Many people are saying that a sitting president cannot be
indicted because indictment leads to trial, and taking a president to court
(for, say, lying about having an affair or some other grave national security
issue) would take up too much of his (or her, some day after all of us are dead) time, time that needs to be spent on
carrying out the critical duties of the Executive.That argument, like so many others in the
Chrump Era, simply does not pertain.None of the old rules can be summarily called upon in our current
situation, especially since so many previous norms have been jettisoned to make
room for the Toxic Orange Gas Cloud we call prezident.What is more, un-prezident Chrump spends less
than 10 percent of his so-called work week doing actual work. Not to mention, 90 percent of what he actually does is corroding everything we are and everything on which our nation was founded. Therefore, diverting his disease-ridden-gnat-like attention
span away from watching television, staring at his own reflection in the
mirror, tweeting and stuffing his face with fast food, would not seem to cause
any logistical problems.And considering
the job Chrump is doing on America, tying him up in court would probably be a
godsend to our national health.
May it please the court. Please?!?!
This has been your Paying Attention Thought For The Day.
Chrump does not need an overpriced wall to keep people out
of the U.S.He should just project a
giant projection of his head facing Mexico.Like a reverse Bat Signal – a Brat Signal, if you will.
Come on in. I dare you. Some of
you, I assume, are good people.
This has been your Paying Attention Thought For The Day.
As mentioned previously, I. Mangrey and several other staff
are off the grid, sequestered in a secret, undisclosed bar-and/or-grill,
indignantly searching for clues of what is to come, in order to bring you the
future before it gets here and it’s too late.For now, sit back and relax while we dredge up reintroduce some
posts from the past, that are hopefully still enjoyable in the present, and
with any luck, ancient history in the near future.As we look forward to 2019, the final year of
the Chrump un-prezidency, may your year-end holidays be filled with whatever it
is you would like them to be filled.
Ed Venture
(Barely) Managing Editor, Paying Attention
So, if you have nothing better to do, we bring you the first
of our encore presentations…
Being There Now
Nowhere in particular
April 20, 2017
The main character in Jerzy Kosisnky’s1970 novel Being There
was named Chance. Chance was a gardener. He grew up and then remained in the
household of a wealthy man, never exposed to the outside world with the
exception of the substantial amount of time he spent watching television. Chance
was evicted after his benefactor died. All he knew of life came from watching TV.
Sound familiar?
Peter Sellers masterfully portrayed Chance in the 1979
movie. Everyone who meets him, including the president, interprets Chance’s
gardening-based utterances as profound philosophical life lessons. The movie
ends with high-level movers and shakers deciding that Chance is the only man
they could back as the next president, convinced that his lack of personal
history, his down-home “wisdom” and lack of political experience would be tremendous
assets for getting him into the White House. Sound familiar?
The main difference of course between Chance and the person
we are all thinking of, is that Chance was a pure innocent. There was no
pretense to him. He was what he claimed to be – a gardener. He did not know how
to read. When asked what he read, he would answer honestly as always, “I like
to watch TV.” People read into that what they chose to. Chance understood nothing
of the world he lived in. And Chance had absolutely no interest in being
famous, unlike his real-life doppelganger, who wants attention, fame and
adoration above all else…with the possible exception of the ability to maintain
a candy-corn-colored hair-like substance atop his empty cranium.
Being Chrump
Chance’s evil twin – No-Chance – demonstrates a complete
absence of innocence. He is 100% artifice. From his fake wealth, to his fake
words, to his fake hair and hue. Like Chance though, he knows only what he
gathers from television. He has no idea how any of it applies to real life. He
has no interest in real life. He has never had to. He never had a real job, grew
up in the house of a wealthy man – except while sequestered at a military
academy, due to his utter lack of ability to have non-sociopathic interactions
with other humans. He was a bad seed, now grown into a diseased plant, sowing its
seeds to the four winds with wreck-ful abandon.
