Friday, May 13, 2022

Forced-Birth (Out Of) Control

Sham Alito Edition

May 13, 2022

Supreme Court Jester Samuel “I’ve Been Planning This For Almost Fifty Years” Alito relied on a witch hunter from the 17th century as the foundation for his argument aimed at overturning Roe v. Wade. Alito’s 17th century source “had at least two women executed for witchcraft and wrote a treatise supporting marital rape.” Wow, a Ratpublican before their time. And I’m guessing, couldn’t get voluntarily laid to save his worthless life.

In a stunning and futile gesture to seem even vaguely relevant to the 21st Century, Alito quoted renown beer enthusiast, credibly accused sexual assaulter and perjurer Brett “I Still Like Beer…Do You Like Beer” Kavanaugh six times. A thoroughly modern mooncalf if ever there was one.

Bonzo Dog Band – Bad Blood

Apparently someone or something took a leak* on Alito’s Medieval malfeasance, alerting the hoi polloi to the impending roll-back of human decency. It just figures that when Ratpublicans finally side with science, it would have to be science from the 17th Century.

Alito claims historical precedent for aborting women’s rights to control their own bodies. If he bothered to read history other than that lauding a 17th century witch-hunting, abortion-hating Englishman, Alito would learn that abortion has been a widely accepted, practice beginning in antiquity and continuing through history. According to historian John M. Riddle, there may have been more access to reproductive care for many women in the actual Dark Ages (approximately the 5th century to 10th century) than they have in many parts of the United States today. Guess which parts.

Re-enactment of Alito-esque scientific method

Motherfucker’s Day

Just in time for Mother’s Day, on a day that henceforth will be known as Motherfucker’s Day, Alito and his hench-maggots – Thomas, Gorsuch, Kavanaugh and Clowney-Barrett (all of whom are radical Christians who fear and loathe the Founders’ explicit calls for separation of Church and State) – let loose with their plan to ensure there will be more mothers than you can shake a dick at. And if you do happen to shake a dick where it don’t belong, congratufuckinglations, you are a motherfucker…and a new deadbeat dad. But don’t worry lads, you can’t be held responsible for your actions (if you’re white). According to Ratpublicans, you are doing God’s work by creating life, without doing life.

As an extra added bonus, the soon-to-be-mother you fucked will be legally required to carry your sperm-and-eggs to term, while you go to jail for some totally unrelated crime, never knowing, let alone caring, that you have forced a new life into this godforsaken hellscape. Luckily you will have a bunch of other white dudes making sure the involuntary mother of your abandoned child can’t get welfare, child care or decent schooling. And the unsuspecting, involuntary mother will not be afforded paid maternity leave – so high-fives all around. Also lucky for you, you cannot get pregnant no matter how much love you get in prison.

Samuel Alito trying very hard not to swallow after some quality alone time in his chambers

For the record, all of these rapists-of-the-law – Thomas, Gorsuch, Kavanaugh and Coney-Barrett – lied and/or perjured themselves whenever they opened their mouths about Roe v. Wade. And poor Susan Collins; how can she live with herself after assuring the American public that the chaste, if beer-addled Brett Kavanaugh would most certainly uphold settled, resettled and repeatedly upheld law would remain so. More important, how can we live with herself.

Alito’s daft…I mean draft opinion determined that the inescapable conclusion is that a right to abortion is not deeply rooted in the Nation’s history and tradition. Apparently, neither is Alito’s religiously fanatical “thinking.”

Anyone who insists on being anti-choice must be put on a list to receive the result of every single rape, incest or other unwanted pregnancy until there are none left. These are the same idiots who want the government’s hands off their Medicare, but they want them all over women’s bodies. The same mental defectives screaming about how disease-preventing masks steal freedom, ignore the freedom of women to decide what to do with their own bodies. USA! USA! USA!

With any luck, our self-inflicted climate crisis will accelerate beyond our wildest expectations and/or ignorance and put this whole sorry mess to bed.

*Correction: It was actually Alito who took a leak on American women. Someone else leaked his despicable draft. We regret this error.

I. Mangrey reporting. Don’t forget to check your scam folder for more fun from the Extreme Court.


Sam The Sham & The Pharaohs – Li'l Red Riding Hood
(Band name and song take on new meaning in today’s climate)

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