The Declaration of an Independent

Hurricane Sanders Makes Landfall 

July 3, 2015 

By Steve Gallop 

They said it couldn’t be done. And it couldn’t. So far. America, though considerably more liberal than our political profile or reputation around the world would betray, seems cripplingly unable to elect anyone even vaguely resembling what passes for Left Wing. Much of the media wants you to think that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton are Radical Lefties. Yeah, and Chris “Sit Down And Shut Up” Christie is Mr. Rogers. It’s possible he ate Mr. Rogers, but it clearly had no effect on his “personality.” 

And now, just a touch of gratuitous violence…

Never forget.

The Great Left Hope 

There have been few serious attempts from the Left to enter the presidential fray. Eugene McCarthy’s surprising and powerful peace-based challenge to incumbent Lyndon Johnson in 1968 led to Bobby Kennedy entering and Lyndon Johnson to withdrawing from the race. This of course all ended with Bobby Kennedy being assassinated and Richard M. Nixon ascending to the throne for a term and a half. 

Undisclosed, decorated war hero and next Vietnam-era peace candidate George McGovern gave it a shot next. McGovern was the polar opposite of current-day chicken-hawks like Dick “Five Deferments” Cheney, who avoided fighting in Vietnam with every fiber of his being, but never missed an opportunity to send others to die in his wars. McGovern in his day volunteered, flew 35 missions over German-occupied Europe, and ultimately opposed the Vietnam War in his bid to defeat Nixon. As it turned out Nixon trounced McGovern and then the United States itself. I suppose an argument could be made for Dennis Kucinich more recently, but he hardly had a chance and fought bravely, though briefly.

Washington Post headline from August 7, 1974

New Yid In Town 

Bernie Sanders seems different, and with any luck maybe the times are too. The Confederate flag is taking a well-deserved beating, Obamacare is enshrined into law more indelibly than ever, marriage equality is now the law of the land (clearly there’s not anything wrong with that), relations between the U.S. and Cuba are thawing, gerrymandering might be on its way out, BP has to pay $18.7 billion for the Deepwater Horizon oil spill of 2010 (the largest fine ever paid by any corporation), marijuana will soon be legal and upstart presidential candidate Bernie Sanders is looking like David with a brand new slingshot. And we can now boast of our first black president, right on the heels of our first special needs president.

How many Bushes does it take to screw up a nation?

Every other 2016 candidate either has or is desperately seeking super PACs, self-serving corporations and power-hungry billionaires to fund and own them. Bernie Sanders wants none of it. Nobody is raising more non-corporate money from more individual donors than Sanders. Nobody is drawing larger crowds across the country. Recently 10,000 - the largest crowd to see any candidate in 2015* - came out to see Bernie in Madison, Wisconsin. While Trump boasts being worth $9 billion and Clinton is worth a huge pile herself and J.E.B. is (though he would like you to forget this) a Bush, Sanders’ net worth is that of an actual normal person.

Sure he might be a little too Jewish and maybe just a tad or two too Socialist. But I’m telling you, this guy is also a shrewd politician. He knows how to handle questions from “journalists” without ever compromising his principals. He does not apologize for his socialism, instead choosing to explain that in fact many, if not most, Americans like their socialist programs very well thank you. Americans just don’t want to know that they are considerably more socialist than they imagine. The national media will not be able to ignore Bernie Sanders much longer. Keep your eye on this guy and punch your chads carefully. 

*Bernie did not pay people to show up as did Donald Trump, nor did he include people who were threatened with punishment for not showing up as did Ted “The Canadian Cuban” Cruz.

  

If you look at Sanders as just another never-gonna-be or a fluke that’s what he will be. Bernie Sanders is dead serious about this campaign…and we should be too.

Happy Fourth of Jewly!

