Alternative Headlines

Wrenched From The WTF* Headlines

December 11, 2019

America is ready to crack.  There are still far too many Chrump supporters for anything resembling a democracy to survive.  Many of these folks are simply white nationalists who are scared to death that people of color, Jews and unrestrained women are stealing the country they once knew; they might be right; let us hope so.  Others are mentally challenged, willfully ignorant consumers of Fux News and other dissemblers of insane, debunked conspiracy theories.  The rest are greedy motherfuckers who only care about keeping their money safe from taxation with representation. 

Much of public on both sides of the debate has chosen to tune out the news in favor of grasping at mental health straws.  The Paying Attention team gave up any pretense of mental health some time ago, but we still like to have some fun.  If Chrumpers can have their alternative facts, we can have some alternative headlines...

‘Deep shame’ that Merkel’s first visit to Auschwitz
did not happen much, much sooner 

Paying Attention Tells Issa STFU

Old White Men, Likely On Viagra,
Continue Marathon Fucking Of America
Someone Call Their Doctor Already

Many Americans Blame Haley For
Trying To Make Racism Great Again

Someone Should Show Newt
Gingrich Exactly How Lynching Works

Death To America: So Fucked Not Even Funny

Republican’ts Only Want Chrump To
Meddle In His Own Race
(and what the fuck is he doing with his hand)

Chrump Rambled About Toilets:
Americans Wish This Was His Weirdest

Chrump to Jews: So I’m Anti-Semitic,
You All Love Money, So Love Me

What To Do, What To Do?
Can You Say Impeachment?
Didn’t Think So.

I. Mangrey, nominated for Best Supporting Activist.

*Worthless Trash Files

Beguiles and Tribulations

Cheaters Ever Prosper

December 10, 2019

So, it comes down to this.  All the evidence that managed to squeeze through the anti-president’s wall of obstruction clearly shows that Chrump demands to be impeached.  Donald Chrump has done everything in his power to cheat in the 2020 election.  Not just cheat, but to outsource his cheating to Russia, Ukraine and China (that we know of). 

Chrump is at his core, a cheat.  His cheating in golf and business prior to his ill-gotten election victory are well documented.  He cheated by hiring countless undocumented workers at all of his properties.  He cheated by excluding people of color from living in his properties.  He cheated contractors by not paying them for work they did for him.  He cheated suckers who enrolled in the now-shuttered-due-to-fraud Chrump University.  He cheated by hiring numerous Russian operatives within his own campaign (Manfort, Flynn, and others) and inviting Russia itself to criminally interfere in the 2016 election.  Chrump is nothing but a liar, a thug and a cheat – not necessarily in that order.  And those are some of his less despicable traits. 

Two pigs in a pod

The House Judiciary Committee has laid out the actual facts, well the Democrats did.  The Republican’ts desperately flung their alterative-fact-feces at the walls of the chamber in a last-ditch effort to obscure reality from their anti-reality base.  A dozen decorated, career diplomats testified under oath that the behavior they witnessed by their commander-in-chief was distasteful, unprecedented and, as far they understood, illegal.  The defendant, Donald Chrump has been in perpetual tantrum mode, decrying the impeachment process, the rule of law and the Constitution in order to keep his minions mired in lies, stupidity and pathetic fealty.  While screaming that the process was rigged and that he was not allowed due process, his answer was to simply continue his criminal activity, his obstruction, and then to refuse to present any evidence contrary to all the damning evidence that has been offered against him.  Chrump's defense seems to be, “Democrats are poop-heads.  I’m in charge here.”  What a bunch of, dare I say, malarkey.

I. Mangrey reporting. 

Bathroom Talk

Potty Mouth

December 9, 2019

Toilet Strained

During a rare press event sans helicopters churning in the background, Donald Chrump, as usual, launched into some of his patented insane improv.  Before rambling on about Americans having to flush toilets “10 times, 15 times as opposed to once” and quietly dripping showers, the dangerously delusional dipshit returned to a favorite theme.

