An Open Letter to Republican'ts

The Party of Lincoln Reagan Putin

I am back from my brief escape from alt-reality. I see that I. Mangrey kept things moving quite well in my absence. Since he had no intention of leaving his keyboard I was able to borrow his shades to protect my bloodshot eyes. I am tanned, rested and “ready” for the shitshow that 2017 promises to be. It probably is not possible to be ready, but I’m here, I’m severe and I ain’t going anywhere. For now I have a little something to get off my chest: A few words to the not-so-loyal opposition as they prepare to make America hate again.

I’m back, I’m black (not really) and I’m on the attack

An Open Letter to Republican’ts

January 9, 2017

Please stop referring to yourselves as the party of Lincoln. You never were, and to the extent that you can even pretend you once were (you were not) you surely have not been, in any way whatsoever, for over half a century. That was when most Democrats emerged from the swamps of racism and white supremacy and most of you began your still ongoing war on integration, civil rights and voting rights. There are numerous other hateful pursuits to which you cling, but they are not pertinent to the present context. Perhaps some other time.

In a similar vein to your preposterous Lincoln fetish you must stop quoting and publicly fondling the memory of Ronald Reagan. You are no more the party of Reagan than you are the party of Lincoln. Just stop talking about him altogether. At least in Reagan’s case there was a time when he was your party. Those days are also long gone though I can understand why you still cling to his memory – or at least the parts of it you care to remember – however diluted and deluded it may be. Today’s Republican’ts have next to nothing in common with Reagan. He was once a Democrat. And worse than that, a union rep. And more worser than that, he was a union rep for the Screen Actors Guild. You know what that means – Hollywood…actors…liberals – and you hate actors and Hollywood, and unions and Democrats. And don’t even get you started on liberals. Reagan wanted to rid the world of all nuclear weapons, and your new lord and master Putin – well, not him but his representative in the US, Chrump – does not even know what nuclear weapons are though he thinks everybody should have some. Chrump does not understand why if we have them we don’t use them and he wants Rick Perry to be responsible for them.

Coming soon to the skies near you.

Your once beloved St. Ronnie raised taxes like nobody’s business, bloated the federal government and had amnesty for immigrants. One thing you probably still like about Reagan was the way he interfered with the freeing of the Iranian hostages before he was president in order to make Carter look bad and increase his chances of defeating him. Talk about obstruction. All you guys did was stop Obama from getting anything done while in office. You have also conveniently forgotten that Reagan negotiated with terrorists and bailed on the Marines in Lebanon, which was much worse than Benghazi (You conveniently managed to forget that one without batting an eye.)

Oh, And That Whole Iran-Contra Thingie

Then there was that unpleasant little Iran-Contra affair, where the Reagan administration was trading arms with Iran to funnel money to the brutal Contras in Nicaragua. That sordid mess helped Reagan achieve historic status as the president with the greatest number of convicted felons of any administration.

"By the end of his term, 138 Reagan administration officials had been convicted, had been indicted, or had been the subject of official investigations for official misconduct and/or criminal violations. In terms of number of officials involved, the record of his administration was the worst ever." from Sleep-Walking Through History: America in the Reagan Years, by Haynes Johnson, (1991, Doubleday)

Yet you still pretend to love him. You do not. You would not give someone like him the time of day in the new regime. And not just because you have Chrump now. You have been anti-Reagan since the Tea Party took control of what passes for your soul. At least he never hid any emails. Just his rapidly accelerating Alzheimer’s…and Nancy’s astrologer, who played a pivotal role in all planning and decision making.

Back in the USSA

Maybe you have been so busy desperately trying to dismantle the New Deal, civil rights, voting rights, the federal government and democracy in general, that you have forgotten that one of the things Reagan was most proud of – his part in defeating the Soviet Union and “ending” the Cold War. I won’t bother you with the nuances of how big a part St. Ronnie did or did not play in this. But I must ask a question to see if we are all on the same page planet: What country emerged as the most powerful entity after the collapse of the USSR? No, it was not California…or New York, it was  a little place called Russia. Funny thing – Russia, heir to the Soviet Union (including all their nukes) just happened to give your child candidate its shoulders to stand on.

