Don & Ted's Big Adventure

A Tale of Two Shitties

On The Road
February 21, 2016

Marco Rubio squirmed into second place in South Carolina by the slimmest of margins. He rivaled Cruz for a far-behind-the-also-ran. Rubio has now won all three primaries by not coming in first. In honor of his showing I will talk about the other two candidates atop the Field of Screams.

Chrump’s Comb-Around

Having taken spray “tanning”, the comb-over and presidential primaries to unimagined places, Donald Chrump continues to crush the competition like the Hulk traipsing through an ant colony. He next takes his quest for perpetual public attention on to Las Vegas.

His latest act of hatred and sheer dishonesty came at the expense of Barack Obama having chosen not to disrupt the funeral of Antonin Scalia by meeting privately with the wife and son of the recently departed jurist. Knowing no bounds, Chrump’s ignorance saw him tweet, “I wonder if President Obama would have attended the funeral of Justice Scalia if it were held in a Mosque.”

How do you think we feel?

Another of Trump’s new inspirational messages is that he will bring back waterboarding and techniques that are ‘‘so much worse’’ and ‘‘much stronger’’ once he is president. Chrump lied, ‘‘Don’t tell me it doesn’t work – torture works. Okay, folks? …Believe me, it works. Okay?’’ And he called Ted Cruz a “pussy” for not loving torture enough. I feel certain that waterboarding will become a national pastime if Mr. Chrump is elected. I intend to try it on myself at that point.

At least Chrump won’t be appointed by the Supreme Court now that Scalia has permanently recused himself and there are only eight justices. 

The Truth, The Whole Truth And Mostly Lies

Asked if he ever lied to the American people, congenital liar Chrump replied, “I don’t lie, I mean I don’t lie. In fact, if anything, I’m so truthful that it gets me in trouble, OK? They say I’m too truthful. And, no I don’t lie. I don’t lie. I’m self-funding my campaign. I tell the truth.” I’m pretty sure being overly truthful is not the primary issue that has gotten him into trouble. Yes he is a little too honest about his bigotry, but hey, lots of Americans apparently love that kind of talk. But I happen to believe it is the bigotry itself (among countless other things) that has caused trouble for the Orange One. That and the fact that he has been caught lying far more than he has been caught telling the truth.

Picture of Chrump lying

 Ted Cruz Bundy 

Just before the South Carolina primary Ted Cruz went full Bundy. Throwing his lot in with Nevada’s freeloader/secessionist Cliven Bundy (armed insurrectionist millionaire who refused to pay grazing fees to the federal government, and challenged the feds to a shoot-out in 2014) and Sons (fresh off their heroic take-over of an undefended Oregon bird sanctuary) – all safely behind bars finally, Cruz promised the people of Nevada he would sell lands held in the public trust by the federal government to private parties. Bundy won’t even pay for grazing. Why would he give you one red cent for what he already thinks is his? The junior senator from Texas vowed to sell-off or give away the state’s national parks, national forests, national monuments, and other public lands. Rumor has it he plans to sell off the Viet Nam Veterans Memorial, the Smithsonian, California and New York on day one.

Sovereign Citizen Ted?

 

“If you trust me with your vote,” says Cruz in the Nevada ad, “I will fight day and night to return full control of Nevada’s lands to its rightful owners, its citizens.” He might not have added, “I will help Nevada or any other state to secede from the Union if they so desire. We must throw off the yoke of this oppressive government I want you to let me lead. Except New York I will have nothing to do with those heathens. God bless me and God bless the United States of America. I have spoken.”

The Wizard of Cruz: Pay no attention to that scam behind the curtain.

Cruz recently whined, “One of the problems of Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton’s foreign policy and sadly too many establishment Republicans in Washington is they focus on issues unrelated to protecting this country. They focus on nation building; they focus on toppling governments to promote democracy and it ends up undermining our national security.” This of course describes nothing so well as it does the neocon/Bush/Cheney legacy in the Middle East. Yes, Obama has continued too much of this horrific nonsense, but can you imagine what this slime ball would do from the Oval Office? Please don’t try. I’m sorry I even brought it up.

Cruz crisscrosses the country.

I. Mangrey tickling the keys.