God Hates Flags

Keep It Symbol Stupid

Land of the Free, Home of the Slave

June 26, 2015

Public displaying of swastikas is illegal in Germany. Some of you might remember that a few decades back there was a little dust-up involving the Germans, a preponderance of swastikas and a touch of genocide. The ultimate outcome and consequent blow-back that resulted caused most Germans to not only lose their taste for this once-proud symbol of a nation on the brink of world domination, but to insist as a nation that it no longer be seen in public. Apparently Germany determined that their behavior warranted some soul searching and atonement.

There are however some Germans who miss the good old days and work hard to keep the dream alive. Not to be denied their hatred, megalomania and monumental stupidity, these uber creeps found a loophole. Today’s Nazi lovers found another symbol of hate (racism in particular), violence (not to mention one of the world’s most devastating hissy-fits and ultimate defeats) and subjugation that has not been outlawed in Germany. As it turns out, this emblem is also quite popular in the good old U.S. of A. Possibly even more popular than the swastika. That would be what some call the Stars and Bars - the Confederate Battle Flag. I call it Old Gory.

Enough already!

Protected by the First Amendment, the swastika is not outlawed here in the U.S. and it still has many ardent fans in the Land of the Free. So perhaps those needing a new way to show their ignorance and hatred will look to the swastika as an acceptable substitute. After all, some who treasure this symbol of treason and slavery - or as they call it, their heritage - are quite upset and will not go down without a fight. It should be mentioned that the Stars and Bars only made a serious comeback almost a century after the war-to-keep-blacks-subjugated was over and the Civil Rights movement of the 1960s threatened what remained of the good old days. In any event, I imagine that there are many among those pining for the Confederacy who might have an aversion to relying on any sort of foreign influences to proclaim their patriotic hatred. These principled bigots will likely insist on a more home-grown symbol to declare who they are, as if anyone really wants to know.

I know of a perfect replacement. It’s readily available (nowhere more so than in our nation’s capital), instantly recognizable, already accepted by many as a sign of disrespect, and proven to be able to stand up to considerable criticism and calls for its demise. It might not have quite the punch that the Stars and Bars have maintained for a century and a half, and it does have the downside of ignoring the important humiliation of black Americans, but it is nonetheless filled with hate and contempt, so it just might do the trick. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the last remaining publicly sanctioned image of cluelessness and condescension...

Hate will find a way.

I. Mangrey reporting. Free of charge(s).

Bringing the pain since 2006.

Congratulations, It’s a Bush

Junior Eschews Bushiness

 

Miami, Florida

June 19, 2015 

J.E.B. finally, officially, inevitably (and less accidentally than the last few times) announced what everyone (especially his super PACs) already knew: It’s time for a third Bush in the White House. It took him a while to figure out how to properly package himself. His marketing team recognized the most virulent toxin threatening J.E.B.’s campaign for president. Superman has his Kryptonite. Napoleon had his Waterloo. Achilles had his heel. J.E.B. has the surname “Bush.” While Hillary Clinton is happy to ride the coattails of one of America’s most beloved ex-presidents – her philandering husband, Bill. J.E.B. on the other hand is inextricably hog-tied to his family name. Even worse than that, he shares an almost incalculable amount of genetic material with his not-nearly-so-beloved ex-president brother – famous pretzel wrestler and brush cutter George W. 

J.E.B. announces his presidential run.

Oh wait, my bad...that’s the Hindenburg. 

I am not running to reinstate the dynasty named for my father’s family name. I am not running in order to be the third president with the last name of my father to invade Iraq.

Why am I running? Now that’s a question well worth my consideration don’t you think? That is a question I have thought about for a very long time and I can tell you that I am on the verge of a very impressive answer.

Does anyone know if this guy has a last name?

In other news of people who’ve clearly spent too much time in the Sun... 