Chrump regaled those in attendance with his patented take on the evils of the new energy-efficient lightbulbs.  “The lightbulb – they got rid of the lightbulb that people got used to.  The new bulb is many times more expensive and I hate to say it, it doesn’t make you look as good.  Of course, being a vain person, that’s very important to me.  Gives you an orange look.  I don’t want an orange look – has anyone noticed that?  So we’ll have to change those bulbs in at least a couple of rooms where I am in the White House.”

First of all, was that a moment of self-awareness we just saw? (Of course, the one thing Chrump might be aware of is his vanity.)  Second, yeah, it’s the lighting that makes you look a moldy pastry covered in discolored cotton candy.  Third, I think I speak for pretty much everyone when I say – no, you tragically tinted twit, no one has noticed that, and if you don’t want an orange look, why the fuck do you keep slathering yourself with orange concealer?  Chrump’s former housekeepers claim they regularly had to bring new shirts from the pro shop because of the rust-colored stains on the collars.  Those stains, rather than being a generic rust-color, were specifically, Orange BHCo6 made by a company called Bronx Colors. 

This is reportedly Donald’s preferred coloring. 
He’d be better off with Sherwin Williams.
They have the perfect shade.

Sherwin-Williams
“Obstinate Orange SW 6884” *

I get hydrating.  Who doesn’t need to hydrate, but what exactly are you concealing?  A deeper orange hue?  Next you’ll try to tell us you don’t like looking like a faded, manic racoon.  Try a paper bag. 

Does this bag make me look orange?

Mr. Chrump, maybe it is not the light bulbs that are the problem.  Maybe you should lock yourself in the bathroom ala Gen. Jack D. Ripper.  You two have much in common.

I. Mangrey reporting.  Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?

*This is an actual Sherwin-Williams color

In Memoriam

It Was Thirty-Nine Years Ago Today

December 8, 2019

John Lennon Memorial – Strawberry Fields, Central Park, NYC

December 8, 1980, another date that will live in infamy.  The day legendary musician, songwriter and activist John Lennon was gunned down in front of the The Dakota apartment building in Manhattan.  Further proof that, as Mike Love wrote in Student Demonstration Time, “The pen is mightier than the sword, but no match for a gun.”

John Lennon statue – Havana, Cuba

How Do You Sleep

Gimme Some Truth

Hungry For Power

It’s Impossible

December 7, 2019

Since December 7^th is already a date that will live in infamy, why not talk about a man that will live in infamy – a one-man Pearl Harbor, our very own kamikaze president Donald J. Chrump.  Donald Chrump, who respects no one – and the feeling is mutual – but fell in love with Kim Jong Un, is desperately trying to keep his chestnuts from getting fatally roasted. 

The Roastmaster, Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, who Chrump calls Nervous Nancy, as in, “You make me very nervous, Nancy,” recently assured an also nervous majority of Americans that the impeachment train Adam Schiff drove out of the station continues to run smoother than a Tesla Roadster, and with similar acceleration capabilities.

And now, a word from our newest sponsor…

From the determined folks at Berder King who brought you the Impossible Berder, you are invited to enjoy, well, experience, the new Impossible President.  You may never want to eat…or vote…again.

Wow, he paid (where’s the proof?).  Big spender.  He also ate 300 of them.

We are what we elect.

The world is abuzz over the emergence of hamburgers, or for some, hamberders that are made without meat.  Many people are fooled, thinking they are eating real meat…or whatever it is they typically serve in these fast food establishments, but it is actually plant-based protein.  Sounds yummy, don’t it?  Similarly, many people have been fooled into thinking that the man currently besmirching the White House, while padding his fake bank account and doing what is best for Russia every single day, is an actual president, but it is actually a toxic orange gas cloud.  Much less yummy sounding.

No one knows where we will go from here.  Will America die from this bleeding ulcer of a president?  Will we recover our dignity, our standing among the nations of the world?  Will we have to live with a permanent disability and limp along into the future as a second-rate power?

