Broken News

Blunt Farce Trauma

August 5, 2021

“It's gonna be 9-0. They're gonna take this election down, and, yes, Donald Trump will be your president. He is your president now.”
                                 Pillow-head Mike Lindell, June 26, 2021

Any day now, self-proclaimed My Pillow Nut, Mike Lindell is going to change the world – just ask him. Actually, do not ask him. Please. Whatever you do, do not ask him. That will only serve to cause him to speak. While Lindell’s claims that he kicked his crack habit may be true, nothing else he says is. And nothing in his current behavior would cause anyone to believe he is clean and sober. Or compos mentis. His pillows, are a few levels below crap. And his claims that he stopped using aside, his brain remains badly damaged from his crack days.

Whatever flotsam and/or jetsam bobbing around in the bony cavity atop his quivering spine, lingers 20,000 leagues south of reality. Clearly, Lindell’s head is filled with the same chunks of whatever-it-is that fill his gawdawful pillows. That, and years of crack residue.

Bum and Bummer 

Very soon, we are told, unassailable evidence, the likes of which no one has ever seen, will be revealed for all to behold; what Lindell describes as “100 percent non-subjective evidence.” Though Mystic Mike has vacillated between insisting that August 13 is the day that Joe Biden and Kamala Harris will resign (Or is it that they will be ousted by a 9-0 Supreme Court decision?), and the once and future fascist Donald J. Turmp will be reinstated as president of these here Yoooonited States of Amurka, and saying he never said any such thing. As is so often the case with these nut-cases, there is actual video evidence of Lindell saying exactly what he says he did not say.

Apparently, this baffling barrage of blood-curdling bullshit is due to assault our senses and our intellect on August 10 during what Lindell is calling a “cyber symposium,” which even Fux News has refused to promote, causing the My Pillow Clown to pull all his idiotic advertising.

Be sure to stock up on popcorn, beer, toilet paper and disinfectant in bothered anticipation of Meth-Odd Mike’s gigantic, irrefutable, indestructible announcement coming soon to a loony bin near you.

“Mr. Turmp knows he is still president, because he listens to me.
And I have all the proof right here in my jacket.”

This has been a Special Paying Attention Broken News report.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled fear and loathing.