Donald Trump, serial bankruptee, noted hot air buffoonist and Guinness Book of Records entry for most creative use of one single hair, also threw the hat that might otherwise cover his empty head into the 2016 presidential ring. The Trumpster has been threatening to actually run for president for 25 years. This time he really, really means it. He held a big announcing event in one of his Towers. Word is not yet in as to how many people he paid to attend his coming out party to avoid facing the empty room he typically addresses. This time The Donald claims to have a fool-proof secret plan to neutralize and/or defeat ISIS, which he will only divulge after he is elected president. Now that’s what I call a real idiot patriot. During his announcement Trump said, “Our country needs a truly great leader, and we need a great leader now,” Trump said. “We also need a cheerleader.” Maybe Trump couldn’t see or hear anything through his hair between 2001 and 2008; we had a cheerleader in the White House – it was all over the news. You might recall that our Cheerleader in Chief didn’t really do such a great job. Trump rambled on for some 45 minutes, at some point he trumpeted, “Ladies and gentlemen (stops to look down at notes) I am officially running (stops to look down at notes again) for president of the United States...”

 

Trump: “Sadly, the American dream is dead.”

The same cannot be said for whatever

that is dancing around his head.

I will not bore or injure you with any more of The Donald’s oratory prowess, but please allow me to summarize: I am Donald Trump. I appear to be very wealthy at this moment, having not filed for bankruptcy for well over three weeks. I am arrogant and very rich. I have no actual concept about economics or foreign policy, but I do know how to insult just about everyone I talk about. I will defeat Iran, Iraq, Afghanistan, China, Japan, ISIS and Mexico. And I have the money to do it. I have found an excellent way to manipulate the media and the public into giving me and watching me make use of almost unlimited air time for the next few months, after which I will officially and inevitably drop out of the race. And also, “I’m really rich.” 

 

And apparently... 

Some guy named Bernie is in the race too. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) is running as a Democrat as opposed to the more conservative, corporate-backed Hillary Clinton who, thanks to the burgeoning popularity of Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders, is suddenly talking like a serious progressive. We’ll have to see where she goes with it. Sanders is an unabashed Socialist, populist and excitable old Jewish guy. But a real mensch. Obviously Bernie will not be seeing and money from the billionaires lining up to purchase most of the other candidates. And Bernie is not courting any of them, to put it mildly. Sanders’ campaign manager, noted that the campaign is experiencing growing pains saying, “We started this campaign a month ago,” he said. “This was not a situation where you had a campaign-in-waiting that was hiding inside a super PAC or a nonprofit or a think tank.” So that would be the exact opposite of old J.E.B. whose campaign began off-the-books with super PACs months before the-man-preferring-not-to-be-seen-as-a-Bush finally admitted he was running. GFY J.E.B. 

Bernie Sanders says what he means and

is able to use complete sentences.

 

I. Mangrey reporting.

I am not running for president.

 

 

Send In More Clowns

Republican’t Candidates Still Waiting To Jump Into The Kiddie Pool

Nowhere

June 5, 2015

There are so many Republican’ts already running or threatening to run for president in 2016, that it’s almost impossible to keep track. So far it’s all been fairly predictable - all white male politicians except for failed corporate exec Carly Fiorina and reality-challenged ex-neurosurgeon Ben Carson - both representing the longest of shots. The rapidly-approaching-infinite number of Republican’t candidates has forced the GOP to consider holding group debates, which they insist will be separate but equal. Despite this overwhelming infestation there are still a plenty of luminaries dim bulbs waiting to be screwed in and really light the place up. Here is my short list of long shot Republiclowns I think would make this race even more enjoyable.

                                                                              Credit: DonkeyHotey

Sure it’s a small car, but these are very small people

Ann Coulter – The Mouth that Whored. Ann is on a crusade against immigrants entering America. No, she is not Native American, just a shrill jerk who hates most people. Coulter, who weighs about 18 pounds soaking wet (and she is always all wet) recently said, “When I’m in charge of immigration (after our 10 year moratorium), I will not admit overweight girls.” This brilliant humanitarian statement was made soon after Ann bravely pretended she had a bad cold in order to avoid the hug offered by an undocumented immigrant/advocate who wanted to bury the hatchet “as a sign of my humanity and yours.” Obviously this poor fellow had never heard Coulter open her voice-hole before.