Well before that however, many of you and your right wing media whores began yearning for a leader like Putin. You preferred a “commie” dictator to a duly elected (not that you really care about a thing like that) American (not that you ever admitted he was an American)president. This bizarre turn of the coat began, as I recall, around 2009. I’m sure it had nothing to do with America having a black president. Although one could not be faulted for thinking that since you do not really want black people to vote, you probably do not want them becoming president, so at least you get points for consistency. I know that not all Republican’ts are racists, but all racists are Republican’ts (or so-called independents, who would never vote for a Democrat).

Your and your party’s new figurehead Putin’s presidential candidate – whose top advisors and many cabinet picks – either have direct dealings with Putin or simply adore him from afar, ramped up the Putin envy at every turn. That includes the candidate himself who has waffled on every single issue except his adoration of Putin. I am not saying that Chrump loves Putin because he owes Putin untold amounts of money or because Putin is blackmailing him, but many people are saying this. “Now, I don't know. What do I know about it? All I know is what's on the Internet.” (actual March 13, 2016 Chrump quote that seemed appropriate for his occasion)

Now that the Republican’t party has sold its “soul” to Putin and his Manchurian Idiot Chrump, you have forfeited any relationship whatsoever to Reagan just as you long ago surrendered any connection to Lincoln thanks to your steadfast work during the Civil Rights Era. Go find someone else as the target of your necrophilia. You cannot claim to be the political progeny of Lincoln, Reagan or even Nixon, who you never seem to mention for some reason – and not, I am guessing, because he is now seen as too liberal. Neither can you claim to love America since you only love the America you see in your fevered minds or the Americans you deem worthy simply because they agree with you because they are so damn ignorant of the facts. You do not own America, the flag, or patriotism. You do own jingoism, lots of racism, a healthy dose of fascism and the House of Representatives thanks to your (brilliant, though I hate to admit it) gerrymandering. And you surely own Chrump and Putin. American intelligence agencies intercepted communications between senior Russian government officials celebrating Chrump’s victory over Clinton as a geopolitical win for Moscow. You are all Russians now.

Yours Truly (look it up),

Ed Venture
Editor, Paying Attention

More Foxes in More Hen Houses, Part 3

Hope you are having a great new year, but don’t get too comfortable. There is a major Chrump on the horizon. We now return you to your regularly scheduled mayhem…

Wait There’s More More

Chest-deep in the swamp
January 3, 2017

First a quick update on Secretary of State nominee Wrecks Tillerson: his most powerful advocate on Capitol Hill is none other than fellow oil company exec, killer of small defenseless animals, drunk shooter of his friend’s face, ex-Secretary of Defense under Bush the First and vice president “under” Bush the Second – Richard Bruce “Dick” Cheney. Even though Chrump trashed Cheney’s beloved Iraq v. Halliburton war and called Bush and Cheney liars throughout the campaign, it is all oil under the bridge, leaching into the water supply, killing untold numbers of birds, fish and people, now that Cheney can smell power again.

Next a quick update on incoming national security adviser Gen. Mike Flynn :  According to the New York Times Chrump’s bull-goose loony had a meeting at Chrump Tower a few weeks ago with the leader (who signed a so-called "cooperation agreement" with Russian President Vladimir Putin’s political party) of a far-right Austrian political party founded by ex-Nazis. Better get busy making those armbands folks. I wonder what color our shirts will be – my guess is orange; brown is so passé. I am making myself a lovely gold star to pin to my face. I think it will go nicely with my cold dead hands.

It’s probably just a euphemism.

Flynn responds to reporter’s question about his IQ score.