I. Mangrey reporting.  I think I lost my appetite.

Shit’s Getting Realer

He’s Number Three, He’s Number Three

December 6, 2019

The Orange Gas Cloud dares Pelosi to impeach him fast

Yesterday Nancy Pelosi called Chrump’s bluff and formally directed the House Judiciary Committee to proceed with articles of impeachment, making Donald Chrump only the third president in American history to face impeachment.  Some of you may recall that Richard Nixon came withing a dick’s breath of being number three, but decided quitting was the better part of valor.  Daring to bend to the will of the United States Constitution, and provoking the ire of Republicant’s, Pelosi announced somberly that the buffoonish 45^th president had left her no choice but to do what the Constitution demands in the face of rampant and unending obstruction of justice, abuse of power, bribery and of course, making Russia great again.  There is no provision for impeaching someone for historic ignorance; neither is there one for gross incompetence, contrary to what some imagine. 

For better or worse the fate of Donald Chrump, and once again America, will be in the hands of Moscow Mitch.  McConnell’s Senate majority will likely take another collective (hopefully figurative) shit on the Constitution and acquit Chrump of the crimes he clearly not only committed, but confessed to repeatedly.  Add to this the fact that Rudy the Clown is in Ukraine right now continuing his dogged work on Chrump’s as yet unconcluded election meddling/bribery scheme.  The jury will be the full Senate, where Chrump has said he will finally get a fair trial.

A jury of Chrump’s lapdogs peers

The long War on Impeachment is finally over and we are once again allowed to say Happy Impeachment.

I. Mangrey reporting.  Breathe a brief sigh of relief.

Poll Faulting

Okay, Bummer

 

December 5, 2019

Long-time grifter and soon-to-be-ex-Energy Secretary Rick Perry recently told an interviewer that, of course Donald Chrump was chosen by God.  Many of Chrump’s diehard supporters believe the same thing.  Of course, many of them also believe the Earth is flat, life begins at rape, science is a hoax, and Jesus rode dinosaurs in the dino-rodeo…or something.   

 



I cannot help but wonder, exactly what has God chosen him to do?  I am no expert on Christianity, or any religion for that matter, but from all the available evidence - and there is more than anyone would really care to have - there is no one less Christian, less godly than Donald Chrump.  The only Commandment Chrump has not broken (at least not directly, as far as we know), is Thou shalt not kill.  

A new poll found that 53 percent of Republican’t voters believe Donald Chrump is a better president than Abraham Lincoln.  Yes, that Abraham Lincoln.  A brand-new Paying Attention poll finds that 65 percent of Republican’t voters did not know who Abraham Lincoln was, and think that slavery was a hoax perpetrated by George Soros to help Jews control the world and make everyone eat bagels.  The other 35 percent seem to know who Lincoln was, but only know that he was the jerk who screwed up slavery.

I. Mangrey reporting.  How much stupid is enough? 

The Eyes Are Windows to The Soulless

Call The Next Witless to The Stand

December 4, 2019

Devin Nunes is the rank(ing) member of the House Intelligence Committee.  There is something about his eyes.  It is not a sparkle.  It is not a glimmer.  Nunes’s eyes give the impression that he is either emotionally dead inside or brain-dead inside, but he is (assuming he is not some sort of defective robot) in fact alive.  I do not have a problem with that, but I do have a problem with him skulking among the general population.  Devin Nunes belongs behind bars.  He was acting illegally during the Mueller investigation, making secret midnight runs to tell the subject of the investigation – Criminal-in-chief Donald Chrump – what Mueller was looking at.  This information was meant to be secret, especially from our anti-president.

Devin Numbnuts

Nunes, when he was not busy telling viewers of the impeachment hearings to change the channel or turn off the sound, or spouting insane conspiracy theories, or calling the committee chairman corrupt, was concealing a little something.  Hidden within Nunes’ alleged brain like the 220 pounds of trash discovered in the belly of a recently beached whale was not trash.  It was instead potentially (definitely) bombshell information that the committee might have found interesting.  Turns out Nunes needs to lawyer up and fast.

Side note: A group of Scottish marine researchers who autopsied on the juvenile sperm whale after its death Thursday morning called the massive cache of trash discovered inside the dead sea mammal both “stunning” and “shameful.”  They could just as easily have been talking about Nunes.
  Maybe it was an oversight.  Maybe Nunes forgot that he was a key figure in the very crime he was pretending to be investigating.  Maybe it was extremely cold and Nunes was suffering from severe shrinkage…of his already miniscule brain.  It could happen. 