In response to a question from a German reporter about his
statement that Obama hired British intelligence to tapp (sic) his wires, Chrump
lied, “We said nothing. All we did was quote a certain very talented legal
mind, who was the one responsible for saying that on television. I didn’t make
an opinion on it.” Very presidential. First, you cannot quote someone without
saying something. Second, Sean Spitball repeated the unfounded BS (I believe
that is an opinion, particularly since it was untrue.), and third, the very
talented legal mind at (SURPRISE!) Fux News was making shit up. A colleague at
Fux News had to disavow the very talented legal mind, who was temporarily taken
off the air and put into a witless protection program. He has since returned to
his job, refusing to admit he was either lying or stupid.
It really is time that everyone ridicule everything this
so-called alt-president says. Every. Single. Word.
Anyway, the picture below was meant to be worth a thousand
words. Apparently, it was only worth about 480.
I. Mangrey reporting. Don’t make me come over there.
During his recent meeting with Pelosi and Schumer, un-prezident
Donald J. Tantrum stamped his little feet and wrung his tiny hands, threatening
to shut down the government unless he gets his precious, imaginary, inarguably
absurd Mexican border wall. At the tenth
hour, he caved – as usual – and was ready to walk away from his demand so he
could get out of that “dump” the White House and get back to his beloved Mor-on
Lago.
At the eleventh hour, after pressure from some of the best
minds the Far-fetched Right has to offer – Rush Limbaugh, Ann Coulter, and one
assumes Sean Hannity – America’s Child-in-chief caved on his previous caving,
and renewed his bluster on shutting down the government because…well, just
because.The man with the cotton candy
hair threatened that he would proudly shut down the government if he did not
get his way – his way being $5B for his big, beautiful wall – and it now seems
that on Christmas Eve, the government will be in shut-down mode.It remains abundantly clear that Mexico will
(force American tax payers, and/or the right wing’s current GoFundMe campaign
to) pay for the wall.
Circus-clown-in-chief
overseeing his new border security team
In Other News of The
Criminally Insane…
Chrump also went rogue on Syria.He unilaterally announced that he was pulling
all American troops out of Syria.This
decree was a surprise to everyone.The
military, the Joint Chiefs of Staff, leaders in Congress, and very likely
Chrump himself.This is Der Furor’s
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED moment, claiming that ISIS is completely defeated – much
like his “almost complete victory” in the 2018 midterm elections, which he lost
by historic proportions.
Unfortunately, Chrump is only the latest Republican’t
president to throw our long-time allies – the Kurds – under the Humvee. Surely, it is time for the Grand Old Outdated
Party (GOOP) to take its place alongside the Whig and the Bull Moose parties.
Perhaps the MISSION ACCOMPLISHED comparison is a bit off the
mark.It might be nothing more than a
smokscreen for his true intent – completing as much of his benefactor’s wish list
as possible before being brutally banished from American society.This sudden withdrawal of troops is just what
the Kremlin ordered.Putin wants us out
of there yesterday, but one imagines tomorrow works quite well.This action immediately resulted in the
sudden, surprising departure of Secretary of Defense James Mattis.Mattis harshly criticized Der Furor while resigning in protest over Chrump's treacherous disregard for America's allies and alliances, his dangerous
idiocy, and Chrump's slavish devotion to Vladimir Putin.
I am reminded of the old schoolyard taunt, “If he had a
brain, he’d be dangerous.”While nothing
could be more appropriate in dealing with Chrump, the once reliable barb rings
hollow, since Chrump has no brain and one would be hard pressed to imagine him
being any more dangerous than he already is at this moment.
I. Mangrey and most of our top reporters are not available
for their usual catch-and-release of current events.The gang is hold up in a secret unsanitary
location, busily attempting to divine the slings and arrows of our outrageous
future, we will regale you with a few choice repeat blog-casts in the hopes of
keeping you awake, amused and antagonized as we anxiously anticipate another
anno of America’s authoritarian asshole.
Fortunately, nothing much is happening at this point and I
am sure it will be quiet until the holidays are over.All we have now is every single aspect of the
Chrump Crime Family either under or on the verge of an investigation. Newly elected attorney general for the state
of New York Letitia James
just told NBC News, “We will use every area of the law to investigate President
Trump and his business transactions and that of his family as well…. We want to
investigate anyone in his orbit who has, in fact, violated the law.”Surely, these good people – the best, or so
we have been told – have nothing to hide, or nothing to fear but fear
itself…and possibly their lives of crime.