A Chrump transition official boycotted a meeting with Israel's Deputy Foreign Minister because she would not allow the attendance of a Swedish representative described as "a member of a party with neo-Nazi tendencies." So rather than shun a neo-Nazi, the Chrumpians decided to dis Israel. Well played Mr. Chrump; it is all becoming clearer and clearer. Not that it was ever blurry to me.

As Donald Trump prepares to abuse…I mean assume the presidency on January 20, a slew of hate crimes targeting Muslims, people of color, and immigrants (wonder how different this would be if Chrump’s daughter was not a Jewish convert) has been steadily increasing. Most of the incidents have been attributed to ardent supporters of the presIDent-elect. The museum dedicated to honoring the memory of the roughly 6 million Jews killed during the Holocaust felt compelled to issue a statement condemning the growing proliferation of white nationalist and neo-Nazi ideology, particularly in the wake of neo-Nazi leader Richard Spencer’s conference hosted at the Ronald Reagan federal building in Washington, DC shortly after Chrump’s “election”. Washington, DC’s Holocaust Memorial Museum is urging Americans to remember their history with a chilling reminder of how the Holocaust began. “The Holocaust did not begin with killing; it began with words. The Museum calls on all American citizens, our religious and civic leaders, and the leadership of all branches of the government to confront racist thinking and divisive hateful speech.”

Gen. James “Mad Dog” Mattis/Secretary of Defense – as a Marine major general, he gave the order in May 2004 to strike a "suspected foreign fighter safe house" in a small Iraqi village, but the target turned to be a wedding venue, with the bombs killing some 42 men, women and children. Some of his quotes:

“Be polite, be professional, but have a plan to kill everybody you meet.”
“You are part of the world’s most feared and trusted force. Engage your brain before you engage your weapon.”
"Actually it's quite fun to fight them, you know. It's a hell of a hoot. It's fun to shoot some people.”

Well at least one of them does not sound psychotic. Close enough for government work. Mattis is known as eccentric but is revered in military circles, and well read. Ironically, Mad Dog might be one of the less horrifying nominees. Only alt-time will tell.

Rick Perry/Department of Energy – idiot ex-governor of Texas (replacing fellow idiot George W. Bush once Bush was appointed president by the Supreme Court after losing the election to Al Gore), pushed for secession, wants to suck every last drop of oil, coal, whatever from every square inch of the planet, but will settle for what is beneath Amerikan soil (for now). Perry sits (or dances or drools) on the board of directors of Energy Transfer Partners, they of the Dakota Access Pipeline, which they intent to continue building. Perry received $6 million from the company for his presidential run. The only hope is that Perry will again forget that he wants to eliminate the Department of Energy as he did during his unrememberable performance in the 2012 “Oops” debate when he could only manage to remember two out of three things that were very important to him. Perry is replacing a Stanford-educated, nuclear physicist – it’s a no-brainer…literally.

Who will ever forget Perry’s immortal words on July 22, 2016, “Let no one be mistaken. Donald Trump’s candidacy is a cancer on conservatism and it must be clearly diagnosed, excised and discarded.” Oops.

John Kelly/Department of Homeland Security – retired Marine General, ran Gitmo, loves torture, believes immigration is an “existential threat” to Amerika, and wants an escalated war on drugs. I’m sure Kelly is thrilled about joining the ultimate military-industrial complex Dwight Eisenhower vigorously and eloquently (especially for a general) warned us about in his farewell address.

Monica Crowley/director of strategic communications for the National Security Council –  best quote: “Now, he was not born in Africa, but the father was from Kenya, the father was from Africa. And according to this genealogy — and again, because I haven’t done the research, I can’t verify this — but according to this guy Kenneth Lamb, Barack Obama is not black African, he is Arab African. And yet, this guy is campaigning as black and painting anybody who dares to criticize him as a racist. I mean, that is — it is the biggest con I think I’ve ever seen.” I assume she is some kind of moron, or blind, or both. I am fairly certain she is not blind.

