Caucus Much?

Iowa Lot

Somewhere between Iowa and New Hampshire

February 2, 2016

Iowa, home of high-fructose porn syrup, where hopelessly horrifying hater and Wicked Witch of Texas, Ted Cruz has emerged from the Iowa caucuses with what has been referred to as a victory. This begs the caveat that the Iowa caucuses have gained a reputation for predicting which Republican’t candidate will never become president – and probably not even get his party’s nomination. Like Mike Huckabee in 2008 and Rick Santorum in 2012. Remember them? Me neither. And Rick Santorum was a senator in my home state…I think.

Ted Cruz, out of costume

I hesitate to attribute Cruz’s purported success to anything having to do with Cruz himself. Lest we forget that the junior senator from Texas (home of George W. Bush and Rick Perry) has gained a reputation of his own, that of being one of the most unlikeable people ever to hold a senate seat let alone run for president. His own party despises him. Anyone who has ever spent any time with him is eternally grateful to be finished with the experience. His wife Heidi - Southwest region head for Goldman Sachs - appears to be a rare exception.

However, the likely reason for the Cruz victory had little to do with Cruz, his screechy voice, his grating demeanor, his disavowed Canadian citizenship or his tasteless last minute assault on his rivals, which included telling voters that Ben Carson had suspended his campaign. None of that really had any effect. No, it was the simple fact that Donald Chrump had gotten bored with all that winning.

Regardless of the reason, Cruz couldn’t have been more excited to win the battle for who-will-definitely-not-be-getting-elected. Or as J.E.B. - with arms thrust in the air like a newly-crowned champion replied after being told that he had succeeded in having low expectations for winning Iowa: “MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.”

Such a kidd(broth)er

 

During his concession speech in Iowa The Chrump waxed pathetic about his love for the Hawkeye State saying, “Iowa, we love you. We thank you. You're special. We will be back many, many times. In fact, I think I might come here and buy a farm.” Am I the only one anxious to contribute money to help Mr. Chrump buy the farm in Iowa?

 

 



I. Mangrey reporting. Please please me oh yeah, like I please you.

BREAKING…

 

Hillary Clinton prevailed over Bernie Sanders…that is if you consider a 49.8 to 49.6 margin prevailing. Carpe Bernie.