Chrump also just lost his chief-of-staff John Kelly – noted
racist and all-around asshole – and cannot find anyone to take the job except
for slimy pig Mick Mulvaney, who weeks before his future boss was elected said,
“Yes, I am supporting Donald Trump, but I’m doing so despite the fact that I
think he’s a terrible human being.”
Chrump is also saying good-bye to sleazy egomaniac and
Earth-hating shit-weasel Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke, who is under multiple
ethics investigations – but only because he has been bilking the American
public for his personal benefit.Zinke
thinks by quitting he can avoid the consequences of his actions, but there
might be some Democrats who will beg to differ with this meathead.I wish him hell in his next endeavor.
Singin’ in The Pain
So, since everything seems to be quiet and peaceful, we will
likely not miss our intrepid reporters for a few days.However, on their way out, I. Mangrey and T.
Doff left a delicious holiday treat.Big
fans of Mel Torme, but unable to even hum (they are no Randy Rainbow), they
left new lyrics to an old favorite.We
will leave the singing of it up to you.
Sing to the tune of Mel Torme’s The Christmas Song:
The Chrumpless Song
Chrump’s nuts roasting on an open fire
Mueller’s taking down his bros
Indictments are flying around all the while
America tries to hold its nose
Everybody knows he’s lying, and a nasty man
Constant tweeting is a blight
MAGA hat morons who think he’s a god
Will find it hard to sleep tonight
They know that Chrump’s
about to go away
He rage tweets 40, 50 times a day
And every mother's child is gonna cry
With glee ‘cause Chrump is on his way to fry
And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To kids from one to ninety-two
Although it's been said many times, many ways
CHRUMP IS FINISHED! YAHOO!
It’s clear that Chrump’s about to go away He rage tweets dumber, crazy things each day And every mother's child is gonna cheer Because the end of Chrump
is almost here
And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To kids from one to ninety-two
Although it's been said many times, many ways
CHRUMP IS FINISHED, CHRUMP
IS FINISHED!
CHRUMP IS FINISHED! YAHOO!
Songwriters: Mel Torme / I. Mangrey / Robert Wells
Mel & I
Ed Venture
(Barely) Managing Editor, Paying Attention
“Journalism is printing what
someone else does not want printed
(or as Donald Chrump calls it, “Fake news.”):
Everything else is public relations.”
(or as Donald Chrump calls it, Fox “News.”) George Orwell
I grow old … I grow old …
I shall watch the Orange Gas Cloud fume.
Shall I start my happy dance? Do I dare to
dream impeach? I shall keep my fingers crossed, and walk upon
the beach. I have heard the witnesses singing, each to
each.
I do not think that they will sing to
me.
I have seen them testify on the waves
Throwing themselves on the court’s mercy, thus
When they realize they are under the bus.
They had lingered too long in the House
of Chrump
By porn-stars paid for silence so to keep
By Cohen, by Chrump – the fixer, the creep.
The noose is tightening.The walls are closing in.The pigeons
are coming home to roost.It is later
than he thinks.Everything Chrump
touches is illegal and turns to shit; his sewer pipe is more clogged than his
arteries, and his golden toilet is about to blow back, turning his
long-cultivated orange hue a dark and smelly shade of brown.
Talk of impeachment is swirling around Washington, DC like
an F5 tornado. There is a good bit of
whispering, and
quite a few are insisting that there is more than enough evidence for the impeachment of poor un-prezident Chrump.Just because he is a lifelong criminal who
continued his lawless ways after “winning” the presidency.Even Donald Chrump is beginning to get the
message that impeachment is not as fake as he is.While Chrump is preparing to shut down the
government, Robert Mueller is preparing to shut down the Chrump
administration.Those close to him say
he is thinking about impeachment. Most
likely, he knows not what it means, but he is talking about it.
The Chrumpnado’s swath of
destruction is near its end.
