/or the accelerating global climate crisis.

Many people are saying that the election of Trump as America’s 45^th president already signaled the end of civilization.

This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News report.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled happy thoughts. 

Broken News - There’s A First Time For Everything

Attorney Claims Trump "Expected" To Voluntarily Obey Law

March 18, 2023

On his failing Twitter knock-off Anti-Truth Social, Donald Trump told his seditious, reality-averse followers that he expects to be “arrested” this coming Tuesday. The Manhattan District Attorney declined to comment on Trump’s claim.

Trump's defense attorney Joseph Tacopina announced that Donald Trump will obey the law and self-surrender/voluntarily turn himself in to authorities if he is ultimately, finally, at long, long last, indicted.

Trump’s lawyer Mr. Tapioca told MSNBC yesterday evening that the disgraced, twice-impeached, failed insurrection leader and Fifth-Amendment-dependent ex-one-term-president will surrender to face criminal charges if indicted by the Manhattan grand jury investigating Trump’s $130,000 hush-money-payment to porn star Stormy Daniels.

So which is it? Is Trump planning on being arrested as he said in his all-caps, typo-ridden fake-Twitter post, or is he going to self-surrender in order to avoid being arrested as his lawyer stated?

Trump voluntarily surrenders to authorities at Mor-on Lago after being indicted

Federal, state and city agencies are preparing for potential violence if lifelong criminal Trump is indicted in New York City. It would not be surprising if Trump’s minions attempt to break him out of court.

Trump has already called for his cult members to “PROTEST, TAKE OUR NATION BACK!” Some may recall the last time Demented Don “suggested” that his violent, mentally defective, and usually armed followers take to the streets in his name. Does the phrase “Hang Mike Pence!” ring a bell?

This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News report.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled dreams of Trump’s indictment(s).

Broken News

Is Being An Asshole A Choice?

March 12, 2023

The Center for Reproductive Rights has filed a groundbreaking lawsuit on behalf of five brave Texass women who were denied abortion care after facing severe and dangerous pregnancy complications. Texass is not satisfied destroying public education across the United States. Texass legislators are apparently wanting to diversify their injurious influence to include eliminating the right of women across the nation to control their own bodies, and in some cases, to continue living.

As too many people to recall have said far too many times to count, if you are opposed to abortion, do not have one. No one is forcing you. And you cannot suddenly pretend to be pro-science for one issue and one issue alone after ignoring science at every other turn, especially when you are relying on alternative science for that one issue.

Assholier Than Thou

Also, Ratpublican Gov. Bill Lee of the anything-but-great state of Tennessee, whose Lt. governor was just found to have been ogling young naked men on social media (not that there’s anything wrong with that unless you are helping to pass anti-LGBTQ+ legislation in your poor excuse for a state), signed a bill into law Thursday afternoon that will restrict public drag show performances. This was passed alongside separate legislation that bans transgender minors in Tennessee from receiving gender-affirming care.

Again, if you are opposed to anyone being designated or simply being other than a strictly heterosexual male or female. Don’t be that. Otherwise, it’s none of your fucking business. If you are uncomfortable living in a country where people are free to dress up as did Milton Berle, Jack Lemmon, Tony Curtis, Dustin Hoffman, Robin Williams, Tom Hanks, John Travolta, Martin Lawrence, Al Pacino, Cpl. Max Klinger, Rudy Giuliani, “George Santos,” RuPaul or Gov. Bill Lee of Tennessee, see a shrink.

If you are uncomfortable living in a country where people are free to be who they say they are, and where a large and growing majority of its citizens believe there’s nothing wrong with that, may I suggest a one-way trip to friendlier environs, like Iran or Qatar or Uganda or your current soul-mate-country – Russia.

Not to be outdone, the fascist state of Florida is poised to eliminate women’s rights, LGBTQ+ rights, First Amendment rights. Six-week abortion ban, Don’t-Say-Gay law, book banning, and DuhSantis’ certifiably insane War on “Woke.”

Let me say unto those who feel the need to fuck with people’s private lives what I was told on many occasions in my younger days while demonstrating my displeasure at things like the Vietnam War, or un-elected Gerald Ford pardoning Nixon, or American interference in Central America or walking around with long hair:

“If you don’t like it here, leave.”

This has been your Paying Attention™ Thought For The Day.

What do you think?                                      

                                                                                       

Thought For The Day

Cloudy With A Chance Guarantee Of Alternative Facts

March 10, 2023

Façade Speaker of the House Kevin McQarthy, taking a page out of Donald Trump’s taking a page playbook, decided to hand over 40,000 hours of Capitol camera footage (that do not belong to him) from the January 6 assault on the Capitol to the single worst possible person in the United States – Fucker Carlson. We reported yesterday that in private Carlson hated Trump “passionately,” while in public he lauded his fellow loudmouthed liar with flowery praise and relentless lies of his own.

 Orwell That Ends Well

Thanks to McQarthy, Carlson cherry-picked exactly four minutes out of the 40,000 hours of footage to “prove” to his audience – who apparently have had their brains eaten by zombies – that the only people entering the Capitol on that day were “sightseers.” Apparently, Carlson’s interns went trudged through 40,000 – that’s four followed by four zeros – hours of video and were only able to come up with 4 – that’s four followed by no zeros – minutes – not hours – of what Carlson desperately tried to pawn off as proof that nothing whatsoever happened at the Capitol on January 6, 2021. 