Campaign slogan: I hate YOU. Vote for ME.

Ted Nugent – The Motor City Madman. When Ted’s not busy threatening to shoot Hillary Clinton, he likes to shoot his mouth off threatening anyone who disagrees with his violent faux patriotism. Loyal to guns and ammo above all else, Ted pledges allegiance to the Second Amendment; to him the rest is just window dressing.

Campaign slogan: One Gun, One Vote.

Chuck Norris – Whacko, Texas Ranger. He will kick you in the head as soon as he gets his foot out of his mouth. Chuck thinks he’s as cool and righteous as the characters he portrayed in his younger days.

Campaign slogan: Don’t Trust the Government, Vote for Me.

Jim Bob Duggar – Father of 19 Kids and Counting. Soon-to-be-ex reality TV star, unstoppable sperm hose and family values paragon who hid his son’s sordid past (he molested five young girls, including four of his sisters, as a teen). I can’t wait to hear Jim Bob say, “I’m not just in this to kiss the babies, like my son.”

Campaign slogan: God Loves a Hypocrite Who Says He Loves God. That’s Me!

Rush Limballoon - The Badyear Blimp. His radio career almost at an end, he will need a new source of income to support his Viagra and Oxycontin habits. Just ask Newt Gingrich, running for president is a great way to pad the old bank account.

Campaign slogan: Burrrrrrrrrrp. 2016

Bob McDonnell - Gov Means Never Having to Say You're Guilty. Philadelphia native and former Virginia governor, McDonnell was a really early favorite for 2016. Early as in around 2013. After that, things got a little messy. I don’t know about you, but I’m not going to let a little thing like a conviction and two-year sentence for public corruption stop me from adding a guy with such great hair to this list. What did he really do wrong anyway? Take $165,000 in loans and extravagant gifts in exchange for using his position to help push his benefactor’s tobacco-based nutritional supplement? That’s right, a tobacco-based nutritional supplement. I feel healthier just thinking about it. Is using your power as an elected official going to bat for a rich guy who lets you borrow his Ferrari really such a bad thing? Who cares, you might say, Rick Perry (who also has great hair...and glasses) is under indictment in Texas for abusing the power of his office and he’s in the race; though it remains to be seen if he can remember why. Others might feel that there’s a difference between indictment and conviction. Picky, picky, picky. Those people are clearly not Republican’ts.

Campaign slogan: Surely They Can’t Keep Me In Jail If You Elect Me President

Sarah Palin - Ex Half-Term Quitter. Just why the hell not. It’s not like she has anything better to do. And come on, admit it, you miss that whiny voice and tortured English. Besides, even if she gets elected, she’ll only stay on the job for a year or two. How bad could it be?

Campaign slogan: PALIN 2017

You Know My Name, Look Up The Number

John Ellis “Jeb” Bush - The Other White Meat. Jeb thinks his brother, who allowed 9/11 to happen (though incessantly warned it was about to happen) while he was president before invading Iraq for no good reason thereby blowing up the entire region is a good advisor on foreign policy. Jeb, is still busy gaming the post Citizens United system, so he won’t be announcing his failed candidacy just yet, though he's been campaigning for months.

Campaign slogan: Bush 45: MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

Wait, There’s Moron

And of course we’re still waiting patiently for Koch Brothers’ lap dog Scott Walker’s brain to make its first appearance…anywhere. Here’s just the most recent taste of Gov. Walker’s brilliant repartee: When asked about pregnancies caused by rape and incest Walker said, “I mean, I think for most people who are concerned about that, it’s in the initial months where they’re most concerned about it.”