Ryan Zinke/Department of the Interior – ex-Navy Seal commander, avid Chrump supporter, proud Montana public lands rapist, chosen because Don Jr. reportedly "hit it off" with Zinke, a fellow "avid outdoorsman" who supports preserving – and drilling on – public lands. I suppose he wants to preserve them for the oil companies. According to the executive director of the Center for Biological Diversity, “Ryan Zinke has a dismal 3 percent lifetime environmental voting record. His brief political career has been substantially devoted to attacking endangered species and the Endangered Species Act. He led efforts to strip federal protections for endangered wolves, lynx and sage grouse, voted to exempt massive agribusiness and water developers from Endangered Species Act limitations, and opposed efforts to crack down on the international black market ivory trade." Just be glad you do not have tusks.

David Friedman/Ambassador to Israel – long-time Chrump friend and bankruptcy lawyer with absolutely zero diplomatic experience, conspiracy theorist, holds views to the right of Netanyahu, claims Obama engages in “blatant anti-Semitism”, compared J Street – pro-Israel, pro-peace DC lobby – to Nazi collaborators. According to Israel’s Haaretz, “For some of his articles and statements, Friedman could get arrested by the Israeli police on suspicion of incitement.”

Rep. Mick Mulvaney (R-SC)/Office of Management and Budget – spoke in July to the John Birch Society, has called Social Security “a Ponzi scheme” and said in 2011, “We have to end Medicare as we know it.”

Have a nice day.

I. Mangrey reporting. Protect your precious bodily fluids.
                                                                                                    Mad in USA

Bringing You the Future Before It’s Too Late, Part III

Final Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle

Up the river with half a paddle
December 30, 2016

Where Did We Go From Here

I don't know about you, hell I barely know about me at this point, but for me personally 2016 could have been your basic whatever year. I worked, I lounged, I am en route to my first vacation in over a decade. I can live with all that. But it somehow all of that was not good enough. Unfortunately I seem compelled to pay attention and to feel myself part of something more than myself. For example, I have grown quite fond of the Earth, which is on the verge of being attacked more bigly than usual by an idiot bastard son-of-a-bitch who cannot see anything that is not in the mirror he so often faces. Also I cannot easily ignore the plight of those less fortunate, who similarly are under impending assault, and I have a strange aversion to fascists, racists and pathological liars getting crushed in the popular vote and winning the presidency on a technicality. I was honestly hoping to lighten up, take a few deep breaths, get ready to scrutinize another President Clinton, and never having to see or hear Don Fucking Chrump ever again. The best laid plans of me and men I suppose. So all in all, I would have to say and I will in fact say, that 2016 – a year that will live in infamy – can go fuck itself. It will not be missed. So before the future grabs us all by the pussy...or by the whatever, Paying Attention brings you the final installment in its ironically hopeful divining of the year to come. May you find some degree of peace, health, courage and most important - outrage to help deal with the impending Chrumpnado.

Aloha.

Ed Venture
Editor-in-chief-in-Hawaii
 

April 1, 2017

The king on his throne

Chrump, locked in a West Wing bathroom since the stroke of midnight, vows to tweet non-stop for 24 hours. His opening salvo, “Donald J. Chrump King of Twitter do hereby tweet Hillary Clinton is a loser. I am a winner.” Many people are saying that he tweets so much because it is easier for him because his tiny hands are a better match for the little keyboard.

His final tweet of the marathon was “I will hold my first press conference tomorrow, April 2^nd.” He did not, claiming it was an April Fool’s joke. 

                                                                        June 30, 2017

Chrump holds his first press conference since taking office. Few wondered why it took so long. By the end no one wondered why it took so long. This might have something to do with the fact that rather than answer questions directly, Chrump tweeted his responses to reporters’ questions. The guy living in the White House was abusive and had the room stocked with supporters who cheered their man’s derision of the press frequently hollering, “Lock them up.” The first question was, “Why haven’t you held a press conference all these months?” Chrump tweeted, “Typical dishonest media gotcha question. Will not answer. Deserve apology from nasty press monkeys. Next question.” It went downhill very quickly from there.


