Mental Ben Strikes Again

Correcting the record

Once a year we here at Paying Attention make a mistake or two. Last week we predicted that the tired and tiresome Ben Carson would bow out of the race after what our polling indicated would be a miserable showing in South Carolina. We regret the error, but we delight in what might be our last chance to satirically separate Dr. Carson from his political career…such as it was. Also we were a bit off on our math. It seems we completely forgot the completely forgettable John Kasich. Oops.

Premature Elimination

The Nevada Caucuses
February 23, 2016

I was dead certain that Sleepy Ben Carson would pack up his shit and go home after being drubbed in South Carolina. I was correct that he would end up in last place or worse, but he somehow decided that he should stay in the race. His debate performances, even during the brief moments when he manages to pry his eyes open, are more tranquillizing than Ambien. Bill Cosby wishes he had Ben Carson along as a wing man for all those years.

Carson’s numbers are shown in decimal form – on the wrong side of the decimal. He grasps the issues like a man fishing with his bare hands. What did I miss? What overly moneyed imbecile is bankrolling this human sedative?

Heal – Inspire – Revive is what Ben tells himself every morning.
It’s clearly not working.

The man who insists that the Great Pyramids were built by Joseph to store grain warned a room full of Jews, after sharing his version of their history, to beware of hummus. Carson, hopefully while blacked out again, said he thought Muslims could integrate into the United States “only if they're schizophrenic.” I have to wonder if he knows that term doesn’t mean they are filled with grain like the Pyramids.

Mental Ben said that the Holocaust would have been much less annoying if people in Nazi Germany been armed. He believes that one dead body with bullet holes is not as bad as taking away the Second Amendment. As if anyone ever mentioned that as an option. He bravely told others to attack gunmen in active shooter situations, “I would say, ‘Hey guys, everybody attack him. He may shoot me, but he can’t get us all.’”  He later told us that he had direct experience in just such circumstances in the past. Except that his answer when his time came, was to point the shooter to what he thought was a more lucrative target. Very brave. Are all brain surgeons this amazing outside the operating room?

While waiting to see just how poorly he would do in South Carolina the Brainless Surgeon, who Rupert Murdoch said would be a “real black president”, told an interviewer, “The fact of the matter is, you know, he did not grow up in – in black America. He grew up in white America. Doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with that. It’s just that when a claim is made that he represents the black experience, it’s just not true.” Adding, “Remember now, I’ve been around for 64 years, you know. I’ve had a chance to see what real racism is."

Maybe finishing sixth out of five in Nevada will finally convince Grain Man to call it quits and go home to watch Judge Wapner.

I. Mangrey reporting. My brain hurts, but please don’t tell Dr. Ben that.