Walker working on his presidential look

I. Mangrey reporting. You decide.

Still Evolving

The History of Life on Earth

Where We Are Now

May 23, 2015

Many, if not most of you reading this are mammals as am I. A significant number of mammals (mostly outside the United States) acknowledge some level of confidence in Darwin’s theory of evolution. There’s much to be said for Darwin’s work, which Dan Bern - a mammal himself - described as a “pretty theory.”* Through extensive observation and field research Darwin conceived a scenario which ultimately explained how very simple organisms gradually changed over time eventually becoming much more complex creatures. I’m sure you are all familiar with this fascinating trajectory of life on Earth. So how exactly did we get from single-celled organism to complete bipedal, warm-blooded moron? Inquiring minds want to know. Well, probably not, but I feel compelled to explain it anyway.

First there was the light. We all know that. It was in all the papers. There is mounting evidence that something really big went BANG. Then there was stuff. Mostly hydrogen and helium I’m told. Eventually oxygen, nitrogen and carbon and stuff like that. Then the stuff began to become organized, whether via the Supreme Being of your choice or the self-organizing nature of the universe, or both. Who cares really? Either way it’s just incredible that it has come to this, that is, stuff like us. 

Once the stuff started to arrange itself into meaningful configurations, strange things started happening. Suddenly there were simple plant-like thingies, then more complex ones. Eventually, after a billion or so years, or one day, depending on the version you prefer, very simple creatures capable of self-generated movement began to emerge from the swamps and otherwise moist places on our little rock in the sky.

The Tree of Life

Bacteria, amoebas, algae, trilobites, dinosaurs, cave men, fire, gods, barbarians, science, Isaac Newton, Indians, cowboys, Freed Men, Nazis, Albert Einstein, atomic weapons/nuclear reactors, beatniks, mad men, Nixon, liberated women, oil spills, Chernobyl, climate change deniers – a sub-species of unassailable idiots…you know, Morons. It’s a pretty straight forward progression if you just do the math. Of course math reeks of science and science can’t prove the existence of god and so most lovers of god can’t prove or imagine the existence of science and The Stupid overpowers much of humankind.

Side note: Humans like to think that we are the ultimate lifeform on Earth. Think again. Bacteria were here long before us. They can survive in every type of environment. In fact, most other life forms are dependent on bacteria for their very survival. And that includes humans. We would not last a day without bacteria to digest our food. The truth is that we are only here because bacteria always wanted to drive around in fancy, fast cars. And don’t even get me started on Tardigrades…too late - tardigrades exist throughout the known universe. They can survive for decades without food or water, even out in space. That’s right out in space. Let’s see you try that.

The mighty microscopic Tardigrade

We had the Stone Age, the Bronze Age, the Iron Age, the Dark Ages, the Renaissance, the Industrial Revolution, the Nuclear Age, the Computer Age. Now crack open a cold one, it’s Moron Time.

Back in the day, before any of these Ages, a few monkeys stood erect, ate some strange mushrooms and began thinking thoughts the likes of which had never been thought before. Or something like that. There may have been other mitigating factors involved.* Over millions of years (or a few minutes, again, depending on the version you prefer) they became us and we developed pre-verbal language, the spoken word, the printed word, the electronic word and who knows what is coming next. 

Dan Bern: No Missing Link (contains a bad word)

Physical aspects of the world have surely evolved, if nothing else, in complexity and diversity. Psychological aspects of humankind have yet to actually prove themselves evolved. Clearly some of our species are very intelligent and dedicated to making us all smarter. We continue, as a species, to learn more and more about how stuff works, while at the same time increasing numbers of us insist on ignoring what is known in favor of what is believed. Therefore, as our numbers increase without rhyme, reason or any sign of slowing down, our collective intelligence is clearly on the decline. The fear and/or distain for science easily outpaces the quest for knowledge, and because of the sheer numbers, there is no way for The Science to overcome The Stupid. It is a battle for the soul, perhaps the very existence of humankind and The Science is losing. There is simply no way for information and knowledge to overcome blind faith and self-imposed ignorance. Or so it seems. Only time will tell. That is if you believe in time, which after all is born of science.