 

                 July 4, 2017

Chrump outlaws the Constitution. “Hey it made slavery legal. There was no slavery until the Democrats who wrote the Constitution said the blacks were 3/5 of a person. SAD. It’s old. it’s older than Crooked Hillary Clinton. Remember when I beat her in the election? I ran the best campaign. That’ll teach them not to give me the Emmy. I deserved it. I had the best show. They even got the first word of the whole thing wrong. It was supposed to say ‘Me’ the People. This I can tell you. I know a lot of things. Also they waited until the second to make the most important amendment. Two Amendment, right? Two Amendment, that’s the whole ballgame. I have the best people working on a new improved 21^st Century Chrump Constitution. It will be beautiful and much easier to read. As soon as they finish it I will tweet it to all my many amazing followers.”

Thanks Obama.

August 8, 2017

Водыgate (воды/vody – Russian for water) The Vodygate investigation into Chrumputin’s involvement in the hand-over of Amerika to Russia begins in earnest after Senate majority leader Mitch McConnell is caught providing an orally oriented oratory-free once over to the Russian ambassador on C-SPAN. McConnell still attempted to deny the incident, insisting, “The Senate was in recess and the chamber was empty, the senate chamber that is, so there’s no way C-SPAN should have been broadcasting. Besides, I was just helping the ambassador with his broken zipper and my hands were full.” New Senate leader Bernie Sanders told reporters, “We are going to find out what Chrump knew, when he knew it, and when he knew that he knew it.”

 

Meanwhile, Chrump has made his plans for the make-over of the White House:

 

Look familiar?

September 24, 2017

I. Mangrey, concerned citizen and patriotic blogger “testifies” before Congress. He was not subpoenaed. His input was not sought in any way. Mr. Mangrey just showed up, astutely timing his appearance with one of the few working days agreed to by the once-august body. Donning the customary attire in a vain attempt to blend in, Mr. Mangrey unsurprisingly was unable to maintain the faux air of dignity and ennui typical of the legislators he hope to sway. Even sporting his only tie, borrowed suit and best eyebrows, it was not long before his valiant attempts at civility devolved into language that would have reddened Cheney, punishing volume and hysterical laughter.

I. Just Wanna Testify

 

It was not much longer before he was frog-marched out of the building and experts are still scratching their heads over the fact that he was not remanded over to authorities.

Some are saying that the marshals were too busy high-fiving
Mangrey and lining up for autographs and selfies.

And photobombing…

I. doesn’t get out much

November 8, 2017

Marking the first anniversary of the election of Donald the Menace he visits the United Nations to finalize the Axis of Ego:

                          December 13, 2016

Saddam Hussein (who Chrump esteemed) had humbler digs

 

Chrump refuses to leave his apartment in Manhattan. “I’m sick of hanging around the White House. I’m having gold withdrawal. And people won’t leave me alone. Somebody blew this up, someone hijacked whatever. Some losers are protesting because I finally put a stop to that pathetic Amendment One. Off with their heads. Daily security briefings. Really? Every day? I don’t have time for all this crap; it’s cutting into my tweeting time big league. Not to mention hair prep. I’m trying to make Amerika great again. Leave me the fuck alone already. I have already sacrificed so much. Just bomb the shit out whoever it is already. Next week we’re moving the Pentagon into St. Peter and Paul’s cathedral it’s much more convenient for me.

December 29, 2016

Chrump is thwarted at the last moment as he readies to press The Button. Alec Baldwin once again portrayed now-presIDent Chrump in an unflattering way. To be fair there really is no way to portray him in a flattering way. Chrump first tweeted his displeasure before deciding to follow through on his threat.

