Rent-a-Coma

An Imaginary Product For Surreal Times

April 12, 2020

Never has there been a better time for one of our favorite products.  We thought Rent-A-Coma was an important option ever since the very poorly attended “American Carnage” inauguration of the demented Orange Gas Cloud more than three years ago.  This remains true, but now with the added stress of the coronavirus pandemic, RENT-A-COMA could be one of the most important ways of coping with the combination the potentially physically debilitating, if not fatal, virus and the relentlessly emotionally enervating (if not fatal), mind-numbing pseudo-president. 

Stay home, there's something very bad in the air

 

One could not be credibly accused of wallowing in hyperbole by imagining that Donald Chrump regrets not testing his theory that he could “stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and wouldn’t lose any voters, ok?”  As part of his lifelong mission to appear grander than he really is (an irrefutably low bar), Chrump purposefully ignored repeated warnings in order to watch people die from this coronavirus and its COVID-19 infection (I believe COVID stands for Chrump Observably Victimizing Innocent Dwellers).   

His experiment seemed to be working, as many Americans managed to forget President Death’s willful mishandling of the nascent crisis.  People are understandably desperate for hope and leadership and many are falling victim – if not to the virus itself – to the reality-TV-con-job that passes for Chrump’s daily bipolar briefings.  Chrump is, though not with his tiny bare hands, killing thousands of Americans with his idiotic ramblings – pushing unproven drugs, contradicting the advice of medical experts, and flagrantly and constantly lying through his dentures.  America’s Serial-killer-in-chief continues to add to his personal death toll in broad daylight every single minute of every single day and his supporters do not waver.  And Chrump does not give a half-whit what happens to any of them.  They deserve each other, but the rest of us do not deserve any of them.

When the weather gets warmer and this thing magically disappears, we can finally get back to normal life and focus on Lyme ticks and virus-baring mosquitoes – ah, the good old days.  But for now, why not consider Rent-A-Coma?  It’s not like you’re doing anything important.  I’m sure you could pay some other poor unemployed fellow citizen to come in and wash your hands every few minutes. 

 It’s His Party And You Can Cry if You Want To

      Is your brain bruised?

From the really terrific people who brought you Votegra for Electile Dysfunction…

It’s not a drug, it’s not Covfefe, it’s a way of life. Sure there’s a pill to get you in the mood, but why call it a drug? What? Are you obsessed with facts and reality? That is so pre-Chrump. We have just what the doctor (before he was outlawed, except for the very rich) ordered.

     Are your emotions frazzled?

Would you like to simply check out for a few years and wake up fresh as a daisy in 2021 or 2025?

Would you like to do it safely without risking damage to your vital organs and precious bodily fluids? Does this even matter anymore?

                              Is your psyche sucking wind?

Finally there is a way to protect your mind – if nothing else – from President Death 

What you need is
Rent-A-Coma

Doesn’t this sound appealing?

Doesn’t this look peaceful?

It isn’t suicide. It isn’t moving to Canada. It’s just a time-out. The massive hospital expenses will be partially offset by the great savings you’ll realize on food, travel, shelter, Christmas and birthday gifts and all the other things you waste money on every day, trying to distract yourself from the neo-fascist destruction of Amerika by the Russian agent known as Chrumputin. Plus, most if not none of it will be covered by whatever the fuck Republican’ts are pretending will replace Obamacare.

Don’t get stuck in alt-reality without a viable exit strategy.

 

Our state-of-the-art resting facilities are in full compliance with all current regulations. Our promise to you is that when these regulations, as all regulations, are rescinded as Chrump and the Republican’ts slash everything not aimed at helping the wealthiest Americans, we will maintain the highest standards required by law…when there was law.

CAUTION: The desire to remain comatose may be habit forming

Here’s what people are saying about Rent-A-Coma:

       BHO from Hawai’i: “                                   ”

       SJG from Pennsylvania: “                                                 !”

       RFG from Maryland: “zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz”
      
      NP from San Francisco: “I tried. I really tried, but I just couldn’t take it anymore. I needed a break from surreality. Rent-a-Coma…zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.”

When we introduced Rent-A-Coma we were not prepared for the pure idiocy and galactic mayhem that was about to unfold. We simply wanted to help people still tethered to reality to avoid the ravages, indignities and insidious fascism of the impending Chrump Regime. We had no idea how absolutely unprecedented and disastrous Der Furor would be. No one could have anticipated how high the demand would be, and we sold out in minutes. Add to all of Chrump’s epoxy-“haired” lunacy Senate majority zombie Mitch McConnell’s super-secret assault on health care in America, and no matter how much Rent-A-Coma we produce, the demand will surely outpace the supply. So act now, or forever wake up screaming in the middle of the night, either living through the Chrump Era, or reliving the horrifying memories of same. There will be no Death Panel, only death. We guarantee that the new batch is even better. You won’t even know what hit you. And you won’t want to.

Ask your doctor or Magic 8 Ball if Rent-A-Coma is right for you, or just go get some. It’s all good. If you have a pulse and an IQ, your probably need Rent-A-Coma. And no prescription is necessary, just a credit card, or maybe a few rolls of toilet paper…or some masks.

Buy yours today or tomorrow, but don’t wait too long. What have you got to lose? It’s better than hydroxychloroquine according to no one in particular. If you are forced to endure the next four years without Rent-A-Coma you are likely to be conscious and very, very sorry. At best. Act now – supplies are limited. Don’t be the last one left standing.

Call right now: 800-NOT-HERE
Operators are standing by…but not many because most of them have already taken advantage of their perks – free samples of Rent-A-Coma – and the rest of them are sure to follow.
I know I am.