The clean-up will take an eternity.
Comedians are worried where their next punch line will come from.
Musicians everywhere are clamoring to add their voices to
our current events.Artists of all
genres are inundating recording studios across America (which is getting
greater again by the minute).Some are
crafting original tunes, some are doing remakes of well-known songs from
decades of musical classics. New bands
like the The Muellertones, The Tweetles, Orange Floyd, Mitch and The
Apologists, Kelly’s Zeros, The Roiling Stains, The Non-Ryan Express, and of
course – The Impeach Boys.
Der Furor is (hopefully) not singing, but everyone around
his sure is singing.Flynn, Cohen, Gates
and others are singing like canaries to Mueller and other investigators.While the lyrics are moving, the music from
these amateurs leaves much to be desired.We’ll leave it to the professionals to make the most of this musical
opportunity.Here are just a few of the
upcoming musical do-overs we can expect in the upcoming months.
Janis Joplin – Impeach of My Heart
Cat Stevens – Impeach Train
Allman Brothers – Eat An Impeach
Elvis Costello – (What’s So Funny ‘Bout) Impeach, Love and
Understanding
George Harrison – Give Me Love (Give Impeach On Earth)
John Lennon – Give Impeach A Chance
Eagles – Impeachful Easy Feeling
The Zombies – Time of The Season (For Impeachment)
Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young – Impeach Your Children
The New Seekers – I'd Like To Impeach The World To Sing
Sarah Vaughan and Count Basie – Impeach Me Tonight
And the holiday classic – Let There Be Impeach on Earth
Who knows what impeachment lurks in the hearts of Congress?And, so far this guy is living up to his
Teflon Don moniker, but it is not Teflon that coats this dried out turd; it’s
an oil/grease mixture, and it is turning rancid, hopefully losing much of its
anti-stick properties.I am not even
sure it would be best to impeach the sonofabitch.I would love to see him quit like Nixon – one
step ahead of the sheriff – or crushed in 2020.
Randy Rainbow
I. Mangrey recalculating.Don’t count your impeachments before they’re hatched.
Chrump took a break from freaking out over Mueller closing
in on his life of crime before, during and after his 2016 Electoral College
victory.For some reason, he thought it
would be a good idea to meet with Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer to talk about
keeping the government open for business.Business (along with an almost infinite list of other topics), of
course, is something about which Donald Chrump knows next to nothing.
Supposedly, no one wants a government shutdown.Well, no one but the idiot-sans-savant Donald
Chrump.Pelosi and Schumer made it very
clear that the Democrats want no part of a shutdown.Chrump, on the other hand, would rather
destroy the entire country in order to build the wall, build the wall, build
the wall.
Pouty McFuckface, Chuck and
Nancy, and a cardboard cutout of Mike Pence
If you only heard the audio, you would be excused for not
knowing that human marshmallow and ersatz Vice Prezident Mike Pence was also in
the room.Pence appeared to have been
shot by Don, Jr. with a tranquilizer dart. Pence appeared less animated than the
portraits of presidents (all of whom were surely glad to be dead) on the
wall.The catatonic veep sat motionless,
expressionless, and mute, while Pelosi and even Schumer repeatedly bitch-slapped
the hapless half-prezident in front of a roomful of reporters that Chrump
himself insisted stick around to witness his tantrum.Perhaps Pence was ruminating about how he is
up to his albino-like eyeballs in Chrump’s felonious falderal.Maybe he was regretting all his lies, his
continuing conspiracy and his tremendously treasonesque efforts to enable, or
at the very least allow, the Russians to work on Chrump’s behalf to help him
get elected.A President Nancy Pelosi
might not be nearly as farfetched as one might think.
The Commander-in-chintz was obsessed with, and insisted that
nothing else is more important than, his precious border wall.During the meeting, Chrump fumed some 50
times that “the wall is part of border security”.Chrump’s mythical wall is part of border
security in the same way Frosted Flakes are part of a nutritious
breakfast.One has to wonder what the
hell Chrump is smocking.