McQarthy auditioning for the speakership he ultimately won after selling his soul 

When asked if he agreed with Carlson’s alternative version (the one Ratpublican senator Tom Tillis called “bullshit”) of the events of January 6, McQarthy replied, “Look, each person can come up with their own conclusion.” 

Oh I don’t know, maybe you could help each person come up with the same conclusion you originally came up with a few days after the assault on the Capitol and our democracy you fucking hypocritical asshat: 

“The president bears responsibility for Wednesday’s attack on Congress by mob rioters,” McQarthy said on the House floor. “He should have immediately denounced the mob when he saw what was unfolding. These facts require immediate action by President Trump.” 

Just days later McQarthy ran to Mor-on Largo to grovel and apologize to Trump before posing with his lord and slavior with a big shit-eating grin – which was entirely appropriate after eating all that shit. 

Does McQarthy remember saying this:

“These men and women in the uniform, they got overrun. One officer got killed…they got broken arms. You don’t understand what was transpiring at that moment and that time. People hanging. People brought ropes. When I got back into my building, I found the straps that they had. I don’t know if they come and try to kidnap somebody or whatever. But they, they were well planned for it.”

McQarthy showing that he can speak for himself

“What happened in this – what happened in this Capitol should never happen again. Anybody that participated needs to go to court, needs to go to jail. We, we have been clear about that from day one.”

Perhaps someone could help the halfwit Speaker recall this little ditty (when McQarthy called Fux News in desperation as the Capitol was being overrun by Trump’s seditionists: 

“First of all, this is so un-American. I condemn any of the violence that’s happening in the Capitol right now. Anyone involved in this, if you’re hearing me, hear me very loud and clear, this not the American way.”

No, but it is the Trump way, and the way of much of the Ratpublican Party, including Kevin McQarthy.

If McQarthy cannot remember anything he said, maybe he might recall the words of fellow Ratpublican Mitch McConnell one month after the failed coup:

“There's no question, none, that President Trump is practically and morally responsible for provoking the events of the day. The people who stormed this building believed they were acting on the wishes and instructions of their president, and having that belief was a foreseeable consequence of the growing crescendo of false statements, conspiracy theories and reckless hyperbole which the defeated president kept shouting into the largest megaphone on planet Earth.”

This has been your Paying Attention™ Thought For The Day.
What do you think?

Fun Fact For The Day

(Extremely) White Man Speak With Fucked Tongue

March 9, 2023

Pre-failed Speaker of the House Kevin McQarthy – who recently handed his balls, and in essence his gavel to Empty G – had to promise to give Fucker Carlson exclusive access to the entirety of the video evidence from the attempted coup on January 6, 2021 in order for McQarthy to obtain enough votes to become neutered Speaker, and in order for Carlson to present to his viewers the alternative facts of the insurrection.

Just for fun, here are two statements Carlson has made about disgraced, twice-impeached, failed insurrection leader and Fifth-Amendment-dependent ex-one-term-president Donald Trump:

On the air: “Reporters hate Trump with an all-consuming mania.”

In person, on stage: "I actually love Donald Trump as a guy. I just have always gotten along with him. Trump is like totally charming and engaging and fun and interesting."

In private: “I hate him passionately.”

Just thought you might like to know.
Now wasn’t that fun?

This has been your Paying Attention™ Fun Fact For The Day.

Broken News

Lights, Camera, Asshole

March 6, 2023

Ratpublican cocaine addict – no, not George WTF Bush – Don Trump, Jr. wiped his nose after getting coked up backstage and oozed on stage at this year’s CPAC fiasco. Days later, after Junior showed off his best coke-addled rants, Daddy Dumbest gave the event's keynote address – as expected, another sordid affair full of lies, whining and wholly unwarranted narcissism – to a fairly empty venue populated by almost completely empty heads. You know, morons.

While laying out his latest grift – telling his marks to switch from woke cell providers like Verizon, AT&T, etc., to Patriot Mobile (who rent their bandwidth from Verizon, AT&T, etc.) – Done, Jr. spewed this

Support businesses that support your values, put their kids through soccer camp and soccer practice, rather than funding, you know, what is it, ten-month abortions. You know, some of the insanity that we see on the other side.

Somebody get that man a teleprompter. Then teach him how to read. Then duct-tape his mouth shut. Or better yet, sutures. Even better, a nice rubber room. Or something with bars.

Snowflake Or Snow Blower?

Until then, carve out some time from your busy schedule to see the latest in entertainment from the good people at Paying Attention™. The directorial debut of none other than I. Mangrey, screenplay by Ed Venture, and a cast of one.

Attempting to ride the unlikely coattails of the hit movie Cocaine Bear – a 500-pound black bear consumes a significant amount of cocaine and embarks on a drug-fueled rampage (knock off 300-or-so pounds and you have a certain nepotistic knock-off) – we are proud (well, not so much proud as resigned) to bring you the next box office smash, and guaranteed Oscar nominee for Most Disturbing Film…

They call him Done, Jr.

Same genetic damage, a fraction of the extremely-acquired-taste “charisma” the intellectually-challenged see in his father.
the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree; the shit doesn’t fall far from the asshole.
he is the cocaine bore!
Every time he assaults social media he appears to be coked to the gills. If he’s not on the stuff, that would be even scarier. Either way, he’s one hot mess. Hide your daughters, your sons, your fruits and vegetables – he is the universal contaminant.
every time he talks an angel throws up in its mouth and gets herpes.
beware the cocaine bore!
Shut him up before everyone gets hurt.

You won’t want to miss this one. Probably.

This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News report.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled blissful ignorance.