Now it turns out that Nunes was up to his deer-in-the-headlights-eyeballs in the Ukraine debacle.  Recently disclosed phone records show that Nunes was in close contact with many of the Chrump/Giuliani international crime syndicate throughout the Ukraine shake-down episode, which apparently is ongoing.  Nunes was spending oodles of quality time on the phone with, among others, Giuliani and his now-indicted, currently-behind-bars-awaiting-trial “business” associate, Lev Parnas.  Parnas is now eager to cooperate with investigators, which might not be great news for all the other criminals in and around the White House.  Parnas, who looks to be about as bright as Devin Nunes, might turn out to be one of the less pathetically idiotic players in Chrump’s game of Dumbass.

Nunes should have recused himself from the entire process before day one, but that is not how Republican’ts do things.  They do not believe in democracy, or honesty, or due process or the Founding Fathers, or their damn Constitution.  Hold them to account.  Lock them up.  Vote them out.  Whatever it takes.  Or America is over.

Maybe the best Impeachment Season ever

I. Mangrey reporting.  Too much malarkey for me to be involved in.

When The Quid Quos Pro, He's Gotta Go

Impeachment Season Marches On

December 2, 2019

So far it has been a pretty good Impeachment Season.  So much lovely testimony.  Sure, it has not been enough to penetrate the cult-collective-mind.  Yet.  We do not need them all, just a small percentage.  Strategically placed throughout the Electoral College.  Just remember, it ain’t over until the fat man is dragged kicking and screaming from the White House.  Hopefully, the only singing he might do will be to a prosecuting attorney or someone like her.

I love this time of year.  The impeach trees are in full bloom.  There is an endangered giant orange bird squawking up a storm.  Though in many ways it is not a pretty bird, and the unconscionably loud shrieking could shatter granite, it still warms the heart to hear its pained cry.   

The fortunately rare Orange Loudmouth

It has a brain that could sprawl comfortably on the head of a pin.  It is reassuring to know it has a thorn in its paw, or perhaps it is another in a procession of bone spurs, or maybe someone is uncourteously grabbing it by the pussy.  Either way, its pain is our pleasure.

Put Up or Lock-up

Though it is now abundantly clear that Chrump’s criminal enterprise comprises his entire cabinet and other related sycophants, I think Democrats should slow-walk this impeachment process.  There is no hurry at this point.  Keep it away from the Senate and fight for the subpoenas in the courts.  Allowing Moscow Mitch to acquit the Criminal-in-chief during election season will be weak tea compared to continuing to keep Chrump hoisted with his own petard by keeping the impeach pie in the oven until it is either completely baked, or the Senate changes hands. 

Many people are saying there was quid pro quo.

If Hillary’s emails were enough to keep her public image smeared, then surely Chrump’s continuing crime spree being publicly flogged like her damn emails and her damn Benghazi nothing burger should weaken Chrump in 2020.  Then, in the event Chrump is able to steal another election, the impeachment card can still be played.

If subpoenas are ignored, lock them up.  It is critical to force all of Chrump's best people (well, the third best at this point, since all the best ones have moved on, as have many of their replacements - some without even going to jail), all these great patriots, to tell the American people the truth.  We need to see such shining louts like Bill Barr, Mike Pompeo, Rudy Giuliani, Mick Mulvaney, John Bolton and the charming and lovely Lev Parnas – everyone involved, up to and including Individual One – appear on live television to testify, or at the very least give the impression of guilt by invoking the Fifth Amendment. 

In the words of Donald Chrump,
“You see the mob takes the Fifth.  If you’re innocent, why are you taking the Fifth Amendment?”

“When you have your staff taking the Fifth Amendment, taking the Fifth, so they’re not prosecuted, when you have the man that set up the illegal server taking the Fifth, I think it’s disgraceful.”

Chrump can show up like Bill Clinton did, but Chrump can pretend he is back on The Apprentice – he does not even have to act presidential.  He does love being on television after all.  And he can tell all the Democratic senators, “You’re fired!”

Look Both Ways Before Double-Crossing

Know what this is?

Not many people know what the underside of a bus looks like.  If you would like a first-hand account, just ask Rudy Giuliani.  This is what Rudy will be seeing for the foreseeable future.

I. Mangrey reporting.  Beep beep.