He Who Lives By the
Pecker, Dies By the Pecker
Chrump, who has throughout is entire life, gotten into
trouble because of his pecker is now at the mercy of another pecker.This time it is the National Enquirer’s
Pecker – David Pecker, publisher of National Enquirer, that is – who
is putting a hurt on The Donald.Pecker,
has corroborated the tape recording that featured Michael Cohen and Chrump
discussing how Pecker would "catch-and-kill" damaging stories about Chrump's
affairs to protect his candidacy.
We
here at Paying Attention are always on the lookout for things to make your
lives great again in these challenging times. Sometimes we just cannot find anything
worthwhile on the internets, so we hunker down and create something incredibly
tremendous right here in our little Paying Attention Playroom. Fortunately for you, we have done it again. Another homerun from the folks who brought you
Votegra
for Electile Dysfunction and Rent-a-Coma
for maintaining what remains of your sanity in the Chrump Era. Not to mention our most recent, incredibly successful Moron-a-Tron Mental Detector, which single-handedly reduced the number of mentally incompetent voters from the polls and flipped the House of Representatives in favor of the much-less-crooked-and-horrible Democratic Party.
After
the imaginary success of our first foray into children’s books, Goodnight Goon, we have been looking for
another way to teach the newest generation who to blame for the Neolithic Supreme
Court, the lack of health care, the almost paralyzing distribution of wealth,
the rampant racism and the reason everyone is walking around in gas masks
unless they are rich enough to afford the personal bubbles that will soon dot
the landscape.Once again we have
something very terrific, very terrific, believe me, for the little ones.
Something that will make childhood great again. Many people are saying this. And these are the best people, who know the
best words (and pictures) when they see them.
Fresh on the heels of Steven Colbert’s all-proceeds-go-to-charity
Who’s Boat is This Boat? – the
accidentally-written-by Donald-Chrump future classic, comes another fine
product from the child-friendly, Chrump-unfriendly folks at Paying
Attention.This time we offer up another
fine alternative children’s book destined to take its place right next to Goodnight Goon.
A Story For The Rages
Our latest offering follows a strange, orange “child” –
Donald – who, when we first meet him, is lost in the vast expanse of his
unusually soft, oddly hued cranium.He accidentally
falls out of his head and into the world at large, a world populated by, what
are to him, frightening creatures, or as they call themselves – people. The mentally, emotionally and socially challenged man-child finds refuge
in an imaginary very, very large uh-brain, which he believes is inside his
very, very spacious uh-head. The
unfortunate and frighteningly delusional child-in-a-man’s-body has a wild and
surreal cross-world adventure with seven magically-alternative garden bugs he
meets. They set off on a journey to seek revenge on the world-at-large, while escaping
from reality and the imaginary wicked old man who Donald insists is hunting him
like a witch.
From the book,
I don’t know why he’s chasing me,
When I’ve done nothing wrong
At least nothing I’d admit to,
Not in word, and not in song
I’m just a good little boy,
Who doesn’t know where, or why, or when
I’m just a very good little boy,
Trying to Make Amnesia Great Again
I should be loved and left alone
This Mueller Monster, he must stop
I say to anyone who can hear me,
Lock him up, lock him up, lock him up
If he keeps trying, he won’t catch me,
Though he might bother and annoy,
Believe me, he will never, ever catch me,
Because I’m the Orange-faced Boy
In a stunning plot twist that would shock O. Henry, it is the
cantankerous and inscrutable Mueller who turns out to be the real hero, and not
the demented, ignorant, hateful little Donald. Though the subject matter can at times be
alarming, nauseating and downright painful, children in our focus groups were
rolling on the floor with what we determined to be laughter.Certainly there were tears of what we assumed
was joy.No one can contradict the statement
that none of the lawsuits filed by the parents of our focus group participants
ever went to court.And there is very
likely no truth to the rumor that any of them was paid $130,000 to keep silent.
Straight from the horse’s ass’s
uh-mouth Sep 26, 2018
Available for pre-order wherever you buy imaginary products. Makes a great holiday gift for someone who does not exist. Order yours now because supplies are
limited.Very limited.