Sources report that his first attempt failed because his little fingers were not strong enough to press the button sufficiently. It was when he returned with a hammer that Chrump’s mommy Kellyanne Conway noticed what he was about to do and persuaded him to stop by holding up a mirror and distracting him for ten minutes while Secret Service was summoned and had Chrump sedated for a few days.

Hope For The Best

 We live in Strangelove times...

We'll meet again

 

From everyone here at Paying Attention:
Ed Venture, T. Doff, I. Mangrey and Shay King

Bringing You the Future Before It’s Too Late, Part II

Further Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle

Here, there and Everywhere
December 28, 2016

Where Did We Go From Here

Hopefully, you are either sufficiently lubricated, otherwise altered or completely fried, or you have already started your Rent-A-Coma program. In any event, welcome to Part II of our thee-part series on the way it will be in 2017. We begin with inauguration day and the official onset of Global Worsening. 

January 20, 2017

John Roberts and The Oaf of Office

Donald J. Chrump is inaugurated amid much excrement excitement. Despite much whining, stomping of feet and middle-of-the-night tweeting, Chrump was not permitted to swear to preserve, protect and defend the Art of The Deal or to place his itty bitty hand on said ghost-written volume, and was forced to place his hand on a Bible and swear an oath to the Constitution. According to reliable sources Chrump has read exactly none of these works. Chrump has been heard saying, “If the Constitution was such a great book how come it was never made into a movie?” Two million Amerikans were on hand for the swearing in. As has become commonplace at Chrump events, thousands were paid by the Chrump/Amerika Organization to act happy, but the vast majority paid their own way and were seen protesting and vomiting in the streets, as they watched the 45^th president being formally hired. Forced to appear outdoors…in Washington, DC…in January…without a hat, Chrump’s “hair” attempted to suffocate Chief (in)Justice John Roberts. It is not clear whether the attempt on Roberts’ life was intentional. The “hair” could not be reached for comment. It also appeared that Chrump did not know which one was his right hand. In a tweet moments before taking the oath of office Chrump said he was now doubly unshackled and would be “letting his hair down big league,” adding, “nobody knows unshackled like Donald Chrump. I will make America almost as great as me.”

What’s that book you got there? Be a shame if something happened to it. 

January 21, 2017

Less than one day after his boss swore to pervert, preempt, and defile the Constitution, Sarah Palin fanboy and Chrump’s Field Marshall Stephen Bannon begins to implement his Sherman’s March over our nation’s founding document, saying he finds it quaint and outdated adding, “So many people imagine they understand the original intent of our founders. Most of them are so wrong. I know this because I am one of the few who actually does know what they meant. Every single word. Since there is so much confusion out there I have decided to replace the old document with something newer and stronger. And more concise with language that cannot be misinterpreted. Plus the added benefit of having me right here to explain everything clearly right from the start. You’re welcome.” The delusional bigot toys with officially restricting minority voting, lowering the minimum wage, reinstating prohibition, instituting the marriage of church and state, and replacing the pledge of allegiance with an as-yet-undisclosed Bible verse. “We’ll show those secular losers what they can do with their hatred of ‘under God’ in the pledge, which our founders put there for a good reason in 1954.”

It is reported that Bannon took his first shower in a decade in preparation
for inauguration day. He refused to answer questions of any kind.

January 22, 2017

I am happy to say to all of you who did not vote for me – and I have all your names thanks to my Russian friends – that it is payback time and you will all be sorry…even sorrier than you probably are right now. Unfortunately, just like that guy who made the Great Flood – that’s from a book called The Bible, some of you may have heard of it. Pretty good book. I had someone read the Cliff Notes and then tell me about it. Great story. The Bible is the second best book of all time after The Art of The Deal, I know I said the Bible was the best while I was running, but…I think you know what I mean. Anyway there’s a story in the Bible where there was a yuuuge flood and everyone had to die whether they deserved it or not.  

