Broken News

Laser Focused

January 9, 2025

This is seriously horrific. The fires in southern California are causing devastation on an unbelievable scale. Homes and lives ruined and lost. The global climate crisis does not care that creatures like Trump choose to ignore and ridicule the entire notion. We hope that at least no more innocent lives are lost in the current conflagration. We’ll deal with the next climate-crisis-driven tragedy when it happens…in a few days.

Now, on with the possibly-too-soon “funny” stuff.

Many people are saying that the massively destructive Pacific Palisades fire was started by Donald Trump’s space lasers – the same ones he plans to use to take over Canada, the Panama Canal, the Gulf of Mexico (which he said he will rename the Gulf of America – though everyone knows he will, by fiat name it the Gulf of Trump) and of course Greenland…

Naturally, the president-reject denied everything – and we mean everything:

My beautiful and very powerful space lasers, which I do not have, but if I did would be the most beautiful and most powerful – much stronger than the Jewish ones – had nothing to do with these tremendous fires in the terrible state of California, which I would have won if they counted all the votes. But these fires were caused by Joe Biden and Camaro Harris and their open border which allows Mexican fires easy access to our horrible country, which will be great again, again very soon. Also, the very dangerous trees just begging to burn and take us with them. I promise, during my first hour as president again, to eliminate all of the far-left, communist, fascist and darkly colored trees throughout this soon-to-be-great-again-again land. They’re fired! Get it? I have spoken.

Nothing to see here folks.

I’m going back to bed.

I. Mangrey. Where’s my ENDITOL?

This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News report.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled happy thoughts.