Saturday, January 7, 2023

Broken News

And On The 15th Round A Speaker Was “Elected”

January 7, 2022

On the two-year anniversary of bringing disgrace on the Capitol (not to mention the Constitution and democracy), Ratpublicans could help but pile shame upon disgrace on our nation once again. Only one single Ratpublican bothered to show up as the nation honored law enforcement and election officials who stood up for democracy in the face of hand-to-hand combat, slander, libel and death threats. Ratpublicans were much too busy showing America and the world that they are stunningly unfit to wield any power in any nation larger (or more real) than the Duchy of Grand Fenwick.

As if to flaunt their unquestionable anti-democratic bona fides, Ratpublicans couldn't even have a clean election among themselves. The party of gerrymandering districts into oblivion, the party of perpetual racist voter disenfranchisement, the party who cannot win the presidency via the popular vote, and the only party in our nation’s history to need the Supreme Court to step and stop the vote count before appointing the 44th president after all other means of stealing the election failed. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you today’s Ratfuckingpublican Party.

Chicken Kev

Ratpublicans finally managed to install their very own Speaker of the House in the wee wee hours of the fifth day of a political circus the likes of which we have not seen since before the Civil War (which they intend to resurrect). This was only after a fellow Ratpublican had to be physically restrained after appearing to lunge at Matt Gaetz, but to be fair, who among us hasn’t fantasized about taking a swing or ten at Matt Gaetz on any given day.

Rep. Katie Porter (D-CA) found a way to pass the time

Ratpublicans could not even manage to give their new “leader” an actual majority. It took a procedural loophole to drag Kevin McCarthy – battered, bloodied, and now toothless – across the finish line. This is why we can't have nice things. It must be admitted however, that it takes a particular set of skills to simultaneously win and lose an election.

A few months ago McCarthy told a gathering, “I want you to watch Nancy Pelosi hand me that gavel. It will be hard not to hit her with it.” Thankfully, McCarthy uttered this gem before Pelosi’s husband was almost bludgeoned to death with a hammer by a fairly typical Trump supporter. If McCarthy tries anything, Pelosi will punch him in the face, she will go to jail, and she will be happy.

This has been a Paying Attention™ Special Broken News report.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled happy thoughts.

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