            February 2, 2017

Pennsylvania legend and powerful prognosticator in his own right, Punxsutawney Phil emerges from his winter nap in somewhere in the depths of Chrump’s “hair”, sees his shadow and runs back into the tangled mass of cordage, signaling another nine months of executive branch insanity. The American public immediately decides the smaller rodent should be the 46^th president.

March 13, 2017

The new series QVC/White House, hosted by Ivanka, Eric and Don, Jr. debuts on Chrump TV. Featured items on episode #1 include Chrump Hair Cement, Patented Chrump Skin-tone, Chrump’s Best Words DVD/CD/Book Set. The teaser for episode #2 include the Coolidge China, Nixon Silverware, and a Grab-bag of State Secrets. This promises to be a top-rated show, whether anyone watches it or not.
                                                                                          New improved Oval Office

March 21, 2017

In another effort to enhance his personal investments, in clear breach of the Constitution, Chrump fights to shove the giant flimsy oil catheter known as the Dakota Access Pipeline right through the heart of the Standing Rock Sioux reservation. The National Guard continues to refuse to maim and murder protesting Native Americans and military veterans for a few more hours of Earth-killing fossil fuel combustion. After several days of mad tweeting Chrump brings in Russian troops to put an end to the protests. “I have tried to be nice. No one is nicer than me. I have tweeted about this problem for many days. Many days. Hillary Clinton lost in a landslide so it is obvious that people are tired of all this protect the planet nonsense. And it is nonsense people. That I can tell you. You people have forced me to find a final solution and so I, Donald J. Chrump, am bringing in my Russian friends to fix the problem. They don’t give a damn about Native Americans or the very stupid and dishonest environment. And Russia did such a tremendous job in getting me elected that I have great faith in them. Putin has made Russia great again and they will settle this thing once and for all. You’re welcome.”

Go and have a nap or a concussion, maybe some Prozac, we are only up to March so there is a good chance Part III is coming soon and you will not want to miss what's left of the future.

Ed Venture, T. Doff, I. Mangrey and Shay King continue bringing you the future before it’s too late.

Bringing You the Future Before It’s Too Late

Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle

Everybody knows this is Nowhere
December 27, 2016

Where Did We Go From Here

The gang here at Paying Attention has been trying our hand at divining the year to come. In reality – as if that’s still a thing – nobody can predict the future…as if that’s still a thing. Nonetheless, we will put our already dubious reputation on the line to tell it like it will be. Our record so far has been as good as anyone’s and considerably better than Nate Silver’s, since our first foray into Predictions, Prophecies, Prognostications, Projections and Piffle back in 2013.

I. Carnac, telling it like it will be.

In this case it is the Year of Our Chrump 2020…I mean 2017 (this is what happens when you use Rent-A-Coma). Many people are saying that this will have been one of the worst years ever. And that is after living through 2016, which even more people are saying was the worst year ever. In the same way that thanks to global warming each successive year is the hottest year on record, 2016 will be known as the onset of Global Worsening – if we are lucky. We at Paying Attention are hoping that 2017 will not in fact be the Last Year, but are not holding our breath as our incoming presIDent just tweeted:

The good news is that he probably does not know what any of those words mean. Unfortunately everyone else does. So as the reins of power are transferred from one man to…something else, many people are wondering what will become of the future as it fights tirelessly to become the present and ultimately the past. 

January 1, 2017

presIDent-elect D&*$#d Chr#mp, the man who said “It would have been easier for me to settle, it would have been less complicated for me to settle, but I’ll easily win this case when it comes to court, I look forward to it. Once you settle, everybody sues you. I don’t get sued very often, because I’m not a settler.” Chrump said this even though he has settled countless cases over the years, and settles a 6,000-litigant class action lawsuit for running a sham university named after himself (like every other damn thing he sells), to the tune of $25M just weeks before being sworn at, I mean in. Chrump will describe this as “a small fraction of the potential [$40M] award because as President I have to focus on our country." Everyone will then wonder why he settled all those other cases when he had nothing to focus on. Oh wait, all of that already happened…in the United States…of Amerika. Never mind.