And that, my friends, is how we now find ourselves pining for the days of single-celled organisms, and on the precipice of the 2016 Republican’t presidential primary season in which even the brain surgeon among them opposes the current overwhelming science on climate change. Cruz, Paul, Rubio, Bush, Walker, Huckabee, Jindal, Perry, Graham, Christie, Carson, Fiorina, Trump, Santorum, a half-empty (or full) can of Cheez Whiz, and the people poised to vote for them. Morons as far as the eye can see. Or Hillary Clinton. Perhaps less of a moron, but with considerable issues of her own, causing many poised to vote for her to feel a bit moronic themselves. 

EVOLUTION ACCOMPLISHED.

I. Mangrey and Allison Wunderland reporting.

Do the math.

Bill O'Reilly: Fact Free For Over 40 Years

Stop It Bill, You’re Killing Me…No Seriously, I Mean It

Inside The “Mind” of Bill O’Reilly

April 17, 2015

Bill O’Reilly, who spends much of his time on air and in print telling people how they should behave, was recently stripped of custody of his two young children, one of whom told the court that she saw her father drag her mother down a staircase by her neck, apparently unaware that she was watching. O'Reilly, purveyor of hate, bullying, ignorance and endless fabrications, continues to spew bile and garbage on Fux News’ The O’Reilly Factor. As of late he has “authored” (he shares writing credit with a presumed actual writer on every book) numerous books containing even more fictitious nonsense. His titles include, "Killing Lincoln," "Killing Kennedy," “Killing Jesus” and "Killing Patton," and he is rumored to be working on yet another book. One can only hope it is entitled “Killing O’Reilly.” The O’Reilly Factor’s viewership has been steadily dwindling for years now, though it remains the most watched show of its kind on cable. His ratings recently took an uptick about which O’Reilly was quick and constant to boast. 

O’Reilly’s obsessed with the killing of people we wish had lived, with

the possible exception of Patton, who hated Jews and admired the Nazis

What the man not-yet-Senator Al Franken called Bill O’Liely failed to mention was that his ratings spike was due to curiosity of those typically content to ignore cable “news’s” biggest bully and most prodigious liar. The curiosity emerged after countless accusations of making stuff up after the departure of NBC’s Brian Williams, who recently found himself under scrutiny for what I will call, “pulling an O’Reilly.” Once a number of Williams’ embellishments on reality came to light, some thought it a good time to dig up some of O’Reilly’s more creative moments. Some of these were even more creative than his versions of history found in his “Killing” series. Anyway, O’Reilly’s viewing audience has more to worry about than sorting through the big guy’s Fact-or-Fiction repertoire. The average age of his audience is 72 years. Less than 15 percent of his audience fell within the key demographic of 25-54 years. Face it Bill, the only thing your audience likes less than you is dying. Time to start that next book big guy. The public is anxious to see your name and the word killing in the same sentence.

O’Reilly logs Lincoln-lies

I don’t know about his other books, but Killing Lincoln was initially rejected by the National Park Service, which manages Ford's Theatre, and made the decision not to allow the edition of the book containing a variety of errors to be sold at the Eastern National Bookstore located in the Museum at Ford’s Theatre National Historic Site.

One of the few people Jesus would revile

Killing Jesus was unsurprisingly panned as a work of fiction, not the historical tome O’Reilly claimed it to be. What a surprise. When your thoughts turn to whom to “Kill” next, please take a good long look in what I’m sure is your very large mirror, and then go grab a good sharp pencil. Martin Dugard will do the rest.

I. Mangrey. Makin’ stuff up so you don’t have to.

Admittedly, no match for O'Reilly.