CHRUMP U BUDDY! I never settle…sometimes.

 

January 3, 2017 

Barack Obama finally makes good on the promise the NRA said he made, and issues an executive order banning all firearms. “Today, in return for all the hysterics, gloating over mass shootings, and general destruction of the moral fiber of the United States, I am issuing Executive Order #13769. Now this is going to be a very important change given who you all have sort of selected to replace me. I know you are going to really like this one. Let me give you a hint: A well-regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed so long as they are registered, trained and loyal members of a well-regulated militia. You NRA motherfuckers have been up my ass since you first saw my black face, yelling and screaming and frightening the children about the America-hating, Kenyan/Muslim president who was going to take everyone’s guns away. All. Of. Them. Well guess what? I decided to finally take you up on your offer. It took a while, but here we are. If the NRA had just left me the fuck alone I probably wouldn’t even be doing this. Although all of the mass shootings over the past eight years might have done the trick eventually. And then on top of that, a huge bunch of you assholes voted to replace me with a clueless, ferret-topped jar of Cheez-Wiz to undo everything I did to rescue you from the disaster that was George W. Bush. So fuck you. You idiots are so racist you dumped Hillary because I’m black? Eat shit and die. Agents will be showing up at your house, compound, shack or underground bunker to collect all
y’all’s firearms. You could have been reasonable and just given up assault weapons and hundred-round ammo clips and maybe not downplayed the weekly mass shootings, and at least pretended not to be such racist bastards, but nooooooo. You dickheads had to stand your damn ground. Sure, the next guy can rescind – go look it up – my order in a few weeks, but good luck finding any guns anywhere – I sold them all to ISIS. They’re all mine now suckers.”  
 

                                                   January 14, 2017

In advance of his inauguration the Chrump Organization’s newest money-making venture, “PRESIDENT CHRUMP”^TM announces a terrific Grave New World production. There’s a new bloc on the block: Get ready for the Axis of Ego. Taking his rightful place among the greatest narcissists and petty tyrants of our time, the Chrumpinator proclaimed the end of Amerika’s involvement in the United Nations and NATO in favor of a new alliance of nations to oversee global security and generally oversee. Only the most qualified murdering bastards will be accepted into the new world leadership. Say good-bye to independent media, voting, civil rights and any building not bearing the Chrump name.

One of these things is just like the others

Go and get a stiff drink and gird your loins for Part II coming soon

Ed Venture, T. Doff, I. Mangrey and Shay King bringing you the future before it’s too late.

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Feeling Better Yet?

Me Neither.

WTFAI
December 22, 2016

I thought this would become unnecessary or at least I would get tired of it. I was wrong on both counts…

 

Forget the Village Idiot, Amerika is an Idiot Village. Where the biggest idiot is king-elect. Fifty percent of us think Chrump is doing a fine job with the transition from reality to alt-reality while 41% disapprove of his efforts. The same poll showed that 55% were concerned about the Russians’ interference in the election. This seriously sucks, with a capital 'F'.
 

Nobody could have anticipated that Americans would manage to elect so unqualified a person to the highest office in the land.


Oops, some one seems to anticipated perfectly



Although to be fair, Chrump was not elected by anywhere near a majority of voters, let alone a majority of Americans on November 9^th. Although to be fairer, Amerika probably deserves everything we get since the most absurd, least serious, least liked presidential candidate of all time and most racially divisive in generations did manage to amass 45% of the popular vote - almost 3% fewer than his main opponent, who though immensely unlikable, was the most qualified, experienced candidate ever to seek the office.

We will soon come to realize that Chrump’s incestual longings, mysogeny and serial assaults on women were his most endearing qualities.

I. Mangrey reporting. May the Farce be with you.
                                                                                                    Mad in USA